Chapter 19
After the lights went out and Yu-bin threw the vase, my vision, which hadn't focused since, finally locked into place. Because of the square holes running through the cage, I kept lifting my palms and the soles of my feet and peeling them off again, over and over.
Sitting up and lifting my head all the way was too hard at that height, so I just flopped down completely. I tried to keep my torn-up lower back and butt from touching the cold metal as much as possible.
Because of gravity, no matter how I positioned myself, having my body constantly pressed into the iron holes was genuinely uncomfortable. Every time I moved my legs, the inside of my stomach stung, and I let out a groan without meaning to, but fortunately, Yu-bin didn't do anything in particular.
I couldn't so much as lift a finger. It wasn't only because of the physical pain. The depression that had been piling up until now finally surfaced, and my fingertips tingled while the soles of my feet felt like they'd been coated in anesthetic.
My brain kept telling me to find a way out. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself I could escape this fucking place, I still couldn't find an answer.
There was no way. If I attempted suicide and failed, what came next would be horrific torture. I had to end it in one go. Absolutely one go.
None of the windows in the house opened. Even just touching them, the thickness was considerable, so I never even dreamed of trying to break one.
Either way, for a coward like me, the realistic suicide methods I could attempt in this house weren't many. So, even that thread-thin smile lasted only a moment. Thud.
*
The bedding—the pillow, of course, but also the blanket and mattress cover—was all soaked in blood, so I considered changing it, but I was a little tired, and for now I decided to just lie down.
In the darkened room, I quietly closed my eyes, treating Do-ha's pained moans like sleep-inducing music.
In the corner of the narrow cage where she couldn't even stretch out her back, Do-ha lay naked without a single thread on her. I spoke to her.
"This was the biggest size, but I guess it's still cramped since it's meant for a dog."
In her eyes, more than defiance, despondency showed. Maybe she'd been tearing at her hair—apart from the bloodstains, a few strands of hair were visible on the still-clean training pad.
Do-ha didn't so much as flinch even when I got right up to her face. She clearly wasn't like that because she trusted this flimsy iron cage.
"Didn't you go pee-pee?"
"..."
"Are you going to keep ignoring me?"
At the thought that came to mind, a smile formed before I could help it. I walked out the door and headed for the hamster cage sitting on the living room table.
"Do-ha."
Do-ha's eyes, which hadn't moved even when I called her name, rolled over to look at my hand—then stopped dead.
"Uh, uh... uh, that—"
"Pfft, now you talk."
"Huh...? No, no, right? Uh... m-ma'am?"
"What should I do? If Do-ha keeps ignoring what I say... hmm."
I said it while stroking the round little rodent in my palm with my finger. I wasn't really an animal person.
Furry living things in particular—I'd never thought of them as especially cute or anything. Ah, but Do-ha wearing cat or puppy ears and going "meow" or "woof woof" would be cute. Would Do-ha be closer to a cat?
"I-I'll listen! I'll listen to you, ma'am!"
Before I could even think about what to say to scare Do-ha, her quick, obedient answer brought a satisfied smile to my face. She really was simple.
"Yeah, but how am I supposed to believe you?"
At my words, Do-ha immediately made a stupid-looking face, and her complexion worsened like someone sinking into despair after failing to find an answer.
"Ah... really, should I just hurl the hamster? Hmm, or should I just drop it in the toilet and flush?"
"Ah...! Ah! Ugh, uh—"
Do-ha scrunched up her face and clamped her mouth shut. Tears gradually welled in her eyes, and then big drops began falling one by one.
"Hic... h-hngh... I-I was wrong..."
"Hmph... right?"
I couldn't hide the corners of my mouth curling upward. Seeing Do-ha on her knees, begging desperately, finally made me feel a little better.
"Okay, no more crying. Come out for now."
When I opened the cage door, with a creak, Do-ha slowly pulled her body out, palms first. She was like a newly adopted cat that needed time to adjust to a new home.
When I stroked her scabbed-over lower back with my hand, Do-ha flinched.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm just looking."
Even while I carefully swept my hand near the wounded area, the trembling didn't stop.
I lifted Do-ha and held her in my arms. It had been a while since she'd gone quietly into my arms like this, so I hugged her a little tighter.
Even so, I couldn't find any sign of discomfort on her, and even though Do-ha's body was colder than mine, I was the one melting away.
"It hurt a lot, didn’t it?"
I patted her back and felt the shoulder blades beneath her small shoulders. I pulled Do-ha away from my chest again and slowly looked her over. Had she gotten a little thinner?
While I went to get the first-aid kit, Do-ha disappeared. I easily found her hiding under the vanity. Once she saw what I was holding, she obediently changed her attitude.
I soaked a cotton ball in alcohol and pressed it to her butt, and it immediately stained brown and red. Should I change the punishment method? It was custom-made, a whip I'd waited quite a long time to receive.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"H-hungry..."
"Let's eat after this. It's almost done. Aww, good girl."
I barely managed to soothe Do-ha as she lay face down hugging a pillow and sniffling, and I finished treating her. Luckily, none of the wounds were deep enough to need stitches.
