I'd Be Happy
I had no choice but to call a taxi instead of an ambulance.
The girl was just lying there, breathing hard; there was no way I could ask her for an address. So I set the destination as my own place and started off.
The first guest I've ever brought into a house where no one has ever set foot… is a sick girl…
When we reached my door, I handed the driver some bills, let out a sigh, and muttered to myself.
Seol-hwa seemed to have fallen asleep in the meantime, so I carefully hoisted her onto my back so she wouldn't wake, carried her inside, and laid her on the bed in my room.
There was a guest room with a bed of its own, but… my life had never had much to do with cleaning or tidiness. I'd stuffed all sorts of junk into the unused guest room, so it was more storage closet than bedroom. Leaving a sick kid in a place like that would definitely give me nightmares. That was why I had no choice but to put Seol-hwa in my relatively clean room.
Keeping rain-soaked clothes on wouldn't be good for her either. But I couldn't exactly start undressing a girl. While I fretted over what to do, Seol-hwa seemed to come around enough to say she would change herself, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
I pulled spare pajamas from the closet and handed them to her. Then I left the room, stripped off my own wet clothes in the living room, and took a quick—or rather, rough—shower to get rid of the clammy feeling.
Afterward, figuring I had nothing to lose, I rummaged through the cluttered shelf in the living room and luckily turned up some cold medicine and fever reducers. The kitchen yielded instant porridge in much the same way. It was all instant, but better than nothing, I decided, and roughly dumped the contents into a pot and set it to boil.
"…Why was she like that?"
Staring at the pot as steam began to rise, I found the words slipping out on their own. Of course I wondered why a sick kid had been out alone late at night without an umbrella, but that wasn't what truly puzzled me.
I should rephrase. The words weren't enough. Why did she have those eyes… that would be closer to it.
There was a darkness in them, like sorrow that had solidified into something as deep as the night sea. The kind that made you feel you yourself might sink into a swamp of sadness just by looking—that was what lived there. And unfortunately, I roughly understood what creates something like that.
Being sick, or being bullied… those alone don't produce eyes that look empty, eyes that have discarded any spark of life. Only after thoroughly stripping the word "hope" from yourself, from others, or from the word "life" itself can something like that emerge. I knew all too well—well enough to make my skin crawl—that what filled those eyes was nothing but a uselessly deep despair.
…Because I probably wore the same eyes.
What had I felt toward her? A sense of kinship that she might be like me… or just selfish pity wanting to believe that? I didn't know for sure, but either way I couldn't simply leave her—
"…Crap."
I must have sunk too deep into useless contemplation. A strange smell snapped me back; when I looked at the pot, the porridge had burned black. I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed.
In the end I had to make it again. Even then, with scorched bits still clinging here and there, my pathetic cooking skills were enough to bring tears. I considered just ordering delivery, but it would take too long, so I wanted to avoid that if I could. It was three-minute instant food, sure, but isn't this about the heart? It'll be fine… probably.
"Feeling any better?"
With the strange, inverted feeling of nursing a stranger in my own room, I knocked on the door holding a tray with porridge and medicine. After about a minute with no response, I called that I was coming in and quietly opened the door. Seol-hwa looked soundly asleep. Her wet school uniform was neatly folded and set in the corner.
I hadn't really done anything, but thankfully her rough breathing seemed a little calmer, so I patted my chest in relief that it wasn't as bad as I'd feared.
"You sure sleep quietly."
Normally people snore or talk in their sleep or something. But Seol-hwa was literally sleeping like the dead. Without her faint breathing you might have thought she was gone. She must have been thoroughly exhausted.
Seeing her so deeply asleep made me feel foolish for all the fretting about whether I should have sent her to the hospital. I silently sat down and leaned against the bed leg.
"…What the hell am I doing?"
I muttered with a hollow laugh, but of course no answer came. The clock in the dark room already showed two in the morning. Late hour, body stained with rain and fatigue, the odd feeling of a girl in my room… and those dark eyes of hers. With all those thoughts piling up, my eyelids grew heavy.
"Um… excuse me…"
I tasted the somehow nostalgic feeling of someone waking me. I must have dozed off. Yawning softly, I opened my eyes and stretched. The clock now showed around seven, and outside the window the blue of the sky had returned.
"…Um, s-sorry."
Only when I heard the voice again did I notice Seol-hwa looking apologetic. As she bowed her head, I answered briefly, "Don't worry about it."
Her expression still looked gloomy, but at least there was no strong sign of illness.
"Feeling okay?"
To be sure, I asked, and Seol-hwa nodded slightly.
"Thanks to you… um, thank you."
"Must have been dizziness from the rain. Glad it was nothing serious."
Sleeping against the bed leg had left my body sore in various places. As I rolled my lightly aching neck and shoulders, Seol-hwa started bowing her head again at the sight.
"I'm sorry. I caused you trouble and even took your bed…"
"Like I keep saying. I don't really mind."
If I'd cleaned regularly I could have put Seol-hwa in the guest room and slept comfortably in my own bed. It was my own fault, so there was nothing to apologize for. Besides, sleeping anywhere wasn't new to me; I waved it off, telling her not to think too much of it. But the dark shadow on Seol-hwa's face showed no sign of lifting.
"Um… I've imposed on you. How should I repay…"
"Repay this or that—why so formal? We're in the same class."
