Just Handle It Yourself (3)

"Goddammit."

"Truly magnificent!!"

—Clap clap clap clap clap!

Leah and the Harben household servants erupted into fervent applause.

And off in the distance, dozens of hired hands—dragged here in wagonloads to "improve my fishing efficiency"—were busily releasing fish back into the lake.

I've been entangled. And not just entangled—entangled badly, and tight.

I hurled down the basket I'd been staring into for two days straight and trudged back to the dock, then shuffled my way home.

"Son~ what in tarnation is all this!! That girl there, she the one ye were talkin' about?"

"Nope."

"Oh? Then why's she fussin' over ye so much?"

"That's the thing, Pa… I'm heading off to school now."

"School? What school?"

"The one my betrothed attends. Figured I'd stick around her 'til I graduate~."

"Well well well. There ye go again, flippin' back and forth like a fish."

—CRASH!

Right beside my chuckling father, Leah shoved her face in through the broken ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠window.

"Oh my—?!"

"Rest assured, Father! I, Leah Harben, will guard your son with my very life so you need never worry!"

"His mother…"

—***

I had planned to simply walk to the academy, but Leah clung on so relentlessly that I gave in and rode with her in her carriage.

"You do understand, Lady Leah?"

"Please, drop the honorific."

"It's fine to call you just by your name?"

"Any pet name or insult you like—I'll answer to all of them."

"Insults included?"

"Trash, slave wench, Leah… anything ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠works. I am merely your sword and shield, after all."

Back when I saw it in the game, that sounded like a badass, dependable line.

Hearing it in person, though? There's no certified menhera quite like a certifiably insane menhera.

"You do understand, right?"

I held up my finger to show off the Ballenstein engagement ring, and Leah just chuckled and nodded.

"I do know. You are the fiancé of Carla Ballenstein."

"Yes. Good—then you and I should keep some distance…"

"However, it poses no problem whatsoever to serve you."

As Leah gazed at me in silence, the h-scenes I'd seen of her flickered across my memory.

Ugh…

A few screws loose in the head, but she's undeniably pretty, I'll give her that.

"Just treat me casually."

"Your very existence makes that impossibly difficult, Lady Heir of House Harben."

At my words, a faint smile spread across Leah's lips.

"A Harben knight may pledge her loyalty to her Lord, but she will never presume to pass judgment on how he lives his life. And so…"

"…And so?"

"Perhaps you could finally tell me your name."

"It's Adrian Belloc."

"Please don't lie to me."

"Why wouldn't you believe me?"

"Because Adrian Belloc is currently attending the entrance ceremony as Her Imperial Highness's fiancé."

"……"

"And just in case, last night while you were asleep, I whispered 'Lord Adrian' into your ear three times, and you showed no reaction whatsoever."

"Hold on, wait."

"Yes?"

"Where did you do what, exactly?"

—Rattle.

-We have arrived. The main gate.

The carriage had stopped a little early, so I opened the window and peered out. It was entrance-ceremony day, and the grounds were so packed with people that carriages could barely get in.

The main gate was completely jammed with them.

As far as the eye could see, forward and back—nothing but rooftops of carriages emblazoned with noble crests.

In the end, the impatient nobles were climbing down one by one, walking on foot along the dirt road they would never have sullied their shoes with in any other lifetime.

"Shall I carry you, my Lord? So that no dirt may touch your precious garments…"

As Leah dropped to her knees with alarming speed, a crowd of Harben retainers swarmed around her in a flustered panic.

"My lady! Blind devotion is one thing, but please, think of House Harben's image!"

"This is damaging even the Head of House's dignity!"

"Silence!"

"!" "…!"

At Leah's single bark, the retainers' momentum crumpled in an instant.

Swallowing whatever stammered protests rose to their lips, every last one of them bowed their heads deep to the ground in perfect unison.

"Come now, hurry! Climb onto my back, my Lord!"

Mud-splattered, Leah shouted up at me with sparkling eyes.

I flatly ignored her, stomping through the mud in my sandals as I walked right past her.

"My Lord!!! The mud, your precious body!!"

Crazy woman, my entire outfit and everything I own combined isn't worth one of your shoes.

And on my first day of school, no less—"the Ballenheim duchess's fiancé carried piggyback by the Harben duchess."

