Phase 4. Yu Gyeong-ae (2)
She had bought a mountain of pretty clothes.
Even though Gyeong-ae had come along, it was still the first real shopping trip she had ever taken with a boyfriend. With every previous boyfriend she had only ever stayed indoors. That was why Hui-gyeong felt so happy. After the amusement park, this was the closest thing to an actual date she could claim.
Whenever she tried on the new outfits and showed them off to Gyeong-hun, he gave her serious, thoughtful reactions. It was nothing like her exes, who had been cold and completely uninterested when she put on clothes ordered online. That difference made Hui-gyeong even happier. She was glad she had chosen Gyeong-hun.
“You look so sad~. Just like a girl who got her confession rejected.”
Gyeong-ae needled at the raw spot inside Hui-gyeong, who had been turned down in the fitting room and come trudging back. Hui-gyeong desperately wished her mother would just leave her alone, but Gyeong-ae kept smiling that mocking little smile and would not stop.
“Have you thought about apologizing yet?”
“…There’s so much to apologize for that saying ‘I’m sorry’ feels almost embarrassing.”
When Hui-gyeong answered like a sigh, her spirit already broken, Gyeong-ae—who had not expected any such answer—was quietly surprised. For the briefest instant a mother’s face, not a rival’s, flickered across her features, but Hui-gyeong never noticed.
“You still have to apologize, though.”
“Even love wears thin if you pile it on too much. How much thinner must ‘I’m sorry’ get?”
“Do you finally understand what you did wrong?”
Hui-gyeong squeezed her eyes shut. Gyeong-ae kept forcing her to remember the things she least wanted to remember, dragging them out into the open and making her face them. The stress of being harassed until she could barely breathe was enormous. That stress was exactly why she had been so sharp-edged with everyone around her—especially Gyeong-hun. Only after the fact would she notice the hurt look on his face, and then Gyeong-ae would use that hurt to tighten the noose again.
Hui-gyeong prayed for even a little breathing room, some time to gather herself. She was barely hanging on under Gyeong-ae’s pressure, and she herself had no idea when she might finally shatter.
“Just leave me alone for a bit.”
“No. We’re running out of time.”
“What time?”
“If you keep spacing out, I’m going to snatch Gyeong-hun away from you.”
Sparks flew in Hui-gyeong’s eyes. Reality slammed back into her and she snarled at Gyeong-ae.
“Don’t talk bullshit. Oppa is mine. He loves me. And I love him.”
“Of course he does. That’s exactly why he got hurt so badly. Do you remember how, when the two of you were fighting nonstop, neither of you cared what the other said?”
“Please just leave me alone. I need even a little time to pull myself together!”
“…There’s nothing easier to seduce than a wounded man.”
Gyeong-ae knew that truth intimately; her own chest had been torn open by that bastard of a husband, and that was precisely how Gyeong-hun had taken root inside her heart.
“But then again, a man like Gyeong-hun isn’t really someone you need to feel that attached to, is he?”
“What—!”
Hui-gyeong could not hold it in and shouted. People nearby turned to look, but she did not care. Watching her daughter fall for the same provocation again and again, Gyeong-ae gave a bitter smile.
“You said it yourself. He’s a good man, but not the best. To me, though, Gyeong-hun is the best~. Why don’t you just hand him over to Mom and go find the man who’s the best for you, Hui-gyeong~?”
For a moment Hui-gyeong went blank, staring at Gyeong-ae with unfocused eyes.
“Mom… don’t do this to me.”
Her voice cracked and stuck in her throat.
“I know I really screwed up.”
Tears did not even pool; they simply slid straight down her cheeks.
“Where am I supposed to go find another man like Oppa?”
The calm, almost flat way she spoke was anything but normal.
“If I split up with Oppa here, I can’t even stay in the house. I’ll have to live like some street whore.”
Gyeong-ae never once showed mercy.
