Doubt Begins with the Absence of Self-Esteem
Doubt Begins with the Absence of Self-Esteem
1.
Friday night, right before closing.
Across from me, the center seat at the bar table is always Seoah's spot.
"Boss-nim. Should I send the DM to the shop's account?"
"I have a girlfriend."
"Liar! You don't look like someone who has one!"
"...Stop messing around and wait quietly."
"Yees—."
Since I had a full-time part-timer on weekends, I could leave the shop to them from open to close.
This was all because of Seoah's cute greed to date all night without wanting to wait until the weekend.
"Should I make a take-out drink for us while we go?"
"Do you sell soju here too?"
"...Right. Let's go, come on."
Turning off the power to the grinder, then the air conditioner and shop lights.
After finishing the POS closing, I extended my hand to Seoah, who was grinning brightly.
"Let's go."
"Yep!"
2.
On the way to the pub Seoah had picked out.
Dangerously, Seoah kept repeatedly looking back and forth between straight ahead and me.
"Spill it."
"Huh?! N-No?! I don't have anything to say!"
"It's fine. Spill it."
"Mm-hnn... Well...."
Seeing how she wasn't biting her nails, luckily it wasn't anything serious.
"Oppa's cafe... is so pretty."
"Is that all?"
"I think girls will love it."
"And so."
"I think a lot of female customers will come!"
So that's what it was after all.
I gently let go of her held hand and patted Seoah's head.
"What does that matter? I have you."
"Yesterday before going to sleep, I watched Divorce Encouragement Camp, and the woman was soo—o pretty, you know? But her potato-looking crazy bastard of a husband cheated on her! So..."
"Cheating is genetic too. We're here."
An atmospheric pub where soft warm light bulbs sat at every dark table.
Opening the door, I gently pushed Seoah's back to let her in first.
"I have the genetics that will never understand those kinds of people."
"Hmph. I don't believe you."
"Even if you don't believe it, can't be helped. Because that's the truth."
"Ughhh...! So mean!"
Seoah's seat was the sofa seat against the inner wall.
Mine was the outer seat with individual chairs.
Naturally taking the bag she handed over silently, I placed it on the chair cushion beside me.
Since Seoah had a habit of always leaving her bag behind whenever she drank alcohol, I had to take care of it for her.
"Player."
"Unfounded talk. The drink is Jinno, and the food?"
"No! I'm not in the mood to drink Jinno today!"
"Then?"
"...I'm going to drink Jinno."
Seoah is acting strange today.
Only 3 days have passed since our last date.
"Are you going to keep being cranky for no reason like that?"
"......."
"Why. Did I cheat on you in your dream again?"
"It's not that, but...."
She can't use hormones as an excuse either.
Since it's only been a week since her period ended.
"......Sorry."
"Right. Since you played around to your heart's content, you should say sorry."
"It's not that......"
Fidgeting with her fingers, Seoah bit her innocent nails.
Fearing she might get depressed all by herself at this rate, I playfully tapped the table order tablet.
"I'll get tomato egg soup, and Seoah will get 'Please give us a bottle opener'. Let's eat this."
"Ah, no! Seoah wants boiled pork flap meat!"
Seoah flailed her arms urgently and pushed my hand away.
"Yep! Please order it like that!"
Getting over it so easily like this, yet acting like the most serious person in the world all by herself.
3.
__
Before I knew it, three empty bottles had accumulated on the table.
The gas burner was heating the soup with a flame so weak it was barely visible.
"Ehehe...."
In front of me, Seoah with a bright red face was smiling foolishly with half-unfocused eyes.
"Should we kissy-kiss?!"
"Shall we get going soon?"
"Should we kissy-kiss?!?!"
"......Right, let's head out...."
As I stood up from my seat to pay.
"Waaaait a sec...! No no, boss-niiim...!"
Seoah stubbornly followed out with a staggering body.
"Thiiis! Please pay with thiiis...."
"I'm sorry. Please charge the one I just gave you."
"Nooo...! I did something wrong to my opp—a... so please pay with thiiis...."
Confirming that she couldn't be reasoned with, the employee looked at my expression.
When I sent an apologetic look and a small smile back, the employee took Seoah's card while adeptly swiping my card instead.
"Thank you. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorryyy, I'm sorry to opp—a tooo...!"
If she was going to be this sorry, why on earth did she throw a tantrum for no reason in the first place?
As I was helping Seoah out of the pub.
"Ah, the bag."
Seoah's bag, which I almost left behind because the movement got messed up when she stood up insisting on paying herself.