Rumors like that? No, thank you.

"My Lord! Come, let's go together~~! My Lorrrd!!!"

"If Carla sees this, she'll get the wrong idea. So back off, please…!!"

"Carla? Do you mean that Carla?"

"Huh?"

Following Leah's pointing finger, I turned—and there, waiting with arms crossed before the main ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠gate, stood Carla.

—"Lady Carla~."

"…"

Her mood looked absolutely rotten.

People trailed her wherever she went by default, but today in particular she had a leech of a golden-sun pretty boy stuck to her, and the killing intent she radiated rivaled the day he first insulted the Saintess to her face.

"I won't say it twice. Get lost."

—"Don't be like that~. I hear we're in the same classes this term. Heh heh… let's get along, shall we?"

"I'll give you five seconds."

—"Give me just five seconds too, and I'll make you fall head over heels for me. Kuku…"

"Five… four… three…"

"Look, I'm actually quite the catch, you know? Rather than waste time on some country bumpkin, why not just…"

The moment he laid a ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠hand on Carla's shoulder—

Carla, for the first time wearing a genuinely happy, eye-crinkling smile, drew her sword without a moment's hesitation.

—Shff.

"Eek!?"

His dyed-yellow bangs fluttered down onto the grass.

"A-are you insane!? Duchess's daughter or not, I am still a proper noble—you dare lay hands on me!?"

"And who, pray tell, touched whom first?"

"I am the sole heir of a baron's house, possibly a viscountcy in time!! How dare you!! How DARE you!!!!"

Just as the murder was flickering back into the Ballenstein's eyes, she spotted me—and her expression melted like honey, softening into sweetness on the spot.

"Evan!! Here, over here!"

Ah, shit. Here we go.

At Carla's shout, Leah's eyes lit up.

They gleamed more brilliantly than I'd ever seen them, and my sense of dread deepened accordingly.

"So it is Lord Evan…!"

I told Leah to stay put, then ran over to Carla and greeted her.

"When did you get here?"

"Just now!"

While Carla beamed at me, the golden-sun noble strutted up with an expression dripping jealousy.

He looked me up and down and let out a contemptuous snort.

"Ha~ so this is what you were getting defensive over? I get it now, Lady Carla. Makes sense why you were angry—this guy's got zero fundamentals as a man, doesn't he~? Hey, peasant! Because of you, Lady Carla's been waiting here over an hour—"

—THWACK!!

Carla's boot kicked him square in the ass.

"GUWAAAAGH! OOF!?"

The Ballenstein ground her heel into the back of his skull as she grabbed my hand tight.

"Oww…"

"I didn't wait at all!"

"Right…"

"Merely that I nearly died of longing for you these past days. Come, let us hurry to the dormitory. And let me feel once more that warmth of yours that I'd been slowly forgetting…"

Just as Carla was putting on her full display of female menace, Leah Harben abruptly stepped forward and bowed her head.

"Hm? Leah… Harben…?"

"Yes."

"Why are you… ah, it is the entrance ceremony, I suppose. Hardly strange to cross paths at the academy gate. Good to see you."

"The pleasure is entirely mine, my mistress."

"Your… what?"

"I am Leah Harben, the dedicated knight sworn to serve Lord Evan as of today. I look forward to working with you."

"?"

At Leah's sunny smile, Carla's face went rigid—then she recovered with an airy laugh and waggled a finger at her.

"Oh please~ as if. You think House Ballenstein would let a Harben dog into the family? I'd stake everything we have to block your knight appointment, thoroughl—"

"Well now~ being from a knightly house yourself, you'd surely know this already. Do you know who chairs the Knight Assessment Council that reviews all formal master-vassal registrations? Why, it's none other than Leopold Harben, the Emperor's own Imperial Guard Captain~?!"

"Ah…?"

"And I… oh my! Am his daughter."

Carla promptly went white as a sheet, cold sweat pouring down her face.

"Ahh, and by next week I'll be formally invested as his dedicated knight—meaning from then on, every single moment of both your lives, I can lawfully, completely, legally be by your side…"

Is this for real?

Why does a law that fucking bullshit even exist!?

