My Older Sister Was Ruined - 1
I had no choice but to go back to the clubroom.
Even the club was empty, with no one there to talk to.
They were probably all in class.
Maybe that was why.
I had no idea what I was supposed to do from here.
It wasn’t as if I had any other option.
But if I caught up to my sister, what could I even say?
At best, something like: What happened?
How did you end up like this?
I knew better than anyone that those were the only words I had.
What was I supposed to do?
Tell her the photos came out beautifully?
Could I even say something like that in front of the sister she was now?
No. Whatever I said, it probably wouldn’t mean anything to her now.
...What am I supposed to say?
What am I supposed to say when I see her again?
Even when I tried to think of the words, nothing came to mind.
While I was connecting my USB to the camera and editing the photos out of sheer helplessness,
my friend came in.
“Lee Kangto, what the hell are you doing sitting here?”
“What do you mean, what am I doing? I’m just messing around on the computer.”
“I’m not asking because I don’t know, idiot. I’m asking what you’re actually doing. That miserable look on your face while you fiddle with the camera isn’t like you, so I’m asking.”
“I know that. I know it, but I have no idea how to even say it.”
He popped the lid off a mix coffee.
“We’ve done this plenty of times. What is it this time? Did you get tangled up with some gangsters? If so, you can just ask for help.”
“No, it’s not that. If it were, I’d have called the police first... It’s just, I don’t know what to say.”
It was something so ordinary.
I tried to tell myself that, but I couldn’t relax.
Because the sister I’d known since forever.
The sister who had always been surrounded by friends.
The sister who had always dressed so stylishly, as if nothing in the world could touch her.
What was I supposed to say if she’d suddenly changed?
The sister in my memory...
“Hey, we’re going to the PC room today, so bring everyone from your club.”
“Let’s throw your club a birthday party today. Money? Oh, are you really worried about something like that? Don’t think about stuff like that—just come have fun and eat with me, okay?”
“Hey, they opened one of those old-school arcades over there. Huh? You don’t know what an arcade is? Well, there’s a huge age gap between us, after all~”
She was the kind of person who could do anything.
Unlike me, who could only take pictures.
She was the one with people all around her, the kindest person I knew, the gentlest person I knew.
I stopped seeing her after the year she was a senior in high school and said she was going to college.
“I’m going to Seoul National University! Jealous? All that studying finally paid off, huh?”
Seoul National University.
There was no question it was the best university in Korea, and I had no idea what could possibly have happened to the sister who had gone there.
“So you were just going to sit here and try to solve it all by yourself?”
“No, this isn’t the kind of thing you can just—”
“And then what, you’re going to get fucked over all by yourself and expect someone to clean up after you? If you don’t think you can handle it alone, then ask for help. Do you think I made this club just so I could watch you fuck yourself over? At college, of all places?”
Thud.
He must have been seriously pissed, the way he slammed down the cup with the mix coffee in it.
Right...
If he was going to find out eventually anyway, maybe it was better to tell him now.
“You remember Nabi, right?”
“Senior Nabi? Of course I do. I don’t know how she’s been since she lost contact after going to Seoul National University. Why? Did she call you? Did something happen to Senior Nabi?”
“I did meet her, but I don’t know what happened to her. I ran into Nabi by chance while I was taking pictures earlier. But—”
“But what? Stop dragging it out and just tell me.”
I told him everything.
First, I showed him Nabi’s photo, and he clicked his tongue.
“You didn’t edit this, right?”
“Of course I didn’t. I haven’t even edited it yet.”
“It wasn’t just that something happened. A whole hell of a lot happened.”
“You can tell just from the picture?”
“It’s obvious enough. Black hair with white strands growing in, and there are marks where she must have scratched at her skin hard trying to hide it. And that red at the tips of her hair—once I noticed it, I knew what it was.”
“What?”
“Drugs.”
At that one word, my body froze.
Drugs? That sister used drugs?
“You look like you don’t believe me, but if Nabi’s hair got like this, and it wasn’t because of some allergy or because she dyed it, then do you really think red hair growing in like that makes sense?”
“I don’t know...”
“Of course you don’t. You shouldn’t know, either,”
“How do you know?”
“...There are things in this world you don’t want to know, but you learn anyway. Anyway, it looks like she was on drugs a long time ago and tried to quit. The stuff she took makes your hair turn red when you keep using it. Or maybe the liver can’t detoxify it and it shows up in the hair, something like that. Still, it’s a relief it only turned that red. If not...”
