Until Now, and Always
Until now, and always.
"Merry~ Christmas!"
Christmas had arrived at last, after more than a few twists and turns.
…Which was fine and all.
"Why is it at my place."
"Aw, what's the big deal~ My house is way too packed, and everywhere else people have parents to watch out for."
And so, for those reasons, the entire crew ended up crammed into my living room.
The table, doubling as a dinner spread, was piled high with the pizza and fried chicken and assorted snacks they'd brought along — leaving me in no position to complain.
"We're throwing a party anyway, so quit looking so sour, host! Good vibes all around, right?"
"Hear, hear! A man's gotta have some generosity!"
Between Yubin and Sihyeon from last time, plus a couple more Eun-ha had dragged along — Yurim included — it had turned into a thoroughly noisy affair.
"Alright, alright. Shall we eat, play, and crash?"
"I never said anything about crashing, Seong Tae-yang."
"So eating and playing are approved, then?"
"Who's ever going to beat you in a war of words… Do whatever you want."
Apparently they'd decided against disposables in the name of the environment, so I headed for the kitchen to grab proper dishes — and Tae-yang trailed after me, offering to help.
"Oh, it's cleaner inside than I expected."
"You looking to die?"
"Ahaha, just kidding. Still, the place is pretty spacious, and it's well kept. Wife's doing?"
"Want me to throw you out?"
"I apologize."
"…Though yeah. It is thanks to Seol-hwa."
There was no trace left of the hollow, cluttered wreck this place had been a month ago.
For once, I could honestly thank Mom for sticking her nose in — You'll need the space if friends are going to come over! — and making sure of it.
"Want to play cards or something? You too, Seol-hwa!"
"Uh, um…? Is that oka…y?"
"Of course it is~ You really don't have to be so polite."
"Yeah, take a page from Jimin. She just barges right in on first meeting."
"Hey! Call it being sociable, Lee So-yoon!"
"Looks like they're getting along fine."
At Tae-yang's remark I answered, "Yeah," and let a smile slip out.
She was slowly warming up to the kids in our class too, and honestly, I was glad to see it.
Sihyeon had said people's opinions of us were improving bit by bit, and I'd been half-skeptical — but after today, I could feel the difference for myself.
"Alright, dishes are sorted — time to eat and play our hearts out—"
""Agreed—!""
"So, you two — are you dating?"
After a long stretch of eating, drinking, and chatter, the girl named Jimin suddenly tossed that out.
"Yeah. Not for long, though."
Given everything that had happened last time, I meant to handle it calmly this round…
"How far have you gone? Please tell me you haven't conquered the whole alphabet already?!"
…I really did.
I choked and started coughing, and Yurim immediately cracked Chae-hyeon over the head with a knife-hand strike to shut her up.
"Ow!"
"I barely even hit you. What kind of thing do you just blurt out like that."
"But come on~ Those two's lovey-dovey meter looks sky-high!"
"What country's unit of measurement is that."
"High school girl country units!"
"Just let the dumb stuff go in one ear and out the other."
Yurim downed a long swig of orange juice and said it flat.
I caught something like "Calling it dumb is so mean!" but decided to take the advice to heart and let it slide right past.
"I did think you two looked close, though."
"Well. Things just ended up that way. While I was staying at my mom's side of the family, one thing led to another."
"Ooh, so you've already done the meet-the-parents thing?"
"Listen here."
But thinking about Mom and Seol-hwa — and everything they'd been through together — I couldn't exactly deny it.
Yurim watched me with eyebrows twitching, letting out a curious little "Hmmm~."
"A month ago you barely even showed up to school. You've changed a lot."
"I'm not going to argue."
Changed.
I'd been hearing that a fair bit lately. I didn't fully feel it myself, but still.
I'd been putting in at least a little effort — enough to earn comments like that — so pretending it didn't make me happy would have been a lie.
When I said "Thanks," Yurim waved me off like she couldn't stand it. "When you say stuff like that, I get goosebumps." I huffed a quiet laugh.
"You know, the reason people scold you is because they can see you're capable of changing."
"…Did I really have that in me back then."
At the time I'd been living with zero thought for consequences, after all.
I scratched my head, coming up blank, and Yurim laughed — "Guess you really don't remember?"
"You know, at the start of the year, when everyone was busy with the freshman welcome event."
"…Ah."
Back then I'd gotten sick of being ordered around and tried to bolt, only for Yurim to catch me.
She'd taken off after me in a hurry, nearly gotten buried under a stack of nearby plywood boards — and I'd caught them before they could crush her. That was the incident she meant.
"Right, that did happen. The other guys had stacked those boards like total amateurs."
