The Perverted White Stag
A chill ran down my spine for some reason, so I hurriedly shoved the rainbow god Iris away. He tumbled back with exaggerated flair, flashing a thick, cheddar-cheese grin.
"Oh dear, as cute as you are, you've got quite the temper."
"Huh? What?"
What the hell was this guy on about? I couldn't quite grasp the situation, but one thing was clear: danger radiated off him in waves.
As I took a step back, Iris advanced with a laugh.
"Everyone's like that at first. But no need to worry."
His tone dripped with some deep, dark fantasy vibe, so I firmly raised my palm.
"I have no idea what you've been saying since earlier, but I'm only here to relay a message to you, Lord Iris."
Only then did Iris halt his approach, looking puzzled.
"What? You're not here smitten by my beauty?"
The massive man before me wore an expression of utter incomprehension, like How could that be? At least he wasn't exuding that sticky vibe anymore—probably thanks to my rejection. Still, he licked his lips regretfully and pressed on.
"But if you desire it, I can summon this body's vigorous, awe-inspiring white stag anytime."
"Huh? Whaaat?"
Vigorous, awe-inspiring white stag? I had no clue what euphemism that was, and I absolutely didn't want to know. Ever. If that stag or whatever showed up, I'd shoot it full of arrows on sight.
"Eek."
As I retreated another step, Iris shrugged.
"You're really tossing away a golden opportunity. Not just anyone gets to behold this body's almighty magic stick."
"M-Magic stick?"
"Indeed. It fells anyone in its path. Hahaha!"
Shing!
I whipped out Zeus's sword from my belt in a flash. It was a grave discourtesy before a god, but instinct demanded it.
"Whatever it is, I'll cut it down."
"Whoa, whoa. Like a furious little doe. Calm down first."
Iris raised both hands and backed off, though his theatrics suggested he wasn't scared at all. He eyed my blade, realization dawning, then chuckled.
"Aha! Carrying our supreme god's sword means you're the hero who slew the Calydonian boar. No wonder you're so bold."
"My sword doesn't have to be reserved just for boars."
"Whoops, got it. I get it."
Iris retreated with mock fear.
"You're still a greenhorn. Before this body's next-level beauty, boys always run. But endure it, accept it, and you're a true man."
"I'll stay a boy forever, then."
"Hahaha! Such a pup. But someday, I hope we become like water and fish. You're oddly appealing, boy."
Sigh… Now I get why fish evolved out of water. They were trying to escape.
Iris didn't seem evil, but his rippling, muscle-bound bulk made my head spin like my retinas were flooded with rainbow light. Once this business was done, I'd swear never to cross paths again.
"Thanks for the kindness, but despite my rudeness, I have words for the rainbow god."
"Fine. Speak. Wait, isn't this the forbidden zone? How'd you even get in here?"
"I crossed the outer boundary."
My words startled even the laid-back Iris.
"Really? How'd a human breach that? It's crawling with impurities—only my divine beasts can come and go."
"Your divine beasts have no issue?"
"Of course. I blessed them with rainbow protection; no filth dares cling. My beasts are white stags—they must graze in the outer woods. No living plants survive in this exile land."
So this was a rest spot for Iris's divine beasts, with foraging in the royal private forest. And King Tyndareus coveted them. I explained it all to Iris.
"Sparta's king wants those divine beasts. He's scheming to use them to ruin me."
"That pup dares eye my beasts? Tell me more."
I laid out the details calmly. Iris listened silently, pondered briefly, then decided.
"Sparta's king is truly irreverent. But I can't judge on your word alone. I'll check it myself."
I hadn't expected Iris to go personally—maybe an envoy or priest. I was stunned.
"You'll go yourself…?"
"It's time I visited the Spartan royals. If they're still loyal, I'll reward them. If they're plotting as you say, I'll smash them! Kahahaha!"
What a straightforward personality. Explains the skimpy outfit, too. A god in just underwear—what a sight.
"Boy, I've got a plan. Let's head outside the boundary together. I'll escort you myself."
No idea what he had in mind, but it promised entertainment, so I nodded.
"As you wish."
"Good."
Iris's muscles undulated like crashing waves, his form shifting. He became a massive white stag.
"The same as your divine beasts, Lord Iris."
"Exactly. I'll test the greedy fools in this guise. Hop on."
"Hop on?"
"Heh heh heh. Yes. Ride this body, boy."
Who knew mounting a beast could sound so sleazy? I wasn't thrilled, but no choice. I sheathed my sword and climbed aboard. Iris bolted toward the boundary.
"Boy. Know the legend of Zeus and Europa?"
"I do."
The playboy Zeus fell for beauty Europa, turned into a white bull, and abducted her. She mounted the beautiful bull unsuspectingly, and he dashed off with her. Why bring that up now…?
"A famous tale—shall we reenact it? You and I, our own honey paradise…"
Shing. I drew Zeus's sword and pressed it to the stag-Iris's nape.
Crackle! Crackle!
"Ow! It stings! Electricity hurts!"
