Chapter 169: It's Fake News!
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 169: It's Fake News!
A bombshell.
It was fake news that the heavens didn't know, the earth didn't know, the Captain herself didn't know, and even I hadn't known ten seconds prior. The Captain's mind went completely blank, rendering her speechless. Her mouth gaped and her shoulders flinched as she trembled at the shocking news she knew nothing about.
I took advantage of that brief moment of her confusion to spin a plausible tale.
“Ironically, my fateful meeting with Bbey was in a brutal labor camp, the kind that shaves years off your life. Whew, I'd heard the labor sentences were harsh, but I seriously almost died a few times. Yet even in that exhausting, difficult place, she was there, calling me oppa every day. You might not get it, Nehru, but guys are suckers for being called oppa.”
“I know that well enough, darling.”
“The term 'darling' sounds a bit dated. Well, I'm sure you know that and are just saying it to get a rise out of me.”
“What?”
Ignoring Nehru, who was now glaring daggers at me, I placed a hand on the shoulder of the Captain, who had frozen stiff on my lap.
The Captain, who had been sitting perfectly straight with her fists clenched on her own knees, jumped at my touch.
“Anyway, one thing led to another and… well, here we are.”
Even I have to admit, that was a piss-poor fabrication.
My eyes met the Captain’s creaking ones. Her eyes, wide as saucers, looked as if they were about to well up with tears at any moment.
'Denial! This is the result of blackmail! How long do you intend to milk this situation?!'
Still, the Captain couldn't react swiftly to my fake news. Before she could say anything, she had to determine whether her words might contain classified information that could reveal her identity.
There is only one truth, but lies, propaganda, and fabrications are infinite. All I had to do was pick the sweetest one.
Propaganda and fabrication take but a moment, while correcting them takes an eternity.
“We ended up returning to Amitengrad together after finishing our labor sentences, and we got close real fast after an encounter with some robbers.”
Nehru scowled at the romance story that had been so tactlessly inserted into the conversation.
'What? What is this nonsense? Weren't we just about to talk about the Taboo of the Military State?'
Right. It's weird, isn't it?
As an information broker, you must realize how ridiculous this story is, Nehru.
Just play along for now. Let's embarrass the Captain until she leaves, then we can continue our talk.
'…But this is a great scoop! A scandal between a magician and an officer? I could sell this to the Secret Members!'
No, don't actually try to report on this. Weren't we just talking about the Taboo of the Military State? Is this an occupational hazard of yours?
Anyway, Secret Members? What's that? And why would this story sell?
Tch, whatever. I'll just get the Captain to leave first and then clear things up. It'll be hard to move the conversation forward with the denial-intolerant Captain still here.
“We lived in the same house, she slept in my bed, we went shopping together, and even did labor together.”
“If you even did labor together, there's no room for excuses. It must be a real relationship.”
Nehru nodded. The Captain’s eyes went wide at words she was hearing for the first time in her life.
'?! Was I in a relationship without my own knowledge...?!'
What am I supposed to do if you're confused? Anyone else can believe it, but you're the one who's supposed to know it's fake news.
Meanwhile, in the throes of her professional habits, Nehru pretended to write with her straw as she asked, “So you're in a serious relationship with the Captain... Don't tell me, is this the information you wanted to share with me?”
“Yep. Good news should be shared far and wide.”
“What nonsense. You probably just need wedding guests.”
“What's the point of guests? Just send the gift money.”
The straw dropped with a soft tok. Impressed, Nehru curled her hands like paws and brought them to her mouth.
Even though she was a catkin, she was still human, so her hands and feet were hairless, but her posture was as feline as any cat's.
“…Hoh. So you're already thinking of marriage? Well, you are living together, after all.”
'Living together?! Marriage?! I... I am not yet mentally prepared...!'
Mentally prepared for what? Stop preparing for weird things and just refute it already!
'Denial! Your statement is false testimony and, furthermore, harassment directed at me!'
That's what I expected her to shout, making her displeasure clear before storming off. So why is she just sitting there, stiff as a board? Since you're not denying it, the fake news is starting to sound real!
“…Hmm. Are you two really dating? You don't seem very familiar with each other.”
She's finally noticed something's off.
Phew, what a relief. Right. As long as you're sane, we can still undo this fake news fiasco…
'Hmph, the Captain's actually kind of cute like this. Maybe being in the military has made her awkward around the opposite sex? For the sake of a better article, I should give them a little push.'
Did you learn to push things teetering on a cliff's edge from your ancestors, you one-eighth cat? How can you be so obnoxious?
“Since you lived together, you must know how many moles are on each other's bodies, right?”
“…Moles?!”
The Captain was apparently too embarrassed to give a proper answer. I could feel a scorching heat radiating from her body as if she were a lamp.
Those bastards in the Military State... they treat people like machines, so she's actually become one. She's overheating, so she's broken down.
Ah, whatever. In any case, the Military State is to blame.
Nehru gave me a satisfied smile and winked.
'Hehe. With a little push like this, they'll be so conscious of each other's moles tonight they won't be able to stand it. What do you think? Helpful, wasn't I, Magician?'
