Chapter 33
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 33
“So, you tell me instead.”
A wave of emotion crashed over her a moment too late.
“What am I supposed to do now?”
How was she supposed to interpret his words? That he hadn’t forgotten… but which part? She was lost, unsure which version of her past self she should summon to face him now.
Standing in a dizzying downpour of memories, she stared at him. He had asked her a question, but she couldn’t decide what to say as the seconds ticked by.
“I think you’re seriously misunderstanding something,” Yeon-ju finally said, steeling herself.
He kept his gaze fixed on her, his expression unreadable.
“Just because I don’t have a husband doesn’t mean this is an opportunity for you. I have absolutely no intention of giving you any false hope.”
“……”
“And whether you’ve forgotten or not has nothing to do with me. Because I’ve forgotten everything.”
She delivered her words with a firm, clear voice, laying out her intentions. The wild, frantic thumping of her own heart was something she could ignore. She could endure it.
“If our professional relationship gets tangled up like this, I’ll have no choice but to quit. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if I left?” she pressed, deliberately choosing words that would wound his pride. Please, just snap out of it. Please, be safe.
“You’re the lead actor in this film, so you’re irreplaceable. But I can be replaced easily. If my being here bothers you, I’ll disappear—”
“Disappear? Who said you could?”
“Then what on earth do you want from me?”
“What do I want? Who’s asking you to do anything?” His voice rose, her words having finally provoked his anger. “You’re the one who’s deeply mistaken. I never said I like the you of today. I only said I couldn’t forget the us of the past.”
“……”
“My relief at finding out you were single was for my own peace of mind, to keep my own morals intact. So what do you mean, ‘what should you do’? What’s all this nonsense about disappearing and being replaced? Do you think I’m trying to ruin your livelihood?”
“You keep bringing up my livelihood. If you actually cared, would you be doing this? How thick-skinned do you think I am? How can I possibly keep working here after hearing all this?”
…The days when we were each other’s everything.
The days she had wished he was hers shimmered, feeling just within reach.
“Listen carefully, Go Yeon-ju. The one who wants to escape this situation more than anyone is me, not you.”
I wanted to absorb your hobbies, to seep into your daily life.
A love so fierce I wanted you to swallow my life whole—that burning desire.
“Any desire to do something with the current you? I have even less than you do. As you can see, I’m in no position to get involved with anyone. If anything, my circumstances are far worse than yours.”
“……”
“You must have thought I was asking you out. Wake up. You and me, again, after all this time? Is that even remotely possible?”
Her chest ached as if an awl were being twisted into it, over and over. Tasting blood, Yeon-ju bit the inside of her cheek and swallowed hard.
“I’m not trying to start anything. It’s just… I still have regrets about my past.”
She felt her body go weightless as the ground beneath her split open, sending her into a terrifying freefall. The dizzying sensation felt like it wasn't hers alone, and she curled her fingertips into her palms.
“Don’t you forget that I’m the one who wants to end this more than anyone.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
“Just stay still! From now on, don’t do anything!”
She was falling, endlessly. A dizzying vertigo rushed up from her toes, making it hard to breathe.
“These are my regrets, so I’ll be the one to deal with them. I’ll sort them out myself, so you just… endure it.”
“……”
“I’m going to forget you properly this time. I just need some time, so please, just put up with it. Can’t you do that much for me? You owe me that much… as a basic courtesy… you, to me.”
“……”
“Ha…”
Overwhelmed by a sudden rush of heat, his words broke off. A long, hot sigh escaped through his teeth, washing over her as she fell.
How much time had passed?
He pressed a hand to his temple, his face contorted as if from a severe headache, and opened his eyes. The lingering regret in their depths was such a perfect mirror of her own that Yeon-ju finally gave up resisting.
“I don’t care about anything else. From now on, just endure whatever I do. That’s all you have to do.”
…The crash site was the center of their memories.
“You don’t have a choice. This time, I’m not giving you one.”
And he was the one standing there, having arrived first.
* * *
She didn’t know how she made it home.
It was past midnight. Both Han-byeol and her grandmother were sound asleep. Yeon-ju slipped quietly out of her bedroom and padded over to the refrigerator.