"To reenact the legend properly, you'd need to become a woman first, Lord Iris. So this sharp blade must trim that magic stick."
"Heh heh, even gods need jokes sometimes. Put that scary thing away."
Our earnest banter continued as stag-Iris reached the boundary at breakneck speed. His divinity swept the area, unleashing a miracle.
Whoa… I'd known he was a god, but witnessing his power firsthand left my jaw on the floor. Rainbow light mercilessly cleaved the heavy darkness pressing on the boundary. As he charged, shadows parted left and right, like scissors slicing black cloth.
Kieeeek! Kweeeek!
Impure swarms burned away in his divinity, vanishing like smoke. We swiftly reached the royal private woods. Glancing back, the boundary was gone, replaced by ordinary forest.
"Boy."
"Yes, Lord Iris."
"Idomeneus eyes my beasts, so I'll indulge him first."
"What's your plan?"
"Watch and see. You said Tyndareus values live stags higher?"
The king knew capturing them was tough and didn't specify dead or alive, but preferred live.
"Yes."
"Got it."
Stag-Iris raised his head, eyes closing. He pinpointed his target fast.
"There. That way—Idomeneus and his crew."
"You can tell right away?"
"What do you take me for? I'm a god. I see every movement in this forest."
Impressive. Better not piss him off. Escape would be impossible if things went south.
We headed straight for Idomeneus. Not far off, he and his men were frantic to snag a divine beast.
"It should be showing by now! Where the hell is it?"
Thud! Idomeneus vented by kicking rotten trees. Tsk tsk, what a temper.
"Brother, calm down."
Meriones beside him soothed him—the thief who'd snuck in at night to steal my arrows. A scoundrel, but skilled; he soon spotted something on the ground.
"Stag tracks here—lots of them."
"Oh, really!"
I watched from hiding. As Idomeneus's group approached, Iris concealed his nature, pretending to be a mute beast and stepping forward casually.
The white stag appeared, and they dropped low in shock, signaling frantically. Their panicked huddle was hilarious, but Iris feigned ignorance, ambling leisurely.
Thinking the stag blind to them, they cheered silently and hid. Idomeneus himself nocked an arrow and advanced, hesitating—until Iris froze in place, prompting a bold shot.
Secret Book. Isn't that my arrow?
Yes. Blue-fletched.
Maybe the stag's stillness gave him confidence; he aimed my arrow straight at it.
Creak. As the bowstring drew taut, Iris glanced at Idomeneus—and the arrow flew. A perfect strike no mere animal could dodge.
But who was this stag? Iris tilted his head slightly, deflecting the arrow with his antlers.
Pop! Fine hairs burst like dandelion seeds in sunlight. The arrow snapped, splintering into wood shards.
A lethal hit brushed off like nothing—I couldn't hide my awe. But Idomeneus gaped, bow still drawn.
"Wha… a stag like that… Even a divine beast…"
As Iris approached lightly amid his daze, the group panicked visibly. The prey acting friendly left them baffled.
Beee—.
Eeeee—.
With typical stag cries, Iris nuzzled the hunters welcomingly. They floundered, then reached out to pet him. Even Idomeneus dropped his bow and stroked.
"Heh heh. Truly a spiritual creature…"
"Brother, we can't shoot a beast like this."
"Agreed. Capture it alive."
All concurred: no killing the white stag. But idiot Idomeneus, sharp for once, tilted his head.
"Beautiful stag, yet it looks so lecherous?"
Uh-oh. Iris, gleefully rubbing against the burly men, startled.
"Brother, lecherous how?"
"Hard to say… Makes me uneasy. Lewd, maybe. It paid extra attention to my ass earlier."
Ass… Idomeneus, you're in deep shit.
His heroic instincts nailed it, but paper-pusher Meriones just laughed.
"Hahaha, it's just a curious beast sniffing around."
"Yeah, probably."
Soon they swarmed, ropes binding the stag. Iris's panicked thrashing was Oscar-worthy—handlers yanked every which way, tumbling in chaos. Tempers flared; they kicked the white stag.
"Stupid beast! Who told you to trust humans!"
Only its piteous cries echoed through the woods.
Bieeehhh—.
Eeeee—.
Idomeneus upped the ante, picking up my broken arrow and scoring the stag's flank with the tip. Crimson beads welled on white fur, dripping.
"If the rainbow god sees this and misunderstands, perfect. Heh heh heh."
He tossed the bloody arrow tip visibly nearby.
"Let's go. Time to deliver this to the old geezer."
"Congratulations!"
Cheers rained on Idomeneus—they figured the hunt was won.
"Damn right, after this hassle, he'll cough up the girl."
"The daughter alone? Your Highness should claim Sparta's throne too."
"Yes, yes! Kahahaha!"
They whooped victoriously, exiting the woods. I watched pityingly, mourning their future.
You fools have no idea what you've done. Probably can't even imagine.
Me? I'd just watch the honey trap unfold.
Humiliated Iris in bonds, brazen Idomeneus crew, oblivious Spartan king coveting divine beasts. My heart raced wondering how this farce would end.
"Wish I had popcorn right now. For real."