11-For You Only, Thousands and Thousands of Times
11-For You Only, Thousands and Thousands of Times
It was Mae-hwa.
The moment the torch licked her face, my insides turned before my mind did. Before I could recall the name, my body knew first.
Her red hair fluttered in the dawn wind, and a white eyepatch covered one eye.
Mae-hwa— and then she smiled. As if she had finally met the one she'd been waiting for so long, so naturally.
That naturalness was
"Finally."
So revolting.
A voice I'd heard for five years. Smooth, low, always laced with calculation, but now it was different. Emotion was seeping through the shell, as if something suppressed was bursting.
"Fi, finally found you. Victor."
My back turned cold.
In the records of my previous life, Mae-hwa had never been in Beren City, so tonight's operation was supposed to be a success... but now Mae-hwa was here. At this dawn, in this alley, leading the Holy Knight Order herself.
'There's something I missed in this life.'
A sensation of something shaking beneath my feet. A feeling of my calculations completely going off.
"...Yeah."
I responded briefly. Without letting emotion show.
Mae-hwa stepped forward.
"I waited so long." One corner of her mouth lifted.
"Is that all the greeting I get? I, I really waited so long. Until you appeared in this life."
'In this life,' you said...
At that moment, a foreboding feeling struck.
"Since when."
"What."
"The return."
If this return... isn't the first one.
Mae-hwa tilted her head slightly.
"From the very beginning."
"...What."
"Would it be accurate to say from the moment this world was born?"
Mae-hwa shrugged her shoulders.
"Well, well, it's a story that's hard for you to understand no matter how I put it."
It didn't make sense. No, it did make sense. And that was the problem.
I knew this wasn't my first life. Because I woke up with memories of my previous life, I thought that was all. Two lives: the last one and this one.
But what Mae-hwa was saying... meant that the return wasn't just once.
No, hundreds.
Thousands.
Perhaps tens of thousands of times.
"How many times have you lived so far?"
"I've seen you tens of thousands of times." Mae-hwa slowly walked over. The sound of the Holy Knight Order moving behind her could be heard.
"This face, this lovely voice mixed with hatred, these eyes. I've seen them until I was sick of them. And—" her voice lowered.
"This world, the mansion, the people inside. All of it was made for you."
Something crawled up my spine. Not fear— primal rage.
The memories of that hand stroking my hair for five years, the memories of that voice calling my name, all began to be reread with a different meaning. The layout of the mansion. The placement of the people. The gazes directed at me. It was all designed, and I lived in it hundreds of times... is that what she's saying?
"Come back, Victor."
Mae-hwa held out her hand.
"I, I'll treat you kindly. Like before. I won't ask anything. Just stay by my side."
Like before.
That word caught in my throat. It meant there had been a 'before,' that somewhere among the hundreds of times I had taken that hand, and that I had returned to where that hand led.
"Disgusting."
Mae-hwa's eyes trembled slightly.
"Wh, what!"
"Everything."
I tried not to show any emotion until the end. Because I'd seen for five years that if you show emotion, this person plays with it. It wouldn't be different now.
"Don't hold out your hand."
"..."
"Because it's filthy."
Eudeudeuk.
The sound of teeth gnashing was heard, and the extended hand slowly lowered.
"...Victor."
"You said it's repeated hundreds of times."
"...Yeah."
"That means in those hundreds of times, you never once got what you wanted properly."
I looked straight at Mae-hwa. I didn't avoid her eyes.
"Or else you wouldn't have a reason to be here."
Mae-hwa stopped.
"...So?"
"So you came again the same way? Same mansion, same people... just to tame me?"
My mouth tasted bitter.
"Even after hundreds of times, you still don't get it? That method doesn't work."
"It, it did work." Mae-hwa's voice lowered. "You, you ruin it every time at the end."
"I ruin it."
"Yes. I'd wait until it was complete. But just when it reached that point, you always—"
"No."
I cut her off.
"I escaped. Every time. From your comfortable hell."
Mae-hwa's expression stiffened for the first time. An expression with no trace of laughter. Is this your real face? I'd never seen this face once in five years; it was always calm, always gentle, always warm when calling my name. Now I know that warmth was all fake.
Even knowing that, I had lived in it. Not just this life, but for hundreds of times. In this disgusting embrace. That nauseated me the most right now. At myself.
"I'll say it one more time."
Mae-hwa raised her hand toward the Holy Knight Order. As if to give an order.
"..."
But then she stopped herself and lowered her hand.
"No, before that... I'll say it myself."
The Holy Knight Order stiffened. I did too.
"Co, come back." Mae-hwa said, looking at me. "There are things you don't know. How this world works, why you're in this spot. N, not me. Only I can tell you."
But my answer was the same.
"No."
