Confession, and... (1)
Every time the wind blew, Orengia flower seeds swirled across the sky.
And each time, it looked as if snowflakes were drifting down.
People gazed up at the seeds sailing overhead and marveled, one after another, and then they laughed with delight as the seeds drifted slowly down to meet them, as if catching snow on their upturned faces.
Cantatien was a city bordered by the Viridia Plain to the south, the Cantasia River to the west and north, and the great Orengia flower fields to the east.
The only settlements nearby were Lizard Den, and farther off, Gebelberg — with the forest crossing toward Riterdam beyond the northern mountains — but the city had flourished entirely on its own, indifferent to its neighbors, and could fairly be called a prosperous one.
"It's a decent-sized town."
Yona sat on a bench, drumming her calves against the wood. She had spent the whole morning walking in unfamiliar lady's shoes instead of the leather boots she always wore, and her feet were paying for it.
"Tell me about it. They said it was a mid-sized city, but you could call this a major one and nobody would argue."
Alec uncapped his canteen and handed it over. Yona took it, took a long drink, then rolled her eyes around as she surveyed the square.
Facing their bench stood a rather large fountain, dry and silent — it being winter, no water flowed from it. Instead, couples and lovers were packed all around its parched basin, chatting and laughing merrily, and the scene had a certain charm to it.
"Everyone! The parade is about to begin—! Please step back from the road, pleeease—!!"
A boy who looked barely sixteen came sprinting around the square, shouting at the top of his lungs. At his cry, the crowd withdrew without a trace of annoyance, slowly clearing a path. Immediately afterward, men in splendid outfits rushed out in a body and began tying rope to the posts that ringed the square, stretching them into long barriers.
"They're taking this seriously."
"It's a parade, after all. They must have safety measures too."
It was a festival said to have been handed down for a very long time — apparently so.
Yona and Alec watched the preparations unfold in a daze. As it happened, the bench they had claimed turned out to be prime real estate. The eaves of a shop blocked the midday sun like a canopy, while the entire square lay open to view at a single glance. With Yona and Alec planted squarely on that bench, people gathered snugly at their feet, waiting for the parade that was about to begin.
Still, it's got nothing on the square back in the Papal State.
There was no fountain there, true — but there was a statue of the Heavenly God in its place. And there were even the polished stepping stones that the young acolytes scrubbed clean by hand every morning. Hard to compare, really, when you thought about it.
While Yona watched the square, lost in such thoughts, the great muslin curtain standing on its left side slowly began to fall away.
And as the curtain dropped, what gradually revealed itself was—
"Whoa."
"Wow."
Something that drew a gasp from Yona and Alec at the same time: an enormous model of an Orengia flower, carved from wood and assembled piece by piece. It was big enough to comfortably fit several grown men inside — the flower model, firmly fixed atop a wide plywood platform mounted on wooden wheels, was shaped like a bud not yet in bloom.
"Wow..."
Yona stared at it, spellbound. The model was so exquisitely made, so faithful to the real flower, that her heart seemed stolen by it outright — her plump lips hung open, her gaze nailed in place. Alec kept sneaking glances at her from the side.
- Thud...
With a heavy rumble, the plywood platform bearing the giant Orengia flower began to roll forward slowly. Though no one pulled it from the front — by whatever principle Yona couldn't fathom — the platform crept ahead on its own, carrying the massive flower model with it.
"WaaAAAAAH!"
With a cheer, children dressed in green came bounding out and ran laps around the platform. As they ran, they kept scattering something pure white, letting it flutter through the air around them — an imitation, clearly, of Orengia flower seeds. The smiles blooming across their faces and the laughter rising and drifting alongside them made for a magnificent sight.
Each time the platform moved toward the center of the square, the bud began to open a little more. The closer it drew to the heart of the square, the nearer the flower came to full bloom.
"Yona — there's someone inside that!"
"Huh... you're right."
At Alec's words, Yona squinted hard at the interior of the slowly opening bud. She couldn't see clearly yet, but there was unmistakably a shadow that looked like a person inside.
"It really is incredible."
Yona murmured without meaning to. The model was masterfully crafted down to the smallest detail, and the Orengia flower blooming wider and wider as it approached the center of the square drew such an enthusiastic response that the crowd kept erupting in cheers.
- Thunk!
With the sound of a stake driving home, the Orengia flower finally arrived at the center of the square. And there, nestled within the fully bloomed flower, someone sat curled up tight, dressed in gossamer-thin clothes, beautiful as a fairy.
In an instant, the square fell silent. People had all been chattering away, but a large-scale sound-dampening spell pressed down over the square. Since it only blocked sound and caused no real trouble, the square simply went quiet all around. The crowd was bewildered for only a moment before they fell quiet on their own, gazing at the single Orengia flower that had bloomed in their midst.
