I Truly Wanted to Kill Myself
There was a boy and a girl. The boy lay sprawled across the girl's lap, fast asleep. She'd clearly told him to stop fighting, but here he was again, coming back from scraps with the neighborhood gang leaders without fail.
The slightly sulky girl extended her index finger and prodded his cheek firmly.
"Mm..."
The boy groaned softly. His brow furrowed a bit, but he showed no signs of waking. The girl smirked and muttered to herself.
"How should I punish this idiot?"
Her voice carried a playful affection. She reached out and gently stroked his hair. Feeling it, the boy squirmed a little, looking almost annoyed. Irritated now, the girl ruffled his hair more vigorously.
"Get up already, you dummy."
At her words, the boy cracked his eyes open sleepily. He stared blankly upward for a moment before mumbling.
"Younghee...?"
The girl called Younghee tilted her head slightly and flashed a bright smile. It was her way of welcoming him back while also showing she was mad. But contrary to her expectations, the boy just gazed at the smile quietly before turning his face away.
"What? It was a dream."
Twitch. Younghee's smiling face froze solid. What? Who was dreaming while getting a lap pillow from her? This was downright outrageous. She reached her small hand toward his ear.
"Aaaah!"
"You gonna get up or not?"
Only then did Cheolsu fully open his eyes. But he had no intention of getting up. If anything, he buried his head deeper into her lap. Younghee was dumbfounded.
"Hey, Cheolsu. If you're awake, get up already?"
"Mm, just a bit more..."
"A bit more my ass! You wanna die?"
For all her words, Younghee didn't push him away. She just laughed and mussed up his hair.
"Mm, why was I sleeping here anyway?"
"You obviously got into it with those kids again."
"Oh, right. Yeah."
Cheolsu admitted it outright without a hint of denial. Younghee let out a deep sigh at his response.
"I specifically told you not to fight, didn't I?"
"It wasn't a fight. It was upholding justice."
"Beating up weak kids is justice?"
"When those weak kids number ten and they're bullying your friend for being an orphan, isn't that justice enough?"
A breeze suddenly blew in. A cool yet somehow comforting spring wind. Cheolsu mumbled that the weather felt nice. Then, as if something occurred to him, he asked hesitantly.
"...You mad?"
"For ignoring me? Or for fighting with the kids?"
"Mm, both?"
His slightly deflated look was puppy-like and adorable. It was hard to believe this was the boy who'd fearlessly scrapped with older kids a head taller than him. Younghee smiled warmly, as if she had no choice.
"Honestly, yeah, I'm mad. But just this once, I'll forgive you specially."
"Mm, good thing. Means I get to enjoy this fluffy pillow longer."
He readjusted his head as he said it. His hair brushed against her thigh. The sudden tickle made Younghee's cheeks flush faintly.
"Doesn't mean I'm letting you off easy, though. Breaking your promise means a heavy punishment, right?"
"You use weirdly fancy words sometimes. 'Cause you're so smart?"
Cheolsu grinned innocently with a blank expression. Seeing that face made her burst out laughing too. Only then did Cheolsu finally sit up. Their eyes met.
"So, what's the punishment?"
Truth be told, she hadn't thought of anything specific. Contrary to what Cheolsu imagined, she just made up dramatic lines from books because it made him praise her, and that felt good. Younghee panicked a little but pretended to think hard. No matter what, her young girl's pride wouldn't let her admit she hadn't planned anything.
"Hmm... How about petting my hair once?"
Cheolsu stared at her like she was crazy. Younghee grabbed his wrist and plopped his hand on her head.
"Hurry up."
"This is the punishment?"
"More like a reward."
"...This is a reward?"
"Not satisfied? Want real punishment?"
Cheolsu chuckled.
"Nah, this is fine."
"Hmph! After all that training, you just use it to beat up kids and have fun?"
Younghee turned her head primly away to hide her embarrassment—but only just enough not to escape his hand.
"Honestly, not really. Couldn't even use the new technique from Master's book."
"New technique?!"
Younghee's eyes sparkled, her cheeks tinting pink. Her face screamed, 'What's that? I'm curious! I wanna see!' It was honestly super cute.
"...If you're that curious, come watch next training session."
"Yeah! Can't wait."