"…That happened?"
"I shoved them aside fast enough that nothing came of it. Guess the basketball days paid off."
"Anyway— whether I got hurt or not, that was your perfect chance to run, right? And because of it you got caught and had to work after all."
"Even so, just ignoring it and taking off would've left a bad taste."
That was honestly all I'd thought at the time, but Yurim smiled and said, "That part of you. Right there."
"So Yu-seong was the same even back then. One way or another."
"I'd say things have just gotten a little more fun now?"
"Have that conversation somewhere I'm not, you two."
"Aahh, that hit the spot~ I'm stuffed!"
"Clean up properly before you leave."
"I know, I know~"
We were clearing the living room — dishes and decorations everywhere — when Eun-ha got a wistful look and seemed to sink deep into thought.
"What is it?"
"Hey. We're going back to school soon, right?"
"Yeah?"
It was still break, technically, but these days they hauled you back to school before you'd even made it halfway through. The forgotten fact resurfaced and I swallowed a sigh before answering.
"And it's almost New Year's too…?"
"…What are you getting at."
"I'm not ready!!"
Eun-ha cranked her volume so suddenly that I clapped my hands over my ringing ears too late, clutching my buzzing head.
"Everyone's going to spend New Year's with family! Eating our fill was great and all, but something's still missing!"
Not that this little tornado cared one bit about anyone's eardrums — her eyes were already lighting up with pure mischief.
"So with that in mind — who's up for round two?!"
"Oh, I'm in."
"Seconded—"
The others started chiming in too.
This wasn't the first or second time she'd pulled something like this. Figuring whatever would be would be, I glanced sideways at Seol-hwa.
Same as ever.
Anyone could see she wanted in, but she was still hesitating, fidgeting in place.
I let out a quiet sigh no one else would catch and gave her a light tap on the back.
"Y-Yu-seong?"
"You say it."
Seol-hwa looked at me for a moment, then steeled herself and spoke up. "Um…!"
"C-can I… come too?"
"Of course!"
Even if she hadn't said anything, Eun-ha probably would've dragged her along anyway.
Helping is easy. But things like this — she ought to say them herself. That was how I saw it.
"Seol-hwa's gotten so proactive lately~ This unnie is proud!"
"I-it's not that much…"
"Going's fine, but finish cleaning up first, then play."
After some debate over where to go, the consensus settled on the safest option: karaoke.
"Alright — from Merry Christmas straight through to Happy New Year, let's keep this rolling!"
"I genuinely don't know where you get all that energy."
"Hey, take the spark out of Eun-ha and what's left is a corpse."
"I can hear you over there—!"
I'd known her long enough by now, but that energy level was still impossible to keep up with.
A big, noisy crowd like this still wasn't something I was used to. Honestly, it wore me out more than anything.
Seol-hwa seemed to feel the same — she sat beside me and carefully leaned her weight against my side, nothing more.
I was sipping black coffee, trying to shake off the mental fatigue, when Seol-hwa started glancing at me like she wanted a taste. I offered her a sip, and her face immediately puckered.
"Told you it wouldn't taste good."
"I figured everything's an experience…"
The brand-new expression made me laugh before I could stop myself, and Seol-hwa puffed out her cheeks and poked me with a finger.
"Look at you two, sickeningly sweet—"
Yurim was watching us with open fondness, and only then did I become self-conscious again, clearing my throat.
"Hey, lovey-dovey couple over there! How about you belt out a song before we salt you and drive you off?"
"Ooh, yes~ I've never heard either of you sing!"
"Don't just suddenly set the mood like that."
Music and I had never exactly been close, so the suggestion left me stranded. I barely listened to the stuff, let alone sang it.
I was scratching the back of my head in awkward silence when Tae-yang stood up without warning and grabbed a mic.
"Well then — shall we go first?"
"Yes~ My throat's been itching for this!"
"Original lovey-dovey couple~ Fighting!"
And so we got to hear their duet, and the only word for it was of course.
Eun-ha sang with everything she had, and Tae-yang backed her with perfect pitch and timing — that was the feeling.
The guy's already unfairly good-looking for a fellow guy, aces studying and sports, and now he's mastered singing too?
The thought hit me unbidden. Normies were terrifying.
Eun-ha pouring pure joy into holding the energy, Tae-yang supporting her and making her shine — their duet genuinely suited them.
"Nice work… You sing better than I expected."
"Ahem!… Wait, than you expected?!"
"Eun-ha does give off that kind of vibe—"
"Yeah, yeah. Looks can be deceiving."
"Tae-yang~! They're bullying me!"
