Evening
A little more time passed, and as noona let out a tiny yawn, looking worn through, I asked her quietly.
"Should we go to bed?"
"Mm... shall we lie down?"
It must have been around eight in the evening. We always ate dinner early for her sake—she still hadn't fully recovered—and around this hour her eyes would start to drift shut, heavy with exhaustion.
I unfolded the blankets I'd folded so neatly and closed the window so the bugs wouldn't get in. The bedding was always laid out close by, not far from where noona sat leaning back. Once her body was well again, I thought I might buy us a proper bed. Aside from a hospital room, my sister had never slept in one.
The gentle breeze died as I shut the window. I walked over to her and, as I always did, lifted her into my arms. I laid her down carefully on the blankets and slipped a pillow under her head.
I'd been thinking it might be time we started sleeping apart. But the moment she lay down, she pulled a pillow over to the space beside her. As if to ask, You're going to sleep here, right?
I sat down quietly next to her, straightening the blankets, and asked,
"...Noona. How long are you planning to keep sleeping with me?"
It wasn't as if we'd always shared a bed. I'd started sleeping beside her in case she needed the bathroom in the middle of the night. And because I was afraid something else might happen—just in case. I'd phrased it a little indirectly, thinking she might be embarrassed if I said it outright. Apparently she'd taken it some other way.
"...Ah, um... you don't want to sleep with me...?"
"...It's not that. Doesn't it bother you, though?"
"......I like sleeping together......"
People say gender doesn't mean anything between a brother and sister... but no. I shook my head sharply before another strange thought could take root.
My eyes had adjusted to the dark. Moonlight filled the room, bright and clear, and noona was so distinctly drawn inside that glow that when she broke the silence, her voice came out faint and frayed.
"If you don't want to, just tell me anytime... it's okay."
"It's not that. It's just... we're adults now."
"......Wait, that...... ah, yeah..."
Her lips kept moving as if she had something to say, but in the end she swallowed the words. As if even she could sense that something about this was a little strange.
I didn't know how she'd taken it, but that was where I stood. The thought of putting my own sister's body into words made me deeply uncomfortable... but honestly, those curves weren't something I could just pretend meant nothing.
If I needed an excuse that wasn't quite an excuse—noona had pretty bad sleeping habits. She'd tangle her arms around me, or run her hands over my chest. Or bury her face in the nape of my neck, murmuring my name. And because it was summer, she was in thin clothes, pressing herself against me—so I was always losing sleep.
At first I'd been so startled I'd tried to wake her. But once I realized she was talking in her sleep, I let it go. I didn't want to disturb her rest. And I couldn't bring it up anyway—what if she got the wrong idea?
In the end, there was only one option left to me. Fall asleep before she did.
I laid back, resting my head on the pillow, and felt her gaze as she laboriously turned onto her side. Staring at me. Like someone who had something to say.
"...Noona, what is it?"
"Uh, huh? No... I just... this position is more comfortable..."
"I'll sleep first. Wake me if you need anything."
"......Huh? You're going to sleep... already?"
Did she have something she wanted to talk about? We often chatted before bed as it was. ...Still, the truth was I wanted to fall asleep before her tonight. I hadn't let it show, but I hadn't been sleeping well at all lately.
I turned to face the ceiling and let the words out quietly.
"Is there something you wanted to say?"
"Mm... weelll......"
I couldn't see her, but I was sure she was fidgeting, pressing down on her lower lip. She always hesitated like that whenever she had something to ask of me.
Before long, her voice reached me, quiet.
"Sehyun... did you ever date anyone in school?"
"......No."
...A question I hadn't expected at all. I wondered what had possessed her to ask something like that—then her next words wiped the question from my mind.
"...I'm a little worried you won't be able to because of me."
"Why would that be because of you?"
"......We're out in the countryside... and there's nobody here, is there?"
"I'm not thinking about dating yet. Once you're healthy and you get married, it wouldn't even be too late to start then."
"Uh, um, ...married? Me?"
Her voice wavered, as if the word itself had caught her off guard. I turned my head slightly. She kept blinking, but her eyes were fixed on me, glittering in the moonlight.
"Honestly, someone like you wouldn't have any trouble attracting a guy."
"Euh......"
