The Secret Behind the Screen
It had been a day that felt like being caught in a storm. For the past few days, I’d had a nagging premonition that something was about to happen, but I never expected it to hit all at once like this. If I had to summarize my current state of mind in a single phrase, it would be: "...Is this for real?" That covers it perfectly.
Back home, I lay on my bed, still in my clothes, staring at my contact list with a dazed expression, like someone who couldn't wake up from a dream. There it was: [My Idol♡]. The contact Su-a had saved for me. To be precise, it was her personal phone number.
"Haa..." The more I thought about it, the less it made sense. They say you become curious about the people who like you... I could understand the logic, but she had to know that my "liking" wasn't the kind of affection between a man and a woman. This was fan-love. If she was taking an interest in me knowing that, then the scope of her interest needed to expand to her entire fanbase, not just me. She shouldn't be giving me special treatment.
...Wait, does she actually like me? This is driving me crazy. A woman's heart is truly impossible to fathom.
*Ding!*
Just as I was burning [My Idol♡] into my retinas, a W LIVE notification chimed. I tapped it immediately to join the stream.
The five members of La Stella appeared on screen. They were inside a car. They were still wearing their stage outfits from today, with blankets draped over their shoulders. It looked like they’d started the live broadcast on their way back to the dorms. As fans flooded the chat, the members waved at the camera as excitedly as wagging puppy tails. Their high energy at this late hour was typical of idols.
Had they even slept for three hours? They must have been exhausted—waking up at the crack of dawn, going to the salon, preparing for the stage, rehearsals, pre-recordings, interviews... they barely had time to breathe. Their stamina was incredible. I suppose that’s what you call professional spirit. But surely, what kept them this lively at such an hour was the fact that today was the final broadcast of their 2nd single promotions. Now, they could finally have a break. They could finally rest their bodies, worn out from five weeks of grueling schedules where they couldn't even get three hours of sleep a day. That’s why, despite the fatigue, their endorphins were running high.
The car was a Kia Carnival, the standard choice for celebrities. All five members fit perfectly into the frame. Hana, Yeryeong, and Hoshi Iroha were sitting in the back row. In the front two seats, Mio sat on the right, and Su-a on the left. In terms of age, Su-a was the third oldest and should have been in the back, but she was allowed to sit in the front as a sign of respect for her role as leader. For the record, this was a story they’d shared during a post-promotion live after their 1st single.
Mio, the eldest, poked Su-a’s soft, mochi-like cheeks, teasing her. "What? Are you saying I’m not cute usually?" Su-a pouted. "Usually?" "I mean, usually!" Though she was the third oldest and the leader, Su-a was often treated like the youngest. Perhaps they couldn't help but tease her because her childlike reactions were just too adorable. Being the shortest of the five probably contributed to that "youngest" vibe, too. Yeryeong, who was 17, was 170cm tall, while 20-year-old Su-a was only 158cm.
...Anyway. Su-a was her usual self. Since over ten thousand people were watching, she was likely keeping her expressions in check, but to think she could be this carefree after what happened earlier today.
That was when a message arrived. The sender was [My Idol♡]. On screen, Su-a was fiddling with her phone, too. I, who had been sprawled out on my bed, sat bolt upright, perched on the edge of the mattress. With a trembling heart, I carefully checked the message.
It was real. It was really Su-a’s personal contact.
I sent the message as politely as possible. Then, I immediately looked back at the live stream. Su-a, who had been laughing while watching the members play in the back, checked her phone, likely feeling the vibration. She glanced at the screen.
Oh, man. My hands were shaking. Even though we were just texting, my heart was pounding. We kept the conversation going with simple topics. I wracked my brain, which had zero romantic cells, trying to figure out what to say. I typed each letter as carefully as if I were writing a handwritten letter, checking my spelling two or three times before hitting send. While the live stream continued and the camera focused on other members, Su-a would pull out her phone to check my messages and reply.
