At Fourteen, We Slowly Begin to Realize Our Feelings (5)
A little is okay.
The moment I heard those words, one question immediately popped into my head.
...A little? What exactly does that mean?
Did she literally mean just a little—like brushing hands for a second before pulling away? Or was she saying I could go further, but only in moderation? Since I had no way of knowing Aki's true intentions, I spent a solid three seconds seriously contemplating the exact definition of "a little."
Usually when people say "a little," they mean a short amount of time, so...
Aki's words probably leaned toward the second meaning. In other words, touching was allowed, but only in moderation. That's what she meant by "a little is okay." Or maybe she was actually fine with a lot more but felt too embarrassed to admit it.
"......"
My brain was running wild with happy scenarios. My mouth went dry, and I couldn't keep my hands or feet still, so I kept clenching and unclenching my fists. Anyone watching me right now would have called me an absolute idiot. But I couldn't help it.
This was my first time touching a girl's body—Aki's body, specifically. Sure, we'd held hands and kissed when we were little, but that was back when we were too young to understand anything, so it didn't count. The point was, this was the first time since I'd learned about that kind of stuff that I would be touching her.
When I say "touch," it makes me sound like I have impure motives, but anyway...
"......"
Aki stared up at me in silence, her face flushed bright red. I stood in front of her, quietly wrestling with the thought Is it really okay to touch her...? before deciding, Well, she did tell me I could, so it should be fine, right?
With the kind of instinctive decision only a fourteen-year-old boy in the throes of puberty could make, I gave in to my impulses.
"Aki."
"Yeah...?"
Yeah. Let's do it. If I didn't touch her now, when would I ever get another chance...!
"You said I could touch you, so I'm really going to. Okay?"
Having made up my mind, I looked down at her and spoke.
"......!"
Aki flinched as if startled, her already large eyes growing even rounder.
"W-Wooju-chan...! A-Are you serious...?"
"Yeah, I'm serious."
"Eek, u-uh, ah...."
Aki let out strange little noises, unable to hide her panic. From her reaction, it was clear she'd never imagined I'd actually follow through. If that was the case, she had seriously underestimated the curiosity of a fourteen-year-old boy.
Any guy would understand. Once a boy in puberty gets his first glimpse behind the curtain, all kinds of fantasies bloom in his head. When an opportunity to make those fantasies real suddenly appears, no teenage boy on Earth would let it slip away. Anyone who would is either not actually a guy or has some equipment that isn't working.
Since I was neither, I dropped down heavily onto the spot beside the crimson-faced Aki.
"Aki."
"Y-Yeah...?"
"How far am I allowed to touch?"
I stared straight into her eyes as I asked. Even though she'd given permission, I felt like I should confirm the boundaries first.
Her already flushed face burned even hotter, reaching its absolute limit.
"......E-Eh?!"
"......"
I didn't push her. I just waited quietly. Instinct told me this wasn't the kind of thing you could rush.
"......"
"......"
Our eyes met in the space between us. We sat side by side, close enough that two fists could fit between us—neither too far nor too near.
If Aki gave the word, I could reach out and touch her anywhere I wanted.
"......"
"......"
"......Um, Aki?"
"Na......"
"Huh? What did you just say..."
Aki clenched her fist tight. Then she shouted.
"Pretend that never happened!"
"......Huh?"
I thought I'd misheard. What Aki had just said meant exactly that—let's pretend it never happened.
"Cancel! ...I-I take back everything I just said! It's invalid!"
When I looked at her in confusion over the sudden cancellation, Aki shook her head vigorously, her face as red as a ripe apple.
"What? N-No..."
What the—? Cancel? Just like that?
It felt like a lightning bolt out of a clear sky. I'd been waiting with bated breath, heart racing over where she might let me touch, only for her to suddenly declare the whole thing null and void. It was like getting smacked in the back of the head.
"W-Wooju-chan, you pervert! Total pervert...! I-I never thought you'd actually try to touch me just because I said it was okay...!"
"......But you told me to."
"I-I don't know! Just cancel it, okay? Cancel!"
"......"
Cancel. The touching was canceled. Two ordinary words that, when combined, hit me like a hammer to the skull.
For a moment I felt completely drained. A heavy sigh escaped me before I could stop it.
...Figures.
I'd thought things were going too smoothly. If I'd known this would happen, I should have just touched her without asking first. The regret came too late—the water had already spilled. While mentally kicking myself for having such perverted thoughts, I suddenly felt pathetic and shot up from my seat.
"W-Wooju-chan...! Where are you going...?"
"I'm not going anywhere. I just stood up to lay out the futon on the floor."
My expectations had been crushed so thoroughly that my reply came out a little sharper than I'd intended. But Aki didn't seem to notice my mood at all. She pressed her palm against the spot where I'd been sitting and leaned her upper body toward me.