Mae-hwa stopped.
"...Without even hearing the reason?"
"Nothing would change even if I heard it."
"Why... why, why!??."
"I won't live inside what you've made. In this life."
'In this life.'
The moment I said those words out loud, I felt something change. A feeling that what I'd vaguely harbored was taking shape. It wasn't a bad feeling.
I thought this was my second life. When I woke with memories of my previous life, I thought that was all. I'd only thought of it as one failure and one chance.
But hundreds of times. In those hundreds of times, I must have given up somewhere each time, escaping, fighting, enduring, and ultimately taking that hand.
'I don't know why it's different this time. But it is different.'
"If it's to escape your disgusting embrace, I'll do anything."
The first words I didn't hold back. Something that had been simmering deep in my throat for a long time just... just came out.
"I'd rather die in the street than live in the mansion you made. I'd rather sleep alone in a warehouse than smile among the people you planted. In a place your hand can reach—"
"Shut up."
Mae-hwa's voice changed. Sharp, with all gentleness stripped away. Something was boiling in her eyes. Whether it was anger or something else. I couldn't name it.
"For hu, hundreds of times." Her voice trembled slightly. "In hundreds of times, you never once said that."
"You always gave up. You endured then gave up. You fought then gave up. But..." her voice slightly cracked. "Why, why now."
"I don't know."
It was true. Because I didn't have the memories of those hundreds of times. I supposedly lived those hundreds of times, but now I only remembered one previous life, and the rest only existed through Mae-hwa's words. So it was all the more strange. The me of hundreds of times that I couldn't remember gave up, so why is the me now different?
"I don't know." I continued. "But one thing is certain."
Mae-hwa looked at me.
"I won't live inside what you've made. In this life."
Once again. I spat out the same words as if making a vow.
Eudeudeuk.
This time it was louder, and Mae-hwa clenched her small hand into a fist, and the trembling of that fist became more noticeable.
"Catch him."
Mae-hwa ordered the Holy Knight Order in a low and calm voice.
"Aīßianÿ!!!"
The fanatics behind me approached.
========
There were twenty of them. Twenty-one including Mae-hwa.
Three rushed in first, and the one in the lead aimed for my left shoulder.
"Keuk!"
Slipping to the right, I grabbed his wrist and twisted inward, causing the soldier to topple forward, and I stepped on his back and retreated. The second came in low, and shifting my weight to my left foot, I pushed his shoulder with my right foot, redirecting him slightly, barely able to dodge.
"...Not bad, kid."
"...Gasp... You, not so much."
The third came straight on, and there was no room to dodge, so I just took it.
"Keoeok!"
"G, gently! He, he mustn't die!"
At impact, I twisted my arm to deflect the force sideways, but the shock still hit my shoulder.
"...Damn."
Thanks to the protective gear Leard gave me, I barely endured.
Then a large gap opened between them.
'...Now's the time.'
I took out the orb I borrowed from Cael and threw it into the center of their formation.
Puk.
Magic smoke burst and thick gray filled the alley. Their formation wavered and they began to tangle with each other. Without missing a beat, I quickly slipped through the gap.
"Cheap trick."
Mae-hwa said from beyond the smoke. In a voice without emotion.
"I know."
As the smoke cleared, the Holy Knight Order quickly reformed their ranks. Trained speed... And this time, someone who looked like a squad leader stepped forward alone. His eyes were different. At a glance, you could tell... a skilled one.
"So you're the commander's plaything. You play amusingly."
Derisive words. An attitude of disregard for me. But it must be because he has the skill to back it up.
The ones I'd fought earlier also began to stagger to their feet. From the start, they've been going easy on me.
"...Ha, handle him carefully."
...Because that witch cherishes me.
I looked back. Was that the direction the alley bends? Not yet. Just a little more.
The squad leader lunged. His sword aimed for my left shoulder. I barely dodged, but the tip grazed me, tearing my coat and bringing a thread-like pain.
"Hng... Damn it."
The second strike came to the right, so I raised my arm to block, and it went numb.
Thud.
My knee buckled, and I planted one knee on the ground. The squad leader looked at me on my knees and approached slowly.
"...I won't kill you."
Just as he raised his sword.
"Eat shit."
"...!"
I threw the last orb at his feet.
Puk.
A high-frequency sound erupted, piercing ears. The heavier the armor, the faster they crumbled. The squad leader stumbled, and in that gap, I got up. My knee wasn't good, but there was no time to stop. So I just ran with all my strength.
======
It was a frost-covered hilly land.
Running across the grass, I heard footsteps behind me. It wasn't the Holy Knight Order. Mae-hwa. It was the sound of Mae-hwa's footsteps. Even though they were clearly ordinary steps, the distance closed in an instant.
"C, come here!"
