The Heart's Scream
The short third semester ended, and before I knew it, spring break had arrived.
Lately, trying to live a somewhat diligent school life by waking up on time had been pure torture, but right now was different.
Figuring I should rest while I still could, I was rolling around in bed when the doorbell rang, chasing off my drowsiness and slamming straight into my eardrums.
"…What the hell is it?"
Almost no one ever came to this house.
At most it would be Mom, but even when she dropped by unannounced she usually gave at least a heads-up beforehand, so I couldn't think of anyone.
"I'll get it."
Some door-to-door salesperson type?
When I opened the door, Seol-hwa, who seemed to have already been awake, was about to head for the entrance. I stopped her and opened it myself—
"Hey, I came to hang out."
"…Am I still half-asleep?"
I rubbed my eyes, but no matter how many times I looked, it wasn't a mistake.
At the sight of this freeloader showing up without so much as a call, I tried to slam the door shut, but he skillfully stuck his leg out to block it, saying, "You're going to turn a guest away at the door?"
"Guests usually call first, Seong Tae-yang."
Feeling like something annoying was about to happen, we were wrestling with the door when Seol-hwa approached from the living room asking, "What's going on?"… and I just gave up and let the strength drain from my arms.
"So, what's the deal?"
I politely questioned the person sitting cross-legged on the floor—guest or invader, I still couldn't tell—and Tae-yang, leisurely sipping the coffee Seol-hwa had handed him, answered with a bright smile.
"Well, I was hoping you'd let me stay the night!"
"Yun Seol-hwa, go grab the salt shaker."
"Aw, don't be so cold—"
Seeing the bag he had brought, which looked stuffed with all sorts of things, only made me more uneasy.
I had occasionally begged reality to miss the mark for once, since it always managed to leapfrog my anxious premonitions in the most spectacular ways, but of course there was never any reply.
"W-what about your house?"
Seol-hwa sat down and carefully asked the question. I backed her up with a nod.
He had barged in without warning, but from everything I had seen of Seong Tae-yang, he wasn't as reckless as he seemed.
He only put on that lively act to match Eun-ha's energy; with everyone else he was polite and surprisingly thoughtful.
Otherwise he never would have earned the title of the school's prince with such a good reputation.
When I resigned myself and pressed him again about what was really going on, Tae-yang scratched his cheek awkwardly even as he said, "It's nothing major."
"I had a bit of a fight at home."
"…A fight?"
"Seol-hwa said Eun-ha already told her about it. Do you know, Yu-seong?"
"…More or less."
I vaguely remembered Seol-hwa mentioning that even that lovey-dovey couple everyone found cringeworthy had their share of rough patches behind the scenes.
"I only need a day or two. I know plenty of people, but not many who know about this kind of personal stuff… so, is it okay?"
At some point Seol-hwa had started looking at me too, her gaze practically asking me to say yes.
If I shook my head now, I would be the only bad guy… Scratching my head, I still nodded and said, "Do whatever you want."
"So, should I make breakfast for three?"
"…Breakfast? Don't you mean lunch?"
It was break, so I had assumed I had slept in until midday like the old days, but apparently not.
Only after hearing Seol-hwa's words did I check the clock—around nine in the morning… I had sworn I would lounge around as much as I wanted, but the proper habits drilled into me over the past month or two clearly had other plans.
I was planning to slack off all I wanted starting day one, but at this rate I won't get anything done.
While I was vaguely waiting for Seol-hwa to finish making breakfast, I noticed Tae-yang sitting on the sofa, staring intently toward the kitchen.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing much. I heard Seol-hwa was living at your place, but… she seems way more naturally settled in than I expected. Like a brand-new bride."
I smacked him on the head for the unnecessary commentary, but he just grinned without a care in the world, looking exactly like Eun-ha.
"So, how long are you planning to stay?"
"I can't impose too long, so I'll head back within three days at most."
The atmosphere felt more awkward than I had expected.
Which made sense—we were only the kind of acquaintances who chatted occasionally at school.
Everything else always involved Eun-ha or Seol-hwa. Being just the two of us like this… I could tell myself it was late to start feeling that way, but the awkwardness was real.
I turned on the TV, but nothing held my attention, so I switched it right back off.
"…Mind if I ask you one thing?"
I let out a sigh at the stifling feeling and forced open my heavy mouth to ask about the thing that had been bothering me. Tae-yang simply nodded.
"You and your parents… don't get along?"
