Post-Play Guilt?
The day had begun with ordinary exhaustion, yet the moment Jian stepped through the front door, a strange heaviness settled in her chest. Her body felt drained, as if every muscle had been pulled taut and left limp. She kicked off her shoes in the entryway, the sound echoing softly, but the effort of peeling off her work clothes suddenly seemed too much. Why bother? Her limbs moved on their own, heavy and slow, guiding her straight to the bed.
She sank onto the mattress, the sheets cool against her skin, and let her thoughts drift. The entire experience still hummed beneath her skin like a live wire. Everything had been so new—the first time she had tried this, the first time she had let someone shape her so completely. The deepthroat, the cum-swallowing, the relentless use of her body as nothing more than a vessel. And yet, underneath the thrill, a quiet doubt had taken root. Had she truly wanted it? Or had something else been at work?
Lying there in the dim light, Jian’s eyelids grew heavier. Sleep claimed her before she could sort through the tangle of feelings, pulling her under like a tide.
The following Saturday evening, she found herself standing in front of the towering glass doors of the SM bar in Samseong Station. The air inside already carried that unmistakable scent—leather, sweat, and expensive perfume. Jian pushed open the heavy entrance and was greeted by a cheerful voice.
“Welcome~”
“Thank you,” she answered automatically, the habit of polite speech still so natural.
The bartender smiled, eyes sparkling with amusement. “You look a little tired, but a Peach Crush will do you good. And since you’re here, I’m charging you for a free drink too.”
Jian handed over her card without protest. “Thank you.”
She carried the tall glass to her seat and opened her KakaoTalk. A quick message appeared on screen.
Her reply came almost instantly.
Minutes later the Peach Crush arrived, ice clinking softly. Jian had barely taken a sip when a familiar voice cut through the music.
“Jian! It’s been ages!”
“Sister~ I haven’t seen your face in forever… I’m so sorry,” Jian replied, cheeks warming.
She stood and embraced the older woman, inhaling the familiar scent of vanilla and cigarette smoke. SM Bar Sister—her friend who always dressed like she had just stepped out of a romance novel—sat down with a grin and immediately ordered another Peach Crush.
“You’re drinking slowly tonight?”
“Work’s been crazy. I barely have time to come here anymore,” Jian admitted with a laugh. “But I really missed you.”
“Same here. A few months since the last time. You look good, though.”
“Thanks. You too. How’s the rest of the community?”
Their conversation flowed easily, the kind of easy camaraderie only people who truly understood each other could share. They laughed about mutual friends, traded stories about bad dates, and even complained about the latest office drama. For a while, everything felt normal again.
Then the memory surfaced like a bruise Jian hadn’t noticed.
“Oh, right, Sister… I tried something new recently.”
“No way! You didn’t do it without me, did you?”
“What? No, haha. It was… intense.”
“Spill. Who was it?”
“I—I don’t even know how to explain it.”
“Come on. I know everything. What happened?”
Jian hesitated, then the words came tumbling out. The deepthroat that had left her throat raw, the way her Master had made her swallow every drop, the humiliation that had felt both unbearable and impossible to stop. She told her everything—every degrading word, every overwhelming sensation.
SM Bar Sister’s eyes widened. “Wait—deepthroat? Jian? You actually choked on it?!”
“Sister, that’s not what I meant—wait, yes, it was! It was terrifying and… I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“Aigoo, the perfect gentleman all these years turned into a complete slut for one night?”
“I was shocked too. I’ve never even done anything like that before.”
“So… did you like it?”
Jian stared at her glass. “That’s the problem. I’m not sure. It was so new, so different from anything I’ve ever tried. But now I keep wondering… is this really what I want?”
“You ever feel totally disgusted afterward?”
“No. Not really. It was confusing. Like part of me was terrified, but another part…” Jian trailed off, cheeks burning.
“What part?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I just want to understand if this is me or if it’s… something else.”
“Well, if you’ve already tried it and it felt good, that’s a pretty good sign it’s you. Your Master probably knows exactly what he’s doing.”
“Maybe.” Jian smiled weakly. “He’s very skilled at what he does.”
“Speaking of skilled… you should introduce me to this guy. My poor pussy is dying for a real dom!”
“Sister, stop!”
They dissolved into giggles, the kind of easy, teasing friendship that made Jian feel almost like herself again. The bar eventually closed, and they walked out into the cool night air.
“Let’s go, Sister.”
“See you soon, okay?”
“Same to you.”
After hugging goodbye, Jian hurried home, stripped off her clothes, and stepped into the shower. The hot water washed away the tension of the day, but the thoughts remained.
She had been back to her ordinary life for a full month now. Yet something felt different. The moment she had told SM Bar Sister the truth, Jian realized she hadn’t actually felt any real disgust. Only confusion. The experience still lingered like a half-remembered dream—sharp, vivid, and impossible to shake.
After drying off, she climbed back into bed and let herself drift again. Her mind kept returning to the same place: her Master’s novel and the stories he had written about her. She opened the document on her computer and reread the scene where he described her on her knees, tears streaming, completely broken. The words sent a shiver through her that she couldn’t ignore.
Curiosity, that strange new thing inside her, pushed her to open a new tab. She typed his pen name into Google and searched for “hard degrading roleplay.” The results flooded in—videos, forum threads, entire websites dedicated to exactly this flavor of fantasy.
She started with the most popular keyword. The first video that caught her eye showed a woman on her knees, mouth filled, then a thick cola poured down her throat until it overflowed, mixing with everything that had come before. Jian’s stomach twisted—part horror, part something darker. The description matched her Master’s writing perfectly. He must have been inspired by something like this.
“This is… dangerous, isn’t it?” she whispered to the empty room.
Her body responded with a heat she didn’t expect. She clicked the next video.
This one was even more explicit. A woman bent over, ass spread, and a man urinated directly into her. The yellow stream shot out with unmistakable force. Jian’s breath caught. She had never seen anything like it—live, unfiltered, real.
She moved her hand down without thinking, fingers sliding inside the thin fabric of her panties. They were already soaked. The shame made her cheeks burn, but she couldn’t stop. She kept watching, scrolling through more videos, until the final one appeared.
A woman tied spread-eagle, face up, while the man pissed directly into her open mouth. She gagged and shook, tears streaming, but the humiliation only seemed to excite her. Then he switched to a dildo, fucking her hard while she was still leaking. Jian’s hand moved faster, rubbing herself frantically.
“Haa… ahh… ahh…”
The orgasm hit her like a wave—sudden, overwhelming, her body arching off the bed as she clenched around her own fingers. When it finally passed, she lay there panting, the mess between her legs cooling on the sheets. Guilt flickered for a moment. What had she just done? But the image of her Master’s writing kept flashing behind her eyelids.
She grabbed her phone and opened the chat with him. One month had passed since their last message. The conversation from that day still sat exactly where she had left it—unread, untouched.
Uuu… what do I do…? What do I do…?
Her fingers hovered over the keyboard. The thought of sending a message made her heart race. Should she apologize? Apologize for enjoying it too much? Or did she actually want to know more?
She kept staring at the blinking cursor, guilt and something else twisting together inside her. The videos had changed everything. For the first time, she understood exactly what she was craving—and it terrified her.