“If not?”
“We might never have been able to meet Nabi again.”
He laughed as if it were a joke, but then, once he realized it wasn’t something to laugh about, I opened the clubroom door.
“I get what you want to do, but I don’t think you’re in any position to actually do anything right now. And how are you supposed to find out where she’s gone?”
“...But I can’t just leave her like that!”
“Well, no, I want to ask her what happened too if I ever find her. But Kangto, think about it carefully. The moment she saw you, she ran. And you couldn’t catch her.”
“Are you saying I couldn’t do it?”
“No. If I were going to say you couldn’t do it, I would’ve scolded you from the start. I’m scolding that sister of yours. She probably wants help too, but the fact that she ran when she saw your face means she was ashamed of how she looked.”
“I guess that...”
“Then is your sister the bad one? Or is it your fault for noticing too late and failing to catch her? You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Then he took a sip of coffee as if nothing had happened.
“And you want to go looking for a sister who ended up like that because of drugs? If you find her, what exactly are you going to say? You don’t even know what you should say, and you want to go charging in there now for what?”
“Still... still, I have to do something.”
Then he downed the rest of the coffee in one shot.
“Then if that’s how you think about it, go find her somehow, you idiot. I don’t really know how you see Nabi, or what you want to do about her, but I do know you used to stick close to her all the time when you were a student.”
“So...”
“I don’t know whether she took drugs or whether she just wanted to dye it and ended up like that, but if Senior Nabi is running away because of something, if she’s suffering because of something, then go now and find her and reach out. And if you can’t find her?”
Without missing a beat, he cracked open another mix coffee.
“Then borrow our hands. Who do you think is in this club? We’ve got webtoon artists, seniors who opened a coffee shop, even a senior from the track team. Do what you can. Do what you’re able to do, and if that still doesn’t work, come back.”
“...Thanks. As always.”
“If you’re always thanking me, at least buy me a cup of coffee sometime.”
After saying that, I ran.
I had no idea where I was supposed to run.
I had no way of knowing where she had gone or what she was doing now.
And yet I still wanted to find her.
Nabi had once been kind to me.
She had done so many things for me until now.
Whether that was a simple reason or not, I didn’t care.
So I was going to find her and ask what happened.
And if she said she needed help, then I’d help her however I could.
I didn’t know whether she would need my help or not.
I only remembered the kindness she had given me.
“That’s not how you wrap it, you know?”
“Who else would hang out with you if I didn’t?”
“There, I posed for you. Now I just have to stand still like this?”
As long as I remembered how she had helped me until now, I kept searching for her even as day turned into afternoon, and afternoon into evening.
“Excuse me, have you seen a woman with red hair?!”
“Her hair was red, with some white in it too. She was wearing a short white T-shirt, and her jeans were a little ripped.”
“Have you seen anyone wearing clothes like this? Ah, you didn’t? Sorry!”
Even after searching until 9 p.m. and still not finding her,
I eventually sat down on an outdoor chair in front of a convenience store and thought to myself,
What am I doing?
Maybe she had already gone home, so why was I out here on the street looking for her?
Was what I was doing even right?
Did she even live around here in the first place? And even if she did, could I really find her?
The worrying wouldn’t stop.
No, worrying wasn’t going to solve anything, and there was nothing I could do anyway.
So I lowered my head and looked toward the entrance of the convenience store, and then...
She was there.
The moment I saw her, I just ran.
The sister I’d been looking for was right there.
-Crash!
I slammed into the chair and the plastic table and it hurt, but all I could think was that I had to get to my sister first.
That was the only thing that mattered, so I ignored the pain and rushed toward her, saying,
“Got you... I got you, Nabi.”
“I caught Kangto! All right, then you’re the tagger?”
This time, I really had her.
With that thought, I grabbed her hand.
Nabi couldn’t do anything; she just stood there, frozen, but I said to her,
“Kangto? W-what are you doing? Let go, le-let go and talk.”
Maybe it was fortunate that she still remembered me.
It was a relief.
I had no idea why it felt so relieving just to know she remembered me.
And still,
“Sis, I’m sorry, but I have so much I want to say to you. So this time, please don’t run away.”
“Kangto, people are—”
“Forget that!”
I drew in a deep breath.
I couldn’t tell whether it was a sigh from the pain or something else, but one thing was certain.
“Sis, if you need help... then tell me you need help.”
This time, I wanted to help my sister.
That was all.