A rough hand touched me, and I felt the back hem of my coat being grabbed. Immediately turning, I grabbed her wrist and pulled, causing Mae-hwa to lurch forward, then I slipped sideways and let go.
"...Kheut"
Mae-hwa planted her hands on the grass to land but didn't collapse.
"You're trained."
"Huff... huff... Thanks to you."
Mae-hwa looked at me. With her real face, devoid of laughter.
"You've used up all your tricks, and you have no orbs." She took a step forward. "Your knee looks bad. Your arm too. But... why are you still standing?"
"To not get caught by you."
Mae-hwa's eyes narrowed.
"Is that all?"
As if.
But I deliberately let a lie out of my mouth.
"That's all."
"...Lies."
"What is."
"For hu, hundreds of times, you had a reason. A reason to run. There was someone, or you were trying to protect something." Mae-hwa slowly walked across the grass. "What is it now?"
"I already told you."
"Say it again."
"Because you're disgusting."
Mae-hwa stopped.
"More than wanting to escape me... the fact that I'm disgusting comes first?" Her voice was oddly low, and the places her words broke were different.
"Yeah."
A brief silence without words. A wind passed. The frosted grass swayed. Mae-hwa was staring at me fixedly.
"For hu, hundreds of times, you feared me. So you always ran from me, and knowing that... I kept chasing." She took a step forward. "But why is there no fear now?"
"Fear and this feeling are different." I didn't avoid her eyes. "Fear means the other is stronger than me. Right now... it's just disgust. Regardless of being strong or weak."
"I just hate you."
"...Victor."
"Why."
"You... saying something like that to me..." For the first time, her voice completely crumbled. "This life is the first time."
"Good."
"Good."
"If you haven't heard it in hundreds of times, this one will be clearer."
"...!"
In an instant, Mae-hwa's expression twisted. Without even time to react. It was different from before. It wasn't the posture of giving orders; it was a fighting stance. From that posture alone, I could tell. She was on a completely different level.
I raised my arm to block, but the impact ran up my arm bones and echoed to my shoulder. My knee buckled and I planted both hands on the grass. Mae-hwa looked down from above.
"...In this life too."
Her voice was strange. Anger. Sorrow. Obsession. And an unnamed emotion.
"In the end, it turns out like this."
"...It's not over yet."
Mae-hwa looked at me for a moment. Then she laughed. A laugh mixed with something more complex than the first.
"I've seen it hundreds of times." She said with that laugh. "What happens to you in this spot."
"You always gave up here. In this spot. Like this, hands on the ground, knees buckled, knowing you couldn't go on." Mae-hwa crouched down. To my eye level. "Th, then you took my hand. You did."
And she smiled chillingly. At me.
My throat burned. Mae-hwa's one eye was looking at me, and that within that eye lay hundreds of times, I truly realized for the first time at this moment. That this person had been watching me with that face for hundreds of times. And the me of those hundreds of times, with no memory, had taken this hand each time.
"Take it."
Mae-hwa held out her hand. Again.
"Just take it. That's all. It, it's not hard. Victor."
The way she called my name was exactly the same as in my previous life. At the mansion, every morning she'd call my name that way, and each time it was strangely comforting. I didn't know that comfort was designed.
"For hundreds of times."
I looked at the hand. Without taking it.
"You said I took this hand for hundreds of times."
"...Yeah."
"How did I end up in those hundreds of lives?"
Mae-hwa didn't answer.
"Was I happy? In those hundreds of times?"
"I, I tried to make you happy—"
"I asked if I was happy."
Silence. And that silence was the answer.
"I thought so." I pushed up on the grass and stood. My knee hurt, but I stood anyway. "You can't make me happy."
"Victor—"
"Move your hand."
Mae-hwa stiffened.
"Your very existence is my misfortune."
"If I took it for hundreds of times, that's enough. I'm not taking it this time."
"...Why."
"I already said."
"Say it again."
"Saying... say it again...!"
I took a breath.
"This time, I came back too."
"I don't know what you did."
"So I won't give up."
Mae-hwa's eyes narrowed.
"Even if I die?"
"Even if I die."
"...Even if I die right now?"
"Rather than dying right now." I didn't avoid her eyes. "Living while holding your hand is worse."
======
I endured.
I kept enduring. I don't know how long I endured. Just a feeling of numbness setting in. My knee buckled twice more then I stood, and a moment came when my arm wouldn't lift, and I tasted blood in my mouth. But still, I was standing. I didn't take that hand.
Mae-hwa came closer, and the Holy Knight Order stepped back. She meant to do it herself.
"That's enough now."
"Stop."
"No."
"Why."
"Because I haven't fallen yet."
"I said in my previous life. If there's a next time. I'd break everything of yours."
Mae-hwa looked at me for a moment. And then she lunged again.
