Chapter 50
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 50
After she was gone, Eun-seong sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the empty space beside him.
He gently ran his hand over the spot where her warmth had completely faded, then slowly closed and opened his eyes. If not for the bouquet she had left to congratulate him, or the broken champagne glass on the floor, he might have thought he’d imagined her being there at all.
Like someone who had lost their purpose, he sat perfectly still, doing nothing but breathing, before finally lifting his head. Only then did his breath come easily, making him realize just how tightly he’d been holding it.
“I hope that when the time comes, I won't fall apart. I want to be able to turn away with just a little regret and a little relief.”
Even before they had truly started again, she was already thinking of the end.
“I mean it. So, for that time to come, it’s best we don’t give each other our hearts. It’s better for both of us in many ways.”
It felt as though she were telling him that, in the end, he wouldn’t be able to protect her. A sudden surge of resentment flared within him, but he had no excuse.
She knew what was coming and was preparing for it. She refused to give him her heart, insisting she had to survive, too. Faced with her devastatingly wise and correct words, he was forced to admit what a pathetic man he was.
There was one fact he must never forget: Go Yeon-ju is a mother.
Even if only to protect Han-byeol from the world’s harsh gaze, she had no intention of playing with fire for long. Nothing in the world was important enough to risk her child’s future.
He hadn’t been able to ask her, not even once, “If you’re okay with it, will you see this through with me?” He hadn’t been able to persuade her, not even once, “If you love me, too, can’t we make it work this time?”
“You idiot. Look what you’ve done.”
A long, heavy sigh escaped him, followed by a wave of self-reproach.
He lay down on the bed as if drained of all energy. Staring blankly at the dim light, he curled his hand into a fist, as if trying to recall the warmth of her hand in his.
Even later, don't forgive me.
He squeezed his eyes shut.
Never… never forgive me…
While he had been dragged back into the past, toying with memories, she had run ahead into the future, remaining as detached as someone who had already witnessed their messy end.
The thought made him laugh. While she, always so thoroughly prepared, made sure she had an escape route, he had done nothing but look at her, destined to be left helpless once again.
He really should prepare himself this time so he wouldn’t get hurt so badly. If the end was already decided, he should at least set up a safety net so he wouldn’t suffer so terribly.
As if that were possible.
“This is going to destroy me. I’ll be completely helpless.”
He muttered to himself for a brief moment, as if he had caught a glimpse of the future she had already seen. Then, he quietly stared at the empty space beside him once more.
Should he not have brought her here? Now, he would never be able to rest peacefully in this place. The space she had occupied for only a short while felt so vast. In this room where being alone had once felt natural, loneliness would now settle in, making him feel truly abandoned.
He let out a short breath and raised an arm to cover his eyes. He pictured her face smiling brightly during the day, then recalled her raw, feverish gaze in the dark of night, and bit his lip. He didn’t want to lose any version of her, nor did he want to share any part of her with anyone else. His heart began to burn with a desperate longing.
…Could he really turn away?
“What do I do? I don’t think I can, Yeon-ju.”
When the time came, whenever that might be, would he be able to step back cleanly?
Could he wish for her peace, protect her child’s safe and ordinary life, and disappear as if nothing had ever happened?
He had to. He could. Even if he couldn’t, he must. Eun-seong, who had been pushing himself with these thoughts, wiped his face with his hands as if to wash away his sighs and bit his lip hard.
Snapping out of it, Eun-seong picked up his phone and called her. How far had she gotten? Was she tired? Did she want to see him again? Had she considered turning back?
“Hello? Where are you? Are you getting home safely? Your feet don’t hurt, do they?”
— Me? I’m almost home. Just about to go inside. Why?
“Ah… that was fast. I was just calling to check on you.”
It was an autumn night with a bright moon and settling frost. There was no time to lie here playing the tragic hero—there was simply not enough time to love her.
* * *
“Oh? Yeon-ju!”
On a day with no filming, Dr. Ju, who was minding the clinic, looked surprised to see Yeon-ju walk through the door.
“Hello, Doctor.”
“Welcome. Oh, is something wrong with Yam?”
“No, Yam is in tip-top shape these days.”
“Then why are you…”
Dr. Ju stopped mid-sentence. His professional habits had kicked in, making him thoughtlessly ask why she had come.
He cursed his own lack of tact. Dr. Ju quickly changed his expression and waved his hands.
“I’m sorry, that sounded incredibly unwelcoming.”
“No, it’s my fault for coming to an animal hospital without Yam.”
“Would you like a cup of coffee?”
“I’d prefer the tea you usually drink.”
Dr. Ju, who was about to fetch the coffee he had recently stocked up on, turned around. As he walked toward the examination room, Yeon-ju smiled softly.
“It’s not Ssanghwa-cha with a raw egg yolk floating in it, is it?”
“Unfortunately, there’s no egg yolk, but I do have Ssanghwa-cha. I’ll give you something else today, though.”
“Ah, okay. Thank you.”
Dr. Ju quickly brought out two cups of tea. A quiet tea time began in the examination room.
* * *
“How is the tea?”
At Dr. Ju’s question, Yeon-ju savored a sip. Then, she tilted her head, not quite sure.
“It doesn’t have much of a scent. The taste is… a bit astringent, I suppose?”
“Yes, that’s how it is at first. It’s a tea made from lotus seeds.”
“Lotus seeds? I’ve never heard of it.”
“They’re the fully ripened seeds of the lotus flower. If you remove the core and brew them, the tea is good for recovering from fatigue, improving blood circulation, calming the mind, and even weight loss.”