Seeing her beaming innocently made Cheolsu's face heat up this time.
"You really love the sword, huh, Cheolsu?"
"Gotta get strong if I wanna be a hero someday."
For a moment, they fell silent. They just stayed like that, quietly feeling each other's presence. Another breeze rustled through from somewhere.
"Hey, Cheolsu. You gonna become a hero?"
It was a somewhat out-of-the-blue question. But it was also something they'd both been thinking about nonstop. To become heroes, they'd have to go to the Academy. If one of them didn't qualify, they'd be separated.
"...Yeah. I wanna be someone who protects others."
Even knowing that. Cheolsu's resolve didn't waver. Younghee nodded silently.
"Guess no choice then. I'll become a hero too."
"You? It'll be dangerous. If it's for me..."
"...!"
"It's not that. I wanna save people too!"
The boy and girl influenced each other. But they were still too young to realize it. Cheolsu didn't know why Younghee read books so diligently. He didn't understand why her innocent smile made him so happy. Why he couldn't look away from her sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks when she laughed. Why her swaying black hair looked so vibrant. Cheolsu didn't know any of it.
"You protect me, and I'll protect you!"
"...Yeah. Wanna be heroes together then?"
"Yeah, promise!"
They pinky-swore. A beautiful memory from their innocent childhood—now distant, yet impossible to forget.
—Beep. Beep.
The mechanical beeps that sent chills down the spine echoed through the hospital room. Younghee stared blankly ahead. Cheolsu lay there unconscious. His shallow breaths seemed ready to cut off at any moment.
"Frankly, the fact he's still alive is a miracle."
The doctor standing beside her spoke gravely.
"We've exhausted every medical technique and spell available. All that's left is the patient's will... and waiting."
The doctor's words barely registered with Younghee. She just kept staring endlessly. If she looked away even for a second, it felt like Cheolsu would vanish forever.
...Why?
Her breath caught. Breathing grew labored. Cheolsu might die. Realizing that afresh made her shoulders tremble.
—I wish he'd just die.
Her heart plummeted into icy darkness. She covered her quivering lips with her hand.
...What did I just say? It wasn't sincere. Just a heat-of-the-moment slip. No, even now, she couldn't understand why she'd said it. Still, she had to apologize. She'd sworn to tell Cheolsu she was sorry.
Because of me, my words...
Of course, her words had nothing to do with it. What she'd said and Cheolsu's attack were unrelated. But what if she hadn't said it? Would he have been ambushed so helplessly even if he was fine? Could she claim her words had no connection to this mess?
Above all, what if those cold words of hers were the last thing Cheolsu thought of?
"Urk!"
"Younghee!"
Younghee collapsed to the hospital floor. Her body refused to hold strength. Her breathing grew ragged. This couldn't be happening. Anxiety and dread were driving her mad. Cheolsu dying? She'd never even imagined it once.
Younghee's guiding principle had always been Cheolsu first. No matter the circumstances or reasons. She wanted him unhurt, happy. She wanted to protect him.
"Hic... Cheolsu... Cheolsu... Ahh..."
"Dummy! What about you? You have to stand up now!"
The class president tried to support her. But anyone could see it was pointless. Younghee's expression was so tormented, she looked like the one dying.
Cheolsu. Is it because of me? Because I said that? Am I getting punished for being so awful? Then why are you the one suffering, not me?
Her heart ached too much to care about anything else. No, she wished she'd just die right here. If her death meant Cheolsu could live...
"Guh! Khek! Uuugh!"
"Teacher! Younghee! Younghee, please...!"
Judging it dangerous, the doctors rushed over. Even amid the chaos, Younghee's eyes stayed fixed on Cheolsu. But even that didn't last. Her vision blurred. Everything faded to black.
I messed up. So please, please...
She just wanted to see Cheolsu. To see him smile one more time. That was all she'd ever wished for.
Then, a memory flashed through her mind.
—I hate Cheolsu.
—I hate him so much I can't stand it.
—I wish he'd just die.
Aaah, aaaaaaah!
I want to kill. She truly wanted to kill herself—the one who'd said such things.
Riddled with regret and guilt, the girl crumpled to the floor and wailed. Her scream of apology to the one she'd lost forever couldn't even form into sound—it stayed trapped in her chest alone.