I Retired, and Then I Grew a Dick
A street with few people about, yet one that didn't look particularly unsafe. Walk it a little ways and a café appears, coffee fragrance drifting gently on the air.
Its name: Cafe Blackout. Whether the owner's craft matched the naming sense or not, the coffee scent wafting out was wonderfully rich.
Not that anyone seemed to notice—there were no customers. A shame. Those were beans I'd hand-selected, one by one.
I idled about and switched on the radio, and a familiar announcer started going on about a familiar topic.
"Our lieutenant's doing well for herself."
Ah—not my lieutenant anymore.
Feeling a pointless awkwardness, I turned the radio down. Not because I didn't want to hear it—a customer would be arriving soon.
No customers, and yet I'm talking about a customer? Well, a customer doesn't always mean a paying one. With this particular visitor, I was the one doing the paying.
"Hmm…"
Still… the scrap of news I'd caught left me with a strangely fresh wave of feeling.
Six months already.
Put another way, it had been three years and six months since I'd woken up in this game world in a body that wasn't mine.
A lot had happened in that time.
Waking up as a woman when I'd been a man was bad enough—then suddenly I was supposed to command a military unit…
It really had felt like becoming the protagonist of a game.
Isn't that how games always start? The hero's lost their memory, and everyone around them still believes in them anyway, hands over command, that sort of opening.
Watching it, I'd thought, Sure, that works. Living it was… a lot more disorienting.
What would I have done if this hadn't been a game I already knew?
Or maybe that was exactly why I'd opened my eyes inside it. Honestly, I still didn't know. I'd never been given a reason for waking up here.
"Hm."
Well, none of that mattered anymore. I'd figured finishing the story would send me home. It hadn't.
So now I just wanted to live an ordinary life here. I didn't particularly want to go back, either. No family left behind, and friends… well, I wasn't sure anyone had even noticed I was gone.
What I wanted was a peaceful life going forward, and for the squad members free of me to reclaim lives of their own.
Someone might ask—and someone actually had—whether I really needed to retire like I was running away.
But I'd had a clear reason. A reason I had to retire that way.
Because I'd fed my squad members a mountain of affection-boosting items.
I recognized this place as reality now, but that was also why I'd first thought it was a game.
At the start I'd been half-skeptical myself. Then I gave them the items, and the kids really did seem to fight better. Rising affection lined up perfectly with rising stats.
So once everything was finished, I chose to retire like a man on the run.
After confirming the final operation was running exactly as planned, I slipped out quietly and made a nest for myself here.
I thought that was the only way the squad could live their own lives. I'd had a reasonable conversation with the higher-ups. They'd actually been pleased.
Anyway.
If the person you'd stuffed full of affection items stayed nearby, they'd only ever look at you, right? It wasn't that I hated that—I still thought disappearing was the right thing to do.
A relationship built on items like that was never going to work properly. I'd tried in my own way, but knowing I'd bought their affection left me feeling pretty hollow.
I didn't have a choice back then.
I'd believed clearing the game was the only way home, so I hadn't been picky about methods. Looking back, it was all pointless now.
I just hoped the squad members marinated in those affection items would open their eyes and take their lives back. That was what I meant to do from here on. I'd invested the salary I'd earned—the amounts that rose and fell with the story's flow—and made a tidy sum.
That was also why I wasn't clinging to going home. Early on, no fortune would have been enough to keep me here—but all the dangerous parts were over.
When that hole opened in my gut, I'd genuinely thought I was done for.
Anyway, from now on I could just run the little café I'd always wanted… and enjoy a free-and-easy retirement. Another fifty years, maybe? Perhaps longer.
"…Honestly, it's a bit empty."
I'd thought retirement would be pure bliss, but the good part only lasted about a month of loafing. It wasn't that I wanted to work myself to death—just that it felt… aimless.
I was starting to understand why retired old folks went looking for little odd jobs. I wasn't that age, so how had I ended up like this?
Sitting alone with no customers, I sometimes missed the days of sharing hardship with the squad. Back then I'd been so busy I barely had time to breathe—busy enough that I'd had to roughly paper over the fact that my body had become a woman's.
Funny, really. I'd abandoned them at the end, and now I was the one feeling nostalgic.
That was probably rude to them, too.
I sighed and ground some beans—and then, with a little jingle, the door opened and a familiar silhouette appeared.
A so-called beastkin beauty with cat ears rising from her head. They seemed to call them something else around here, but who cared. Neko-mimi beauty was easier to say.
She was a merchant I'd been indebted to since the days people still called me Commander.
Her name was Luna.
In the game, she'd been one of the few who never took affection-boosting items, so she was one of the connections I'd managed to keep. She'd also helped me out in various ways when I retired.
She came over with a sly smile, waving her hand in a lazy flutter. Face that said she wanted to mess with me.
"Yo, Commander. Wait—Boss. How've you been, nya?"
"It's been half a year and you still mix it up? Is your brain animal too?"
"That's harsh, danya! I finally got the thing you asked for, so I'm charging extra, nya!"
"Between us? Come on. I meant it as a compliment—you're cute."
"Unbelievable, danya…"
"I'll brew you coffee. Give me a discount."
"If you're about to start that civet-coffee nonsense again, I'm not drinking it, danya…"
"Still sulking? It was a joke."
"Nyaaak!"
I'd gotten used to that weird way of talking by now—it was just cute. The first time we'd met, I couldn't keep a straight face and it'd been a little awkward.
