Mama's Conditions
"So the Fox God told you to live with me for a bit?"
"Yeah. Said she'd be gone for about a week to ten days and that I should stick with you."
"You've been glued to her this whole time — why the sudden change? Did the note say why?"
"Just that it's for my safety. No detailed reason written down or anything."
I answered while crunching through the late-night fried chicken we'd ordered. My bro set his piece down, thought it over for a second, then nodded.
"Ten days, huh... If I take a long vacation, it should be doable."
"You sure? You can just burn vacation days on something like this?"
I tilted my head. He drained his beer can and let out a sigh.
"My one and only best friend is in danger — you think I'm just gonna sit on my ass? Besides, I've been thinking about taking a break anyway. I've been working myself to death lately."
My bro looked exhausted as he chewed on a wing, then eyed my lush, fluffy tails and licked his lips.
"Hang on — so while we're living together, those fox tails are basically mine?"
"The hell are you talking about? These are my tails, not yours."
"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm gonna be watching your ass for nearly ten days and you can't even give me that? Cheap-ass bastard."
"If you're so jealous, go get TS'd yourself. And do you have any idea how much work these tails take? Two full hours a day, every single day."
Did he really think tails this lush just stayed soft and fluffy and pillowy with zero maintenance?
Sure, they were fluffy and soft and gorgeous by default. But without proper care? They were just dog fur. Straight-up dog fur. All of this was the result of actual work.
He wasn't even going to help with the grooming, and he still wanted to treat them like his personal property. Shameless bastard.
I glared at him with pure murder in my eyes. He flinched and immediately changed the subject.
"Anyway — what are you planning for the first-anniversary stream? Got anything lined up?"
"Would I? I only signed the contract today."
"Come on, you've gotta have something in mind. Can't you at least give me a hint?"
He begged with a face full of pure curiosity. Too tired to fight it, I gave him the rough outline.
"I'm going to show those pedo bastards screaming about 'loli mamas' what a real mama looks like. That's been the plan from the start."
"...Are you out of your goddamn mind? You're going to kick the biggest hornet's nest on your first-anniversary stream? Have you finally lost it?"
I'd lost it?
No. Absolutely not.
The ones who'd lost it were the pedo bastards calling someone way younger than them "mama."
I planted a hand on my hip and declared it with full confidence.
"What, you think I'm going to fail?"
"Isn't that obvious? Even some of the illustrators they call masters got absolutely dogpiled for drawing Celina as a 'real mama.' And you — a perfectly average illustrator who doesn't even come close to master level — think you're going to pull it off?"
He snorted like the whole thing was absurd, then launched into an explanation of what made that character hot.
"Celina is a perfect character just as she is! That tiny, childlike body — but with the maturity of a mother who embraces everything! That gap moe is what makes her so fucking hot! When you run up to her all clingy, she gets flustered at first, then smiles like a mother and offers you her little tail as a pillow — do you even understand how charming that is?"
"No idea, you freak. The 'tiny childlike body' alone is an instant disqualification."
Gap moe, my ass. He was just giving a long-winded confession that he was a pedo furry.
But wait — didn't this guy used to be into glamorous builds? I distinctly remembered his gallery being packed with curvy furry pics the last time I checked.
How the hell had he fallen this far into pedo territory? Was it really because of this bizarre loli character named Celina?
I stared at him like he was irredeemable garbage. He looked back at me with deadly seriousness.
"Hey, stop looking at me like I'm a pedo. I'm not actually a pedo, okay? Nothing else does it for me — just Celina. Only her."
"Feeling sexual attraction toward a kid is pedophilia, you idiot. You just said a loli gets you rock-hard and then claimed you're not a pedo. How the hell am I supposed to process that?"
"Celina isn't a kid, she's a mama! She's way older than us!"
"You draw a ten-year-old elementary schooler and call her a forty-year-old ajumma and you think people are just gonna nod along, you fucking moron?!"
CLANG!!!!!