“Ah, so that’s it? You’re scared that if you break up with Gyeong-hun you’ll have to leave home and live like a street whore? I’ll give you money. Enough for one or two months’ rent. In that time you can work a part-time job or whatever and live properly, okay?”
“Mom, how can you… I’m your daughter. How can you say that like it’s nothing?”
“Gyeong-hun is your brother, but he’s also my son. Hui-gyeong, if he rejects me, do you really think I could keep living in that house? I’d be too ashamed. You already took all of that into account, didn’t you? Don’t start playing the pity card now. You and I are the same.”
She pulled a tissue from her handbag and held it out. Hui-gyeong tried to refuse, but Gyeong-ae’s warning was cold.
“If Gyeong-hun sees you like this he’ll worry for sure.”
Left with no choice, Hui-gyeong reached for the tissue—and Gyeong-ae seized her arm.
“Hui-gyeong, last night I had a really good time with Gyeong-hun.”
“…What do you mean?”
“I got him so worked up he lost his head and I touched him a little.”
“How far did you go?”
“Don’t worry. Mom was the one one-sidedly tormenting him. Our Gyeong-hun’s self-control is incredible~. That pure, upright heart of his—I want to make it mine as soon as possible~.”
Hui-gyeong shot to her feet, but Gyeong-ae still did not let go of her arm.
“We’re almost out of time. The longer your apology takes, the more I’ll torment Gyeong-hun every single night. Give him an apology that pours out every feeling in your heart, get his forgiveness, and then I’ll step aside cleanly.”
Faced with Gyeong-ae’s utter seriousness, Hui-gyeong extracted a promise.
“You’re not lying.”
“Absolutely not.”
“…Just wait and see who Oppa chooses.”
Having accepted the final ultimatum, Hui-gyeong shook her arm free and headed for the restroom. The moment their conversation ended, the surrounding noise rushed back in. After Hui-gyeong’s shout the two of them had only whispered, so people had already lost interest and gone back to their own business.
Relieved that at least that much was fortunate, Gyeong-ae let out a long breath.
“Being a mom is way too hard…”
Who would ever accept this tangled mess of feelings? She hoped it would be Gyeong-hun. But she had already given the first move to Hui-gyeong—even going so far as to lie for Gyeong-hun’s sake.
“If you hadn’t been my daughter, there wouldn’t have been any ‘chance’ at all~.”
She had scraped every last raw nerve. Even if Hui-gyeong begged for more words now, Gyeong-ae had nothing left to say. Everything that remained depended solely on what Hui-gyeong would do next. And if Hui-gyeong threw this chance away, Gyeong-ae had no intention of ever giving her a second one.
Lunch had long since passed; evening was still just around the corner. We left the department store with both hands full of paper bags stuffed with the clothes we had bought. Everyone had been excited going in, but coming out we were quiet. It was more than just shopping fatigue—Hui-gyeong’s drooping shoulders kept drawing my eye.
I glanced back at my little sister trailing slowly behind us, and Mom spoke to me.
“A lot’s happened since yesterday. Want me to give you two some time to talk?”
“Yeah. Please.”
“Then Mom’ll walk on ahead~.”
She snatched a few of the bags from me, winked, and strode forward. I slowed my steps until I was walking beside Hui-gyeong.
“Hui-gyeong.”
She looked up at me briefly, then dropped her gaze to the pavement again and drew a heavy breath. I had no idea what to say, but I couldn’t just stay silent either. She was carrying shopping bags too, yet unlike me her left hand was free. I lightly bumped that empty hand and forced a cheerful tone.
“Can you at least hold my wrist?”
“…That’s a first.”
“What is?”
“You asking to hold hands first.”
“Really? At the amusement park I may not have held your hand, but I remember linking arms and wrapping my arm around your shoulders.”
“That was all because I clung to you first.”
Carefully she wrapped her fingers around my wrist. Just like she used to, she stroked the back of my hand with her thumb and managed a faint smile.