Opening the door as silently as possible, she retrieved a can of beer from the back. Then, with hushed steps, she returned to her room and closed the door behind her.
Fearing the sound of the can opening would be too loud, she pulled the tab with extreme care. With a soft pshh, carbonation hissed and a bit of foam spilled over the rim. Holding her breath, Yeon-ju took a long, deep gulp.
The cold alcohol slid down her throat, seeming to clear her dazed mind. She pulled her lips from the can only when she was out of breath, letting out a heavy sigh.
Whew…
Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she exhaled again and again. She listened intently for a moment, wondering if her light-sleeping mother had woken up, before taking another large swallow.
The stinging carbonation scraped its way down, and the can was empty in no time. She shook it with a look of regret.
“I should have bought the tall cans.”
She debated going out for another but decided against it. Her own home was supposed to be a sanctuary, yet here she was, unable to even drink a single beer in peace. She locked her door and drank with bated breath only so her family wouldn't have to carry the weight of her heavy heart. She didn’t want to cause them any worry.
“Maybe just one more…”
Normally, she would have stopped, but tonight was exceptionally hard. Yeon-ju crept back to the refrigerator.
Quickly grabbing another can, she returned to her room and carefully pulled the tab. Pshhh. Even more foam bubbled over this time, and she quickly pressed her lips to the can to catch it.
Because I couldn’t forget.
She squeezed her eyes shut.
Who was I to judge the life you’ve lived?
“Ha…”
As if there were no other choice, she bit her lip. Crouching on the floor, she slowly leaned her head against the side of her mattress.
Don’t you forget that I’m the one who wants to end this more than anyone.
It was because she, who should have faded into nothing for him, had reappeared. Because the memories that had settled like sediment at the bottom of his heart were now stirring.
He was being forced to face emotions he had buried long ago. Memories that would have never resurfaced had she not appeared were now tormenting him because of her.
Because she had appeared.
Because she had appeared.
“See? I told you I shouldn’t have been around you.”
It must have been painful for you. It must have been sad.
How lost you must have felt, discovering that the feelings you thought you’d severed were still clinging on so stubbornly.
You don’t have a choice. This time, I’m not giving you one.
“I’m going crazy, I really am…”
The can in her hand crumpled slightly. Her heart felt like it was burning to ash, yet she couldn’t even take a deep breath or let out a proper groan of frustration.
The small bedroom felt like a suffocating prison. Yeon-ju slowly pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face. Swallowing down the resentment that rose in waves, she let out a shallow, shaky breath.
In the cave-like darkness, afraid to even turn on a lamp lest the light leak from under the door, she relied on a tiny nightlight, blankly opening and closing her eyes. Trapped within the secrets she had created and concealed, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
“What should I do… What am I supposed to do…”
She couldn’t forgive herself. A dizzying fear that she might end up losing herself completely crept up from her toes. She hadn’t started any of this with malicious intent, yet the guilt of disrupting everyone’s lives settled on her shoulders like a heavy shadow.
Because I couldn’t forget.
And yet, wicked as she was, for a fleeting moment, she had felt a spark of joy. Her pulse had raced.
His words—that he hadn’t forgotten—felt like a redemption for all her lost years, making her blood sing.
“Ha… I can’t. I shouldn’t be like this…”
Her throat felt hot and tight, and she let out a low cough. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to get a grip.
Pull yourself together. Get it together.
…But the resolve was only temporary. Yeon-ju buried her face in her knees once more.
She understood his desire to finally put their unresolved past to rest. If he wasn’t hoping for a future together, but simply wanted to properly discard a past that had become useless scrap…
Then it was only right for her to help him.
Yes. That was the right thing to do. Helping him move on was what she needed to do now.
“It’s okay… It’s okay… Everything… is okay…”
I understand your need to let go properly.
So forget me. Erase me.
“It’s all okay… It’s okay… So calm down… It’s okay…”
I, who can let go of nothing, will help you.
* * *
Morning broke, impartial to all.