I yanked a frying pan out from under the bed and smashed it across his skull, then launched into a lecture on the Principles of Mama Studies.
"Listen up, lolicon. I'm about to teach you what a true mama is."
"I told you, I'm not a pedo—"
"Shut up! The second you got horny over a kid's body type, you were out. Done. Finished."
I grabbed my tablet, rapidly sketched a voluptuous female figure, and pointed at it with the pen.
"Mama Condition Number One: it all starts with these magnificent tits! Full, beautiful breasts give you a sense of security when you're held. You think those pathetic flat pancakes could make anyone feel safe? Not a chance in hell!"
"...My mom was flat-chested, though."
"That explains why you never felt secure a day in your life."
"You fucking bitch—!"
He tried to explode at me, but pedos don't get to be angry, so I steamrolled right over him.
"Next! These childbearing hips! Every animal has an instinct to return to where it came from — the homing instinct, they call it... Now look!"
I drew a pair of childbearing hips next to a pair of straight blocky ones and asked him,
"Which one's hotter?"
"Obviously the childbearing ones, but this is kind of a different—"
"No! It's not different! To put it crudely, you feel the homing instinct because the baby-house was excellent and cozy! Therefore, childbearing hips are also a Condition of Mama!"
"My head hurts... please stop..."
He pressed a hand to his forehead like his sexual preferences were slowly being dragged back toward normal. Sensing my chance, I started on the third condition—
"And Condition Number Three is—"
"I said stop already, you rabid fox bastard! You're gonna give me a mental illness!"
SMACK!!!
"Kyeeeng!!!"
Under the merciless violence of his fists, I had no choice but to shut up.
...Coward. Losing the argument so he pulls out his fists.
I swore I would fix his twisted taste for lolis. No matter what it took. Absolutely.
I was sitting there with a pout, rubbing the top of my head where he'd smacked me, when he took a deep breath, calmed himself down, and asked me a serious question.
"But you're not actually gonna pull that shit on the anniversary stream, right? The Celina fandom is insanely thick across all genders — you poke them the wrong way and you will genuinely go to hell."
"Even if I go to hell, some things have to be done. I can tolerate a lot, but a loli being called 'mama' is where I draw the line."
"And how exactly? I already told you illustration won't cut it. I know you draw hot stuff, but you're still a full step behind the master-class illustrators and you know it. Just look at this for a second."
He pulled out his phone and showed me pieces by some of the most renowned illustrators, trying to talk me down.
"Yeah, they're well drawn. By the standards of your little 'Mama Studies,' they definitely qualify as 'mama.' But."
Next, he showed me the flood of hate comments under those same illustrations.
The positive comments were a tiny minority. The rest of the comment section had been completely overrun by the toxic Celina fandom, swarming with hate.
Even art that well-drawn and that hot got buried in hate comments. So what would happen if I redrew a loli-mama character as a "real mama" on a first-anniversary stream?
I might even get death threats.
A fanbase that rabid — no different from a cult of true believers — there was no telling what they might do.
I scrolled through more illustrations by other artists and slowly savored the hate piled under each one. My bro sighed and opened his mouth again.
"Messing with Celina is a genuinely terrible idea. Just pick a different character! There's a werewolf, there's a catwoman, there's a ton of other hot ones — why does it have to be Celina?"
"Funny how every single character you just named is a furry, you bastard."
"Ah. Got caught."
He scratched his head sheepishly and looked away. I handed my phone back to him with a smile.
"I've got a good idea."
"What kind of idea? Don't tell me you're gonna draw freaky fetish shit on an official stream."
"Are you insane? My stream may be unhinged, but I just got paid a fat contract fee — I'm not about to pull that, you idiot."
I gave his shiny balding head a nice, solid smack and showed him my phone screen.
"I'm going to do this."
"Oh... yeah. With this, you might actually pull it off."
Apparently my choice was a good one — he took one look and let out a genuine sound of admiration.