Why Is the Girl With a Boyfriend Doing This? (1)
The bell rang from the left side.
- BEEP!
- Squeak!
A white car body covered my field of vision.
- CRASH!
My body jolted upward.
The road flipped over.
The time it took for the asphalt to rise up was probably very short.
In that short span, the entire day had passed.
On the first Friday of March, only ten minutes remained until the end-of-day homeroom.
I had planned to confess right after jongnye ended.
More accurately, this time I truly intended to do so.
Inside the bag's inner pocket was a letter. Of the four I had written last night, only one remained unwrinkled.
Originally, I had intended to end it with spoken words.
After school, walk home together and tell her I like her. If Ha-eun smiled, I would hold her hand. If not, I would go pick her up like usual the next day.
The plan was simple.
The issue was that Ha-eun had not been alone with me throughout the week.
On Monday, she stayed behind for class representative duties. On Tuesday, she went out for tteokbokki with the girls. On Wednesday, she suddenly had plans with her mother, and yesterday, she saw me waiting at the school gate and left through the back door.
Coincidence could become intent.
Yesterday was especially clear.
I had waited at the school gate for thirty minutes.
Ha-eun had exited through the back door and returned via the opposite path. I had seen her reflection in the convenience store window.
I hadn't called out to her.
If I had, it would have confirmed she was fleeing.
It seemed she had noticed my intention to confess.
If that was the case, would I give up? No, I hadn't considered that.
The letter was a contingency for if she ran away again. If I couldn't say it to her face, I was prepared to put it in the bag.
The problem was that the recipient was sitting directly in front of me.
Seo Ha-eun.
Even after ten years, I hadn't realized how difficult it would be to hand over a single letter.
Ha-eun had been opening our refrigerator like it was her own since she was six years old. She had even said that my mom's seaweed soup tasted better than her own mother's, and gotten scolded at both houses.
I knew the password for Ha-eun's house front door. Ha-eun had found my umbrella before I did.
That was how it had been.
So it was even harder.
Last summer, Ha-eun had stayed at our house for two days.
Her parents had gone to the countryside. Mom hadn't treated her as a guest, and Hanna had been thrilled to have an older sister.
I had slept in the living room for those two days.
No one had found it strange.
That had been ten years.
If the confession failed, everything could disappear. Ha-eun probably knew that too and was avoiding it.
"Ha-eun."
Ha-eun turned her body around.
I instinctively closed the zipper of my bag.
"Why."
"You seem different today."
"Same as usual."
"No, you are. I've been avoiding you sneakily since morning."
"I didn't avoid you."
"Then look at my eyes."
Ha-eun, who had been propping her chin on her hand, tilted her head. Her long hair cascaded to one shoulder.
If I looked into her eyes, it would be exposed.
The one hiding the confession letter was doing a terrible job of concealing his intentions.
"Why are you avoiding?"
"I told you I wasn't."
"You're avoiding right now."
"Go to jongnye."
"Min-seok is ignoring me."
Ha-eun pouted her lips.
"Will you regret it later?"
I had decided today not to regret.
"You too."
"What did I do?"
"No."
Ha-eun stared at my face, then slowly turned forward.
I couldn't tell if she was pretending to know or truly didn't know.
Nothing had changed even after entering high school. We had commuted together, been in the same class, and visited each other's houses on weekends.
The only change was that I had come to realize it was no longer natural.
She liked me too much to just be friends.
So today, I was going to end it.
Just as friends.
The homeroom teacher was organizing the family newsletters at the desk in front of the podium. There were about five minutes left until the end of jongnye.
At that moment, Cha Woo-jin stood up from his seat.
"Ha-eun."
The gazes in the classroom all converged at once.
Cha Woo-jin was the type who enjoyed those gazes. He wore his school uniform shirt differently from others, and every time he smiled, the surrounding female students would quiet down unnecessarily.
I didn't like that smiling face much.
"Wait a second. I have something to say."
Ha-eun looked back at me.
It was really just a moment.
It seemed like she was asking what I meant, or just that our eyes met by chance.
Before I could open my mouth, Ha-eun stood up.
"Now?"
"Soon."
The homeroom teacher was still looking at the documents. Ha-eun hesitated for a moment, then followed Cha Woo-jin out the back door of the classroom.
As soon as the door closed, Bae Jeong-hoon hit my desk.
"Hey. You can just stay like that?"
"What?"
"What is what. You went to confess to Cha Woo-jin, right?"
Go Min-seok pushed Jeong-hoon's arm.
"You don't even know for sure, so don't push it."
"You took only a girl to go say you have something to say, what else to confirm."
Jeong-hoon's words didn't sound like a joke.
The voices I had heard in the bathroom a few days ago came back to me.
Outside the stall, Cha Woo-jin and his friends were talking.
"Soo Ha-eun won't come over."
"Why not?"
"He's attached to Yoo Han-gyeol."
After a brief silence, Cha Woo-jin laughed.
"In a week, it'll be done."
"What?"