Eun-seong arrived early at the set for a reshoot. He had barely slept a wink, but even without yesterday’s drama, sleepless nights were common for him.
Showing no signs of fatigue, he sat down on the sofa in the waiting room. His manager, Dong-hwan, went to check on the set. Alone in the empty room, Eun-seong rolled his shoulders out of habit.
“...She’s not going to just skip work, is she?”
Only after he’d made a scene did the worry begin to set in. He hadn’t meant to pour his heart out like that yesterday, but as Go Yeon-ju’s provocations piled up, his emotions had broken free from their restraints.
He could have hidden it. He could have kept her from ever knowing.
“Just try not showing up. I’ll take her son hostage…”
As he was muttering to himself, anxious that Yeon-ju might actually quit, the waiting room door opened and she walked in.
Eun-seong’s eyes widened as if he’d seen a ghost. Yeon-ju, however, showed no sign of agitation and offered him a perfectly normal morning greeting.
“Hello, Eun-seong.”
“Ah, yeah. Good morning.”
Ah. Maybe it’s not such a good morning.
He accepted the greeting in a daze, his expression twisting. Ignoring his reaction, Yeon-ju put down her bags and immediately began organizing the wardrobe, acting no different than usual.
“Did you get any sleep?”
“I went to bed early yesterday. I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow.”
“Right. Glad you slept well.”
“Yes. Though I did have a bit of a nightmare.”
Feeling like he was the cause of that nightmare, Eun-seong swallowed hard.
Yeon-ju, who had been taking out clothes and hanging them on a rack, paused and lowered her hands. Eun-seong, who had been tracking her every move, flinched and tensed up.
“You know tomorrow is Han-byeol’s first day of filming, right?”
Ah, that startled me.
Eun-seong let out a quiet breath of relief when she brought up her son. He had braced himself for a conversation he couldn’t handle, so this felt like a small blessing.
“Is the kid preparing well?”
“He looks at the script every day. He seems to be having fun with it.”
“This is the most fun stage. Before the first shoot.”
Of course it was fun. A kid didn’t have to worry about box office numbers or the production company’s stock price.
In any case, it was clear Go Yeon-ju was acting as if yesterday had never happened. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be talking about her son with such a nonchalant expression. Was this her way of completely ignoring him?
“Even with labor standards, the filming hours are long for a child. Make sure to comfort him so he doesn’t get worn out.”
“Yes, I will.”
As Eun-seong gave his advice and crossed his legs, Yeon-ju rummaged through her pockets and approached him. She placed a few small, plastic-wrapped chocolates on the table.
“Are you stealing your son’s snacks again and making me an accomplice? This is becoming a problem.”
“These aren’t Han-byeol’s. I bought them on my way here.”
When Eun-seong looked up, Yeon-ju hesitated and brushed her hair back. Wondering what on earth she was up to, he could only blink at her.
“Thinking about it, there was something I skipped over yesterday.”
“Wh-what is it?”
“Back then… I’m really sorry for breaking up with you so suddenly.”
His lips parted slightly. As his ears flushed a deep red, Yeon-ju hurriedly added, “That was the first time I realized how impulsive and fickle I could be. I’m sorry for being so inconsiderate.”
“……”
“I’m sorry. Sincerely.”
Faced with a sudden apology for their past breakup, Eun-seong couldn’t hide his bewilderment and fidgeted with his hands. Not daring to look her in the eye, he picked up the chocolates from the table.
“You think I’ll accept your apology for five tiny chocolates?”
“Hold on.”
Yeon-ju pulled five more chocolates from her other pocket.
“I figured you’d say that, so I brought more.”
“Well, you should have led with this many from the start.”
“I’m sorry. I sincerely apologize,” she said, then pointed toward the door. “I’ll get going now. Good luck with today’s shoot.”
After laying out all ten chocolates, Yeon-ju scrambled out of the room. Eun-seong stared blankly at the five pieces in his hand and the five on the table, then leaned his head back against the sofa.
A hollow, disbelieving laugh escaped him.
“Unbelievable. How am I supposed to eat these? They’re too precious.”
It was the beginning of a reconciliation, offered by her with great difficulty.