Lucky Bastard's Dilemma
Was he seeing someone? Did he have a girlfriend?
Ju Hana barely got the question out, then had to fight desperately to calm her pounding heart. Her mouth went bone dry from nerves, and sweat beaded on her palms and the soles of her feet.
And in the midst of all that, Kang Cheol-jin's flustered answer came:
"Uh, huh? Hana, you knew too?"
It was more than enough to plunge Ju Hana into despair. She stared blankly at him with unfocused eyes.
'So he really was dating Areum...?'
She had heard earlier from Han Saebyeok that Kang Cheol-jin and Pi Ah-reum were going out, but deep down she'd thought it couldn't be true. Because the first time she'd slept with him, he'd refused, citing the "no dating within the club" rule.
To which Ju Hana had replied, "So sex is fine, then?" and their current arrangement had awkwardly taken shape. Truthfully, the feelings she held for Kang Cheol-jin were more affection than lust, but since she'd already been turned down once, she'd been content with the way things were. And honestly, the pleasure of their bodies tangling together was so overwhelming that she couldn't dwell on anything else anyway.
But now, after all this, he had someone he was dating?
Her head spun. The shock that he had a girlfriend while secretly doing this sort of thing with another woman hit her hard, and despair crept over her at the thought that now, knowing the truth, she would have to end this arrangement.
Of course, she could keep secretly sleeping with him, but Ju Hana wasn't the kind of person who could deceive someone like that and put her own feelings first.
'How could I ever face Areum...'
Ju Hana didn't have many friends. To someone like her, the people in the club—and among them, Pi Ah-reum, who had always been the first to approach her—weren't people she could simply cut ties with.
And yet, even so, a part of her didn't want to end things with Kang Cheol-jin. Clinging to a sliver of hope, she asked:
"Does Areum... know too?"
What if, by some one-in-a-million chance, Pi Ah-reum had given her permission? A girlfriend allowing her boyfriend to sleep with another woman wasn't exactly a common scenario... but at this point, it was the only thing she had left to lean on.
"No, she doesn't know."
Kang Cheol-jin shook his head with an awkward laugh.
Ju Hana, despairing and yet unable to suppress her bafflement, stared at him.
'How can he laugh?'
How could he be so nonchalant while carrying on this kind of illicit relationship? Here she was, feeling like she was about to lose her mind over what to do now.
It was just at that moment, when Ju Hana's eyes began to tremble and tears were about to well up.
Kang Cheol-jin scratched his head with a sheepish expression and said:
"I figured it'd be kinda... disrespectful to the others if I just went around saying whatever I wanted. That's why I didn't tell you either."
"......?"
"Them figuring it out on their own isn't something I can control, but if I go, 'I'm having sex with so-and-so' and single someone out first, well... that's kind of messed up toward the people I'm in a relationship with, isn't it?"
"?"
Ju Hana got the sense that the conversation was somehow going in circles. Partly because of Kang Cheol-jin's attitude, which was just as casual as ever, and partly because of the disconnect of him worrying about "courtesy" when it came to revealing an illicit relationship to his girlfriend.
Who the hell worried about courtesy when revealing they were cheating? And more than that—"the people I'm in a relationship with," plural?
Feeling the tears that had been about to spill suddenly recede, Ju Hana asked cautiously:
"So, uh, Cheol-jin... does that mean Areum is in the same kind of situation as me? You two aren't dating, but you, uh... have sex, you're, like, sex friends..."
"...You didn't know?"
Kang Cheol-jin's face filled with bewilderment. He looked like someone who'd assumed she was asking with full knowledge.
Ju Hana quickly waved her hands.
"N, no. I knew."
In truth, she did know. She'd guessed from the very beginning that they weren't dating, just that kind of thing.
But Kang Cheol-jin didn't look easily convinced. His face had turned serious, as if wondering whether he'd let something slip.
"...Come to think of it, how'd you know? Did I slip up?"
"N, no. The thing is, I heard it from Saebyeok unni..."
"From Saebyeok Sunbae?"
"Sh-she said you came to pick up Areum when she was drunk. And that she saw you at the laundromat..."
"Ah."
Kang Cheol-jin nodded as if he finally understood. If it was Han Saebyeok, who'd run into them that time, she certainly could have guessed at his relationship with Areum...
'Wait, but wouldn't you normally assume they're dating?'
He tilted his head for a moment but moved on without thinking too deeply. Maybe she'd overheard them explaining to someone else that they weren't a couple. Whatever.
Meanwhile, Ju Hana continued her questioning with a much more settled demeanor.
"So who else, besides Areum?"
He'd clearly asked if she "too" knew. And he'd said "people," plural. In other words, there was someone else besides her and Pi Ah-reum.
But Kang Cheol-jin shook his head.
"Telling you that is a bit..."
"...Why? You said she knows about you and me."
Ju Hana's voice grew uncharacteristically sharp. A righteous anger rose from the fact that Kang Cheol-jin was involved with multiple people besides herself...
Twitch.
'Do I even have the right to get mad at him? I'm the one who half-forced my way in...'
Strictly speaking, she wasn't his girlfriend but merely a sex friend. More than anything, it was she who had first provoked and seduced Kang Cheol-jin using that sub-account, 'Bback-sa.'
Soon enough, Ju Hana's briefly flared eyes drooped dejectedly. It would have been fine to be a little selfish, but her fatal flaw was that she thought too much and her self-esteem was too low.
For his part, Kang Cheol-jin couldn't hide his apologetic expression. He didn't think of Ju Hana as simply "a convenient sex friend to fuck" either.
"Sorry. My thoughts are kind of complicated too. About whether it's okay for me to just say whatever I want about this."
"......."
"Of course, I think you have a point, Hana. Because the other side does know. But how do I put it... it's, um..."
Kang Cheol-jin searched for the right words. Truthfully, it was an issue he himself hadn't come to a clear conclusion on. How should he convey this complicated state of mind?
After a moment's contemplation, he asked:
"Then, hey. Would it be okay... if I told Areum about you and me?"
"N-n-no, absolutely not!"
Ju Hana's face went pale as she shook her head violently.
"Y-you don't have to tell me. I'm not curious anymore..."
They say the best way to make someone understand is by putting yourself in their shoes.
*
By the time we finished cleaning up, dusk had settled outside.
"Hana, I'm gonna head out now."
"Okay. Should... should we go out together?"
"Nah, you're worn out. And uh... take care of yourself."
"Take care of myself?"
"I'm wondering if I spanked you too hard."
"Th-that's fine, so just go!"
Hana shoved me out, her face bright red. She'd been so into it while we were doing it, but once the deed was done, even a mere mention was enough to embarrass her.
I chuckled and waved before stepping outside. I rode the elevator down and exited the apartment complex. The night breeze blew coolly.
On the way home, I replayed what had happened not long ago.
'Saying sorry would be weird too, wouldn't it...?'
Actually, I'd been about to tell Hana I was sorry. But for some reason, the words wouldn't leave my mouth. Thinking about it again, I could see why.
Isn't it ridiculous to apologize for having sex with another woman when we're not even dating? By that logic, there were actually three women I'd slept with before Hana.
It's complicated. I do feel sorry, but the act of apologizing itself is laughable. Even having these feelings at all seems strange.
'Looking at online communities, other people have no problem having sex friends. They're just proud of it.'
The term "sex friends" kind of bugs me too. It feels like I'm treating them lightly somehow, like they're just conveniently available for sex anytime... not that I've ever thought of them that way. Who the hell am I to see them like that, anyway.
Of course, it's true that my self-esteem has gone up a lot compared to before. Now when I look in the mirror, I don't look all that fat to myself anymore. Lately, I've also stopped having those old dreams so much.
It's probably thanks to my friends. Mostly thanks to my female friends, I'm guessing. Areum, and Hana too... they tell me I'm good-looking, so now I don't see myself as that ugly. Though I do factor in the friend discount.
Seora noona's help was part of it too. I'd lost about 25kg over the course of a year, but after meeting Seora noona by the stream, I dropped another 15kg or more in just a few months. At this point, no matter how low my self-esteem was, I couldn't help but feel different when I looked in the mirror. The me in the mirror no longer looked like a pasty-white pig.
But still... even so, I'm not at the point of treating women lightly. To be honest, it's still pretty difficult. Sure, once things start in bed, I do feel myself change a bit, but...
Putting that aside, there's a cautious side to me. For instance, even with women I've already slept with, I've never been the one to initiate. During sex, I'm all in and having fun, but I can't bring myself to be the one who starts it.
In practice, you'd have to say the initiative isn't mine but my partner's. If I had to put it a certain way, rather than me treating women like onaholes, it's more like the women treat me like a dildo. That's what I mean when I say Areum calling me a living dildo isn't just nonsense.
"Ah, it's tough. How did I end up with these blessing-burdened worries..."
Just a few months ago, this was a worry I couldn't have even imagined. No, seriously. Even if someone had tossed me bait and told me to try imagining it, it would've been so unrealistic I'd just have felt self-loathing and quit. Yet here I am now, acting like I've been struck with some divine temptress curse—nothing short of baffling.
If it were up to me, I'd want to get advice from someone, but... the problem is, I don't even really know what exactly I'd be asking for advice about. No, before that—to even be able to hear out this kind of advice, the person would have to have some similar experience, and where around me would I find someone like th-that...?
"What about Seongju Hyung?"
Kim Seong-ju. He had the kind of visuals you'd believe if he said he was an entertainment trainee, and superhuman social skills that let him get chummy with anyone instantly. On top of that, from things he'd occasionally said, he'd shown signs of being someone who'd been through the wringer.
Maybe that's why he was so unbelievably reliable.
Somewhat impulsively, I called Seongju Hyung.
- Oh, Cheol-jin. What's up?
He picked up before the ringtone had even gone off once. I was so startled, my words came out all garbled.
"Uh, uh. Yes. I mean, yes, what could the matter be...?"
- Huh? Puhahaha. You're the one who called me, what kind of reaction is that.
Seongju Hyung burst out laughing at my goofy response.
- Come to think of it, isn't this the first time you've called me? Is something really going on?
"Ah, no. It's not that... yes, actually, there's something I wanted to get advice about."
- Oh, advice from me? Whoa, I feel great.
I wasn't sure why he felt great about me asking for advice, but him saying that did put me a bit more at ease. I'd been anxious because I'd called so impulsively.
- So what's the matter? Well, I can't promise I'll definitely solve it or anything.
"Haha. There's no one else besides you I could even talk to, Hyung. But talking over the phone is a bit..."
Maybe I was being oversensitive, but talking on the phone leaves an automatic recording log. As the saying goes, better safe than sorry in this world. And it seemed like it'd be a long conversation too.
- Mm, then wanna come over to the intersection here? I'm with Seong-hyeon right now.
"That punk Seong-hyeon too?"
- Yep. Ah, is it a bit uncomfortable if Seong-hyeon's there?
"Ah, nope. Seong-hyeon should be fine."
- Perfect timing, I was just about to call it a night with the others. I'll make an excuse and say I've got plans with you?
"Yes. That's fine."
- Okay. Gimme a call when you're heading this way then.
"Yes, I'll see you in a bit."
- Hey, man, 'I'll see you' makes me sound like such an old-timer. Just use banmal, I keep telling you.
"Haha..."
Sorry, Hyung. I use formal speech with Seora noona too, even after we fucked this morning. Formal speech with my elders is just more comfortable for me.