Proud of Do-ha for making it through the treatment, I kissed her on the cheek. Maybe we'd eat a little later.
I decided porridge would be best, so I measured water and rice into a pot. It would take some time, but making it myself was definitely better.
"Do-ha, do you want beef porridge or egg porridge?"
"E-egg."
Do-ha murmured quietly. I wrapped her up in a soft blanket, sat her on the sofa, and told her to watch TV or something.
Porridge is pretty easy to make, but it's a dish that gets ruined if you mess up the water even a little, so while the rice soaked in the pot, I looked up the recipe one more time.
While I was looking for a short video on my phone, I heard quick little footsteps.
"Oh, what's wrong?"
"I-I was trying to h-help."
"Pfft, what?"
A giggle burst out. Ah, did I laugh too openly in her face?
"Ah, sorry. I'm not laughing at you, hff."
Looking all battered and trembling like a leaf, saying she wanted to help with something—really.
It was both admirable and funny. Did she not know what she looked like right now?
"Wh-what sh-sh-should I-I d-do?"
"Just sit down."
"N-no, I mean, can I do it like this?"
"Hey. Don't make me say the same thing twice."
When I lowered my voice, Do-ha stopped dead. She trudged back to the living room with her shoulders hanging limply, looking pitiful and cute.
"...Do-ha. Then want to do this?"
Do-ha turned her head, and her eyebrows went up. She came pattering back and looked up at me with round eyes.
"Hff."
For a second, I almost couldn't stop myself from slapping her cheek.
Unconsciously, I covered my mouth with one hand. God, how breathtakingly adorable. Truly lethal cuteness.
Maybe she wanted to prove she was useful. Even so, honestly, there was nothing for her to do.
It was just egg porridge. Obviously I couldn't let her use a knife, and the Do-ha I'd seen during our relationship had never once cooked for herself even while living alone.
I could clearly picture her ruining it by dumping in salt or sesame oil, claiming she was seasoning it.
Suddenly, the image of Do-ha grinning sheepishly as she told me cooking at home was too much trouble and that she'd eaten nothing but cereal for three days straight flashed through my mind.
Huh, wasn't I dating a weird person?
I handed her a small knife. Strictly speaking it was a bread knife, but I told her to chop the carrots with it.
I couldn't take my eyes off Do-ha's face as she earnestly minced a piece of carrot with her pale hands. Something like worry. That kind of thing.
Watching Do-ha whimper and fight with the carrot, her life skills really were pathetically low... It was kind of hopeless... and also.
I beat the eggs I'd taken out of the fridge earlier, then with a properly sharpened kitchen knife—tak, tak—I sliced the onion. I swept the finely chopped square pieces across the cutting board with the knife. Beside me, I could see Do-ha pressing down on the flat of the knife with her palm.
"Do-ha, look at me. You've got something on your face."
"H-huh?"
I wiped around her eye with my hand. A few seconds later, she let out a shriek and frantically washed her face, making me burst out laughing again.
"Hngh... you're so mean. Y-you're awful..."
"Ahaha, sorry."
One of Do-ha's eyes was red and bloodshot. Even as she sniffled back tears and snot and glared at me with a resentful look, it only stirred my sadistic side.
Before I knew it, the cooking was nearly done. I scooped up a spoonful from the bubbling pot, took a bite myself, then put some in Do-ha's mouth too.
"Ah, ah-hot-hot, h-hot—"
I pulled Do-ha's mouth open with my thumb and looked inside. Even at a glance, it was obvious that the inside of her mouth was raw and torn. Each time I fed her a spoonful, I blew on it five times first.
Inside my mouth, I chewed the carrot pieces Do-ha had chopped, each a different size. Hmm, I should keep her from cooking from now on.
The atmosphere in the house was much brighter than before. Lying on the sofa with my eyes closed on a full stomach, hugging Do-ha like a body pillow, drowsiness washed over me. Ah, that was when I remembered the mountain of things I had to do.
"Hoo... I should do what needs doing. Hmm."
I heard Do-ha flop limply onto the floor.
"Oops, sorry?"
"I-I'm f-fine."
I helped Do-ha up from where she was sprawled on the living room rug. I was planning to take the blanket back anyway, so Do-ha, naked again, clung to me, maybe because she was a little cold.
"Pff, cute."
Why did I think of a baby monkey clinging to its mother from a video I'd scrolled past on my phone? Should I let her suckle my chest or something?
I lifted Do-ha in a princess carry and went up to the second floor. She seemed sleepy—her eyes were blinking, and I brushed aside the bangs falling over her face.
I relaxed my arms and dropped her, and once again Do-ha was thrown to the floor. Maybe because it was higher than before—crash, bang—the sound of her falling was loud.
"Get in."
"Uh, uh... uh, uh?"
In front of the open cage door, Do-ha looked up at me furtively with eyes wider than before.
"What are you doing? Aren't you getting in?"
She squeezed her curled-up body into the iron cage again. When I pressed her butt with my foot, Do-ha flinched in surprise and slipped in like a cat.
Clank. I latched the door shut and left the room.