Chapter 203
Translator: uly
Chapter: 203
Chapter Title: § The Fall of Structural Hope
[Part 2 Chapter 66]
ver.p.saebyeok(tp)
“Dawn... aren’t you going to take the college entrance exam?”
Ah, right—today was the exam day.
I’d been so caught up in everything lately that I hadn’t even noticed time flying by.
The warmth of the blankets felt so good that I rubbed my face against the pillow, not wanting to get up.
“Dawn, come on, let’s go take the exam.”
My roommate grabbed my arm and tugged, but my legs just wouldn’t move.
When she showed she was dead set on dragging me there even if she had to carry me, I wrapped myself in the blanket and squeezed into the gap between the bed and the wall.
“No way, I’m sleepy.”
“You still have to go. You studied so hard.”
The world was falling apart, and somehow the exam didn’t feel all that important in my life right now. No motivation at all. I racked my brain for an excuse and opened my mouth.
“I’m gonna retake it next year.”
It was early morning, and sleepiness was crashing over me. I’d been running gates late into the night, so my body was exhausted.
My roommate struggled to pull me out from the gap, but the strength difference made it impossible.
The other kids from school called dozens of times, trying to wake me up, but they all eventually gave up and headed off to their exams.
Once it got quiet, I drifted back to sleep.
The wound on my side, healing thanks to the meds, stung a bit, but I fell asleep soon enough and didn’t feel the pain.
“Dawn!!! Exam’s over—let’s hang out!!! I brought the others!!!”
In my half-asleep daze, I thought I heard a voice like my roommate’s. But it was just a dream, so I waved my hand groggily.
“You guys go ahead without me... Retakers sleep...”
Exhaustion outweighed any desire to have fun.
* * *
It felt like it had been forever since I last went to school.
After the Hysis Gate blew open, I’d just been hopping from gate to gate. I missed the prep for the college entrance exam in the meantime, so the kids teased me mercilessly about being a retaker when I graduated.
Besides that, there were all sorts of minor incidents like monster intrusions at school, but they weren’t memorable enough to stick.
I’d spent the time agonizing over awakening, and before I knew it, I was an adult.
Still, I did show up for graduation.
The other Abyss kids said they’d be there too, so even if I tried to skip, I knew I’d get dragged along anyway. Might as well go willingly.
There were plenty of kids in Abyss stronger than me—that was the tragedy of it.
“Dawnie~ Congrats on graduating!”
“Don’t be too bummed about not getting into college...”
I didn’t remember exactly what I’d said, but I’d thrown in a few words about how disappointing it was.
I gave a half-hearted welcome to the friends who’d come to celebrate, then said goodbye to my high school classmates.
“Dawn, you’re really gonna retake it?”
Ji-yoon Woo, who’d shown up for graduation, frowned as she asked.
“Yeah, what choice do I have?”
“No, but why’d you skip the exam?”
“Deep sleep.”
Se-rim Moon, who’d been listening in, burst out laughing.
“Man, you’re something else. How do you sleep in that late on exam day? Oh, what’s this?”
Se-rim, who’d always been insecure about her smarts, smugly dug into her pocket and pulled out her coated score report.
It was a pretty good score.
“Well, it was kinda easy. I even beat Kyung-seop a bit in math.”
“You trying to rub it in?”
“Huh? Oh, no, that’s not it. I mean, if I did this well, you could totally crush it next time...”
Se-rim’s flustered look was hilarious, and I cracked up.
Saying I’d retake was just an excuse to let people think I had some goal in life, so I could put up with a bit of her greenhorn bragging about grades.
I’d been keeping the gate-running from the Abyss crew as much as possible.
Felt like they’d give me grief about it, and explaining my reasons sounded like too much hassle.
They were all busy with their own gates anyway, so when I said I was retaking, they didn’t pry. Maybe for the best.
“Dawn, can you take a selfie with me?”
“L-Let’s, l-let’s take a pic, Dawn!!”
“Sis, I r-really, really liked you... Sniff, congrats on graduating. Just one photo, please...”
“Dawn sis, you’re so pretty!!”
On the last day, suddenly everyone wanted photos with me.
I could understand from the kids I knew, but even strangers were coming up asking for selfies.
I wanted to hit a gate, but since it was the last day, I made some time to hang out.
“Can I take your textbook??”
“You need my uniform jacket by any chance??”
“Can I have your name tag, sis??”
The last day brought out all the opportunists.
Pencil cases, uniforms, gym clothes, bags, notebooks, notepads—you name it. Once I said yes to one, they acted like it was all theirs.
I didn’t need any of it anymore, so I didn’t mind, but it felt like watching a flea market, which was kinda funny.
“You crazies... Why not just take it all?”
“Really???”
I shouldn’t have said that.
They swarmed like starving locusts and stripped me clean.
* * *
After graduation, I had even more time, and psychologically, it felt freer. Nice. I was on my way back from running an easy gate, same as always.
My shirt was splattered with monster blood and human blood, stained all over.
The fishy stench was hitting my nose hard, so I wanted to wash up quick.
My hands must’ve been bloody—I grabbed the metal doorknob, and it smeared red.
I wiped it off roughly with my shirt and stepped inside.
“Eek, you scared me!!!”