Seeing her being polite and even using formal speech, I said it was excessive and she didn't need to, waving my hand. But Seol-hwa muttered softly, "…It's become a habit," still with her heavy-looking head bowed.
"Looks like you ate everything I gave you."
Continuing to look at that dark figure made me feel the gloom might infect me, so I turned my gaze and spotted the medicine packet and dishes, changing the subject.
"I did it because I wanted to. I told you you don't need to feel that sorry. Your head's gonna fall off."
I'm already an outcast whose social skills rank near the bottom. I couldn't be rough with a sick kid, yet here I was performing the heavy duty of keeping a conversation going with a girl, and all I got back was stifling silence.
"…Why is that?"
What broke the prolonged silence was Seol-hwa's questioning voice.
"What do you mean."
I roughly guessed the intent, but I asked back anyway.
"…You didn't have to go out of your way to help me."
"Leaving a sick girl about to collapse in the rain would be the end of me as a man and as a human."
Though I already seem finished, I swallowed those words, scratched the back of my head, and sighed. I couldn't deny it had been unsolicited meddling.
"If what you say is true, what—were you trying to die there or something?"
Naturally there was no answer. Silence stretched again. We were in the same class but not close enough for small talk, and neither of us seemed the type to lead a conversation, so the atmosphere kept sinking.
"…Hey."
"What."
The same situation repeating started to grate, so I answered without fully hiding my irritation. Sensing it, Seol-hwa shrank and carefully opened her mouth.
"…Aren't you going to ask?"
"About what."
"Why I was like that…"
"You want me to ask?"
"That's…"
Still hesitant, dejected like a puppy soaked through by rain, I let out a big sigh this time for show. Seol-hwa flinched as if thoroughly scared.
"Scared?"
"That's… I'm sorry." Seol-hwa mumbled and bowed her head.
"I don't mind. I'm used to it."
I'm aware my expression is fierce. School is just a playground I drop by when I'm bored. Already labeled a delinquent, so it's reaping what I sow—nothing to get hurt over.
"I don't particularly feel like prying into something you don't want to talk about."
When I said that, Seol-hwa finally raised her head. It would be a lie to say I didn't want to ask… but something that makes eyes like that. It couldn't be light. Surely there were difficult circumstances, and I didn't have the confidence to handle them.
"I don't have any intention of using this as an excuse to make you do something. So it's better for you not to worry either."
After speaking I went to the kitchen, brought back some barley tea I'd boiled, and handed it to her. Only after receiving it did Seol-hwa look a little relieved, and this time she bowed her head as if to express thanks.
"Yuseong-ssi… you're kind."
"…I don't think I'm the type to hear that. I just did the natural rescue action as a human being."
I cut it off saying it was just that, then asked about the part that had caught my attention.
"By the way, you remembered my name pretty well."
I could confidently say the number of people I could call acquaintances—let alone friends—could be counted on one hand. More people probably remembered me as "that guy" rather than by name. When I asked, looking surprised, Seol-hwa also looked surprised, or rather answered as if wondering why I wouldn't remember.
"We're in the same class, right?"
"…That hits a nerve in various ways, so stop saying that."
The only reason I hadn't forgotten Seol-hwa's name was because she came from a famous family and the class kept talking about her every other day. Excluding my parents, I could confidently say the names I remembered could be counted on one finger. Looking at me with eyes that said this was only natural just made me feel awkward.
As we talked like that it was soon time for school. Since putting Seol-hwa's thoroughly soaked clothes through the dryer seemed iffy, I had no choice but to pull out a hair dryer, dry them, and hand them over.
"Yuseong-ssi…"
Seol-hwa opened her mouth looking at me as if she wanted to say something. She must have assumed I wouldn't go to school; skipping was second nature to me.
"I'll get ready and go myself, so you go ahead."
I sighed and roughly waved her off, telling her to go first.
"…If you come, I think I'd be happy."
Saying that, Seol-hwa finally bowed politely with a "Thank you very much." The first visitor to my house left like that.
"…Should I sleep more."
The moment Seol-hwa's footsteps faded I stretched with a deep yawn and returned to the room without hesitation.
"Sleeping roughly against the bed leg makes me sleepy."
Muttering that, I sprawled out on the bed in a big X.
"What would I even do there."
…Who was I making excuses to when no one was around? But it was a meaningless place with no reason or purpose to go. That was all school was to me—just a place to fill attendance days so I wouldn't fail. I didn't want to walk in of my own free will and voluntarily taste the unpleasantness.
…I had been just as soaked by the rain, so I thought I'd fall asleep the moment I lay down, but somehow sleep wouldn't come at all. It felt like my eyes refused to close even more than on nights when I tossed and turned alone. Looking up at the ceiling, I let out a laugh mixed with emptiness.
"…How stupid."
As I covered my vision with my arm, the words slipped out on their own. The remaining warmth of Seol-hwa on the bed I was lying on kept poking at what little conscience I had left.
"I'd be happy, huh…"
Seol-hwa must have known too. That even if someone like her said it, there was no way I'd come to school. Yet she still said it—that she'd be happy if I came. If I didn't go, it would become a lie after all. Would it add another sadness to those dark, empty eyes?
"…Really, what do I want to do."
I didn't know for sure, but leaving it alone felt somehow uneasy. Still thinking it was stupid, before I knew it I was taking out the school uniform I hadn't seen in a week.