The Lifelong Single Girl Is So, So Jealous of Couples Having Sex
"Uuuaaaaargh~~!!"
Save for the Tower Master, she was all but the ruler of this place — the 【Great Witch of the East】, Lee Ian — and she had just driven her head down into her office desk. Only a heartbeat before the mother-of-pearl nameplate reading [【Maan】 Representative — Lee Ian], ornately inlaid with a dragon motif, could clatter to the floor, her right-hand man, the bald one, caught it without so much as fumbling.
"Master. Are you quite all right?"
"Do those eyes of yours see this as 'all right'~!?"
Pointing at the mountain of documents stacked on her desk, she hammered her forehead down against it — thud, thud, thud. Every time she did, the paper pile rose and fell right along with her, keeping perfect rhythm.
"Look at this, just look… Notices flying in from every embassy in the world… a unilateral withdrawal notice from the Korean government… interview requests from every broadcasting station… invoices pouring in for every safe floor, the black market, and now the entire floor-41-through-49 workload dumped on top of it… Chomok must be planning something, because they're raising hell demanding I convene all the guild masters… and Bronze Shield is barely holding on — Nayami still hasn't come back, so Uhwudong is dragging herself around from her sickbed……"
No matter how she looked at it, this was not a workload for a twenty-seven-year-old woman.
Aside from Lee Ian and Baldie Sunglasses, there were others in the office handling miscellaneous tasks, but every one of them had a receiver pressed to an ear, too busy fielding calls to look her way.
"The major matters have been more or less sorted out, have they not? We may not know the reason behind Chomok's demand, but it is hardly something we cannot grant."
"Uweee~! That's not the point! The work never gets any smaller! Even if I clear all of this today, another pile just like it will be waiting tomorrow! When, oh when, am I ever supposed to rest?!"
Sniffling, she begged someone — anyone — to just let her live.
As she slapped her palm against her beautifully dyed platinum-blonde hair, wailing that it would turn gray at this rate, everyone around her could only sigh in helpless resignation.
"You finished the biggest items this morning. Leave the rest to us and go blow off some steam."
"Streeeam~? And where exactly am I supposed to find that~!?"
"You have done nothing but sit at that desk of late. The 41st floor has opened, after all — go run wild for a while. It would clear your head, would it not?"
"Uweh, that delinquent floor~?"
"Yes. Have a look at this."
He held out a single sheet of paper toward Ian, who was resting her chin on the desk. It was a report concerning the 41st floor. To summarize what was written there:
[Per the 【Cartographer】 guild, there is only ONE safe zone between floors 41 and 49.]
[The succubi respawning here are more hostile than on any other floor, and harbor a strong will to invade the surface.]
[Most of the hunters who rushed in right after the floor opened, chasing a quick fortune, were badly hurt.]
[Fortunately, the members of the 【Chomok】 and 【Bronze Shield】 guilds joined forces and managed to stem the overflow.]
[Furthermore, Madame, guild master of the 【OP】 guild, joined in and lent active assistance, and a battle line was successfully established.]
"Ahem… So they're having a rough time of it, as expected…"
"It was a problem floor in the past, but the present is worse than that ever was. The enemy resistance was so ferocious that, by all accounts, everyone had the life scared out of them on the very first push."
"Ha, this would have been Natalia's kind of job…"
"You heard the reports yourself, Master. Rank 2 is no longer a card we can play."
"I know… She crossed the line, got done in by Nayami and Changki, and turned into a toy… Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that damned bitch had a hand in human trafficking…"
"Knew it or not, this is our guild's blunder — and above all, yours, Master. Something should have been done from the moment Lady Nayami was strong-armed into joining us; instead, you stood by and watched the rampage play out to the very end. Once she began ignoring us and acting on her own, it was only a matter of time before things came to this."
"Still, Nayami is Nayami. If she'd given me so much as a heads-up…"
"…She likely assumed it would not have helped. In point of fact, were you not receiving your own share of aid through Rank 2?"
"Uuu. So in the end, this all happened because I can't be trusted~? Fine! I know, I knooow~! Why meeee~~!!"
………
Baldie Sunglasses knew Ian's workload just as well. Looking at things from her position, he understood full well that she had never been in any state to cast Natalia out — and so he did not scold her too deeply.
"…Setting that aside, please look at this."
Instead, he handed over a report that had only just come up — more on the 41st floor, same as before.