I had heard the rough outline from Seol-hwa, but was the atmosphere bad enough that he would leave home over it?
My tone had grown careful now that I was prying into family matters, but Tae-yang just gave an embarrassed little laugh and said, "Well~"
"It's not as bad as you're thinking. They're both good people, and they do care… The problem is just that their expectations are a little high."
"Expectations?" I echoed. Tae-yang nodded silently, then let out a helpless sigh.
"It's like they want me to live on the rails they've already laid out. And Eun-ha isn't on that path—so here we are.
Honestly? I've never really cared about the strict stuff, then or now… But when it comes to Eun-ha, I don't want to give an inch. This is something I decided for myself."
"…I see."
A glance at Tae-yang's profile showed a quiet resolve of his own. Everyone had one or two things weighing on them, I supposed.
"Well, timing's good with break and all… Make yourself comfortable."
"Aww, see? You've gotta pick your friends carefully~ Love ya!"
"Don't cling to me. I might make you skip breakfast."
"Oh, but you didn't say you'd kick me out."
"I'm not going to take it back after one mouthful. Don't worry."
Seeing Tae-yang return to his usual goofy energy and grin like an idiot, I felt a little relieved inside.
I couldn't help much, but I hoped he could at least lighten his mood a bit before he left.
If I said that to his face he would just get clingy for no reason, so when Seol-hwa brought breakfast over I thanked her and stood up like I was fleeing.
Since Seol-hwa handled all the cooking, the least I could do was take care of everything else. That was only fair.
With the hand movements that had grown familiar lately, I started transferring the dishes and food to the table.
Tae-yang, watching at his leisure, started spouting nonsense like "Newlyweds, huh—" so I smacked him on the head again and told him to stop staring and help.
"Oh, this is better than I expected."
"Th-thank you…"
Tae-yang brought Seol-hwa's cooking to his mouth and let out an admiring sound, looking thoroughly satisfied.
Neither Seol-hwa nor I ate all that much.
But she must have considered how much Tae-yang might eat, because even though the table held easily twice the usual amount, he looked ready to polish it off without any trouble.
"Eun-ha's cooking is solid too, but this place is a real contender. Faithful to the basics. Yu-seong, eating this every day? You're blessed, man. Blessed."
"You're right, so no reason to deny it."
Seol-hwa's range of dishes wasn't especially wide, but the depth was on another level entirely.
After nearly two months of being captivated by her cooking, my taste buds had reached the point where they barely glanced at anything else these days.
The combination of soft rolled omelet and the lightly spicy depth of the soybean paste stew was as excellent as always, so it was no wonder Tae-yang was firing off compliments like a machine gun.
The person herself was blushing and muttering, "Compliments don't get me anything…" though.
But even if she said that, this kind of meal came out every day, and I knew full well how much effort went into it.
It hardly counted as repayment, but the only thing I could do was give Seol-hwa the things she had never received until now.
As always, I emptied my bowl, said, "Thanks for the meal. Always grateful," and ruffled her hair.
Maybe it was because there was one extra person today. Steam was practically pouring out of Seol-hwa's head twice as hard as usual as she silently covered her face with the tray.
"At this point I don't think we're the ones who should be calling people cringey."
"Well, I can't exactly deny it, but the more praise she gets the better, so you help out too."
"Oh, is that allowed? Then if you'll excuse me—"
He started ruffling her hair right after me, pouring out thank-yous, until Seol-hwa hit her limit, crouched down, and said, "Th-that's a lethal dose…" We both burst out laughing.
Even with Tae-yang staying over, the daily routine barely changed.
We took a longer nap, read books together, studied, or turned on the game console.
Tae-yang was so naturally social that even while clowning around, he would quickly smooth things over whenever Seol-hwa or I started feeling awkward, and the time passed.
After dinner, I laid out a futon next to the bed I usually used and made a spot for him.
When he started spouting, "I couldn't possibly invade the wife's side of the bed," like he knew everything, I seriously considered dumping the futon outside the front door, but I managed to hold back.
"Han Yu-seong, you asleep?"
I was lying in bed staring silently at the ceiling when Tae-yang spoke up.
"No, not yet… Why?"
"Mm. This is the first time I've done this somewhere that isn't Eun-ha's place, so I just can't fall asleep."
"Same here, really. But you're surprising. You've got plenty of friends, unlike me."
"Half of it's just social maneuvering. The only ones who know about my home situation besides Eun-ha are you two."