The moment I picked it up, a vibration rang from inside.
[📞 Choi Eunho]
"......?"
Out of a desire to respect Seoah's privacy as much as possible, I had never peeked at her phone, but.
On the screen my eyes happened to fall upon, an unfamiliar man's name was displayed.
Not a school senior or junior, nor a colleague she became close with at the cafe where she worked part-time, but a name I had never heard of before.
'There's no way she has a male acquaintance I don't know about.'
Just around the time I was lost in such thoughts.
"Oppa, are you going to rape me now... Mmph!"
Seoah's sudden outburst that put me in an embarrassing spot.
Avoiding the gazes of other customers, I quickly covered her mouth and left the establishment.
Ttallang!
__
"Whyy? Is Seoah embarrassin'? Is fuckin' Seoah embarrassiii'n—?"
"Han Seoah. I told you to keep your manners no matter how drunk you get."
"Anyway, when people see a couple datin' early Friday mornin', they think, 'Ah, those two are gonna go do it—' Dummy."
Seriously, it's not like I can just gag her.
"......Right, let me take you...."
"To have seex—?!"
4.
"It's Kim Hajun from YeogiEottae. Please give us the amenities too."
A motel where I booked a room through an app.
— First floor.
"Haaa......"
From inside the elevator, Seoah stood on tiptoes and blew hot breath into my ear.
Her hands were also busy stroking my lower body.
— Fifth floor.
Ppik.
As I tapped the key on the door lock to open the door.
"You're gonna rape me today, right...?"
Seoah, already completely worked up, spouts unnecessary words again.
Pok.
As soon as the door closed, Seoah staggered toward the bed and collapsed while holding her phone.
When I washed my hands in the bathroom and came out, she was lying with her belly half exposed, eyes closed, and lips twitching.
"Are you really tired?"
Before the words could even finish, Seoah forced her eyes open wide and pushed her body up.
"Nooo...! I'm gonna get raped!"
Chyup.
I responded to her with a gentle kiss.
Rape play can only really work in a relationship with ambiguous trust.
If trust is too thick, it just becomes childish house play, whereas if it's too thin, you might misunderstand each other's true intentions.
In the relationship between Seoah and me.
"Haa... It smells like alcohol..."
Even if we tried, it would just be an imitation.
Seueuk.
__
As I pulled up the hem of her t-shirt, Seoah naturally raised both arms.
Even before I could touch her, Seoah unhooked her bra herself and took it off.
Then I.
Chyuup, chyup.
I lightly wet her right nipple with saliva and took her left nipple into my mouth.
While rubbing the wetted right nipple with my fingers.
"Haaah... haat, haah..."
Entering our first year together, the foreplay steps had basically become a formula of sorts.
Do humans with ruined dopamine systems cheat because they get sick of stuff like this?
For just such a stupid reason.
'No, I'm not really curious.'
Shaking off stray thoughts, I pressed my slightly parted lips against her skin and headed downward.
Seueuk.
"Haeueuet...!"
Seoah groaned as I licked up her underbust that had been suffocatingly trapped.
Jjok, jjook.
From there, further down.
Tracing down her ribs to her lower belly, right beside her navel.
Kissing her lightly, I unbuckled Seoah's pants and pulled them down.
"Eueueung... Hurry up..."
Then Seoah lifted her hips so I could easily take off her pants.
"You were getting this wet in the meantime?"
"Eueung, no I wasn't..."
Her panties, wet enough to be damp down there, stained dark, went roughly onto the floor.
Her lily-white pussy, where a faint dark shadow was visible as it was almost time for hair removal.
Haap, chyuuup.
__
I took it into my mouth.
"Haat...! Haeueuet—!"
Seoah's salty flavor began to mix into my saliva and seep in.
"Eueung...! Eueueung...!"
She lightly pushed my head away, then relaxed her strength.
Usually on days when she was this wet.
Kkwaak.
Seoah, pulling her legs together with her thighs clamped tight.
"P-Put it in... Hurry..."
With a desperate face, she begs me to hurry up and fuck her.
"Yeah, I'll suck oppa's too..."
"Later."
Seeing Seoah's state approaching heat, I too was already worked up.
Just rubbing the glans between her swollen labia majora.
Jjil—kkeok.
__
Seoah's pussy took in my dick as if sucking it in.
"Heok—."
Seoah's breathless gasp bursting out right after the initial insertion.
At the same time, her winding vaginal walls began clinging to the surface of my dick.
