The Hidden Craving
The last weekend of April. It was a Sunday, the start of a long holiday. With no particular plans, Jaeho had eaten a late breakfast and was now sprawled on the living room sofa, killing time. After finishing the morning dishes, Minji came over and sat beside him. A faint, clean scent of soap drifted from her.
“Here you go, honey.”
“Thanks.”
Minji had brought him a warm cup of donggulle tea. The heat from the mug seeped into his palms.
Ever since the incident on Friday, something had been weighing on Jaeho’s mind.
“Hey, Minji. About that conversation we had before…”
“What is it, honey?”
Minji lifted her own cup, clearly ready to listen attentively.
“You mentioned a friend once… whose husband gave permission for her to… you know, have an affair. Or rather, to practice netorase.”
Jaeho recalled the word netorase, a perverse inclination that felt both taboo and strangely, secretly thrilling. It was an absurd fantasy, but if he were to allow Minji to be held by another man… would he actually become aroused? That dark thought flickered through his mind. At the same time, a chill ran down his spine at the fear that doing such a thing would destroy their marriage completely.
“Yeah, I did. Wait… are you actually interested in it?”
Minji’s gaze seemed to pierce straight through him.
“No, it’s not like that.”
Jaeho shook his head hurriedly.
“I was just thinking, wow, there really are couples like that. So, how’s their relationship? They don’t fight or anything? I’d think something like that would usually lead to divorce.”
“They get along incredibly well. They really seem like a couple who trust each other deeply. In one sense it’s a betrayal, but because of that, they say it actually lets them confirm their love for each other even more.”
“Hmm, I see.”
Jaeho answered half-heartedly, still unable to fully understand. Confirming love through betrayal? It was a logic he simply couldn’t imagine.
“So… does that mean you’re actually…”
Minji probed again, testing the waters.
“No, I’m not interested. The thought of you being with another man… I hate it. Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn.”
Jaeho paused for a moment and pictured it. Minji’s naked body held in another man’s arms. Along with disgust came a strange, forbidden thrill that tightened around his heart. No, he definitely wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“That husband… apparently he enjoys the pain. And he says the sense of relief he feels when his wife comes back to him is incredibly good too.”
“Is that how it works? I still don’t really get it.”
It was something Jaeho didn’t even want to imagine, but suddenly a completely different story came to mind.
“Now that I think about it, I remember a mountaineer saying something similar. Hiking is so exhausting and painful it feels like you’re going to die. But when asked why he climbs, he said it’s because the relief he feels when he finally comes down is so overwhelming that he can’t resist it.”
He couldn’t remember who had said it, but the words had stayed tucked away in a corner of his memory.
“Hmm, maybe it’s like that. I’ve never done any dangerous hiking, so I wouldn’t know. But once you experience danger, you learn to appreciate safety. Is that the idea?”
“Could be.”
For now, Jaeho could vaguely understand the mountaineer’s words. Perhaps it was the sense of liberation that followed extreme suffering.
“But hiking is actually dangerous. One wrong step and you could die. So maybe netorase is safer in comparison?”
Minji’s logic was sound, yet Jaeho still couldn’t understand or accept the idea of netorase.
“Are you… really starting to get curious?”
Minji asked persistently. Her eyes sparkled with a mix of playfulness and genuine interest.
“I’m not interested at all. So what about you, Minji?”
After being asked so many times, Jaeho finally turned the question back on her.
“Well… after hearing my friend’s story, I can’t say I have zero interest. But I don’t think I actually want to do it. There are huge obstacles and risks, after all. Still… if you asked me to try it, and there was a suitable partner… I might consider it.”
Minji set her cup down and spoke calmly. The weight of her words pressed down on Jaeho’s chest.
“Forget it. I have no intention of asking you to do anything like that, and I can’t even think of anyone suitable. So that kind of thing will never happen.”
Jaeho drew a firm line.
“I suppose you’re right.”
Minji took a sip of tea. Her expression was serene, but even though he had been the one to bring it up, Jaeho couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling lingering in the back of his mind.
Tuesday was a public holiday, so Jaeho had the day off as well. It felt like a waste to stay cooped up at home on such a rare break, so he and Minji decided to go shopping. It had been a while since they’d gone out together, just the two of them. They wandered around a large nearby shopping complex without anything specific to buy, simply browsing through various stores. It was just window shopping, but simply walking hand in hand brought them small, quiet joy.
“Oh my.”
“Huh?”
They happened to run into some familiar faces. It was Gyeongsu and Sujin, a couple Jaeho knew well, along with their daughter Seoyun. Come to think of it, Sujin was around Jaeho’s age or maybe a year younger, while Gyeongsu seemed a bit older than him.
“Hello.”
“Hello! Are you two on a date?”
Sujin greeted them brightly.
“Yeah, something like that. Looks like you are too.”
“If we stay home, our daughter gets bored, so we had no choice but to come out.”
Gyeongsu said with a smile.
“With such a pretty daughter, of course you would. Hi there, Seoyun.”
Minji crouched down to the child’s eye level and spoke gently.
“Well, see you later.”
Since the child seemed bored, they exchanged brief greetings and parted ways with Gyeongsu’s family.
“They seem like a really close couple. They must be older than us, too.”
Jaeho watched the couple’s retreating backs as they walked away hand in hand, even with a child between them.
“I guess so.”
“I want us to stay that close forever, too.”
“You think? Well… yeah.”
For some reason, Minji’s reply felt unsatisfying. It seemed like she had something more she wanted to say.
“Is something wrong?”
Jaeho asked, growing concerned.