"Isn't it simply wonderful!! Someday I'll protect your children too. And then my children will protect your children again, and…"

As Leah layered delusion upon delusion upon delusion and savored the full course, Carla turned green and wheeled toward me.

"E-Evan!"

"Yes, Carla."

"H-how the hell did you end up getting your nose ringed by that lunatic?"

"…Remember the day you threw yourself into the lake to die?"

"How could I forget? The day of our fateful meeti—"

"Spare me the sappy feelings. What were you thinking, that day, when you jumped?"

"…I jumped without imagining anyone could possibly be out there in some backwater corner of the world."

"Same for her, apparently."

"What, because the Saintess she served died?"

"Yep."

"Would you look at that—another spineless wench. This is exactly why the Harben household is hopeless. When something doesn't work out, you're supposed to grit your teeth, survive, and plan for the future…"

Excuse me?

Weren't YOU the one who tried to die the exact same way, ma'am?

Spineless Carla Ballenstein, ladies and gentlemen.

"Harben folk are such idiots they can't even eat or take a shit without their master's permission. We need to draw a hard line before this goes any deeper."

At Carla's slander, Leah's brow twitched.

"My apologies, Lady Carla? I serve Lord Evan as my master—not you."

"Oh ho? And?"

"Then I wonder why you're cutting down the people of another house left and right like this~? The heir of a defeated house, relegated to the back pages of history at that?"

"De. Feated… house?"

Carla, who had been busy nuzzling up to me while ignoring Leah… fixed her with a vicious glare.

"Carla!"

"Hoo… wait a moment, Evan. That deranged bitch just insulted my house…!!"

Carla strode deliberately up to Leah and stopped, face to face with her.

With that, the eyes of every student arriving for the ceremony and every teacher preparing it swiveled toward us.

—"Those two… aren't those the heirs of House Harben and House Ballenstein, of the Three Great Ducal Houses?"

—"Who's that man next to them?"

—"A hired hand, probably."

"Carla, just come back here!"

The stares are killing me, goddammit.

"Leah Harben, take it back. That word! What could you possibly know of House Ballenstein's greatness!"

"Is there something I need to know?"

"I suppose not… how could you. You're nothing but a mongrel who couldn't even protect the Saintess she served—whether she was demon or human, who knows."

"What did you say!?"

"Ha! Listen to the dog whine pitifully because she failed her master."

"You! You've crossed the line now!"

Leah drew her sword with intent to kill, so I yanked Carla toward me and wrapped her up tight in my arms before an incident could break out.

"Evan…!?"

Then, pulling her in by the waist, I began teasing her side.

Carla jolted, her face flushing scarlet.

"Th-that's embarrassing, in front of everyone…"

You two are a thousand times more embarrassing, you absolute lunatics.

"Leah!"

"Yes…? YES!! My Lord!"

Leah, who'd been staring off in a daze, snapped to attention at rigid parade rest—

and waited, desperate as a dog expecting a treat, for my command.

"Get over here, you. Quickly. And no funny business."

With Carla occupying one arm, I opened up my remaining side, and Leah sprinted over and dove her head right into the gap.

"Hehe."

"Right, let's go. Can we please have a quiet, normal day."

What I didn't know then—

was that I'd just think of it as breaking up one little squabble.

Maybe things would have gone easier if I'd just let the two of them slash at each other, damn it all.

—"D-did you see that just now? A ducal heiress under each arm? What the hell is that guy? Could he be the Emperor's hidden bastard son or something?"

—"Oh, wait—could that be him? Adrian Belloc, the Third Princess's fiancé?"

—"Nah~ I heard Adrian's handsome and refined. That guy looks straight out of a fishing village. Definitely not him."

"Who even is that guy?"

"Lord Adrian~? What's the matter?"

"Some lunatic over at the main gate just…"

"Where? There's no one there?"

"He looked like he had two ducal heiresses hanging off both his arms…"

"Where on earth would you find a man like that?"

"…Fair point."

"Ahh~ enough with the hard thinking. Let's finish the ceremony quick and then play in my room… ♡"

"Like yesterday? Heh heh… we've still got the drug left."

"Ahhng~ don't bring up yesterday, I'm getting wet…"

"…Ah, sorry~♪. I got hard too. Let's hurry~ guess the drug was wearing off, that's why it was a false alarm~."