Chapter 13: He (7)
The four years we had spent together had become shorter than the years I had now walked alone. I had opened my eyes at the age of two and, somehow, had grown to eight entirely by myself.
I had met you, fallen so deeply in love, smiled all the time and cried at times too; those days together had been happy beyond words, and yet they could never last forever. That four-year span, both long and heartbreakingly brief, had already drifted into the far past, and with it, one by one, my memories of you had begun to blur.
The places that held those memories, the things that remained from them, I missed them too—but even they were fading now. I was learning to accept a new landscape, a new daily life, and at some point the long sword that once felt so awkward had begun to seem like part of my body.
The maids who washed me and fussed over me no longer felt strange, either. I trained with the knights of the Nirheim Marquis family, reveling in spears and shields, swords and bows. Calling my mother Mother, bowing to my father, looking out from the manor’s upper floors at the garden below and the maids and stewards rushing about their work—those things, and even the rough, sturdy look of Harden in the distance, had all become familiar.
As always, I carried that scenery in my eyes and went to the training ground on time. I swung my sword through the entire morning, and with every cut, the dull ache of missing you was worn down a little more.
But worn down did not mean let go. Even as the edges of those memories thinned and faded, I still loved you truly, and the more those memories dimmed, the more I found myself missing you. Through those four years that had been both long and short, and even now, I could still be certain of one thing: I loved you.
Yes. I had always been certain of that. Even after living a new life, even after receiving a parent’s love for the first time and seeing the smiles of so many different people, even after days of abundance and treatment far beyond what I deserved, I remained convinced that I would never be able to love anyone else again—that there would never be another person willing to die in my place.
That was what I thought. And then, through the seam of those thoughts, a clear voice reached me.
“Liam.”
“...Yeah.”
I answered because, in this manor, only my mother and that girl called me by name.
“If you just keep swinging your sword like that, won’t you get tired? Are you doing it because it’s fun?”
“No.”
The duke’s daughter, a girl my own age, had come to stand beside me before I noticed, watching me with bright eyes.
“Then why do you work so hard every single day?”
She was asking why I trained so fiercely. I didn’t say it aloud, but I knew the answer. When my body was exhausted, there was no room left for my heart to hurt.
It was easiest when I kept swinging and swinging until my strength was completely spent, when I dragged my creaking body back to the manor, washed up, and went straight to sleep. I wanted my body to ache so my heart wouldn’t have to.
Thinking that, I swung my sword again. “Ah, seriously! Why are you so dense? I’m saying stop swinging your sword and come play with me!”
I ignored the voice beside me.
Eshir von Bricht. The duke’s daughter who had come storming into the manor last year.
Eshir was two years older than me. The first day we met, she blushed when she saw me, and Mother, as if she found the whole thing adorable, introduced us to each other.
“Liam, greet her properly. This is Lady Eshir, the precious young lady beloved by Duke Bricht.”
Well, look at that. A duke who loved his precious daughter so much he sent her off to a foreign estate on a whim. I decided then that I had no need to meet the man in the future. I was certain he wasn’t normal either.
Then came a small, clear voice. It was the voice of the girl whose face had gone red while looking at me.
“E-Eshir von Bricht.”
“...I’m Liam Nirheim.”
I gave my reply, though I felt a little uncomfortable. It annoyed me that a connection could continue even when I didn’t want it to. I had wanted so desperately to be bound to you and yet could not be, but now new ties came to me even when I didn’t ask for them, and I hated that.
Still, I couldn’t show that to such a young girl. So I only nodded and continued the conversation.
And so a year passed like that. Since I did nothing but swing my sword every day, it was always Eshir’s job to come to me.
“Liam, if you’re just going to swing your sword every day, then I might as well not even be here.”
“Then you can just go back to Duke Bricht. He’s probably waiting day and night for you, so that works out nicely.”
“Hey!”
Yelling like that, Eshir jabbed me in the side over and over. After a year together, I had learned that this was her way of saying she wanted me to look at her. When I finally shifted my gaze a little, her cheeks puffed out, and she looked surprisingly cute.
I could understand, at last, why people became doting fools over their daughters.
I couldn’t help letting out a small laugh before saying, “I’m taking tomorrow off from training, so let’s go to Harden.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
I nodded, and looking at Eshir, I think I found myself thinking that it would have been nice if I could have married you and had children. It was an impossible delusion, but I let myself hold it anyway.
The next day, Eshir and I went to Harden together. I asked the maids to pack lunch for us and put a picnic mat into a bag. Just in case, a few knights followed behind us wearing cloaks, keeping their distance so Eshir wouldn’t notice.
“Liam, Liam. I want that.”
“What.”
