Don't Hide When It Hurts
"Just try not to make too much of a mess. Cleaning up's my job."
"I already said I got it~"
How on earth had things ended up like this? The five of us sat clustered together on a big picnic mat, and lunch got underway.
"…That's huge."
"No kidding."
What drew the eye amid all of it was the enormous three-tier lunch box Tae-yang had brought along.
Its imposing presence had Seol-hwa and me staring at the same time, and Tae-yang seemed a little embarrassed by the attention. He scratched his cheek and laughed it off like it was nothing.
"Honestly, it's a waste. There's no way we need this much, and even when I tell her we don't, she half-forces it on me anyway. Eun-ha's cooking, packed full of love, is way better."
"I can't believe those words just roll right off your tongue."
I was already recoiling from the secondhand embarrassment of that shameless flirting, but Tae-yang paid me no mind at all. Eun-ha's "Aww, if you like it that much, I guess I can't help it♪" kicked things off, and the two of them launched into a feed-each-other routine that wouldn't have looked out of place in a pure-love manga.
"I figure you'll understand soon enough."
"I sincerely hope that day never comes."
I waved my hands in disgust at Tae-yang, who was saying this while chewing on fried chicken — and out of nowhere, Yurim piped up with a "Pardon me—" and plopped down right beside me.
"Give it up. Even I can't stop those two. Besides, watching them is kind of entertaining after a while."
"Terrifying. A full-on salt-in-the-wound couple."
Even as we talked, Yurim kept glancing over at me with this goofy grin, until I finally couldn't take the staring anymore and blurted it out.
"What's so funny?"
"Sorry, sorry. Seeing you hanging out with other people just makes me wonder if the sun's about to rise in the west."
"…Yeah, fair enough."
It wasn't exactly wrong, so I had nothing to say back. All I could do was let out a long sigh.
If I'd told the me from a week ago about any of this, he probably would've written it off as nonsense. That kind of reaction was only natural, in a way.
"Your little group is pretty unexpected, though. I didn't even know you guys were that close."
"Well… we were kind of keeping it under wraps."
"For people keeping it under wraps, you two looked pretty bold this morning."
"Sitting still wasn't going to change anything."
At Yurim's question about what wind had blown through me, I answered without words — just a quiet glance toward Seol-hwa.
"Hey, hey. If Yu-seong starts giving you a hard time, you can always run away to my place, okay?"
"Th-that won't happen… I'm fine."
"…I think she actually prefers it when I do."
"Hmm~?"
"What. What's with that creepy look."
"Creepy? I'm looking at you fondly."
"I respectfully decline."
"By the way — is that really all you and Seol-hwa brought?"
Tae-yang was looking at the things the two of us had brought for lunch, clearly baffled.
"…What about it?"
…One of us had an energy drink. The other had a sweet red-bean bun and a carton of milk. That was the entire spread, so the reaction was fair enough.
"Ugh, I can't believe this! That's all a teenager in their prime is eating?!"
"I'm more of a 'just get lunch over with' kind of guy."
As of this morning, the fridge had been completely cleaned out of ingredients… but there was no way I was saying that out loud, not even if my mouth split open.
It wasn't that I was broke. I'd fully intended to get Seol-hwa something proper from the school store or a convenience store — but for whatever reason, she'd insisted this was what she wanted…
"Hmm, so that's how you're playing it? Fine then. We'll leave the 'just get it over with' Yu-seong to fend for himself, and Seol-hwa can share a nice little meal with me♪"
"Uh, I couldn't just take your f—"
"Nope."
Before Seol-hwa could even finish, Eun-ha swiftly stuffed a piece of rolled omelet straight into her mouth.
Chew, chew…
"Well? Good, right? It's one of my specialties!"
"It's delicious… Did you make it yourself?"
"Eun-ha's more of an all-rounder than she looks."
"Tae-yang. Do we really need the 'than she looks'~? …Huh. Seol-hwa, what's wrong?"
Eun-ha had been about to twist Tae-yang's arm as payback for the unnecessary qualifier — then she noticed Seol-hwa looking strangely out of it, and her voice turned worried.
"Uh… huh? Wh-what's wrong?"
Seol-hwa's reaction was a beat too slow. I said, "Excuse me a second," and pressed a hand to her forehead.
"…You're burning up. What were you doing letting it get this bad?!"
My voice rose before I could stop it.
Startled by that, Seol-hwa's eyes welled up as she answered with a soft "Sorry…" — and instead of answering, I scooped her right up and slung her over my shoulder.
"W-wait…?!"
"Quiet. You did whatever you wanted, so now I'm doing whatever I want. …Sorry to bail mid-meal. We're heading out first."
I took feverish Seol-hwa straight to the nurse's office.