I'd thought that was a fairly straightforward observation. Of course it wasn't the kind of thing you casually said to your sister. But her self-esteem was so low—saying it once couldn't hurt, could it? Eventually the time would come when we'd each go find our own happiness. So I hoped she could forget the past and hold her head a little higher.
"You never dated either, right? You were always working."
"......Yeah, but......"
Her voice faded as she caught her breath. After a moment, she murmured something far quieter than before.
"I might not... need it."
"...You never know. But when you decide, tell me too."
"......Why would you want that...?"
"Why? There are things only a guy would know."
The most useful thing I'd picked up in the military, I supposed. ......A man's face never lies.
Her hands, clutching the thin blanket, caught my eye, so I gently pulled it up for her. She drew it all the way to her lips and then, in a quiet voice:
"I... like things the way they are now."
"......We can't stay like this forever, though."
"Being with me... you don't like it......?"
It was the same kind of answer she always gave. I let out a thin breath and went on.
"...Noona, stop talking like that. Why do you think I'm doing all this?"
"......Uh, I'm sorry..."
"Because I worry about you. Because I'm sorry. And because I'm grateful."
My tone had been a little sharp, but I wasn't angry. It was more like frustration bleeding through. Only after I'd said it all did I wonder if I'd been too harsh, and a belated guilt crept in. I let out a sigh too small for her to hear, then continued.
"So don't feel sorry toward me. If you have something to say, just say it."
"......Okay."
That was her answer, after a brief silence. She'd say okay every time, and then tomorrow she'd be apologizing again. Maybe for now it was still better if I was the one to carefully draw things out of her. No matter what we talked about, her voice still shrank back—she hadn't been able to erase the past. ...Maybe she was just as frustrated as I was.
"If you tell me not to go, I won't go anywhere. Of course I'll stay beside you until you're better."
"......Mm."
"So eat properly."
"...Mm."
"And don't hesitate when you need to ask me for something."
"......Mm, ...um—"
I'd expected the usual okay to come out. Instead she looked like she was trying to get something past her lips, and it caught me off guard. I turned my gaze from the ceiling back to her. She still had the blanket covering her mouth, her eyes focused on me.
"I, I... then... I have a request......"
"Tell me. Anything."
"......Um, uh... my hair......"
"...Your hair?"
At my question, she pulled the blanket up to just below her eyes. A long moment passed before she continued, her voice barely crawling out.
"......"
...What was I supposed to say to that.
It didn't seem like the kind of request siblings usually made. But then I thought of when we were little, how noona used to hold me and stroke my hair...... and maybe it wasn't that strange after all. I didn't know. Maybe there was no need to look for meaning in it. For all I knew, she'd said it without thinking much of it.
In the end I pushed the hesitation aside and slowly sat up. She flinched at the movement, her body giving a little jolt.
I gently rested my hand by her head, and the fingers clutching the edge of the blanket tightened. Fine wrinkles gathered along her fingertips as she pulled it up so high I wondered if she could even see. Watching her like that, I slowly ran my hand down through her hair.
Was I even doing this right? I'd never stroked anyone's hair before, so I had no idea. And I'd never imagined noona would be the first.
But after a while, her breathing seemed to settle—the blanket covering her chest rose and fell in a gentle rhythm. And so, without a word, with the chirping of insects in the grass as our only backdrop, I quietly stroked her hair.
Her half-lidded eyes sank closed, little by little. Each time, she'd open them again, as if she didn't want to fall asleep—over and over. Five minutes, maybe. Then, with only the faint sound of her breathing, she stopped opening her eyes. She'd fallen asleep.
I took my hand from her hair, looked down at her for a moment, then lay down myself. ...Maybe this kind of thing wasn't so bad, now and then. The faint droop at the corners of her eyes spoke of peace.
I let the soft, even sound of her breathing fill my ears and slowly closed my eyes. Living on her sleep schedule like this, I could fall asleep without much trouble even at such an early hour. Though tonight, that wasn't the only reason. I hadn't been sleeping properly lately, so my eyelids were twice as heavy as usual.
And so more time passed. The thoughts circling in my head gradually stilled, and as my consciousness grew hazy, the day slipped away.
"......"
"...Sehyun, are you asleep......?"
"......"
The steady, even breathing of her little brother, sleeping soundly.
"......You are asleep...... right?"
A careful whisper, with no intention of waking him.
A brief stillness. Then the soft rustle of blanket against fabric, of clothes shifting against clothes, carried on through the quiet night.