Chapter 5
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 5
Yeon-ju smiled as she always did while saying her final goodbyes to Eun-seong. With the airport already swarming with reporters, their farewell was just a few brief words exchanged in the car when he stopped by her house.
Looking at his face, knowing it would be the last time, she found him strangely unfamiliar. Dressed in a black sweatshirt with a cap pulled low over his eyes, he looked every bit the actor he was.
A sudden sense of distance washed over her, a stark reminder that he wasn't meant for some childish, make-believe romance. She had been living in a foolish, empty dream all this time.
After he left, Yeon-ju sent him a short message saying she was also going to study abroad. She apologized for not telling him sooner, explaining that she had kept putting it off because his own departure was so close.
She wrote that she wanted to become a great designer, too. You know that's my dream, right? she added, before saying it would be best for them to just end things here.
[I want to end this now. I think it’s for the best.]
She knew she could never say those words to his face. If she tried to tell him over the phone, the tears welling up in her throat would surely give away the lie.
Though she knew it was a cowardly, underhanded thing to do, Yeon-ju turned off her phone the moment she sent the message. She simply couldn't find any other way.
Perhaps because none of it felt real yet, she couldn't even cry. One day passed, then two. Yeon-ju lay completely still, her phone remaining off.
She had no appetite and skipped several meals, only to be hit with waves of nausea that left her dry-heaving. Eventually, even swallowing water became a struggle. Plagued by dizziness and a low-grade fever, she could barely move.
After several days, Yeon-ju disconnected her phone number. As if to validate her lie about studying abroad, she submitted a request for a leave of absence from her university.
Several more days went by. She turned on the television just in time for the broadcast of his awards ceremony. While waiting for Eun-seong to appear, her gaze drifted to the calendar.
Rubbing her lower abdomen, which had been aching with a dull, cold pain for days, she stared at the date and fell into deep thought. Wait… when was my last period?
Her cycle had always been irregular, so skipping a month was nothing new. But as she realized how long it had actually been, a sudden wave of anxiety washed over her.
She had always been diligent about contraception, but one night weighed on her mind—the early hours of her birthday. Drunk and swept up in the moment, they had neglected their usual precautions.
…No, it can’t be. Surely not.
Yeon-ju forced her eyes back to the television. She tried to shake off the mounting dread, but her hand remained frozen over her stomach.
Life can’t be this cruel. If she just kept her head down and lived quietly for a few months, everything would return to normal. She repeated the words like a mantra, trying to cast a spell over herself.
Yet, unable to ignore her body’s strange symptoms any longer, she stood up as if possessed. Earlier that day, while buying digestive medicine, she had bought a pregnancy test on a strange whim.
Pulling the test from her bag, Yeon-ju took a deep, trembling breath.
She wondered if she was overreacting, but the anxiety wouldn't ease otherwise. She decided to get it over with, wanting to clear her mind before seeing him on the screen. Stepping into the bathroom, she skimmed the instructions and took the test.
The results were supposed to appear within ten minutes, but Yeon-ju didn't emerge from the bathroom for over thirty.
When she finally stepped out, her eyes were completely hollow. On the television, the presentation for the Best Actor Award was underway. Clutching the test kit—which clearly displayed two distinct lines—Yeon-ju stared blankly at the screen.
A moment later, the winner was announced.
“Congratulations! The award goes to Im Eun-seong of Sweet Amusement Park!”
Yeon-ju’s lips parted in a silent gasp.
* * *
The world seemed to go dark. Her body trembled and grew numb, as if her abnormally racing heart was crushing every nerve in her body.
Every time she refreshed the news sites, articles about Eun-seong flooded the pages, their view counts astronomical.
The brands and productions that had already secured him were celebrating, and his past independent films began climbing back up the charts.
Staring at the screen as if reading about a world entirely separate from her own, Yeon-ju mechanically dialed Eun-seong’s number. But his, too, was now disconnected. She was struck by the stark realization that she had no way to reach him.
The automated recording felt like his silent agreement to their breakup.
“Ah…”
Several pregnancy tests lay scattered at the foot of her bed. As her first audible sob escaped, the dam holding back her overwhelming sorrow finally broke.
“Oh… what do I do…”
Tears welled in her eyes before spilling over in a torrential flood.
It was the first time she had cried since their breakup. Believing she didn't even have the right to weep, she had tensed her entire body to hold it in, but this was far too much to bear.
“Oh… what do I do? What do I do…”
She tried dialing his number one more time. Hearing the same automated message, she broke down, sobbing even harder.
On the television she had forgotten to turn off, the news broadcast began, the anchor joyfully reporting on his big win.
A strange, desperate wail—one she had never heard herself make before—escaped her throat. Her vocal cords trembled violently, her entire body seeming to realize that these tears would not stop anytime soon.
“This is truly a momentous occasion for the Korean film industry. We look forward to seeing what actor Im Eun-seong will show us next.”
The anchor’s excited voice buzzed in her ears as Yeon-ju buried her face in her knees, weeping uncontrollably.
Just as everyone had predicted, his path to glory had begun. And on the very day the world celebrated him, she wept so hard she felt she might drown in her own tears.
* * *
Plagued by a persistent tightening in her lower abdomen, Yeon-ju finally visited an OB-GYN. She was so terrified that the discomfort felt worse than any physical pain, and she simply couldn't endure it any longer.
