The Misunderstanding
This is a battlefield where bullets fall like rain.
Gunfire thunders without pause... bullets arc overhead, whipping past my ears. The air stings my nose, a foul blend of gunpowder and blood.
I sit slumped against the inside of the trench wall, having given up on everything.
My back and hips are caked in a sticky mess of mud and blood... and all around me lie bodies with severed arms and legs, torn apart so badly that no one could tell who they once were.
Fortunately, none of them were my squad members. Looking closer, they were enemy mages — the ones we had killed. People who, mere minutes ago, had been alive and moving. Now they lie cold and silent, unable to answer anyone.
Beyond the trench, the gunfire still continues. Faintly, I can hear the voices of my squad members dealing with the remaining enemy mages. The battle had already tipped in our favor.
How cruel it all is.
Our soldiers... no. The enemy mages too... Each of them has someone they want to protect, and for those people, they point their guns at one another.
They must have had families. Comrades they laughed and talked with. Perhaps someone waiting for them to come home. They surely had people just as precious to them as mine are to me... And yet, in this place, none of that meant anything. The ones who were so precious to someone else became, to me, nothing more than enemies I had to cut down.
How horrifying... and that horror is spread out right before my eyes.
.
A single body lies sprawled in front of me. At first, I tried desperately to deny it. Her stomach had been torn open so badly that her entrails spilled out, tangled in the mud... her blood-soaked uniform was stained beyond recognizing its original color.
And yet... that face alone, I know too well.
The reality I had fought so hard to deny flickers before my eyes. It's Layla, who joined my squad only yesterday. Just yesterday she was smiling, greeting me like it was the most natural thing in the world... and now she lies cold and lifeless before me.
"Ah..."
She's dead. Again. How many times has it been now?
It's because of me. Layla, lying cold and dead before my eyes — what am I even supposed to call her death?
She died protecting me. It was my carelessness. I failed to notice the enemy mage taking aim at me. In that instant, Layla leapt in front of me... and took the enemy's magic bullet in my place. It tore through her lower abdomen, and she was gone.
If only I had been a little more careful. If only I had noticed a little sooner — then Layla would never have needed to throw herself in front of me.
Yet another newly assigned squad member has sacrificed herself to protect me.
What am I, anyway...? What does this worthless title of the mage with the greatest mana capacity in the world even amount to?
I used to be a man. But now... I can wield, within this body, the magic that only women are permitted to use. The reason is simple. I underwent human experimentation.
It all began with an experimental result: that if a female mage's magic could be transplanted into a male body... one could obtain far more mana than any female mage. Male volunteers were recruited from across the nation... with the promise of substantial payment — because there was no guarantee the experiment would succeed. On top of that, anyone who survived would be forced into the war.
Even so... our family, left with nowhere to turn because of the war, needed that money desperately. So I staked my life and volunteered for the experiment.
I endured torture of every kind. The men around me died one by one. I held on. And held on. And at last... I became a mage with overwhelming mana capacity.
A male mage... no. A female mage.
Thanks to the overwhelming mana I possess, I could claim victory in nearly every battle. I became a force the war simply could not do without. But... that overwhelming power exacted its own price.
The more mana I expend... the more it turns to miasma. That miasma slowly poisons my internal organs. So that I won't die — no, so that I can cling to life a little longer — a combat medic mage is always assigned to me. To shield me from enemy attacks, and at the same time, to tend to my body against the poison of my own mana.
Keeping me alive is, in itself, raising the odds of victory in this war.
This fact is classified. Not only to the outside world... it must never reach the ordinary soldiers either. If this truth were to leak... even the squad members who knew of it would not be spared. They would be executed on the charge of leaking classified information alone.
But the medic mages newly assigned to my squad know. Why they must protect me... and what price I pay every time I fight. And still, they shoulder the sacrifice, just as I do. With hearts like mine... they are simply mages who want to protect everyone.
And then... those squad members die in my place, one after another. With their final breaths, they thank me. Layla, grown cold before my eyes, was no different.
What on earth were they thanking me for? For the mere fact that keeping me alive meant saving this country... Layla seemed filled with hope until her very last moment. But... she never got to see the outcome of this battle I won yet again, did she? She died like this. She can never again meet the people she so desperately wanted to protect.
I was sad. I wanted to cry.
I was still staring blankly at Layla, drowning in grief, when I heard footsteps running toward me from the distance. Two sets of footsteps, not one... It must be my squad members. The battle to retake Servie Trench appears to have ended in our victory.
Our squad numbers four, myself included... while the enemy mages we faced numbered well over twenty. My mana was spent heavily in the process.
"Hk... ugh...!"
Blood surges up from my mouth. But... I wipe it away with my sleeve, just barely, before my squad members can notice. I don't want them to see how weak I am... and I don't want to see their faces, twisted with worry over me. It's classified anyway — I couldn't explain even if I wanted to.
"Hehe..."
All of this is for everyone's sake...
I was still staring blankly at Layla when, before I knew it, Armi and Celica had drawn right up in front of me. All of them seem to be in shock, mouths opening and closing, unable to find any words. The scene before their eyes was truly horrific.
