Today
Se-ah still hadn't uttered a single word.
Maybe it was better to say she couldn't speak.
The inner flame had dimmed, and there was no longer any driving force left to melt away for the future.
While cleaning the messy house, I occasionally checked Se-ah's face, wet with sweat and tears. I called around real estate agencies nearby, looking for a house for the first time in my life. Even so, my eyes kept darting toward the front door, an anxiety that the door lock sound from my memories might ring out again. I just wanted, for as long as Se-ah and I were leaving this house, that my ugly face wouldn't be seen.
It was a painful truth, but if what Se-ah had said about having a lot of money was true, no one would open that door for a while. I didn't know either that I had completed my military service. I might not even know that I had gone to the army. But a pointless worry crept in, to the point where I was tempted to sign a contract for a house located quite far from here.
I couldn't act on it, though. It was practically impossible to drag Se-ah, who couldn't speak properly and couldn't stand on her own, along with me. So, first, I had to recover Se-ah. Every time her emaciated arms came into view, my heart felt like it was being torn apart, but I had to endure it.
After somewhat organizing the house, I gave Se-ah a small voice. "I'll buy some food to eat." Of course, there was no answer. Only her deeply lowered eyelids barely moved. It was a cruel reality.
From the mart, I bought a simple meal, barely cleaned the sink full of bugs. I stuffed the empty refrigerator with ingredients and instant products. Of course, I couldn't use those ingredients right away. White porridge. The only thing in it besides rice and water was a thin, white gruel. The best I could think of to feed Se-ah right now, since I had no cooking or health knowledge.
I just wanted to feed her something, even if it was just a little, and make her talk. Even once, I wanted to hear Se-ah's voice. In a situation where I might have called an ambulance and given her an IV drip if necessary, selfishly, I didn't. If she got hospitalized, it seemed like this precious minute would be pushed back again. So, I tried this much, and then I would take Se-ah to the hospital. After that, I would look for a house and escape this hellish place. It might be a small hope. A hope that even without going to the hospital, Se-ah would be okay. A wish that it would end with just short-term pain.
The door to Se-ah's room, left open for ventilation. I sat next to Se-ah with a bowl of porridge scooped out and a spoon. "Sis, try eating."
"..."
No answer came. The only good thing was that she couldn't speak but could hear, perhaps. Se-ah's lips, faintly trembling, began to open with difficulty.
I scooped out just a little onto the spoon, blew on it to cool it several times, and slowly brought the spoon to Se-ah's lips. There was no big movement. She didn't open her mouth wide or lift her head. Just raising the spoon's angle to pour lukewarm porridge into her mouth was all. I worried that if I didn't, her throat might get blocked and something bad happen.
"Uh, uh, ah..."
Instead of a voice, Se-ah let out a sound as she barely expelled her breath, as if forcing her throat open. She couldn't chew properly and immediately swallowed the food. Something inside me broke again.
No words came out. I couldn't lift the spoon anymore. I set the bowl down. Just silently holding the phone. With trembling fingers, I tapped the screen three times.
Se-ah was hospitalized as is. I had expected it to some extent, but Se-ah was in the ICU. Serious malnutrition and dehydration. Various descriptors including hypoglycemia came from the doctor's mouth. The only thing I could understand with my head was low blood pressure, and there was no disease that immediately threatened her life.
She hadn't eaten for a long time, hadn't slept properly. The result of slowly breaking down while forgetting to take care of her own body. I thought the body's condition was fortunate. At least the biggest hope was that she could recover. So, the problem was the mental part. When the doctor said she couldn't judge accurately yet, a heavy sigh came out of my mouth.
First, stabilize the body, and then after additional tests, I could make an accurate diagnosis. After that, the days repeated. Once a day. Every time there was visiting hours for Se-ah, I visited and watched Se-ah who said nothing and moved nothing. Besides that, I looked for houses during the day, bought a used car that I could escape with immediately. At night, I slept in the car in the dark, and when morning came, I went to the hospital to wait for visiting hours.