“That grilled meat skewer they sell at the market. I want to eat that again after so long. Mother bought it for me last time, and it was seriously delicious!”
“Seriously. Mother’s gone and ruined another child.”
She had started out being careful because she was the duke’s daughter, but before long my mother had begun teaching her all the wrong things—the art of slacking off in class without getting caught, the fine taste of junk food, and all sorts of strange nonsense like that.
The older I got, the older my mother got too, and yet her behavior never changed from what it had always been. In my eight years of life, I had never seen anything stranger.
“But it’s tasty, though, isn’t it? Let’s just buy one.”
“...Fine. But if you’re still hungry after one, you eat the lunch I brought.”
“Okay!”
Eshir smiled brightly and ran ahead as soon as Harden came into view.
“Hey, slow down—”
Before I could finish, she had already dashed toward the city. Damn it. Her habits were becoming more and more like Mother’s. Was this really all right?
Thinking that, I followed after her.
It was the day of the five-day market. Stalls lined every alley in Harden, and all kinds of colorful odds and ends were displayed on their tables. Hand in hand, we threaded our way through the crowd because there was no other way not to get separated.
“Liam, look at that. That’s pretty.”
“No, what are you even going to do with a ceramic jar?”
“Hmm... maybe send it to Father? I bet he’d like it.”
“That? He’d be lucky if it ended up as a dog bowl.”
“No, Liam. I said it was pretty. Was calling it a dog bowl really the best thing you could come up with?”
Wandering all over the market, Eshir kept pointing at one thing after another.
“Liam, can’t I buy this?”
“What are you going to do with a flyswatter? Use it as a magic wand?”
“No, I’m going to hit you with it because you keep saying mean things.”
“You? As if you could hit me.”
“Look, there you go being mean again. Miss, give me this flyswatter!”
Whenever something flashy caught her eye, or something strange and interesting, she would stop in front of it and chat away. Usually she said something ridiculous, and if I played along, she smiled as though she found it amusing.
Yes. Siwoo, don’t you think this would look pretty hanging on the wall? Just like you, she grabbed silly things with a bright smile and teased me with them. You and I had both enjoyed wandering these alleys like this on dates.
It had probably been the kind of date a poor man like me could afford, but you always smiled as though you were truly happy. From the daylight shining down on us to the evening shadows stretching long across the ground, we let the day drift by like that.
With nothing more than a shabby doll that cost five thousand won, the smile you wore, the kind voice you used, the look in your eyes when you watched only me—everything about you was beautiful.
And then—
“Liam, Liam! What do you think of this?”
“...It’s exactly like you.”
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”
“An insult.”
“Ugh, seriously!”
Eshir kept making me remember those memories, as if she were you—moving through the alleys with a grin, clinging tightly to my hand. Whenever she found something new, she spoke to me first, and before long she’d lift it up and hold it right in front of my eyes, asking again, “What about this? What about this one?”
The look in her eyes, the one that hoped I would be pleased—it was so terribly familiar.
I missed it. So much.
We roamed the market alleys until our stomachs were hungry at last. Even though our joined hands were damp with sweat by then, Eshir still clung to mine and wouldn’t let go.
We spread the picnic mat over a patch of fresh green grass, then took out the lunch boxes we’d been carrying and opened them one by one across the mat.
“Ah, good thing I didn’t eat the skewers. There’s so much here, isn’t there?”
“You’re saying that like you won’t finish all of it.”
After lunch, she was definitely going back to the market and eating grilled skewers first, as always when we came to Harden together.
“Ah, probably not! I’ve been eating less lately, so I won’t eat that much.”
“As if.”
She should at least hide the meat she was already eating before saying that. I let out a long sigh, sat down on the mat, and ate lunch with Eshir. The sky was a flawless blue, but the shade of the trees kept things cool, and bird calls drifted from the forest behind us.
Scenes like that always made me stare blankly ahead. They were the sort of scenery that brought you to mind.
—um, this tastes—
When we used to make lunch together and go out to the park along the Han River, you would complain that it was less comfortable than staying home, and yet you’d still say how happy you were to be out on a picnic with me.
Liam? —, is it tasty—?
Taking a piece of inari sushi from the lunch box, you’d push it straight into my mouth. That scene kept coming back to me.
“Liam!”
And then, with Eshir’s voice calling my other name, food was stuffed into my mouth.
“I told you it was good! Don’t just space out again!”
“...”
“Liam, when we’re together, you should pay attention to me... Huh, are you crying? No, wait. Did you hate it that much?”
I could see Eshir panicking. She opened her eyes wide, wiped away my tears, and held out her hand in front of my mouth, telling me to spit it out quickly.
That must have been why. Time with Eshir was too painful. The way she kept making you overlap with her only hurt me again and again.
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