Part of me wanted to break into a full sprint, but putting extra strain on the idiot draped over my back would have defeated the whole point — so I had no choice but to walk slowly.
"Thirty-eight degrees. She's running a bit of a fever. Good thing you brought her in quickly."
Seol-hwa hadn't said a word the whole way here. At some point she must have fallen asleep; now she was just breathing softly on the bed.
"…Is Seol-hwa going to be okay?" I asked, the unease still not fully gone from my voice. The nurse told me, "You need to calm down first," gently chiding me.
"We'll have to keep an eye on her condition for now. If it really doesn't improve, we'll need to move her to a hospital."
"A hospital…"
"You don't need to worry too much. That's a last resort, and she doesn't look that serious."
"…That's a relief, then."
"Thank you for taking care of her," I said, bowing at the waist before stepping out into the hallway — where Eun-ha and Tae-yang were waiting, as if they'd been standing there the whole time.
"Is Seol-hwa okay? Yurim had a class meeting, so she couldn't come."
"They said to just let her rest for now. If it gets worse they'll send her to the hospital, so we just have to hope it doesn't come to that."
She'd said she hated hospitals even back then. I wanted to avoid that as much as possible.
I'd never heard the reason, but it was probably because of her family — the kind of household that ran a hospital.
I prayed silently that the worst-case scenario wouldn't happen.
"She'll be fine. Don't worry so much."
Maybe it showed on my face. Tae-yang set a hand on my shoulder with a gentle smile, telling me not to fret.
"…Yeah. You're right."
I went back to the classroom, but somehow I just sat there in a daze.
Through class periods and breaks alike, I kept staring at Seol-hwa's empty seat — a seat that showed no sign of her returning…
Was this what people meant when they said something felt hollow?
"Idiot…"
"Excuse me."
The second class ended, I knocked on the nurse's office door.
"Come in," came the voice, and I carefully pushed the door open.
The nurse was looking my way with a quiet smile.
"Welcome back. She woke up briefly earlier, so I gave her some fever reducer and put her back to sleep. She's doing a lot better. Still out, though — want me to wake her?"
"No, I'll just wait."
I sat down and kept sneaking glances toward the curtained-off bed, until the nurse teased, "Keep that up and your eyes'll turn into dead fish," and handed me a cup with steam curling off the top.
"Thank you."
"It's just green tea. Anyway — there's something I've been wanting to ask."
"What is it?"
"Is she your girlfriend?"
I nearly sprayed the entire mouthful across the room.
"…No, she is not."
I thumped my chest, coughing from the tea that had gone down the wrong way. The nurse cackled with a mischievous look. "That's a funnier reaction than I expected~"
First Eun-ha, then my mother, and now this… The sudden spike in personal disasters was definitely not just my imagination.
…All of a sudden, I felt genuinely grateful that Seol-hwa was the quiet type.
"Most people find it annoying, you know."
The nurse perched on her chair, crossed her legs, and sighed.
"…Is that so?" I asked. She shrugged. "Most of them."
"They don't say it out loud, but it shows in their attitude. At first, everyone's worried because a kid is sick. But the more times it happens, the more they get used to it.
It becomes just… another annoying chore."
"…Did Seol-hwa come here a lot?"
At my question, the nurse went "Well~," pressing a finger to her chin with a thoughtful hum.
"On the frequent weeks, she'd come three or four times."
"…I see."
I couldn't hide the dark look that crossed my face. The nurse went on, "But you know."
"Lately she hasn't been coming much at all. I wonder whose fault that is?"
When I said nothing, she laughed. "You're shyer than I thought, Yu-seong."
"Aside from the classroom and the rooftop, this was probably the place Seol-hwa came most often. We ended up talking quite a bit because of that."
I answered with my third "I see," and the nurse gave a short "Yeah," then let out a long breath.
"Shame the nurse's office is a no-smoking zone… Do you know, Yu-seong? About Seol-hwa's story."
"The rough outline, yeah."
"She's a pitiful kid… She really is."
"You're not wrong."
I nodded calmly, and the nurse smiled with something bitter at the edges.
"The first time I saw Seol-hwa… she was pretty torn up. Body and heart both."
"Yeah."
I could still picture her clearly from that rainy day.
Soaked through with the belief that no one would care — steeped in sadness…
"It's a cruel thing. A good kid who never did anything wrong, ending up like that because of a few rotten people.
Doctors aren't all-powerful. Medicine can heal wounds on the body, sure — but wounds of the heart? That's another story.
Wounds given by people can only be healed by people. And in that sense… I'm glad you were there for her."
"Glad…?"
"I saw the two of you walking together in the morning. I'd never seen Seol-hwa smile like that before."
"It wasn't anything special," I said. The nurse agreed. "You're right. It wasn't anything special."