Nya? What even was nya. A Korean guy hears that and thinks someone's mad.
I brewed her coffee with the beans I'd just ground. Mm, smelled good. This one really suited a hand pour.
"Ugh, still terrible at this, danya. Now I get why you've got no customers, nya."
"Hey."
This girl who couldn't even taste coffee properly…
"If you've had your drink, hand over the goods."
"Hmph. So why were you looking for something like this, danya? I got it, but… it's a bit…"
"…Who knows."
"Whatever, nya. I'm a merchant who fetches things. Pay me and I'll get you anything—that's my creed, danya. Here you go, nya."
"Good."
She pulled a small box from her bag. I took it carefully and opened it. The inside was divided into compartments, each holding a tiny glass vial nestled in place.
Something liquid seemed to slosh inside them.
"Looks like some kind of supplement."
I took one out and shook it. Really did look like a vitamin drink.
So, uh… drink this and a dick grows, right?
I grinned without meaning to, and she started sidling her gaze away. Why was she looking at me like that?
Sigh. Someone who'd never been a man wouldn't understand. The hollow feeling I carried.
"Mind if I drink this now?"
"Nyaak!?"
The question made her flinch so hard her whole body jumped. The way she trembled was pretty entertaining. Especially the way her outfit really emphasized her hips. Ah—maybe the tail made that unavoidable.
Looking at her now, she's dressed pretty provocatively.
I watched her with open curiosity, and she shook her head in a panic.
"T-trying it on me is forbidden, danya! Th-the product is solid, so—!"
"Ah, so that's why you freaked out? Obviously I meant I'd drink it myself."
"Ah—no, I mean… um, right, danya."
"Honestly."
I peeled the packaging off the vial. Colorless, odorless—no particular smell. I tipped it down my throat… mm, tasted like cold medicine. Something oddly nostalgic about it.
"Whoa, you actually drank it, danya."
"Mm… mm?"
Not long after swallowing, a familiar sensation stirred in the empty space below my waist.
The pressure made me unzip without thinking, and something heavier than expected announced its presence.
…Oh. This looked bigger than my original one?
"Wow."
"A-are you insane—why are you suddenly taking your pants off!?"
"No, uh, mm, sorry. Just… kind of fascinating."
"W-wait, th-that thing looks like it's getting b-bigger—what is that, danya!?"
"Oh."
Apparently things had been building up.
Couldn't be helped.
After waking up here, I hadn't had the leisure for that sort of thing. Life as a woman… honestly, I still hadn't adapted.
I'd been buried instead in how a commander was supposed to act, how I was supposed to get home. Completely consumed by it.
Maybe that was why I'd gone looking for a "medicine" like this.
In short: I was still a lunatic woman who thought of herself as a man.
Obvious to me—probably looked that way to everyone else. So fine. Here's an actual dick. No complaints now, right?
"Hoo…"
Ah, I'd missed this. Felt like every drop of blood in my body was rushing here.
It wasn't this intense before…
A light dizziness hit. I staggered, and Luna—who'd fled in disgust—came back and steadied me.
"A-are you okay, nya? Why would you even get something like this…"
"Hoo, I'm fine. Just… been a while…"
"A-a while? Boss, you're a woman, nya… You've insisted you were a man sometimes, but—"
"I'm a real man now."
"What I brought doesn't change your sex—it grows male genitalia, danya."
"…Mm."
I didn't care about that. Had she always smelled this good? Not a cat smell—a fresh, captivating scent unique to women, rolling off her in waves.
Looking at her now, her waist was so slim… my head was genuinely starting to go strange.
Afraid I might actually do something stupid, I shook my head and forced myself alert.
"The effect's a little too good. I'll send the rest of the payment to your account—head out for today."
"A-are you sure, nya? That thing…"
"I'm fine. I know exactly how to handle this."
"…Is that so? That's the first I've heard of it. It seems we have rather a lot to discuss."
"Huh?"
"Nya?"
At the sudden voice, I turned—and saw a face I'd missed.
Brown hair that looked like it might smell of fresh bread. Calm eyes of a reddish amber, glittering close to crimson. Features that projected an intellectual image, yet a body that was quietly sensual.
Add the hairstyle commonly called "death-flag hair," and the whole package carried a strangely illicit charge.
Her name was Irina Bronskaya.
The hero's lieutenant the radio had just said was giving an interview. In other words—my former Chief Lieutenant.
She looked at my proudly standing dick and narrowed her brow. I scrambled to cover it with my arm, but it was so substantial it barely helped.
Click, click. She approached like a model on a runway, made that familiar gesture of analyzing the situation, then pressed her temple and started interrogating me.
"Just what exactly have you been doing all this time?"
She crossed her arms with the face of someone who'd caught a runaway wife in the act of cheating. Ah—when Irina looked like that, she was genuinely angry.
I felt weirdly wronged.
Separately from that.
That quietly sexy body of hers was still… really something.
The suit clinging to her frame only sharpened her appeal. The triangle of space and line formed by her stockings, thighs, and pencil skirt was driving me insane.
Ah, why was I like this. Was it because I'd grown a dick again after so long?
This was a real problem.
If I weren't the kind of person who at least gave a warning before walking in, I'd already be jerking off by now, no choice about it.
Dick out and everything.
Ah, damn, I wanted to stroke it so badly.
Could we talk after I finished one round?
Like I'd turned into a monkey, that single thought kept circling my head.
This medicine was a little off, wasn't it. I was going to need a discount.