"There, there. I'm sure they don't mean it badly… Now then — lovey-dovey underclassmen, you're up?"
"Drop the lovey-dovey, would you."
"Then stop rubbing it in our faces—"
"Yeah, yeah! Have some mercy on us singles~"
I did my best to ignore the peanut gallery. Turning them down forever would only kill the mood, so I resigned myself and took the mic they held out.
"You going to be okay? No pressure — don't force it."
I asked Seol-hwa, who still looked undecided behind me, and she answered in a flustered tone. "Well…"
"I don't… really know any songs…"
"Is that all."
She hung her head, fidgeting her fingertips together. I made a show of sighing and gave her a light tap on the head.
"Worst case we can do a kids' song. A little embarrassing at our age, but…"
"Ooh~ Is Yu-seong going to do 'Airplane, Airplane' for us?"
"I can arrange for you to go flying out the window."
I ignored the peanut gallery's useless noise and handed Seol-hwa the other mic.
"It's my first time singing too. At least here, nobody's going to laugh at us… probably."
"Why'd that last word turn into a question!"
"Take a hard look at your usual behavior, you little gremlins."
While we tossed silly jokes back and forth, Seol-hwa carefully took hold of the microphone.
"Is it… okay?"
"Of course."
Even so, singing a nursery rhyme at our age felt wrong, so I studied the chart carefully until I finally found a song Seol-hwa actually knew.
At first she was so tense that cracked notes came often, but I'd picked something easy enough for a beginner, and before long the mistakes started thinning out.
And Seol-hwa's voice, singing and listening like that — once again, of course was the only word that fit.
Choosing a quiet ballad had been the right call.
Her clear voice — gentle, yet quietly sure of itself — made even my own first-time nerves melt away into nothing.
A voice that settled you. Put simply, that was the feeling. The kind that would suit a lullaby just fine.
Unlike the times I'd hummed alone, there was someone beside me singing the same song.
Not just how am I singing this — but what is Seol-hwa feeling, singing this same part right now.
Thoughts like that crept in, and the more we sang, the deeper the song seemed to sink.
"Ooh~ Destined for each other after all!"
"How is that related to a singing evaluation?"
"It means you two sang great together."
"Wow, what a generous translation…"
Seol-hwa's singing had been even better than expected, and Eun-ha started whining that she wanted a turn with her too — so this time I got to sit back and listen while Seol-hwa and Eun-ha took the mics.
For all the fuss, she looks like she's having fun.
She was still shy, but the happiness in Seol-hwa's expression had softened her whole face.
I was watching her with warm eyes when the other guys sidled up beside me. "Hey, groom."
"Not yet."
"Oho, not yet… So Yu-seong's got a bit of a show-off streak, huh?"
I gave the teasing Sihyeon a light smack to shut him up, and laughter bloomed all around us.
"By the way, are you living with Seol-hwa?"
"…How did you know that?"
I shot Tae-yang a silent, accusing look — Did you tell them? — but he just shook his head. "I know nothing."
"How else? The second we knocked and Seol-hwa opened the door, the jig was up."
"Plus she looked totally at home, like it was her own place—"
"That's why people keep calling you newlyweds."
"Yeah, yeah."
Out of comebacks, I scratched my cheek, and the others piled on from the side.
"When did you two get so close?"
"Right? Who would've thought that Han Yu-seong would end up like this?"
"Things just happened, okay."
"Ehh~"
The girls jeered, unsatisfied, but it had started by chance — so "things just happened" wasn't exactly wrong.
"I do it because I want to treasure her. That's all."
"The guy who skipped school at the drop of a hat and acted all prickly whenever anyone talked to him can say stuff like that now?"
"Bring that up and I've got nothing. Thanks to Seol-hwa I was able to say goodbye to that life. If you can look at who I am now and think it's an improvement, that's more than enough for me."
The nasty rumors Joo-hee and her crowd had been quietly spreading like cockroaches had mostly dried up, thanks to Yurim and Eun-ha.
On my end, I'd been scrambling to change how I lived, too.
Being able to sit here and talk normally with everyone else — and not mind it — was probably… what people meant by changed.
Good things are good things. I decided to leave it at that.
"Haa… I'm wiped."
"Same. We played hard enough — let's head back… I'm exhausted."
After that, once Seol-hwa ran out of songs she knew, I'd ended up filling in with whatever, and my throat was raw for it.
By the time we started home, it was late.
"Quiet really is more comfortable."
Noise wasn't bad, exactly — it just wore me out too much.
Being just the two of us like this settled something in me, in more ways than one.
I pulled two canned coffees from a vending machine, dropped onto a nearby bench, and said as much. Seol-hwa chimed in with "Same here."