"Ordinary things just weren't ordinary for her, that's all. An adult like me looking down from above and saying 'that must have been hard' doesn't really help much.
…So when I saw her with you, I felt relieved."
Her expression still looked bitter despite the word relieved, so I answered, "That's not right."
"What's not?" she blinked. I let out a small snort of a laugh.
"If it's her, she'd be plenty grateful to you… That's just the kind of person she is, right?"
"…Yeah. She was that kind of kid."
Looking somehow clearer, the nurse flopped back into her chair and stretched.
"Why don't you just go ahead and date her already?"
"That's…"
When I trailed off, she made a thoughtful sound and leaned forward.
"Yu-seong. Do you dislike Seol-hwa?"
"…Isn't that a cheap question?"
She's a good kid.
Neglected by her family, shut out at school, forced to live through a long stretch of loneliness.
Someone who occasionally does the most ridiculous things, gets swept up in pranks way too easily, and then sulks about how mean everyone is.
Someone whose rare little smiles are genuinely nice to see… that kind of person.
(If it's not Yu-seong… I don't want it.)
The one who told me she liked me — the me I'd always hated…
"…Ugh!"
It was only when I noticed the nurse grinning at me that I snapped back to myself.
"You're easier to read than I expected. Even the infamous Han Yu-seong is still just a kid."
"…I am a kid."
What kind of face had I been making? I had no idea, so I answered sulkily — but the nurse still hadn't dropped her smile.
"Alright then… hmm, let me rephrase the question."
"…What."
"Have you ever thought Seol-hwa was cute?"
At that, I froze completely, unable to get a single word out.
The nurse laughed out loud and patted my shoulder. "Think it over sometime, teenager."
"I'm wiped."
I barely made it to the bed in my room before collapsing flat on my back and letting out a deep sigh.
"Haa…"
How many sighs was that now?
Call it a habit — I knew I did it a lot — but today was worse than usual.
And of course it was…
"Cute, huh…"
Afraid that this morning's events would come flooding back, I hurriedly shook my head.
In the end, Seol-hwa never woke up before the school gates closed, so I'd had no choice but to carry her home on my back and lay her down in her room.
…Had the trip from school to home always been this exhausting?
I was lying there blankly through yet another sigh when a careful knock sounded at the door. I flinched without thinking — and rolled right off the bed.
"…Come in."
Rubbing the back of my throbbing head, I opened the door.
Seol-hwa stood there looking at me with worry, and I found myself turning my face away before I could stop it.
"There was this huge noise… Are you okay?"
"Just a minor accident… Don't worry about it."
"Well, if you say so…"
After that, neither of us could figure out what to say, and an awkward silence stretched on.
I forced myself out to the living room through the stifling quiet, but nothing about the situation changed, and another sigh slipped out.
"Um, uh…"
Maybe she couldn't stand the silence — or maybe she thought that sigh meant I was angry.
Seol-hwa, who'd been fidgeting with her hands, bowed her head. "I'm sorry…"
"Sorry for what part, exactly?"
"Wh-what part? Well… for collapsing on my own and causing you trouble…"
With no sign she was going to lift her head, I silently bonked her on top of it. She was sick, so I couldn't hit hard — just enough.
"Why didn't you say you weren't feeling well."
"That's…"
As Seol-hwa hemmed and hawed, I crossed my arms and added, "Let me be clear."
"'I didn't want to be a burden.' 'I felt bad.' That kind of crap is banned in advance."
"Th-then I don't have anything to— ow."
Before she could finish, I bonked the same spot a little harder than before.
"If you pull this again, I'm actually going to get mad… Being in pain isn't something you hide."
Regret always comes too late, no matter how early it arrives.
My leg, still throbbing even now, was living proof of that.
Whatever excuses you dress up after the fact… no matter how pretty the words, they're still just excuses.
"We help each other. We promised, remember?"
If it hurts, you help. It's that simple.
Even if she said she didn't need it now, I was going to help her whether she liked it or not.
Eun-ha had said it.
That the more you treasure someone, the more they treasure you back… and that that's what a relationship is.
Not one person always giving help, but two people giving and receiving.
Whatever it used to be — right now, that's what we are.
That's how I see it. And even if it isn't, that's what I want it to become.
When I said that, Seol-hwa quietly answered, "I'm sorry," and bowed her head again.
As she lifted it, I caught a glimpse of her faintly wistful smile — and the nurse's words from earlier came rushing back, making me turn my face away again without thinking.
"Yu-seong…?"
"It's nothing… Don't worry about it."
"You saying that while looking the other way just makes me worry more…"
"…Just let me have this one."
I let out another long, silent sigh.
I've still got a long way to go myself… I thought.