Jjigeok, jjigeok.
"Haeueu, O, ppaaa...!"
Hot love juice, slightly higher than body temperature, acts as lubricant helping the thrusting.
When Seoah is so drunk she can barely control her body.
Jjigeokjjigeokjjigeokjjigeok!
From the very start, I push in at a fast pace without hesitation.
"Haat, oppa...! More, moore...! Mmh, it feels so good, mooor—e!"
In a space just for the two of us where there's no need to maintain dignity, Seoah poured out groans with a vulgar face.
"Kiss, kiss meee..."
As always, unable to stand her mouth being empty, Seoah lifted her shoulders off the bed and stuck her head forward.
Chyup.
Kissing her, I pushed Seoah's head back down onto the bed.
Fearing her neck might hurt.
Chyuup, chyaap, chyeop.
Unlike outside, a kiss where lips detach and attach like beasts while mixing tongues.
The fishy smell of soju rushed in hot.
Seoah must be feeling the same taste as me.
Jjigeokjjigeokjjigeokjjigeok!
Me, and Seoah too.
Meanwhile, my waist has no intention of stopping.
The love juices pooled deep inside her pussy were gradually pushed out, wetting the inside of my thighs and my lower belly.
Once Seoah stops sucking on my tongue, we naturally switch positions.
And after repeating that about two more times...
Uueueung.
The sound of vibration heard beside Seoah, who had her eyes closed.
The phone lying on the bed that Seoah had been holding.
**[📞 Choi Eunho]
**
"......?"
The name from earlier at the pub.
Suddenly, thoughts I didn't need to have came rushing in.
Unformed, uncomfortable, and stale delusions.
"Pheuhaa, haah...! I love it, oppaa...! I love oppa's dick so much...!"
Seoah's moans burying that vibration.
Over the past year, I had never once doubted Seoah.
Because the Seoah I knew was a person just like me.
Because that's why I could love her.
There's no way I'd naively shatter the trust we built up over such circumstantial evidence.
I definitely thought that.
Pang! Paang—! Pang!
"Ah...! It hurts...! Oppa, it hurtsss...!"
"Shut up, you fucking bitch."
"Eueung...! It really hurt... sss...!"
Grabbing one of her breasts and her neck, I slam my hips up to the very end of her pussy.
And at the maximum speed I could possibly manage.
In front of my eyes, Seoah was groaning with a furrowed brow, but such things didn't cool down my current emotions.
"I'm gonna get you pregnant... you fucking cumdumpster bitch...!"
"It hurts...! It hurtsss—!"
Jjiiik, jjik!
"Haeueuet—!"
The moment ejaculation began, I pulled my dick straight out.
The semen that couldn't be sprayed inside her pussy splashed irregularly, clinging to Seoah's lower belly and thighs.
"Ouch... That really hurt..."
Seoah complained timidly.
Instead of answering, I pulled out tissues and wiped away the traces I had sprayed.
And then.
"Huh...? Why are you putting your clothes on...?"
"Convenience store. I'll go buy some hangover relief drinks."
"All of a sudden...? I'm fine though...?"
"I'm going to take one too. Is there anything you need?"
"Mmh... Jelly for me—? Sour ones, not sweet ones?"
"Got it. I'll be back."
Like that, I escaped from the motel room as if running away.
5.
"That will be 12,500 won."
"Ah, and an Ice Bl... Never mind. Here you go."
Ttallang.
A state of mind severe enough to make me look for the cigarettes I had quit.
What kind of emotion this is, there is no way to express it in the language of my narrow world.
That stranger man's contact must also be no big deal in reality.
It's bound to be nothing more than a misunderstanding that could be cleared up in a conversation of less than 3 minutes.
Because the Seoah I know is that kind of person.
So why am I right now.
"Phew..."
Along with a sigh, memories of today flash by.
— I think a lot of female customers will come!
— Sorry....
— I did something wrong to my opp—a... so please pay with thiiis....
__
Unpleasant words that, once pieced together, form a terrible picture.
— Boss-nim. Should I send the DM to the shop's account?
— Should we kissy-kiss?!
Seoah's bright, innocent looks that wash away all my worries, as always.
Among those, today's Seoah, who will be remembered the longest.
— Jelly for me—? Sour ones, not sweet ones?
Even though I was the one who hurt her, showing a smile in a playful, aegyo-filled voice.
Hwiik.
A breeze brushing past my bangs.
"...Wind."
I feel it.
An extremely unpleasant wind, laden with the humidity of summer temperatures.