Thud.
My back hit the grass. The sky. The dawn sky, cold before sunrise. Mae-hwa looked down at me. As if I were pitiful and pathetic.
"It's over."
"Now it's really over. Victor."
Those eyes as if she would finally get what she wanted.
"You said hundreds of times."
I said while catching my breath.
"Yeah."
"You said I ended up taking this hand after hundreds of times."
"...Yeah."
"But."
Mae-hwa looked at me.
"I don't remember those hundreds of times."
"I only remember one previous life. That's all. The rest of those hundreds of times don't exist for me."
Mae-hwa said nothing.
"It was me who gave up in those hundreds of times, and I lived this life without knowing that. But now I know. So."
Mae-hwa's eyes wavered.
"I won't take it this time."
"I, it's already over. Now..."
"Even if it's over, I won't take it."
"...Why."
"Someone who gave up hundreds of times can afford to not give up at least once."
It was a word that came not from my head, but from my heart.
Mae-hwa lowered her hand, grabbed me by the collar, and pulled me up so our eyes met. At this distance.
"...I, I don't understand."
"You gave up hundreds of times in this spot. But what's different now? What changed?"
"You wouldn't understand."
Silence.
"So." I continued. "In this life, the next life, and the one after that."
I could see Mae-hwa's eyes trembling.
"I won't take this hand. Whether you remember hundreds of times or not."
The hand holding my collar tightened, and the trembling gaze felt like it hardened solid.
"I, I see."
"Th, then we can just start over from the beginning in this life."
My wrist was grabbed. The Holy Knight Order seized my arms from both sides. There was no room to dodge. I tried to plant my feet, but my knee wouldn't hold... I was already at my limit.
'Is this where it ends?'
I resisted. I put strength into my arms and dug my heels into the ground, but it was useless. The Holy Knight Order began to fully pin my arms, twisting them down.
"Victor."
'Ah, it's the end.'
And right at that moment.
—Jjeojeok
The air split. There was no sound or light, but it just opened like space tearing apart. A hand came out from inside. A hand that snatched the collar of my coat.
"—Grab it."
It was Harlan.
His voice was urgent and his breath ragged. You could tell how much he'd pushed himself to catch these coordinates from how that hand trembled madly. In that instant when the Holy Knight Order's hands loosened in surprise, I didn't miss it, rolling my foot and twisting my body to grab Harlan's hand.
As soon as I took his hand and went into the hideout, the rift began to close. I saw Mae-hwa's face one last time. Mae-hwa was just stiff, looking at me without any emotion.
...
I should at least say goodbye.
"Mae-hwa!"
"!"
I shouted at Mae-hwa,
"This time will be different."
Smiling brightly, something I'd never shown her.
"...!!!"
—Kuung
And the rift closed completely.
======
It was the hideout. A cold, dark place, not grass but a stone floor. My knee buckled and I dropped onto it, and Harlan collapsed down beside me.
"...You came."
Harlan said, catching his breath.
"I came."
I couldn't say anything. My knee hurt, my arm ached, and I still tasted blood in my mouth. I looked at the ceiling. A dark, unwavering ceiling. Mae-hwa's face lingered behind my eyes for a moment. That stiff face, looking at me.
======
The grass field. Hilly land.
The Holy Knight Order was stiff, and no one spoke. Mae-hwa stood there, staring at the spot where the rift had closed. At the void of nothing. At the spot where Victor had been. Just staring quietly.
The squad leader cautiously opened his mouth.
"Commander-nim."
There was no answer.
"Commander-nim, a tracking spell—"
"Shut up."
The squad leader shut his mouth.
Mae-hwa was still looking at that spot. It had been hundreds of times. Hundreds of times she had taken Victor from this spot. At the spot where his knees buckled, his arms twisted, and he could no longer endure. It was always like that, and that was the answer.
But this time... there was nothing. In the spot where Victor should have been.
Her hand slowly clenched, and that hand trembled.
"He... never once showed that."
Mae-hwa turned around. The Holy Knight Order all tensed at once.
"Find Leard's group."
"Anfrey."
"They're in this city. He, he's not someone who can use that magic alone. Someone helped, or he used something. Search everything."
"...Understood."
"And."
Mae-hwa stopped. Frost had settled on the grass, and there was only the imprint of grass pressed down where Victor had fallen. Only that remained.
"Th, there won't be a next time."
"This is the last chance."
No one answered. Or rather, couldn't answer.
Her red hair fluttered in the dawn wind, but this time there was no smile. That something that had remained until just before, that feeling as if she had finally faced what she'd been waiting for so long, had completely vanished. What remained in that spot was just one thing.
Cold and flat.
Something she'd never once brought out in hundreds of times.
But always existed.
Obsession.