Armi's stunned expression hardens into rage. Her gaze locks onto me. The moment I realize that fury is aimed at me... I flinch before I can stop myself. But I force my face into calm, pretending nothing is wrong.
Seeing me so composed, Armi can no longer contain her anger... and strides right up to me, slumped and resigned on the ground.
It's a familiar situation. Layla was not the first. The newly assigned medic mages all tried, without exception, to protect me. And every time I fell into danger, they threw their bodies in front of me and died in my place — all to keep me, their squad leader, alive.
Armi bites down hard on her lip. And at last, she asks me.
"Why... why is Layla lying there so cold?"
"S-she was trying to save me..."
"What is this? You got saved again? What are you? What do you even—"
"I, I..."
"Right... you're going to go silent again, aren't you? Say it's classified. Am I right?"
"Yeah..."
Once again, swallowing her fury at my silence, Armi stands there glaring down at me. As always, I avert my eyes from hers, unable to meet them.
The battle is over now, so I should return to base. I push against the ground to stand up — and that's when it happens.
Armi steps in front of me and looks down. Then she gives a small nod, as if realizing something. She, who had been biting her lip and swallowing her seething rage, finally speaks.
"Squad Leader... a moment."
"Huh...?"
It happened in an instant. Armi seizes my throat and hauls me upward. My mana is completely drained... and my organs are saturated with miasma — I didn't have the strength left to resist.
"Gghk... ugh... l-let... go..."
"What? Still no remorse?"
"R-remorse for what...? I haven't done anything wrong... gghk..."
"You're kidding, right? Do you have any idea how much pain the ones who died because of you went through?"
It seems all the emotions Armi had been holding back have burst forth at once.
I already know what Armi is saying. I know it, and yet... what else can I do? To save the world... or at least to save Armi, who stands before me now with that furious expression... because the moment I die, the entire squad will be slaughtered in an instant.
Armi's grip tightens, and my throat closes further. I can't breathe — I can't even draw a proper breath.
Perhaps I deserve to accept this gladly, too. I can't even explain myself. The instant I speak the truth... the squad members who know about me will be executed. Without even the chance to drown in my pain, I simply stare blankly at Armi.
But the sight of me staring emptily only makes Armi's rage burn hotter.
"Squad Leader... can you still call yourself human like this? Are people's lives that funny to you?"
"Ugh... I never, not once, thought anything like— gahk..."
"More will come, won't they... Another medic this time too... no, another sacrifice, right? That's what they are to you, aren't they?"
"Th-that's..."
"It's true, isn't it."
"...Yeah."
"You and your trash worth protecting..."
"Yeah..."
I had no choice but to keep agreeing under Armi's crushing pressure. At my answer, Armi glares at me as if she could kill me. Celica, standing behind her, stares at me like I'm an insect — then turns her eyes to Armi.
That's right. It can't be helped, can it. I simply stayed still.
It happened in an instant. Seeing my resigned demeanor, Armi's expression twists further.
"Squad Leader... let me just hit you. Once."
"Yeah... if it would ease your anger, Armi, then gladly..."
At my answer, Armi clenches her fist tight. And just as I expected, she swings it. My eyes squeeze shut before I know it.
But... no pain comes.
I cautiously open my eyes... to find Celica, who lunged in in a flash, blocking Armi's fist.
"Armi, that's enough... for now."
"Enough? Seriously? Let go of me, Celica...!"
"What happens if this turns into insubordination? You know perfectly well what happens if that Squad Leader twists the story against us..."
"No, that... even so...!"
"The big battle is over already. Let's think it over back at base."
"Haa..."
Celica looks at Armi and continues quietly.
"And... we're right in front of Layla. Okay?"
"F-fine... fine, I get it...!"
Armi reluctantly lets go. And I could only watch as the two of them wrangled over me.
The moment Armi's hand releases my throat, I crumple onto the mud. Struggling to lift myself, I look up at the two of them.
"U-um..."
But Celica stares at me with utter contempt.
"Haa... Squad Leader... just stay quiet, please... I'm begging you..."
"Yeah... I'm sorry..."
Apologizing was all I could do. No matter how they saw me... I was simply sorry. Armi looking at me with revulsion... even Celica regarding me with contempt — I could endure all of it.
Ignoring even my apology, they leave me where I lie... and Armi and Celica walk over to Layla's cold body. Both of them weep, and for a long while neither says a word, simply touching Layla's remains. Then Armi gently gathers Layla into her arms... and walks out of the trench, step by heavy step.
Celica follows in silence.
Watching the two of them warily... I clutch my aching abdomen and somehow manage to rise. Then, keeping my distance, I follow behind them.
Armi lays Layla's body down beside her and picks up a shovel. Without a word, she begins to dig. Celica, silent as well, lifts a shovel beside her.
As the two of them take turns casting out the earth... a pit deep enough to bury Layla has been carved before long.
Armi gathers Layla into her arms once more. With a grief-stricken expression... she gently lowers her into the pit. Then, in silence, she picks up the shovel again.
One shovel of earth. And another. Little by little, the soil piles up over Layla's body.
I could only watch from afar. Someone like me has no right to mourn alongside them. All I could do... was stare blankly at the two of them sending Layla off.
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