"HaaAAAAAM—"
The figure stretched both arms overhead in a grand yawn, like someone waking from sleep. Then it looked around, sprang to its feet, and — with lively, exaggerated gestures — surveyed its surroundings before cupping its hands into a trumpet shape and calling out in a loud voice.
"All these people — are they here to see the Orengia flower—?!"
At that, the children playing the fairies came running out and crowded around the base of the platform bearing the flower.
"Your Majesty—! Yes—! Each and every one of them has come to see the Orengia flower—!"
"Then this year, too, winter has arrived just as it always does—?!"
"Your Majesty—! Yes—! This year too, winter has come safe and sound—!"
"How wonderful to hear—! With winter arriving safely once more, the Orengia flowers — my beloved children — will flourish again this year—!"
"Your Majesty—! Yes—! The Orengia flower will flourish forever and ever—!"
Every line came with exaggerated gestures — gestures and a voice big enough to reach everyone packed into the square. How much must they have practiced for this one festival? Not a single beat fell out of step in the exchange between the Queen and the children.
"Amazing. They must have rehearsed for ages."
Yona nodded at Alec's words. By then the sound-dampening spell had been lifted, and the crowd was watching the performance with eyes shining with delight.
"And now—! Before you all, gathered here today, I, the Orengia Fairy Queen, do hereby proclaim: the Orengia Festival of this year has BEGUN—!!!"
The Queen cried out in a great voice, her movements deliberately exaggerated yet solemn. As the proclamation rang out, the fairy children too began dancing and singing, circling round and round the Orengia flower.
With the Queen's proclamation heralding the beginning, the Orengia Festival had started.
Not a single face in the crowd was without a smile. The adventurers who made their living in rough work, the watchmen who kept the city safe — everyone mingled together in a good time, and Yona and Alec belonged among them.
Yona could strike up conversation with total strangers as naturally as breathing. She talked about having come from a place called Evian far away, or about heading to Lizard Den, and the people laughed heartily at whatever she said, chiming in with That's incredible! one after another.
Alec, too, emptied his beer mug with a smile as he watched her. He didn't have her knack for connecting with people. Drop her anywhere and she'd surely sprout roots — drop her in some foreign land she'd never seen and she'd find her own way back — and watching that side of Yona never failed to bring a smile to his face. Come to think of it, that very sociability was why no one had ever done her wrong, even while calling her a deranged healer.
It really is her charm.
But from this day on, Alec was determined to make that charm his own.
Until now, he had been content to remain the person closest to her. He had told himself that someday she would come to see it, and he had waited. But what happened at the Wizard Community had changed that thinking entirely.
He had to be bolder.
He had to push harder.
He had to make Yona realize it herself.
Alec set down his empty mug and rose slowly to his feet. Then he took the hand of Yona beside him and pulled her up with a swift tug.
"Come on, now. We've eaten enough — time to go exploring again."
"Wh-what? Oh. R-right."
Yona gave a light wave to the people she'd been chatting with, then turned back toward Alec.
"So, where should we go next?"
"It's a festival — there's no 'destination.' We just wander around."
"I suppose so."
Yona laughed. Her eyes gleamed like shining gold, and Alec felt his heart flutter despite himself.
"Ahh, my legs are killing me."
The moment they returned to the inn to rest, Yona flopped onto the bed, kicked off her shoes, and kneaded her calves. They'd seen more or less everything worth seeing; all that remained were the magic fireworks — the pinnacle of the festival's first day.
Yona had wanted, if she had her way, to keep wandering outside. But Alec had led her back to the inn room instead, and though she'd snapped at him a bit, asking what the big idea was, once she was back she made no real complaint.
"See? Your legs hurt. It would've been worse if we'd kept walking around."
"But there was so much to see. And that feats-of-strength show — wasn't that just incredible?"
The act where a performer laid a rock on a volunteer's stomach and brought a hammer down to split the rock cleanly in two. Yona had shrieked in horror, but Alec had explained at length that it was all trickery — that anyone could do it, and here was exactly how.
"Like I said, I could do that too. Splitting a rock on top of you isn't impressive — what's impressive is smashing it down on nothing and walking away fine."
"Ugh... don't even start, ugh."
Yona scowled, but Alec only grinned.
"When do the fireworks start?"
"Soon."
With that, Alec walked over to the window and flung the wooden shutters wide open. The night sky stretched overhead in full view, and where all those tumbling, sparkling stars pointed, the square lay spread out below. People had gathered in little clusters, eating and drinking, enjoying themselves, and all those who had come to Cantatien for the festival were happy — gathered around the single focal point of celebration.