“Well… it’s just, this isn’t really the place to talk about it…”
It looked like the topic was something others shouldn’t overhear. Minji glanced around, signaling she was looking for a quieter spot. Not knowing what it could be only made Jaeho more curious. Wanting to hear the full story, he led them into a nearby café and sat down in a secluded corner.
“So, what is it?”
When Jaeho asked, Minji didn’t lower her voice. Instead, she spoke in her usual tone, but with a meaningful look in her eyes.
“Gyeongsu and Sujin seem really close, right? There’s nothing wrong with them. But remember when I told you about that incredibly close couple? That’s them.”
With just those words, Jaeho immediately understood what Minji was trying to say. And honestly, it wasn’t something that needed to be whispered. The couple he had heard about before—the one who practiced netorase, where the husband allowed his wife to sleep with other men—was none other than Sujin and Gyeongsu, the pair they had just run into.
“I see. So that’s how it is.”
They looked so ordinary and affectionate. It was hard for Jaeho to believe that Sujin was sleeping with other men and that Gyeongsu knew about it and allowed it. Now that he thought about it, he realized he and Gyeongsu were similar in height and build; they might even look a bit alike at first glance.
“Yes, it’s true.”
Minji nodded without the slightest hesitation, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. It seemed that practicing something like netorase didn’t necessarily destroy a marriage after all. Jaeho wanted to know more about their situation, but he couldn’t exactly ask them directly.
“So… that’s how it is.”
Jaeho could only repeat the same words. His mind was a tangled mess.
That night, as usual, Jaeho lay in bed beside Minji. He was tired and had planned to fall asleep right away.
“Hey, Minji. We ran into Gyeongsu and Sujin earlier today.”
The thought had been bothering him all day.
“Just asking, but… if I said it was okay to try netorase, what would you do?”
He remembered asking something similar before.
“Well… I’m not completely uninterested. If you really wanted to, I might say it’s okay to try.”
As expected, Minji didn’t refuse. It sounded like she would accept it if Jaeho wanted it. Of course, she probably thought he never would.
“But we’d need a partner first. Is there any man you’d actually be interested in? Of course I’d have a say in it too, so I wouldn’t just agree to anyone.”
“That makes sense. There probably isn’t anyone around you that you’d trust enough to ask openly like that.”
Jaeho suddenly thought of a face, but he didn’t say it out loud. Still, the way Minji looked into his eyes seemed to be saying something.
“Good night.”
After a light kiss, Jaeho closed his eyes.
As expected, Hyunwoo hadn’t closed a single contract by the end of April, nor had he even found a promising lead. In fact, he hadn’t even managed to meet with any clients willing to properly hear him out.
“Um… I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Hyunwoo looked far more dejected than before. His shoulders were slumped, and there was no energy left in his voice.
“It’s only been a month. It’s just getting started. If you put your mind to it, you can do it.”
“No, sir. I… I don’t think I’m cut out for this job.”
Hyunwoo looked like he was truly ready to quit the company. As his senior, Jaeho wanted to keep him from leaving if at all possible.
“Let’s grab a drink tomorrow. You’ll feel better after a few glasses.”
“You think so?”
Hyunwoo didn’t look particularly enthusiastic, but he agreed to have drinks with Jaeho before the holiday ended.
Jaeho headed straight home after that and had dinner with Minji. During the meal, he eventually brought up Hyunwoo.
“Hyunwoo seems really down. At this rate, he might actually quit.”
“Oh no… that’s such a shame.”
Minji agreed.
“He’s got real potential. Right now it’s just bad luck. If he holds on a little longer, he’ll definitely start seeing results. It’d be a waste for him to quit now. Tomorrow I’ll take it slow over drinks, listen to him, and try to cheer him up. I might be home a bit late.”
“Okay. I think Hyunwoo is a really good young man too. Take your time comforting him and lifting his spirits. I wish there was something I could do to help as well.”
Jaeho caught a subtle shift in Minji’s tone, something different from usual.
“Minji… by any chance…”
“What is it, honey?”
Minji looked at him with a somewhat provocative expression, as if urging him to continue. Her eyes sparkled with mischief.
“Minji… this might sound crazy, and you can just ignore it if you want… but are you thinking of Hyunwoo as… a potential partner for netorase?”
Almost as if pushed by her, Jaeho finally asked the question. His voice trembled slightly.
“Hmm. I hadn’t thought about it until you mentioned it… but I suppose it’s not entirely impossible. So, what do you think? The fact that you’re asking… does that mean you’ve been thinking about it too?”
“I…”
Jaeho hesitated, unsure how to answer. His heart beat anxiously.
“I… hate the idea of you being held by another man. Just imagining it happening makes me miserable. But… if it wouldn’t destroy our marriage and could actually make it deeper… maybe I could accept it. Plus, to give Hyunwoo some confidence, it might be more effective than anything I could say to encourage him… and if you’re not completely against it… I might… end up asking you…”
“I see…”
There was no trace of disgust or contempt on Minji’s face. She simply smiled softly. That smile only made Jaeho more uneasy.
“I wouldn’t mind helping Hyunwoo regain his confidence. As long as you’re the one asking me to do it.”
“Tonight… I’ll think about it carefully.”
It was all Jaeho could say.
That night, no matter how much he thought about it, Jaeho couldn’t find an answer. His mind was a complete tangle. But soon, he had no choice but to admit that the very fact he was agonizing over it meant he had already reached a conclusion deep down. He felt disgusted with himself for the cowardly mix of desire and shame swirling inside him.
And finally, Jaeho told Minji of his decision. His voice was hoarse, and he couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes.