Virgin

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Side: Yoo Jae-min

Yoo Jae-min is an impulsive person.

I'm well aware of that myself.

I had that side even when I was a guy, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠but ever since I became a woman, it seems to have gotten worse.

The way I get swept up by emotional things in ways I never used to…

Just look at how I botched ending my first stream. That says it all.

Yeah, I was pissed about losing the game. And yeah, the cam-obsessed chat was pissing me off too. But if I'd still been a guy, I never would have made that kind of mistake. I would have at least had the presence of mind to check whether the stream had actually closed.

The real root cause of all this was this woman's body.

Because whenever stress I can't handle starts piling up… I start wanting it. I start wanting to come here — to the place where he is — pushing everything else aside. And once I surrender my body like this, I end up thinking that this is where I belong. That I can't hold out any longer…

"So what should we do?"

"…About what."

"Streaming tomorrow would be best, right?"

"…"

Streaming…

Honestly, I didn't want to. Or rather — it wasn't that I never wanted to stream again. I just didn't want to do it right now. Because I could already picture exactly what would happen the moment I went live…

Why had I even started streaming in the first place?

At first, it was to dodge the future God had laid out for me — to protect my identity as a man.

…That reason had collapsed a long time ago.

School…

Not wanting to go to school was another reason. Once I set foot on campus, no matter who I ran into or what happened, I already knew how it would go — and I had no desire to live through situations that had only ever existed in my imagination…

…Maybe the me of this world had already gone through all that and taken a leave of absence because of it.

So I'd tried to choose a different path that looked okay.

If I didn't stream, I'd have to pick the option of going back to school.

…I already knew that, didn't I?

…Going to school was going to be even harder.

My head hurt.

And… just like always, my lower belly itched.

"Stream tomorrow at eight?"

"…Fine."

"I'll post about it, then."

"…Yeah."

…I want it.

The day after everything blew up, I called Mom.

The reason was obvious. Those bastards who'd caused this mess needed to be punished — and the professional who could handle that was my mother.

Of course, Mom had never even heard that I'd been streaming online, so the explanation dragged on for quite a while. And then… I got scolded. A lot. Pretty hard, actually.

I set the disconnected phone down beside me and leaned back. Matching my movement as if it were the most natural thing in the world, the two arms that had been draped around me pulled me into ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠an embrace.

…A sensation that was firm and yet soft. Like a cage locking me in, and at the same time like a fence protecting me…

"What'd your mom say?"

"…H-huh?"

"That was your mom, right?"

"…Yeah."

"So what did she say?"

"That they'll probably be able to catch the one who recorded and spread it."

"Mm… Well, about what I expected."

I felt a hand stroking my hair, almost like he was praising me. He'd always done that, but ever since that whole mess, I just couldn't pull myself away from this feeling. Because the moment I did… the painful sensations would start tormenting me again.

"A little more…"

"Yeah. You did good."

"…Mm…♥"

When I was savoring this feeling, I was simply happy. All the uncomfortable memories filling my head melted away and vanished. How could anyone not become dependent on something like this?

"Ah, hang on a sec."

"…Why…♥?"

"Bathroom."

"…"

The moment he tried to get up, I tensed without thinking and clung to his lap. His body, mid-rise, locked up with a jolt.

"…What are you doing."

"…"

"…Get off."

"…"

Why am I like this.

"C'mon. Get down."

"…Ah…"

…This was one of those things that felt strangely emotional now that I was a woman. It was nothing. He'd just set me down so he could go to the bathroom less than ten meters away for a minute…

"…"

"Hey, why are you about to cry."

"…Who's crying?"

"You."

"…I'm not crying…"

"Sure… I'll be right back."

Even as he said that and headed for the bathroom, my feet were trailing after him in little steps. My fingers, gripping the hem of his shirt, wouldn't let go either.

"…Hey."

"…"

"Jae-min."

"…What."

"Can you let go for a second?"

"…"

"…No answer means no, huh?"

"…"

"Look, I'm just using the bathroom for a second."

"…We can just go in together."

"…Excuse me? You do realize what you're saying right now, right?"

"…We've already seen everything there is to see of each other, so going in together should be fine…"

"Aigoo… Come here."

"Why… mmph…♥!? Chup…♥♥"

…This was another thing that even I found genuinely weird about myself. The way I rode every single one of his actions like a roller coaster of emotion. The way I'd ache like I'd been wounded over something trivial, then tremble with bliss at a single kiss.

"…Haa…♥♥"

"Wait here."

"…Okay…♥"

Click.

Most things in this world can't be avoided just because you want to avoid them.

The same way a test doesn't get postponed just because you fell asleep without studying — stream time arrived in my present without shifting by so much as a minute.

"Hello. I'm ggzzotk."

"…Hello. LCL Master Gemini here."

The vibe of the stream was exactly what I'd expected. Honestly, it was so thoroughly predictable that my head was only getting colder.

"I'm not sure what exactly you want me to explain. Want me to start from the beginning?"

I looked over at Lee Kang-yeon sitting beside me. For all the smooth talk, his face looked a little tense.

"I'm putting slow mode on for now. I'll answer based on the questions, so type slowly."

…Maybe, just maybe, he was under even more stress than I was.

"Alright, here's the rundown. I'm an otaku who draws comics, I'm Gemini's husband, and I'm also her manager. I'm the ban standard around here, so don't cross the line."

The truth was, this whole mess had started because of me — and he was the one stepping up first. Before I could even feel sorry, I was a little… angry.

"You wanna take this?"

"…"

…It was my fault. And it was my stream.

"…I…"

"No, just let me—"

Protecting him here was something I had to do too.

"Hey, you fucking bastards! Yeah, it's me! Yeah, we're married, and yeah, we've done the biting and sucking and all of it! You all heard it yourselves, didn't you?! What more do you want from me!?"

…Married.

Right. We were married.

"Shut the fuck up, you pieces of shit! I am…"

…a virgin.

I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud, but in that moment every kind ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠of thought was swirling through my head.

A virgin?

A virgin?

…I'm a guy.

Even if my body is a woman's…

A virgin?

Like I just said, this body has already done the biting and sucking and everything else — so what does that even mean? Does keeping your hymen intact make you a virgin? And he and I are already married. Who gives a damn if a married woman is a virgin?

Virginity doesn't mean a single thing at this point.

In the end… it was all just self-satisfaction, wasn't it.

I'd enjoyed everything there was to enjoy — I just hadn't had sex…

So that meant I was still a guy. Because I was a guy, there was no way I'd ever have sex with a man.

But…

But what if it was just for pleasure?

What was the difference between everything we'd already done and actual sex? I was already on birth control. If having sex didn't mean getting pregnant…

Then it was the same thing, wasn't it.

Sumata or sex — both were just acts for enjoying pleasure. So what reason was there not to do it?

If we were married anyway…

Married couples all did it. Everyone else already assumed that since we were married, we were doing it — so we'd just actually be doing it.

…I kept thinking only those thoughts.

"…Do you want to?"

There was no need to hold back anymore, was there.

"…Real sex."

…I want it.