Chapter 22: She Was (11)
Change swept through Penril Village.
The summer I had waited for so long at last arrived—the summer I turned thirteen.
Knights in gleaming armor came to the village, and among them was a woman walking toward me.
Unlike before, she was no longer dressed as a plain, unadorned adventurer.
She wore a luxurious uniform, her neatly kept hair stirring softly in the breeze.
“I’m late, my disciple, but I’ve come to take you with me.”
My teacher.
Countess Obriel Hopenberg of the Empire smiled at me and held out her hand.
“M-My little one…?”
“Aria…! Where are you going…?”
Then I heard my mother’s trembling voice, thick with shock.
I could feel Sophia trembling beside her, standing behind me with our mother.
….
So I couldn’t bring myself to take that hand at once.
My teacher let out an awkward smile, as if she hadn’t expected this, and said, “My, my… I thought my disciple would have finished everything before I got here. Hmm, I suppose we’ll have to wait a little longer.”
“For now, please come with me, Teacher.”
“All right. A few days was still within the range I expected.”
With a smile, my teacher lifted me into her arms.
Even though I was no longer the size of a small child and must have been heavy, she hoisted me up as easily as if I weighed nothing and went on, “You really have grown quite a bit, haven’t you? You must have kept to the promise we made before I left—eating well and sleeping well.”
“I’ve been keeping all those promises, so please don’t treat me like a child.”
My mother and Sophia were watching.
Their faces were still frozen in shock as they followed behind Teacher and me.
Even knowing that, I couldn’t bear to speak only with Teacher as though nothing had happened.
And yet—
“Really? Then you haven’t even been crying?”
….
I couldn’t answer that.
Just as I hadn’t been able to answer when she asked me, as she was leaving.
I still couldn’t answer whether I had been crying or not.
“You really never change, my disciple. There, I’ve let you down, so go on ahead and lead the way.”
“...Yes.”
I slipped out of her arms and walked on alone.
The villagers’ gazes gathered on me.
Gleaming knights followed in our wake, and behind me walked a noblewoman in her elegant uniform.
In between them, I could hear my mother’s trembling voice, frightened by what was happening.
“M-My little one… What is all this…?”
….
It was my fault.
I should have said, long ago, that I would be leaving the village.
That a noble would come to fetch me sometime this summer.
I should have explained everything from the start.
But every time I saw my mother’s smile, I put it off because I couldn’t bring myself to say it.
And Teacher seemed to sense that, because she smiled bitterly and said, “My disciple… you still haven’t told your mother?”
“I’m going to tell her now.”
“Oh dear, my disciple….”
Leaving behind my teacher’s sigh, I walked over to my mother.
My mother and Sophia, who had followed us, were already tearing up.
It was as if they were afraid of this sudden turn of events, and yet slowly beginning to understand what was happening.
There was sorrow in the eyes fixed on me.
“I….”
My throat tightened a little, and I swallowed hard.
Then I finally spoke the feelings I had kept putting off.
“I’ve decided to leave the village with Teacher.”
“Ah….”
I heard my mother’s soft cry.
She sounded like someone hearing exactly what she had expected, but still wishing—hoping—it might somehow be something else.
Her breath left her in a hollow, helpless sound.
And that cry spread.
From my mother to Sophia.
And then to the villagers nearby, who had been listening to us.
Slowly, it spread everywhere.
The summer I turned thirteen.
Only then did I say goodbye to the villagers.
The village was thrown into uproar.
It was all because of me.
With the news that I would be leaving—delivered so abruptly—the villagers fell into confusion.
And then.
My teacher looked at the village, and at me, and wore a stern expression utterly unlike her.
“My disciple, this is no way to part with people.”
“I know.”
“Hmm… I wasn’t worried, since you’re usually so clever, but I never expected you to make such a huge mess.”
“I didn’t either.”
….
“I knew it, too….”
I never intended to tell them like this.
The day I received Teacher’s letter, I had meant to say it then.
The day I finally burst into tears in front of Sophia, I had meant to tell her that I planned to leave the village when my mother and my other siblings returned.
And yet.
I saw the tired faces of my mother and siblings when they came home only after night had fallen.
I saw how they looked at me with eyes full of affection, even while exhaustion clung to them.
So I thought it was even less polite to say it then.
I knew it would be cruel to tell them that while they were still tired, still smiling as they came toward me.
So I told myself I would say it the next day. Then, when the next day came, I told myself I would say it the day after.
Even though I knew putting it off would not change anything, I still couldn’t bring myself to speak my heart.
That was how two years passed.
However much I had tried to push them away and turn from them, there was no way the people who had lived beside me for thirteen years would simply not matter.
I pushed them away again and again.
I hid my feelings, and walked forward alone.
And yet, before I knew it, they were no longer strangers.
Before I knew it, I had let someone else into my heart again.
And so I kept taking the same foolish steps in place.
“I knew, but….”
“My disciple.”
“There was nothing I could do about it.”
I loved only you, but there were people who loved only me.
