Chapter 18
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Translator: penny
Chapter: 18
Chapter Title: Kanpe Great Tribal Chief (Elf)
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I'm twenty-three years old.
Honestly, even if it's young to claim I've lived a long life.
I've met every kind of human oddity and countless races, enough to boast about it.
"Is there a stoah neah heah?"
"Chiksho!! Why the heck is there a Nattou-chan in the convenience stoah!?"
"Allahu Akbar——!!!"
Diverse races that shattered every prejudice.
And yet, I dare say the sight before my eyes is something even a guide to countless races has never witnessed.
"Quo, Lestmir SIi?"
"Laa, Istaoo Brooo——!"
"Grr? Imsa pqoooa."
A level of grotesquery several dimensions beyond the freakishly surgically altered people I occasionally ran into on the first floor. No, actual extraterrestrials.
Instinct told me they weren't aliens.
I've tasted strangeness down to my bones, to the point where now I can discern its flavors just from an encounter—like a gourmet entering the fray.
From them, I only sensed the presence of fellow "living beings."
"This has gotta be our first time experiencing something like this for real, right?"
"Not the first. Jung-byeong was in a place like this from the start, wasn't he? Though it's pretty outrageous he never mentioned it."
"Yeah, when you put it that way."
She's already stacked three levels of dislike without even meeting him yet.
No matter how badly she wants to live, does it even make sense to drag her into an insane place like this?
Anyway.
"I mean, how do bodies made of mist even eat or shit? Even without much knowledge, I know vital activities are impossible without flesh."
"Hmm, want me to go ask?"
"No way, forget it. If anyone's asking, it's me. What good's it gonna do if you with your measly two coins do it?"
A cluster of extraterrestrials huddled in one spot.
I bypassed the ones with physical bodies and approached the group made of swirling mists, striking up a conversation.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
"OOOOOOOOO?"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
A symphony of language even I—who's fluent in three (Korean, English, Japanese)—couldn't comprehend.
Did that even count as language?
It barely felt like different intonations.
I kept communicating since there was no malice, but.
The only emotion from them was [curiosity].
'Of course, whether that's curiosity as potential food or as fellow lifeforms... still not sure.'
They were that alien in appearance.
Famous enough to be horror genre staples, like Cthulhu spawn.
Even humanoid forms had multiple limbs, and the most absurd of all was none other than.
"An elf?"
Ears dramatically longer than a human's.
A minty fragrance wafting as you approached.
Every single one exuding an ethereal elegance.
Wow, holy shit.
Real elves actually exist!?
Stunned, I unconsciously stepped slowly toward the elf.
"Approach any closer, and I'll deem you an enemy."
The only one I could actually talk to.
What the hell? Did Earth secretly have elves all along? No, if elves existed, the internet would've exploded with debates.
So the working theory: some kind of 'means' enabling communication.
I tried addressing the elf as humbly as possible, head bowed.
"……"
But why the hell was I the one groveling?
She's trapped in this hospital just like me. Hell, lacking kin might even put her at a disadvantage.
Since I'd settled on the spoiled brat persona, I aggressively rewrote the norms.
The classic fantasy dynamic between humans and elves.
Dynamics, huh.
Dynamics?
"Gaaah!!! How dare a filthy arrow-slinger talk down to a noble human like that!?"
"...I won't forgive that twice. Mind your tongue."
"I've trampled dozens of elves underfoot so far, and you talk of forgiveness...? Forgiiiiveness...!?"
The elf's ears, previously serene, flushed bright red.
Considering her reaction to the "underfoot" line, her homeland must've had its share of such incidents.
She looked one poke away from loosing the arrows strapped to her back. So I dialed back the arrogance and continued.
"Dropped alone into this hospital, looks like you're trapped here too, huh?"
"...Indeed."
"I'll bestow upon you lowly scum the honor of escorting me! Normally, elves are base creatures unfit even as my limbs, but I'll make an exception this time!"
"...Do you—no, Your Grace—have a way to escape this place?"
Holy shit, jackpot.
A massive hit.
Her flushed ears showed lingering doubt, but clearly, this elf had no clue how to escape or even how she'd arrived.
Bonus: her world had humans too. All that was left was committing to the RP.
'I'm Lee Ji-han of House Duke Sejong... I'm Lee Ji-han of Duke Sejong... Family all dead, sole head of the ducal house, Lee Ji-han...'
Even my relatively stable mind could waver under this debuff [Schizophrenia], so I repeated it to lock in the RP.
And the result.
The nightmarish RP of the spoiled heir of House Duke Sejong was born.
Armed with the haughty speech befitting a ducal heir.
I mockingly declared to the world-weary elf before me, untouched by true refinement.
"Your elves, with that arrogant nature, must've all perished acting solo despite gathering in this hellhole!"
"...I won't deny it."
"Gal———!!! Deny what!? House Duke Sejong long ago mastered every scrap of intel on dumps like this!!"
"House Duke Sejong...?"
"A name bestowed directly by the king, beyond the ken of wretched elves."
In this moment.
The spirit of Taijeong Taese Mundanse possessed my soul—I was King Sejong himself.
The RP of the GOAT of GOATs, creator of language.
Emotions surged, nearly tearing my soul asunder just imagining it!
"King...? Then nobility from the kingdom west of the Elpns Empire? No, that arrogance suggests northern nobility..."
It landed!
It freaking worked!
Doubt lingered, but unlike before, she showed willingness to believe.
A bit more push, and she'd fall completely.
A quick glance!
I shot Yu-na a knowing look—she'd overheard it all—and true to her decades of street smarts.
"Your Grace the Duke——!! Shall I present the head of this faithless elf wench right now? After we showed goodwill first, that arrogant attitude! It's a heinous crime—no, a cardinal sin!!"
"Hmm, yes! As expected of my closest confidant, impeccable judgment!"
"Thank you, Your Grace the Duke!!!"
Method acting straight out of a script.
If I'd written it, I'd be on my knees tap-dancing in awe at those lines.
And that was the signal flare.
"This place... I haven't been here long, so I'm unfamiliar, but it's vastly different from the Great Forest I hailed from."
"Hmm? Hmm, and?"
"If you aid my escape from here, in the future, in the name of 'Great Tribal Chief,' I'll grant Your Grace an honorary title."
"Honorary title?"
What the hell's that.
At best, some useless hat not worth a cup of ramen?
If this were R-18 territory, it'd be [Uhuhu, shall we start with your outer garments?]—but meat shield for escape comes first.
'Balanced build like hers should handle basic fights easy. You're hired at our firm from now on, cutie elf.'
No such thing as retirement.
A black company preaching strange tale resolution and escape only.
I approached the elf slowly and draped around her neck a pass necklace so honorable it nearly brought tears.
"Elf, you may accompany us."
"......??"
"Looking forward to our time together, Kanpe Great Tribal Chief."
Whether she'd end up locked in 'that room' upon escape was an open question.
Given the bullshit outcomes so far, no doubt about it.
Title: Kanpe Actually Existed in Reality Too?
Writer: Yubungi
(Photo of elf kneeling with an arrogant expression)
(Photo smiling contentedly from above her)
I told you.
I said it.
I conquered an elf.
You guys don't have elves like this, right?
Afterward, gallery users demanded to know just what the hell he'd pulled off this time.
Others tossed pick-up lines at the elf with her ultra-top-tier beauty.
But I just replied [ㅎㅎ] to every comment.
Savoring the hearty gukbap, I gazed toward the third floor where Jeong-byeong ham awaited.