"Being the school's prince isn't easy either, huh."
"Haha, you're right."
Maybe night brought out the sentimentality in us; we both let out awkward little laughs.
"This morning."
"This morning?" I echoed at the sudden words. Tae-yang quietly nodded.
"When I said the expectations were high—that's actually better than it used to be."
"…What was it like before?"
The topic felt a little heavy for late-night chatter, but I took it in stride. Tae-yang let out a sigh and began, "Not me."
"I had an older brother."
"…A brother? First I'm hearing of it."
More than that—he had said "had." Past tense.
A uneasy feeling made me ask again as I shifted slightly toward him.
I couldn't see his expression properly in the dark, but a certain bitterness still came through.
"Of course you haven't. I've never talked about it. Eun-ha's met him, but… anyway, when my brother was around, it was really intense. Then one day—boom—it exploded."
"…Boom?"
"Right around when I was starting middle school, he left home. Said he couldn't take living in a place like that anymore."
I was vaguely searching for how to respond when Tae-yang chuckled and said, "You can just be honest."
"Thanks to that, all the expectations that had been on my brother got dumped on me, the younger one. Don't turn out like your brother. Don't let us down… I feel like I heard every version of it.
Back then I was resigned in a lot of ways. I couldn't let my parents down too, and I resented the brother who ran away… It was all mixed up. Like living as a doll.
It was my life, but I couldn't move it the way I wanted… That word 'perfect prince' everyone used—friendly, flawless—honestly, it made me feel filthy inside."
"Expectations, huh…"
Listening to Tae-yang, I vaguely recalled my own past.
The childhood when I had single-mindedly chased the dream of basketball. The father who refused to acknowledge it and told me to look at reality.
But his story was different from mine in both kind and weight.
A life spent only walking a predetermined path, one so constrained that even he called himself a doll… How heavy must that have been?
"Then Eun-ha transferred in. At first I just thought she was a really noisy kid. Bluntly speaking, she got on my nerves."
That part still hasn't changed much.
I swallowed the thought as Tae-yang continued, "But you know."
"I happened to see her looking after the kids at the park. That was the first time I heard about her family's situation.
When I asked if she was okay, she said she was used to it, so she was fine… But I had felt something watching my brother.
People… the heart has a limit. If you can't let out what's building up inside, it goes boom—just like I said earlier."
"Yeah." I agreed quietly.
You could call it the scream of the heart without exaggeration.
I knew all too well how poorly things ended when you forced yourself to look away from it.
"Being used to something and being okay with it are different. That's closer to rationalization. A kind of compulsion that you have to be okay.
I was the same way—I couldn't worry my parents any more, I had to be okay… Maybe because her face overlapped with that, I started paying attention to Yu Eun-ha. And then I saw it."
"The school courtyard?" I tilted my head, and Tae-yang snorted a laugh. "What, so you already know everything?"
"The Eun-ha I saw there was literally on the verge of collapsing. Telling herself she had to be okay while still unable to hold back the tears, and unable to let anyone see it, so she was just a regular girl crying in a corner.
I didn't want to see that anymore… The next thing I knew, I was saying all kinds of things on my own. My parents still find it hard to accept the Eun-ha I met that way, and with my brother's precedent they're being careful.
But even if I can give on other things, I can't compromise when it comes to Eun-ha. Even if it takes time. And that's how today happened. I could stay at Eun-ha's place, but it would just worry them… Sorry."
"…We're friends. Don't worry about it."
Even saying it myself felt awkward, so I flipped toward the wall. Tae-yang immediately dropped the serious atmosphere and started preening. "Oh, Yu-seong saying something like that? I'm touched—"
"Shut up. I'll roll you up in the blanket and toss you outside."
"Yikes, I don't want to get kicked out, so I'll be quiet— But you two were pretty similar, right? From what I've heard."
"…Yeah."
I couldn't really deny what Tae-yang said.
Setting aside myself, who had rationalized that I had given up on everything, Seol-hwa's side really did match his words perfectly.
Having lost her mother, never accepted by her family, cast out by everyone around her until she stood at a dead end with those eyes… Just like she had said herself, she had truly been one step away from going boom.
"But Seol-hwa with you looked genuinely happy, so I felt relieved in a lot of ways."
"…If that's how it looks, then good."
At Tae-yang's words, which seemed to see right through my heart in every way, I muttered under my breath so he wouldn't hear, "What an impossible guy," and pulled the blanket all the way over my head.