“Hmm. The gestational sac is looking very unstable right now.”
Unbearable realities were piling up, one after another.
Yeon-ju could only blink silently, unable to utter a single word.
‘Your boyfriend finally got his big break, Yeon-ju. You can’t do this to him. You know Eun-seong. If you hold onto him, he’s the kind of guy who will throw everything away. Is that what you want?’
Tae-gon's warning echoed louder in her mind than the doctor's voice, prompting her to squeeze her eyes shut. As the ultrasound transducer pressed against her abdomen, the cold gel felt shockingly vivid.
“There are signs of a threatened miscarriage. It’s dangerous if we leave it like this.”
Her heart hammered so violently she felt she might hyperventilate. Overwhelmed by panic, she clenched her hands into tight fists.
“Are you alright? Dear, if the mother doesn’t stay strong, the baby suffers too.”
“I’m sorry. Sob… hic…”
She was completely unprepared for any of this, and her reality was spiraling out of control. Her mind went blank, leaving her in a state of utter despair, unable to even begin to imagine a future.
After the ultrasound, the doctor waited patiently as Yeon-ju wept. Though she still had a lifetime of tears left to shed, she managed to quiet down, her shoulders shaking with quiet hiccups. The doctor then spoke.
“As I explained, it’s dangerous to leave things as they are. There is a very high chance of a natural miscarriage.”
“…”
“If you want to keep the baby, I can prescribe an injection to help stabilize things.”
Drawing from years of experience, the doctor easily guessed Yeon-ju’s situation. She assumed the father was out of the picture or that this was an unplanned pregnancy.
Thus, the injection was presented as an option, not a necessity.
“Natural miscarriages are more common than you think. It’s not the mother’s fault, so you shouldn’t carry any guilt. Take your time to think about it and let me know what you decide.”
The doctor’s clinical explanation offered little comfort, and Yeon-ju choked back another sob.
Her breath hitched in terror. Her entire life hung on her next words, and she couldn't bring herself to answer easily.
She didn’t know that the pregnancy was making her emotions fluctuate far more violently than usual. Her normally calm, level-headed demeanor had vanished, leaving her to crumble under the weight of the crisis.
She knew with absolute certainty that she could never tell Eun-seong about the baby. She was forced to acknowledge the devastating reality of the choice she had made.
With every line of communication severed, he had flown to a height she could never hope to reach. The thought consumed her with terror.
I still have a choice. Maybe… maybe this is a way out.
Just as her pulse quickened at the thought, the sound of the baby’s heartbeat suddenly echoed in her ears.
Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.
When she had first heard it, she had been too busy fighting her own sorrow to feel anything.
Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.
How could she have missed how sacred and profound this tiny rhythm was?
“Do you need a little more time? Would you like to think it over?”
“No…”
Yeon-ju parted her trembling, tear-choked lips.
“Please give me… the injection…”
“The injection? Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes…”
Her tears flowed relentlessly as her shoulders shook with heavy sobs. Letting out a soft sigh, the doctor wrote the prescription.
She had thought herself a mature adult, yet here she was, weeping like a terrified child.
Yeon-ju continued to cry, her breath hitching in ragged gasps. The nurse who guided her to the recovery room quietly left her alone, giving her time to compose herself.
* * *
I’ll run away.
By the time the tears had dried tight against her skin, Yeon-ju finally sat up.
She stared down at the maternity handbook lying beside her. The blank space on the cover for the baby’s prenatal name weighed heavily on her heart, prompting her to pick up a pen.
“A prenatal name… I should give you one.”
Though there was no one to hear her, the whisper slipped out. Unable to think of a name, she hesitated, and her thoughts drifted to Eun-seong.
What would he have named their baby? What kind of name would he have suggested?
“I’ll name you Byeol.”
Byeol. A star. A child who would shine brilliantly, untouched by sorrow.
Yeon-ju wrote the name in the handbook. As she penned ‘Byeol-i’ in the blank space, a burning pain flared behind her eyes, forcing her to squeeze them shut.
She gently caressed her stomach. Once again, her voice cracked with a sorrowful whisper.
“Hello, Byeol. It’s Mom.”
It was her first greeting to her child.
The sheer weight of those words felt as though a piece of her heart had torn away and lodged in her throat. Unable to withstand the sudden surge of emotion, her face crumpled.
“…I’m sorry.”
I’m sorry. I know I should only say beautiful things to you.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… Mom is sorry… Mom is…”
The word ‘Mom’ felt so foreign and agonizing on her own lips. Yeon-ju couldn’t finish her sentence, her shoulders shaking violently.
“I’m sorry… Mom will do better. I’ll do so much better…”
Goodbye. I hope you hate me for a long time, but only hurt for a little while.
No, I’m not even worth hating for that long. I hope you shake this off quickly and rise to your most brilliant moments.
“So let’s let Dad go… Mom will love you enough for both of us. I’ll do better… I will…”
I’ve been loved enough. You can live a selfish life now.
I want you to protect your brilliant world.
And I will protect our precious child.
“Mom will… really do better. I’m sorry… to you… I’m so, so sorry…”
Goodbye. Thank you for everything.
“I won’t cry anymore… Mom will only cry today… and then never again…”
And I still love you.
“I won’t cry… I’ll stop crying now…”
On that day, he became a star to the world.
And she became the mother of hers.