“It’s been forever. Walking side by side with you like this.”
“Strictly speaking it hasn’t been that long, but it sure feels like it.”
“Yeah.”
The conversation refused to stretch any further. Normally we would have been bickering and chattering about nothing in particular; this quiet Hui-gyeong felt alien. We walked together a little longer until she stopped first. I halted a step later.
“Oppa.”
“Yeah.”
“I think this is about the distance.”
“What distance?”
“The distance between our hearts. We’re closer than anyone, yet we just can’t get any closer than this.”
“Hui-gyeong.”
She spoke calmly, but the words made my heart drop. It was something fundamental about our relationship, and it carried the shadow of rejection. I half expected her next sentence to declare the end of us. I held my breath and listened.
“I feel like something’s going wrong with us. Do you love me, Oppa? I love you.”
“Of course I love you.”
“Then why do you find me so hard to deal with?”
A serious question, a serious face. It felt a little unfair—after a whole day of shopping, this was the atmosphere we got? Still, I couldn’t deny that we needed to look hard at ourselves.
“Leaving the love aside, how do you actually see me?”
“Hui-gyeong.”
“Be honest.”
“……”
“Please. I don’t want us to end like this. You haven’t forgotten that we’re the kind of pair that can’t just break up, right? If we keep going this way we could end up exactly like Dad and Mom.”
“……”
“No matter how much I think about it, the only future I see is me becoming like Dad and you becoming like Mom.”
She clutched my wrist tightly and looked up at me with a pitiful expression. The effort she was making to fix things moved me. I could finally be honest.
“I’m scared of you. You intimidate me.”
“…Why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because the only memories I have are of you scolding me. Sure, I played too many pranks, but every little thing I did seemed to hurt your feelings, and I started walking on eggshells until I just got crushed.”
Tears welled, yet she did not cry. Instead she stared at me with wide eyes, wearing the look of someone who refused to believe what she was seeing.
“Oppa.”
“Yeah.”
“Give me some time.”
“What kind of time?”
Anxiety flooded me, but I had to ask. At last she let go of my wrist.
“Time to think about our relationship.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ll go back to the beginning and think about everything—about me, about you. Then I’ll tell you everything: what’s best for us, what my heart really wants… so just give me a little time.”
Let’s take some time to think. The classic line couples say right before they break up. Suddenly every piece of advice people around me had ever given flashed through my mind: if it doesn’t fit, if you can’t repent, better to separate.
“No. Let’s talk right now instead.”
“Oppa, please… I’m scared I’ll just hurt you again.”
“That’s exactly why we should talk!”
“I’m trying to be careful too, so why are you acting like this!”
I couldn’t understand why she decided everything on her own and simply announced it to me. If something was wrong, we could talk it out. We could lay our feelings bare and figure out where we had gone off track. My jaw clenched so hard the muscles ached, but I counted under my breath and tried to shove down the anger and irritation.
“You’re really being too much right now.”
“Oppa…”
“Fine. Thinking time. I’ll take some too.”
“Oppa!”
Pathetic. Truly pathetic, Jo Gyeong-hun. You could have just said okay, yet you had to get snippy and tack on extra crap. What the hell is this knot of resentment sitting in your chest?
Footsteps approached at a steady pace. Mom. She didn’t even glance at me; she simply took Hui-gyeong’s hand.
“Let’s go, Hui-gyeong.”
“Mom… hic.”
“Yeah, Mom’s right here. Come on, let’s go home.”
She soothed the girl who was about to burst into tears, wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and brushed past me. As she passed she delivered a rebuke in a voice firmer than I had ever heard from her.
“What you just did… even Mom is disappointed.”
The two of them grew smaller and smaller. I stayed behind alone, watching their backs. Even standing in front of a department store, my ears filled with nothing but silence.
“Fuck…”
I’m so goddamn lonely.