"What now…?"
[Furthermore, while the battle line was successfully established, the enemy's condition is far from normal.]
[The gimmicks remain unchanged; however, in response to them, the succubi have begun attacking in an organized manner.]
[As if some leader were issuing orders to them.]
[I cannot express it precisely, but if only for a thorough investigation, the 41st floor must be broken through.]
"A leader…"
"It appears another anomaly has occurred. As of now it poses no problem, but one never knows — it seems prudent to cull them quickly."
"Hmm."
She skimmed the next page. There sat a report that neither Ian nor Baldie Sunglasses could begin to parse.
[There is one more matter here that demands special caution.]
[On the 41st floor, battles must NOT be allowed to drag on.]
[For the longer a battle drags on, the greater the odds that a Knight will come barging in.]
"A K-Knight?"
[Astonishingly, the Knights' true identity was the Constellations.]
[They were strange beings who either lent us aid, or else disrupted the fighting.]
[At first I assumed this, too, was a gimmick of the Tower, but apparently it is not.]
[The Tower's Constellations are genuinely appearing of their own accord and have begun meddling with the hunters.]
"Knights? Isn't this those Constellations Changki talked about?"
"Probably not. Keep reading. The Knights described in this report are not merely one or two."
"Wha—!?"
[The Knights who interfere with us are broadly divided into three factions.]
[The first: the White Knights.]
[No one knows why, but they appear mid-battle as allies who take the hunters' side.]
[The moment a cry of 'Pure Love' is heard from somewhere, they swarm in within seconds.]
[Their defining trait: they are on catastrophically bad terms with the Jet-Black Knights described below.]
[The second: the Jet-Black Knights.]
[The polar opposites of the White Knights, they are hostile to us for no discernible reason.]
[They are few in number, but each and every one is a powerful Constellation; they must be faced as a group.]
[They also share a habit of endlessly chanting words like 'Brainwashing,' 'Hypnosis,' or 'Golden Sun.']
[Lastly: the Odd-Colored Knights.]
[For the most part they are bystanders, and do no harm so long as you do not touch them first.]
[Instead, should you approach, they will subject you to hours upon hours of impassioned debate over their one true ship.]
[Be warned: get carelessly caught up in it, and you will waste your time.]
………
"Something quite extraordinary has occurred…"
Ian seriously wrestled with whether 'extraordinary' was a word that could cover any of this. At the very least, back in the old days — before the Tower Master's involvement, when the 41st floor had been in full swing — no such phenomenon had ever taken place. Constellations suddenly manifesting to brawl with one another: there were limits to how far the unexpected could go.
"…Ha. Why am I only getting this now?"
"It came in last night."
"Not agaaain!! This work is never going to eeeend~~!!"
Slamming her forehead into the desk once more — bang, bang, bang, bang — she snatched up her phone with one hand. In a situation like this, there was only one person alive she could call for help.
"To whom are you placing a call?"
"Hong. Chang. Ki!"
"To think we must lean on that man yet again. I worry he might sneer at us — 'My, my, the Tower gets along just fine, doesn't it?'"
"That's exactly my point! At this rate I'm nothing but a leech clinging to Chomok's coattails!"
In effect, Rank 2 was retired from the game, and Ranks 5 and 6 might just be enemies capable of toppling the Tower itself. If Ian ever learned that those two were running the black market between them, she would faint on the spot from pure stress.
"Phew~! Hooah, calm down. It's not a big deal. Right? It's not as if every Constellation turned hostile, is it? They've come out into the open, which means I can make use of them, can't I!?"
"Any tool is only as good as the hand that wields it. Since Hong Changki is on speaking terms with a great many Constellations, this may even be a welcome turn of events."
"See~!? You think so too!"
Corking down the stress that had just geysered up, she waited for the other end to pick up.
Riiing. Riiing. Riiing…
Perhaps because he had been such a tremendous help in conquering the Tower, Ian had 'for some reason' come to think of him as an extremely close friend — and now that this Hong Changki was not picking up, she found herself anxious to a degree that surprised even her.
'Why isn't he picking up?'
Her leg trembled and rattled beneath the desk. Just as she was about to set the phone down, wondering if he was in some situation where he simply couldn't answer—
— Click!
'Oh, he picked up! …Hm?'
— Smack smack smack!
From the other end of the line, in place of any greeting, came the sound of something striking at a perfectly steady rhythm.