How many days had I repeated like that? Proper communication was impossible. But barely, I could hear Se-ah's voice. I had wanted to hear it so much. The words I wanted to hear even if I died.
"...Sorry, Se-ah."
I hadn't been waiting to hear these words. I just wanted to see her smiling face. Don't be greedy.
About a month had passed for stability. Depression, anxiety disorder, and PTSD. The psychiatrist's judgment. When asked what the strongest stimulus was, the doctor showed a bitter expression and looked down with his eyes. 'The door lock sound.' No special words came out. Just the pain of nails digging into flesh was vaguely felt.
I deleted more than half of the houses I had been looking at. Probably the countryside would be best. A quiet countryside far from the city. No voices of people, no sound of doors closing. No door lock sound. I had no luggage to take. If something was needed, I decided to buy it new. After all, the important thing was Se-ah. I didn't want to bring anything with traces of the past to the new home, even if it meant dying.
Even though a lot of time had passed, Se-ah couldn't escape the wheelchair. The doctor's words that steady rehabilitation was necessary still lingered in my head. A small box full of medicine. Clothes I had bought at a large store before moving to the new house. Simple ingredients. And Se-ah. What I brought to the new home was just this.
The sound of worms crying. A puppy barking from far away. The sound of leaves fluttering in the wind. And occasionally, Se-ah's faint breathing sound next to my ear. For now, this was enough to satisfy me. Because I had taken one step away from the hellish reality. Because there was now the present where I could at least walk forward.
I sorted all the few belongings, and took steps to the place where I slowly laid Se-ah down. A house too wide for two people to live in. More important than the hassle of management was the sense of liberation Se-ah would feel.
"Sis, want to eat something?"
"...Hungry...?"
Se-ah, who had been barely letting out her voice, turned her head and barely gave me a glance. Every time her cracked voice, like someone not used to speaking, dug into my ears, my heart was torn. Still, I ignored it while holding hope that she would get better soon.
"No, I thought you might be hungry, Sis." Thinking about it, we didn't even know what foods the other liked. We were siblings, but all we knew was each other's painful appearance.
"...I want fruit." Se-ah's facial muscles were still stiff, not moving at all. Only her lips moved slightly to convey her wish, but it was okay. I was glad I bought apples just in case. I turned back the steps I had taken after leaving a note that I understood.
I took an apple from the refrigerator and peeled it with awkward knife cuts. It looked thin and plain, but that didn't change the taste. I placed the sliced apple on the plate and picked up a fork, then went back to Se-ah right away. When I saw myself in her sight, Se-ah's body twitched as if trying to sit up, urging me to walk faster.
I put a pillow behind her waist, wrapped her back with my arms to support her body as much as possible without strain. Whether she was reassured or perhaps it was too much effort. Se-ah released her strength as is. I felt the weight in my arms immediately, but I could never say it felt heavy. Because it was so light that I wondered if this was okay.
I held out the apple on the fork from my empty hand to her lips. I just watched silently as she opened her mouth and put the apple in. The gap was so narrow that even the finely sliced apple barely fit in, as if it was for chunks. A crisp sound once. After that, the broken apple pieces in her mouth only repeated a faint sound as if being crushed.
After a long time. Se-ah, who barely chewed and swallowed the apple, opened her mouth a little again. And repeated once more. The pieces on the fork hadn't disappeared even half. Se-ah gave a faint voice as if satisfied with this.
"...Tastes good." She barely lifted her head and gave me a glance. She didn't try to understand the meaning. Her face was still colorless and utterly dark. Just hoping that bright color of hope would overlay on that face again, I laid Se-ah down once more.
Se-ah's faded eyes were quietly looking towards me without shaking. While watching Se-ah's appearance quietly, I pushed away the past that remained in my heart. Today, we got it back. Now, I had to get back the lost things one by one.