"Wooju-chan, you're not sleeping in the bed...?"
"I was going to sleep in the bed if you let me touch you, but you said I couldn't."
"Ah, aah...."
My curt response left Aki looking utterly dejected. With nothing left to say, she chewed her lip and fidgeted with the bedsheet before finally murmuring,
"I-I'm sorry..."
"It's fine. You don't need to apologize. We'll just sleep separately from now on."
"......Um, Wooju-chan."
She scooted closer and grabbed the hem of my pajama top.
"Can't we just sleep together...?"
"Aki, didn't you hear what I said?"
"B-But..."
Squeeze.
"I want to sleep together with Wooju-chan..."
"Aki, you..."
I tried to pull her hand away and refuse firmly, but...
"......You won't?"
"......"
The look in her eyes that followed—those slightly watery, glistening eyes—made it impossible.
"Wooju-chan..."
"......Fine. We'll sleep together."
"Eek, really...? Thank you, Wooju-chan~!"
The moment I reluctantly agreed, the sadness vanished from Aki's face as if it had never been there. She lit up instantly.
"I'll get everything ready, so you just come over when you're done, Wooju-chan!"
"......"
Watching her expression flip that fast, I realized I got played again... But I'd already said yes. Taking it back now would mean lying.
Four years ago I'd promised Aki I would never lie. So even though it was unfair, Aki could lie to me, but I could never lie to her. Not that she'd ever blatantly lied to me before. Except in these very specific situations.
"Wooju-chan, Wooju-chan! I'm all done preparing! Come over and lie down!"
While I'd been lost in thought, Aki had finished setting up the bed and was patting the spot beside her invitingly. I pretended to feel awkward and reluctant, hesitating on purpose before walking over and lying down next to her.
"It's not even bedtime yet..."
"It's fine! If we lie down and talk, it'll be time to sleep before we know it!"
Summer was approaching, but the nights were still chilly. I pulled the blanket up to my chest. Aki did the same.
"Wooju-chan, turn on your side. Face the wall over there!"
"On my side? Why?"
"Mmm, hurry...!"
"...What are you planning?"
I followed her instructions and rolled over so my back was to her. Then—
Hug.
She wrapped her arms around me from behind.
"......!"
The sudden soft pressure against my back made my entire body go rigid. But Aki, who was hugging me, seemed to be having the time of her life. I could hear her giggling behind me.
"......Aki, what are you doing?"
"Don't you know what a dakimakura is?"
"I know what it is, but..."
I was about to ask why she was hugging me from behind when I wasn't a body pillow. Before I could, Aki squirmed as if adjusting her position and pressed even closer. Her curves molded perfectly against my body. An indescribable feeling washed over me, and I swallowed hard.
...Whoa. That was dangerous.
I won't specify what part was dangerous or why.
"Mmm, there. Now it's comfortable..."
"It's uncomfortable for me..."
"Eek, really? Then do you want to hug me instead, Wooju-chan?"
"......No. Let's just stay like this."
If I hugged her in this state, it would be a complete catastrophe. I chanted in my head like a monk in meditation—If I mess up here, everything ends—and desperately tried to calm myself.
"Hey, Wooju-chan...?"
The moment I got my heart under control, Aki launched her next attack. She seemed to genuinely think of me as a body pillow. She wrapped her arms around my waist, pulled me close, and whispered into my ear.
"I'm really sorry about not letting you touch me earlier... I was actually planning to let you at first...?"
"......Yeah, but?"
"But the way you were looking at me was so scary that I got nervous. Sorry, Wooju-chan..."
"......"
What kind of look had I been giving her to make her scared? The question flickered through my mind, but it vanished instantly when Aki pressed her body even tighter against mine while apologizing.
"So, it's not really compensation, but..."
Squeeze.
"Later... much later..."
Squeeze, squeeze.
...Ah, I'm losing my mind.
"When we've both grown up a little more. Like, when we're in high school... I'll grant you one wish, Wooju-chan. ...How about it?"
"......"
I was concentrating so hard on other things that I barely registered what she was saying. All I caught was that she'd asked me a question. So I gave a vague nod without moving much.
"......Yeah, sure. Let's do that."
"Eek, really...? Then you'll forgive me, Wooju-chan...?"
"Yeah, I'll forgive you.... So, um..."
I was about to ask her to move away a little when—
"Mm, okay...! I like you, Wooju-chan...!"
With a delighted voice, Aki whispered those words and wriggled even closer, pressing herself tightly against me. In the end...
...Ah.
A massive disaster happened that I couldn't possibly tell Aki about. I suffered tremendously, hiding it until she finally fell asleep.
"Wooju-chan, are you asleep...?"
"...No, why?"
"I have something I'm curious about.... Can I ask?"
"What is it..."
"So, who was that girl you played with after school?"
"......"
"Wooju-chan......?"
"......I thought we were done talking about that?"