“Wow, I had no idea. It’s a great tea.”
Dr. Ju pointed to the teacup with a serious expression.
“These lotus seeds are full of methionine, an essential amino acid. Since methionine can’t be synthesized by the body, it has to be consumed through food like this. The astringent taste is likely from the methionine, but if you savor it slowly, you’ll be able to taste a sweetness at the end.”
“Ah… yes, I see.”
Yeon-ju smiled as he finished. Seeing him explain the tea with such sparkling eyes made her feel like she was listening to a lecture from a famous doctor.
Perhaps realizing the meaning behind her smile, Dr. Ju looked embarrassed again.
“I haven’t seen you in a while, Yeon-ju, and here I am rambling on about tea. I really have no tact.”
“No, it was very informative. Where else would I get to drink lotus seed tea? Methionine, essential amino acid—I’ll be sure to remember that.”
Taking a slow sip, Yeon-ju closed her eyes comfortably to savor the aftertaste. Then, she opened them as if she had made a discovery.
“Just as you said, Doctor, I can taste the sweetness at the end. I didn’t notice it before, but it’s true.”
“Right? Because of the initial astringency, many people miss it, but if you drink it quietly, the sweetness is actually quite rich… Ah, I’m sorry. I keep talking about useless things.”
Dr. Ju kept furrowing his brow as if displeased with himself. Yeon-ju watched his face quietly, then brushed her hair back.
A serene atmosphere settled over them—neither heavy nor light. After a brief silence, Yeon-ju finally spoke.
“I came because I thought you might be waiting for me, Doctor.”
“Ah… yes. Yeon-ju.”
Nodding, Dr. Ju bit his lip. Because of the words he had blurted out that rainy night under the awning of the animal hospital, he had been waiting for her judgment like a condemned man.
“To be honest, I don’t dislike the interest you’ve shown me, Doctor.”
“…”
“I know you’re a wonderful person, and being with you like this makes me feel comfortable without even realizing it. It feels like my complicated thoughts quiet down.”
Though her words sounded positive, her solemn tone, her grave expression, and her dull eyes made it easy to predict what would follow.
Dr. Ju remained silent, pulling his teacup closer.
“Talking with you feels like drinking a tea that’s good for my health. A tea that calms the mind and helps me recover from fatigue.”
“…”
“But I’m already jaded and thoroughly worn down by the world. Rather than a pure, clean tea like this, coffee loaded with caffeine suits me much, much better.”
Dr. Ju, who had been swallowing his tea, raised his head. His Adam’s apple bobbed heavily as the liquid went down.
“I know it’s good for me, and I know that keeping it close would only bring good things. I know all of that, but even so, the moment I walk out of this clinic, I know I’ll go drink coffee. I’ll think to myself, ‘As expected, coffee is the best for me.’”
“Yeon-ju.”
“You asked me to give you time. To give you a chance.”
Yeon-ju looked at Dr. Ju with a steady, calm gaze.
“No matter how much I think about it, that chance and that time would only be a loss. For both of us.”
“…”
“I can’t do that to you, Doctor.”
Dr. Ju slowly lowered his gaze to his teacup. Looking at the tea, so clean and clear he could see the bottom, he thought it a foolish drink, for its heart was so completely visible.
An inside that was so transparent. A bottom that showed everything, not knowing how to hide.
“Yeon-ju.”
So, of course, there was no room for curiosity.
“Yes, Doctor.”
So, of course, it was bound to be dull.
“Do you like him?”
A lukewarm warmth seeped into his hand from the teacup. Dr. Ju couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes, letting time pass as he repeatedly clenched and unclenched his hand.
“…Yes.”
His eyes closed on their own. Fearing his sorrow might leak out, he let out a deep breath and nodded before finally opening them.
His heart, not particularly surprised, beat without pain. Yes. He already knew. Hadn’t he known this for some time?
“Isn’t he the person you wanted to avoid more than anyone? You didn’t want to get entangled with him again, so you even lied to run away from him.”
“I wanted to run away. No, I still want to run away. Tomorrow, I’ll probably want to run away from him, too.”
“…”
“But… I can’t seem to do it, Doctor.”
His jaw clenched, teeth grinding together. A heavy, sigh-filled breath escaped him, spreading through the room like a dull noise.
How much time passed? As if he couldn’t understand no matter how much he thought about it, as if he truly couldn’t comprehend the reason, he asked her.
“What are you going to do, loving a man like that? Is there any promise of a future? Did he tell you everything would be fine?”
“No. It’s not that, but…”
“Then that means he can’t take responsibility for you in the end. You shouldn’t go down a path like that. No matter how much you like him, you shouldn’t, Yeon-ju.”
Anxiety welled up in him, like watching a child playing too close to the water. He wanted to stop her, to ask why she was so determined to walk such a dangerous path.
But she smiled. It was an incredibly brilliant smile, resembling the bright sunlight hanging faintly on the examination room window.
It was as if, in that moment, she could neither hear nor see anyone but him. As if she would worry about the future later.
“He’s someone who will fly far, far away eventually. But I think it’s actually a relief that there’s an expiration date between us. That’s all I’m thinking about right now.”
“…”
“I’m sorry, and thank you, Doctor.”
Dr. Ju finally lowered his eyes. He had wanted to make her happy. He knew how much her heart, already stolen by that man, must ache.
He realized he shouldn’t add to her burden.
…She was ready to be happy for a moment, and sad for a long time.