It was a secret rendezvous taking place in front of over ten thousand people. It was nerve-wracking, yet thrilling. Did the fans watching the live stream have any idea that Su-a was texting a man right now? I felt a sense of superiority. Every fan is just one of many. Under the condition that everyone is equal, if you’re the only one receiving this kind of special treatment, it’s only human to get a little cocky, drunk on that uniqueness. But I shouldn't get too carried away. People who get too obsessed with their own "specialness" never end well. So, I would enjoy this right while keeping it within reasonable bounds.
The discomfort had vanished long ago. From the moment I received her personal contact, any thoughts about stalking had completely disappeared. Looking back, wasn't this something to be grateful for? It meant my idol’s love for her fans was strong enough to make her stalk one. Socially, stalking is clearly a criminal act, but if it were this kind of stalking, I could forgive her a dozen times over. I hadn't been harmed, after all.
Su-a sent a cute rabbit emoticon sighing in relief.
I was more comfortable this way. Except for when I was teaching students at the academy, I didn't know how many years it had been since I’d had a casual conversation with a woman in my daily life. I played alone, lived alone, and was so accustomed to living by myself that my communication skills had severely deteriorated. Even if we were the same age, I couldn't easily drop the honorifics. It was the same even if Su-a was seven years younger than me. Until I was truly, truly, truly close with someone, speaking casually was difficult. To adults 10 or 20 years older than me, I probably looked like a polite young man, but to people my own age, I likely seemed cold and distant. I knew it well, but it was hard to fix.
Ah, so that was the problem.
That didn't mean I thought of her as a master just because she was an idol. The relationship between a fan and an idol shouldn't be divided into "superior" and "inferior." Sometimes there are idols who act superior to fans, and fans who act superior to idols, but that’s completely wrong. We need each other. Fans can't exist without idols, and idols can't exist without fans. I believe it’s necessary for both sides to show a certain level of respect. When you go to fan meetings or fan signing events, people are largely divided into two categories: those who use honorifics and treat the idol like an idol, and those who speak casually and treat the idol like a friend. I was overwhelmingly the former.
It was already awkward enough; if I dropped the honorifics here, it would only get worse. I didn't know what she was thinking, but at the very least, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I genuinely felt more comfortable using honorifics.
It wasn't that I always used honorifics. I only used them when I was actually talking to the person. When I posted on Weverse or social media, I would say "Su-a" or "Our Su-a" casually, but that was different.
Su-a made a sullen face. Since the live was ongoing, I could see her expression in real-time.
The difficulty level just went up. It was hard enough to write it in text; recording it and sending it was even harder. ...By the way, "something good"? I was curious. Limited edition merch? I had most of the merch, but there were some I hadn't been able to get because my hands were too slow. Okay, I’ll just close my eyes and do it once.
I turned on the voice recorder app. "Ahem... hmm... Su, Su... ugh!" What am I doing? I was so cringed out that I threw my phone to the other side of the bed. "Huu... okay, it’s for the merch, it’s for the merch." I picked up the phone again and started recording. "...Su, Su-a-ya." I ended the recording immediately. My face felt hot for no reason. I sent the file to Su-a right away. Su-a, who didn't listen to the file but confirmed she’d received it, had the corners of her mouth curl up into a smile.
I received that message and looked at the screen. Su-a’s beautiful face filled the frame. She was looking at the camera with her big, rabbit-like eyes. She pouted her plump, crimson-tinted lips and gave a light, quick kiss. Oh...
The chat window began to scroll rapidly with reactions: Su-a is so cute, Su-a is pretty, Su-a is insanely adorable.
Yeryeong and Iroha in the back seat offered their cheeks to Su-a. "...No, I can't." She shrank back and shook her head, and Yeryeong and Iroha laughed, saying "That's mean," but clearly finding Su-a’s flustered reaction cute. Watching that, the fans chatted happily. Usually, I would have joined in, but this time I couldn't. She said it was for the fans, but that kiss just now was the "something good" Su-a was sending to me. Yes, to me, and no one else.
Su-a sent that message. "Whoa...!" I twisted my body around and punched my pillow. Damn it... this is too good. I’m not the type to use profanity, but it was so good it made me want to curse.