Even if I refused those feelings poured entirely into me, they still found their way inside, quietly slipping through every crack.
I had only longed for you, but over thirteen years, new memories had piled up.
I came to know the villagers’ warmth, and I felt the boundless love of my mother and siblings.
Within that, I let time pass.
Longing for you, regretting, and grieving again.
Turning it over again and again, whispering it, and letting it echo through me once more.
In the time I spent alone, the people of Penril Village were always there.
There were boys who chased after me saying they liked me, and men working the fields who still greeted me when our paths crossed.
There were girls who chattered that they envied how pretty I was, and women who looked at me with pity and slipped food into my hands.
There was my eldest brother, Luca, and my second brother, Noah.
There was also Sophia, the one I had been closest to.
And.
There was my mother.
My mother, who never once stopped telling me she loved me, stayed by my side.
I knew how she prayed late into the night, wishing for my happiness.
I knew the warmth of the arms that had held me, praying that I would not be hurt, that I would not be sick.
I knew the smell of the meat she had saved for me, as she whispered that she was sorry and that she loved me.
When the cold wind slipped through our shabby house, I knew the smile she wore as she pulled even her own blanket over me.
When summer heat left me gasping, I knew the sweat on her brow as she kept fanning me until I fell asleep.
Because of all that, I had gathered up every one of those feelings poured into me.
“After seeing that… how am I supposed to say it, sob… sniff…?”
“Yes, my disciple. I’d forgotten. I’d forgotten you were still just a child.”
“Sniff… ngh….”
I had known, and still I could not say it before today.
That I would leave behind the people who loved me just as much as you did.
The night came.
The sky was dark, but the stars scattered thickly across it shone brilliantly.
I spent some time with Teacher in the shack where she had been staying, and only this late did I head home.
“My disciple, I can wait a few days, so take your time talking things over and come find me again.”
My teacher said that as she practically chased me out of the shack, and I only gave a quiet nod in reply.
Thud, thud.
My footsteps were as lifeless as ever.
I thought they sounded as weary as my empty heart, but if I thought about it carefully…
Those footsteps were surely born from another feeling I had hidden away all along.
So I went home.
The road back was quiet and dark, and only the stars overhead shone down on me.
Thanks to that, I could hide the troubled, crumpled expression on my face.
My steps stopped in front of the house where I had lived for thirteen years.
All I had to do was open the door, and yet even that small act terrified me.
I wasn’t confident I could open it and face them.
After seeing them again, I would have to lay bare everything in my heart.
I was still the same, even at this age—still unable to grow into someone else.
Just as those thoughts went on, I heard voices.
“Sophia! You burned that one wrong!”
“Ah! I can just eat this one for lunch tomorrow, so I’ll remake it…!”
Behind the worn wooden boards, I heard the familiar voices of two women.
“Brother, don’t we need this too?”
“Noah, after seeing how that noble was dressed earlier, I think he’d only feel embarrassed carrying something like that.”
I could also hear the voices of my two brothers, who had always felt a little distant to me.
Even at this late hour, the sounds from inside the house were bustling and busy.
And before I knew it.
I must have opened the door.
The rusty hinges joining the wooden boards let out a long creak.
….
I took in the scene inside the house.
My mother and Sophia were busily making food.
Luca and Noah were carefully packing my clothes and belongings into the cleanest travel bag they had.
And with the sound of the door opening, my mother’s voice reached me.
“...You’re home, my little one?”
She had clearly been forcing a kind and affectionate smile, and in her hands were side dishes packed with great care.
….
“I thought I should at least make sure you ate well before you left.”
I didn’t need her to say it to know.
Her eyes were full of love for me, and even the sorrow hidden behind it shimmered faintly in the light.
“I’m sorry I can only do this much for you when you’re leaving to go find what you want.”
“Ah….”
There was a sharp sizzle as meat hit the pan.
After I came in and Mother spoke, the others fell silent.
Unlike my mother, who was forcing a smile, all three of them had turned away, their shoulders trembling.
“No matter where you go, don’t get hurt, eat well, and sleep well.”
My mother said that as she neatly packed the food into the lunch container.
“You know you can’t do anything dangerous, right? Your safety always comes first.”
When the box was finally closed, Mother picked it up and came to stand before me.
“Aria.”
“Yes….”
“Be happy.”
My mother had always wished for my happiness above all else.
Her tears fell and dampened the ground at my feet.
“I love you, Aria.”
I.
Even though I had tried, with all my strength, not to think of them as family, they had always been my family.
And so I.
At last, I called her Mom.
“...I love you, Mom.”
My mother’s eyes flew wide open.
For the first time, I had put love into words.
For the first time, I had put the word Mom into my mouth.
Looking at me like that, she smiled as though she were the happiest person in the world.
“...Yes. My little one, always stay healthy, and be sure to be happy.”
She was crying, and so was I.
On that late night in the summer I turned thirteen, I left the village.
Penril Village.
Luca, Noah.
Sophia.
And.
Sarah, my mother.
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