"Yona, come here."
Having spotted the launchers taking position in the square one by one, Alec called out. Yona rose from the bed and came over to the window at his beckoning — and at the very moment she stood beside him, looking out—
- BOOM!
The first firework shot skyward with a detonation. It burst, embroidering an Orengia flower across the heavens. The second rose in its wake and bloomed into leaves; the third, a stem; the fourth, a tiny fairy flitting beside the flower. Every time a firework climbed into the sky, Orengia flowers burst into bloom across the dark — on the verge of forming an entire field of blossoms above the city.
And Alec and Yona stood quietly, watching those flowers.
"Yona."
【At last!】
Yona snapped at the voice of Berbaria ringing in her head to shut its mouth, then turned her eyes to Alec. No way. Surely not. That wasn't it. Yona prayed, desperately, that those words would not come out of Alec's mouth.
"Yona."
When she didn't answer, Alec called her name again.
【Did I not tell you? That man, too, sees you as a woman — there can be no doubt of it.】
"...Yeah."
Alec reached out and took both of Yona's hands in his. The strength in that grip was strangely intense — it even carried a faint ache up her arms — but Alec, of course, knew nothing of it. Yona gazed down quietly at those hands, then lifted her eyes to Alec's face.
The fireworks kept bursting, and Orengia flowers kept blooming in the sky. And there, beneath all of it, Alec was looking at Yona with eyes burning with such passionate light.
"Yona. There's something I haven't been able to say to you for a long time."
【There, you see. No matter how you deny it—】
Yona bit her lip, just barely.
So it is. Or no — that can't be it. Alec, of all people, was the one who —
"I have, for a long time now, lo—"
No.
Don't say it.
Please don't say it.
Anything but that. You mustn't say that.
Yona whispered quietly inside her own heart — words that Alec could never possibly hear.
"I love you, Yona. Will you — will you be with me?"
Yona stared, unmoving, into Alec's eyes.
So you didn't believe me after all.
So you saw me as a woman too.
You were the same. Even you.
No —
Even you.
Something hot surged up all at once. Betrayal, rage, frustration, grief, numbness, despair, dejection, misery, gloom, heartbreak. Countless words flashed through her mind in an instant. Yona could give no answer at all — she simply stood there, gazing at Alec.
【Do you understand now? You are a woman. However you insist you were once a man, this is the truth of it. No one will ever treat you as a man. Even this one — who has spent more years at your side than anyone — has seen you all along as a woman. Would it not be best to accept it at last?】
"...Alec."
She could not accept Alec — because she had never once believed herself to be a woman.
And she could not refuse Alec — because if she did, Alec would walk away.
Shut your mouth, you damn snake. Whatever you spout, you won't shake me.
【Hoh.】
"Yeah?"
Alec was looking at her, his eyes brimming with hope. And even as Yona looked into those eyes, she found it absurd that she was the one feeling guilty about what she was about to say.
Did she feel let down by Alec — by the man who hadn't believed her, who had seen her as a woman all along? Yes. She did.
Did she feel hurt? Yes. She did.
Did that mean she'd come to hate him? No. It didn't.
No. It's not his fault.
Of course it isn't.
With a body like this, if someone insisted they were a man and you actually believed them, you'd be the strange one. That's right — Alec isn't the one in the wrong. I'm the one who's wrong. Yes. I'm the strange one. But... but.
Yona gathered her thoughts. Against the voice Berbaria kept whispering into her, against that heart that felt as if it might topple over at any moment — she braced herself, firm and unyielding, once more.
She could not accept Alec. The last tattered thread of her selfhood was screaming at her that this, of all things, must not happen.
She could not let Alec go. And somewhere in a corner of her heart, something nameless was screaming that this, too, must not happen.
Then—
Then.
I'm sorry for being this selfish.
"...Right now, I can't. You know what my purpose is."
Yona forced herself to smile. The light of bursting fireworks painted itself over that smile, turning it into something faintly grotesque — but that was fine. Yona looked straight at Alec. Right now, she had to make her heart truly understood.
"So — right now... I can't accept your feelings. I'm sorry, Alec."
The world was collapsing.
The reason that told her she had to refuse Alec — and the instinct that shrieked in terror at the thought of Alec leaving her. The two collided with violent force, and the world came crashing down.
That unyielding world which had enclosed Yona's heart — the world of self-awareness that had held her safe and whole —
It was crumbling.
And amid the drifting shards of it, Yona stood quietly in place. Unable to do anything at all, she could only stare, dazed, at her own world as it fell to pieces around her.