"For someone who says that, you looked like you were having a pretty good time."
I asked, a little surprised, and Seol-hwa hesitated before murmuring, "Being with you… puts me at ease," and ducked her head.
"…I was thinking the same thing."
"Oh… r-really?"
The mutual embarrassment left only the sound of coffee being sipped, until Seol-hwa said, "Right — this," and held out a bag she'd been carrying.
"Can I open it?"
She nodded, so I tore the wrapping — and found a navy muffler inside.
"Oh. Pretty warm."
I wrapped it around my neck right away. It really was.
Soft to the touch, comfortable enough that wearing it a long time wouldn't strain your neck — quality stuff.
"The shop owner recommended it. When I mentioned it was a gift, she said, 'Then this is the best one!'"
The warmth shut out the cold winter wind completely, and a smile found its way onto my face before I noticed. Seol-hwa beamed back with open relief.
When she looks like that… she's really cute…
Between Eun-ha's and Mom's careful hands, Seol-hwa's appearance had been blooming day by day.
But those rare, happy little smiles — ordinary and beautiful for her age, innocent yet soft —
The power of my newly ordinary girlfriend was more than enough to take a person out.
"…Is there something on my face?"
Had I been staring too hard.
I'd held back from just blurting out that she was cute, worried she might short-circuit — but Seol-hwa tilted her head with a question mark and started patting at her face.
"No, it's just… I was thinking your smile is cute."
I had no choice. Scratching at a cheek that was clearly heating up, I said it — and sure enough, Seol-hwa froze solid with a mental pop! going off above her head.
"Yu…"
"Hm?"
"You're plenty cool too… you know."
"Thanks for the compliment."
"…Ugh!"
Seol-hwa thumped my side in mock resentment, but there was no force behind it — it didn't hurt at all, and only made her seem cuter.
"Here. My gift."
"Huh?"
Had she seriously not considered for a second that she'd be receiving one too, while handing hers over?
I held out a small gift box from my pocket to the frozen Seol-hwa.
"A camera…?"
"Well. Unlike you, I bought it with money I got from home, but…"
Someday I'd earn it properly and give her something real — that part I decided to save for later.
"You seem to like photos, so."
The way she'd looked at the photo album at home, and how especially happy she'd been when we took pictures together — that was all that had stuck with me.
Seol-hwa held the camera, dazed for a moment, then broke into a delighted smile. I was glad.
"Photos… I think they're wonderful."
"Yeah? I find them a little cringey, personally."
"Even so. How do I put it… the part where you can leave memories in a physical form?"
"Poetic."
"Is it…?"
"Let's take a ton. All kinds."
I said it while stroking her hair — and felt something cold brush my cheek.
"Snow…?"
"Oh. A white Christmas? Rare experience."
"It's beautiful…"
Seol-hwa was staring up at the snow in a daze, so I poked her side to snap her out of it.
"Why not take a picture? I hear you don't see this much these days."
"Ah…! You're right — thank you!"
The shutter clicked two or three times, and then Seol-hwa started glancing at me sideways.
"Y-Yu-seong, if it's okay with you… could we take one together?"
She'd spoken up and suggested it herself before I could say a word. I smiled and answered, "Of course."
She gazed so carefully at the freshly printed polaroid of the two of us, and I watched her just as fondly.
"It's a strange feeling, somehow."
"Strange how?"
"Not that long ago I was always alone… and the fact that I can be this happy still feels like a dream sometimes."
"Yeah. Same here."
Maybe it was the falling snow. We both seemed to have turned a little sentimental.
"'Nobody's going to care anyway,' was it?"
I flicked a light knuckle against her forehead, deliberately playful — and Seol-hwa only smiled. "It's okay."
"Because you will. You'll care."
"…Yeah."
"Ah, you're embarrassed."
"Keep talking and you'll get another one."
Too much snow on you couldn't be good either. I shrugged off my coat and held it over Seol-hwa's head like an umbrella.
"Back then, I never thought it'd turn into this."
"Same."
If I hadn't met Seol-hwa that day… I would have missed so much.
Running from school, running from the past. Never reconciling with Dad. Rationalizing that solitude was better and locking myself away in that stupid life… I never would have spent a month this rich.
"Thank you."
Seol-hwa always said I'd saved her — but it went both ways.
I put every bit of gratitude I had — for everything until now, and everything still to come — into those words, and she answered, "I should be the one saying that."
I felt like I finally understood what she meant when she said being together was fun.
And that was why my chest felt this warm.
Treasure this warmth — I promised myself that, and we walked on together through the night streets.