My roommate, who’d been watching TV, flinched and huddled her shoulders when she saw me.
She scrambled for a wet towel and wiped my face and arms.
I hadn’t seen a mirror, but I must’ve looked pretty grimy. I wiped my nosebleed, tossed my clothes into the laundry, and changed into something comfy.
“Let’s eat dinner.”
She was the type to nag about at least eating dinner together, so I pulled out my phone and opened the delivery app.
“Dinner can wait... Treatment first, treatment...”
“Just some big splatters of blood. Wound’s not bad.”
Big ones aside, I left the small scratches to heal on their own.
To get recovery serums, I’d have to go to the association, but then everyone would hint around asking if I was running gates, which made me hesitate.
I let out a quiet sigh and ordered two chickens—her favorite flavors.
“Hey, got two chickens coming.”
I showed her the order on my phone.
I kinda liked watching her get all excited while waiting for delivery. She’d looked a bit down, so I went with two.
“D-Dawn... We’ve been having chicken for dinner every night this month... It’s just...”
I’d expected her to light up, but she didn’t seem thrilled. She glanced at my face, then forced a bright smile.
“Chicken! Chicken’s great! Yeah! Wow! Best! Thanks for ordering! Next time, I’ll—I’ll order first for sure! I got caught up watching TV, haha.”
“...”
Her forced hype was weird, but since she was pumped, I got a little hyped too.
When I smiled, her face crumpled a bit, and suddenly she hugged me tight.
“W-What.”
Caught off guard, I pulled back a little.
She had some attachment issues and used to cling a bit, but she’d seemed over it lately. People suddenly glomming on still threw me.
“Dawn, should I postpone college by a year?”
“What’re you talking about?”
I pushed her back gently and asked.
“You’re starting college soon. So I’d have to move nearby... Argh, I don’t know. You’re getting worn down.”
My head had been running gate sims, so I hadn’t been focused.
Ji-yoon popped into my mind at her words, stirring up another anxiety, so I blinked to snap out of it and try to understand.
Basically, my roommate, So-jin Kim, had college coming up and needed to move.
But why was I the one getting worn down?
“...Fuck.”
A clear rejection surged up, twisting my face. Did she think I was that unreliable too?
The lukewarm anger felt like it might splash onto her, so I clenched my teeth and held my tongue.
It was too much my own problem to get mad about—embarrassing.
“Y-You’re not mad, right?”
“...No.”
Food arrived, so I set it in front of her and played a simple phone game to clear my head.
Then it hit me—I should probably move soon. I started browsing nearby rentals.
* * *
Adult life begins: first solo apartment adventure!
I vaguely told my roommate I was moving in with some Abyss kids, then relocated.
I worried it’d be lonely living alone, but I’d matured a bit, and it actually felt relaxing.
After Hysis Gate, she’d questioned everything I did, hitting me with tough questions I couldn’t answer. It’d been exhausting.
I shoved the trash rolling around the floor into a corner and lay down. Pulled a nearby blanket over me and closed my eyes.
The room wasn’t ventilating well—musty smell. I grabbed the diffuser I’d bought, chucked the PET bottle on the floor to spill it.
For the alcohol-smelling bottles, I spritzed some favorite perfume to mask it.
Squirming under the covers, I pulled out my phone on habit and opened the gate app.
Aside from obsessing over awakening, that’s all I did—stare at the gate app all day.
I long-pressed the top address bar to search something, and auto-suggest popped up right away.
ㄴForum [Awakening Stories]
ㄴ5 Tips to Become an Awakener
ㄴHunter News
I clicked into a site I visited mindlessly all the time.
Reading miracle awakening stories was weirdly addictive—I’d lose track of time.
Refreshing to see who awakened how today, I remembered my gate run had been fruitless.
The pessimism got buried under someone else’s success story, thankfully.
I slathered ointment over the lingering wounds the drugs couldn’t fully heal and scrolled through the flashy tales on the screen.
‘Must be nice for those with easy lives, fuck.’
My stomach twinged.
Why couldn’t I even awaken when it seemed so simple? Why was everyone around me risking their lives for this job...?
The thoughts dug deeper into negativity, twisting my gut like I wanted to die. So I tried reframing.
‘I chose to stay with the Abyss Project. I chose to skip the exam.’
Remembering it was all my decisions helped me claw out of self-pity, barely.
“Tch, guess I’ll just grind gates harder.”
After grumbling my woes, I scrolled through the awakening tips I’d practically memorized.
I knew it all already, but reading for anxiety relief.
These methodical reads sparked a shallow hope, lifting my mood.
Then self-loathing bubbled up, but before it grew, I maintained the edges of the weapons I’d used earlier.
Gurgle.
My stomach growled, but I wasn’t hungry.
If I didn’t pay attention, I’d skip meals, so I grabbed one of So-jin’s emergency rations, added water, shook it, and shoveled it in.
No food in me meant no energy—trouble.
‘Tomorrow, force myself to buy something healthy outside.’
But I’d thought the same yesterday, ended up on rations today—probably water and rations tomorrow too.
I tossed the empty ration pack aside and opened the balcony door, breathing in the cool night air.
Fresh breezes used to cheer me up, but obsessed with gates and awakening, my mood wouldn’t shift.
Still, I figured a good run tomorrow would fix it.