"Making me a girlfriend."
At the time, I dismissed it as nonsense.
I thought Ha-eun wouldn't accept it.
I met Cha Woo-jin face to face when I was washing my hands and leaving the bathroom.
"Did you hear?"
Cha Woo-jin didn't intend to hide it.
"Don't bet on people."
"What did I do?"
"You just said it."
"If we date, it's not a bet, it's a prediction."
The way he exited while laughing didn't sit well with me.
"Don't approach Ha-eun."
"That's for Ha-eun to decide."
It was the right thing to say, so I hated it more.
"You'll approach by saying it's a bet?"
"That's for you to decide."
Cha Woo-jin brushed my shoulder and passed by.
"If you want to say something, say it. I won't stop you."
I couldn't say it.
If I brought up that conversation, Ha-eun would ask why I was doing so much before she guarded against Cha Woo-jin.
From there, it became my story.
I couldn't replace Ha-eun's choice. So I couldn't hold on there either.
But in my bag, there was still a letter I hadn't handed over. Cha Woo-jin had taken Ha-eun out first.
It didn't matter who was more sincere.
There was someone who spoke first.
And I had thought that Ha-eun had noticed my confession and was avoiding me.
If that was a misunderstanding, then all the escapes this week had other reasons.
"Hey, Yoo Han-gyeol."
Jeong-hoon looked at my face.
"Are you okay?"
"Why."
"Just. Your expression is bad."
Min-seok didn't ask anything.
Both of them didn't know what was in my bag.
Only I knew.
The homeroom teacher looked up.
"Hey, aren't you doing jongnye?"
The person who was looking at the documents when Cha Woo-jin and Ha-eun left.
I picked up my bag and stood up.
"Teacher, I'll go to the bathroom for a bit."
"Why the bag."
I had nothing to say.
The two who left empty-handed and I with the bag would look different.
"After jongnye ends, go."
"I'm in a hurry."
Without waiting for an answer, I left the classroom.
From behind, the homeroom teacher called my name.
I didn't stop.
***
I didn't know where the two went.
There was no one at the end of the corridor. As I descended the stairs, I scanned the view outside the window.
I didn't see them on the playground either.
Where could I confess in school.
If it was Cha Woo-jin, he could say it without hesitation in front of people. Ha-eun wouldn't like it. She hated making strangers' confessions into entertainment.
When that fact came to mind, the destination narrowed further.
The rooftop was locked. Behind the gym was visible from the teachers' room. The remaining options were behind the main building or by the fence.
It was strange that I knew this.
It wasn't about where Cha Woo-jin would go, but about calculating where Ha-eun would be led.
I didn't know why I was inferring Cha Woo-jin's confession location.
Ha-eun would reject it on her own.
Even while thinking that, my steps quickened.
In case I didn't know about the bet.
If Cha Woo-jin was pretending to be sincere.
If Ha-eun accepted it.
Then, I would stand up and say it was a bet.
Would Ha-eun believe me.
She would believe me.
Because I've been like that for ten years.
But what if I hand over the letter after that.
Would it look like I was aiming for right after the accident. If it's not an accident in the first place?
My mind was getting more tangled.
I pushed open the back door of the main building.
At the end of the narrow path along the fence, two school uniforms were visible.
I stopped walking.
My breathing wasn't steady, so it might make a sound.
I wrapped the bag strap around my hand.
It was Ha-eun and Cha Woo-jin.
Cha Woo-jin was leaning against the fence. Ha-eun was standing in front of him.
There was no gap between the two.
Ha-eun was holding Cha Woo-jin's face.
Her head was tilted.
They overlapped.
The bag strap in my hand slipped.
I didn't make a sound.
The two didn't see me.
I took one step back.
Then, I turned around.
***
The bicycle lock didn't open well.
I turned the number.
Turned again.
Turned once more.
My fingertips didn't have strength.
Did I confess.
Did she accept it.
If I kissed, that would be it.
The letter in my bag came to mind.
I had been hiding it alone since morning, timing it, worrying about what to say after jongnye.
Cha Woo-jin called first.
Ha-eun followed.
That was the end.
I pulled my bike out of the school gate.
In the flower bed next to the gate, magnolias were blooming.
Last year at this time, Ha-eun had asked me to take a photo in front of it.
The photo was still on my phone.
I might delete it tonight.
I thought someone was calling me from behind.
It sounded like Ha-eun's voice.
If I checked, I would have to go back. I would have to ask directly what I saw just now.
I didn't have the courage to do that.
I didn't stop.
I stepped on the pedal.
My legs had more strength than usual. The wind hit my eyes.
I stepped faster because I didn't want to think.
But thoughts were faster than speed.
Ten years.
Letter.
Ha-eun.
Cha Woo-jin.
The overlapping faces.
The signal changed.
I grabbed the brake.
The wheels slipped.
My shoulder hit first.
My breath was blocked, so no sound came out.
The bag zipper opened.
One envelope slid onto the asphalt.
Ha-eun.