"Whew… Hello."
"You've reached Hong Changki's mobile phone."
"May I ask what this call is regarding?"
'Hmmm~?'
The call had been answered — but the one answering was not Hong Changki. Over an unbroken background of smack, smack, smack, someone had picked up in his stead. She recognized the owner of that brusque voice instantly.
"You're Seres, aren't you?"
"Yes. This is Seres."
"And that voice would be Lady Ian."
"What business brings you calling?"
"That's my line to ask. I didn't dial your number — I called Changki. So who do you think I was trying to reach?"
"My apologies."
"That was a rather airheaded thing to say."
"We are in the middle of something rather busy… and my mind… simply drifted off……!!"
"……Nnn!? Ngh♡ Ngh♡ Nnngh♡"
"…Seres?"
At the moans suddenly seeping through the receiver, Ian's eyes thinned to slits. The steady smacking soon warped into a rapid-fire popping — pah, pah, pah, like something bursting — laced with a deeply unpleasant sort of breathing.
"Hey. Seres. What are you doing right now? Why are you answering Changki's phone?"
"Aah♡ U-, uh, uuunngh♡"
"I'm sorry… but we are in the middle of something with my 'Master' right now…"
"If it is not urgent… nngh! Hah, ngh, may I… contact you this evening…!?"
…Master?
The sound of flesh slapping against flesh kept pouring through the line, and Ian's face flushed crimson in an instant. She was no fool — she knew exactly what was happening on the other end.
"E-, eh? W-, wait a moment! What do you mean 'we'?! Who else is in there with you!?"
"A-, uh, it is quite all right."
"They are not strangers to you, Lady Ian… they are people you know very well… uuooonngh~♡"
"Hnnn… hngg…! Lady Brigitte is, also here…!"
"So there is no need… to worry over anything strange…!"
"What do you mean, no need to worry!? You're telling me Auntie Bri is in there TOO?? Where in that entire situation am I supposed to find a single reassuring thing!!!"
Anyone with eyes could see: sex in progress. And what was more, behind the Seres currently taking her call, she could hear a man — presumably Hong Changki — muttering under his breath. Just as she'd claimed, they were right in the thick of it; Seres forced out each reply with her moans stuffed firmly down her throat.
"Hngg… one moment, please…"
"We truly are rather… busy…"
"I will contact you… once we finish… nngh…!"
"Please, stop for just a moment… Master…! Ngh… uuunnngh~♡ Haah~♡"
— Click.
Right before the line died, she heard Seres let out one final, throaty moan. Ian's mind had been hurled like a boomerang, whistling a full lap around the office before it finally, mercifully, came back to her.
"…Baldie?"
"With respect, Master… he is a man in the prime of his life, after all. He did bring Lady Seres along for the floor conquest, and you were already well aware that things between the two of them were… as they are?"
"I know! I'm aware! So why is Auntie Bri in there tooooo!!!"
"Perhaps that is simply how things are done in our Tower. There was the matter of Lady Rhea as well — it may well have been love at first sight."
"And that means he just embraces every woman who comes along?! Both of them rankers, no less?! Just how spacious is that guy's embrace!?"
"Is it not only natural that Hong Changki's embrace be spacious?"
He drew himself up proudly.
"This is the great man who was called into the Tower out of nowhere and smashed his way to the fortieth floor in this short a span of time. Surely one woman — or two — is nothing for him to hold."
"Baldie, aren't you being way too calm about this!?"
"It is the guild master who is overreacting, if I may say. Consider the average hunter of this Tower — by that standard, that much is practically wholesome."
"W-, wholesome? A man who carts two women around with him is 'wholesome'?"
"Strictly by Tower standards, that is."
He called the man wholesome — he doesn't even do drugs — and then tacked on one remark too many.
"Ah. Now that I think of it, Master has no experience with romance, does she. Well, viewed through such eyes, I suppose it would indeed look rather overwhelming."
"AAAAAAGH!! It's not my fault I'm forever single! It's all Mom's fauuuult!!!!"
Bang! Bang! Bang!
She drove her forehead into the desk three times in a row.
With that thunderous head-banging of a born-and-bred single virgin as the finale, Ian found herself unable to move for quite some time afterward.
Every man she had ever set her sights on, snatched away, one and all, by none other than her own mother. A pitiful woman, bathed in the sorrowful glances of every colleague sharing her office.