Don't be ridiculous, you brat. Why would I be conscious of the number of moles? I already know.
I briefly recalled a memory from the past.
“No need. I already know. There are five.”
“?! Denial! No, wait, affirmation—a moral denial! How could you possibly know that information!”
Oops.
“Hmm. So you've already seen everything there is to see.”
“Im-improper! And I have four moles!”
“There's one on your back, near your shoulder. Did you count that one?”
“Then five is correct... How do you know that information!”
“Ah, that's classified.”
“Im-improper! Your conduct is not righteous!”
The Captain, twisting to confront me, forgot she was on my lap and moved too sharply. She pitched forward, and we ended up in an embrace.
It was like the scent of blanched leaves. Her beet-red face and hot body were pressed against mine. I could feel her warmth even through her stiff uniform, heating me up.
Wow, she'd be great to have around in the winter.
…Hmm. This is a little dangerous.
“Oh my. What a lovely sight. You two are so… comfortable with skinship, even in broad daylight….”
“Cease! Erase that!”
Having found her scoop, Nehru had already taken out a notepad and was scribbling down an article, seemingly ignoring the Captain's command.
“…Number… of moles… five…. A relationship… where they… trace… constellations… on each other's… bodies.”
“I have never traced nor drawn anything! Forget it! That's classified!”
“The Captain's… number… of moles… is a military… secret….”
“Denial! It is not classified, it is a secret! It is my private life! Immediately…!”
As if her brain had overheated from embarrassment, the Captain flailed her arms and nearly tumbled to the ground. I quickly grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back. Her face collided with my chest.
Now held tightly in my arms, a muffled sound escaped the Captain's lips.
“Ah, oo, ah.”
I think she's really broken. What do I do?
The only one enjoying this was Nehru. Like a seasoned paparazzo, she observed us without a shred of shame. Once the first draft of her article was complete, she tore the page from her notepad and tucked it into her thigh belt.
“Alright. The reporting is done. Thanks for your cooperation, darling.”
“This is all your fault.”
“Sorry. As an apology, these drinks are on me.”
Hey, you said you wanted to hear about the Taboo. We're not done talking.
As a union of beastkin, the Family is the organization with the strongest structure and information network. My plan was to leak them some appropriate information so I could move them as I pleased when the time came.
“Don't worry, darling. I think I know why you said all this.”
Good. So you understand.
I mean, you were clearly enjoying the Captain's reactions halfway through. Since you've figured out my true intentions, you'll probably suggest we meet again later…
'He's telling me that he has someone precious to protect now, so I should trust him and not ask any more about this matter. Hehe, so the great Magician is quite the romantic, isn't he?'
Why is your head filled with nothing but pretense and gossip? Why are you getting so excited over someone else's love life (a fabricated one, at that)? Are you in some kind of third-person voyeuristic heat?
'In any case, he's shown me his woman, so we should show some sincerity in return. Fine. I don't know what you're planning, but I'll play along with your little puppet show, Magician. Just like on the day of the mass pickpocketing festival.'
Her agreeing to do as I say without asking more questions is encouraging, but this misunderstanding is on another level…
Sigh, whatever. The process was a mess, but the result is good, so that's fine. For me, this is the best possible outcome.
As she started to get up, Nehru suddenly asked, “…Ah, darling. I shouldn't reveal the Captain's affiliation or identity, right?”
The Captain's body trembled. Already pressed against me, she burrowed even deeper into my embrace at those words, as if trying to hide her identity.
The answer was already decided, so I quickly shook my head.
“Don't do a background check, either. You have more than enough for a story with just this, don't you?”
“And what if we were to poke around just a little?”
Look at her, prodding me to the very end. I answered with a refreshing smile.
“One of the two of you will have to die.”
It was the plain truth. By protocol, the moment she learned the Captain was a Signaller, either the Captain or Nehru would have to die.
At that, Nehru swallowed dryly and nodded.
“Don't worry, darling. I'll be sure to keep the Captain's identity a secret.”
'I really shouldn't touch this. If the Magician is this assertive, messing with it won't end well for me…'
Huh? No, not me. The two of you. You and the Captain.
I said one of the two of you would die. Why are you putting me on that life-or-death seesaw?
'Wait. Then that means we were probing the Magician about his girl... Hmm, I should tell the Family not to accept anything from the Magician for a while. There's no telling what he'll do if he snaps.'
You get it now?
Speaking of which. As Nehru took out her wallet, I added one more thing.
“…You're not going to use my real name, are you?”
“Of course not. A great story like this has to be used sparingly… Any preferences?”
“Write that I'm 'the brilliant Huey, who consecutively ranked first in the entire secondary school.'”
“Got it. Okay, thanks, darling.”
Nehru walked away, her tail swishing back and forth. Perhaps encouraged by the fact that I, too, had a weakness, her steps were impossibly light.
It was a complete misunderstanding, but there was no need to correct it. Causing the other party to misunderstand is a good form of buildup, after all.
Anyway.
“…”
What should I do with the Captain, who was still clinging to my collar, holding her breath? I'd managed to embarrass her, but it seems I sent her mind off to some strange place instead of back home.
…Let's just go home for now.