Two Cowards
After that, nothing much happened.
We ordered delivery, ate breakfast, and went right back to loafing around. I did make sure to apologize properly, of course. It was her private life, after all.
Baek Serin lay sprawled across the bed, tapping at her phone. She was probably catching up on whatever she hadn't finished saying to her parents.
I thought about gaming the way I usually did until it was time to leave for work, but with Serin right there beside me, I couldn't bring myself to.
"Baek Serin. Anything you feel like doing?"
As if my voice had tugged her, Serin whipped her head around from where she'd buried it in the mattress and met my eyes.
"…I'm fine just staying like this, you know?"
"Don't lie down the second you finish eating."
Baek Serin shot upright at once and set her phone down on the bed. She listened, at least.
"What do you usually do when you're home?"
"My phone, I guess? The rest of the time… I came to see you, didn't I?"
"……So you're really not going to do anything?"
"Mm… but I… just looking at your face is… enough…."
She stared straight at me, then immediately hid her face between her knees. She had no trouble saying things like that without a second thought, and yet the embarrassment still refused to go away.
More than that, why couldn't I get used to it? I was sure I'd let it slide without so much as a flicker yesterday morning. Now every line she tossed out seemed to circle inside me—the kind of feeling that wouldn't digest.
How long did we keep that up, dodging those strange looks and then meeting them again? Serin's tightly closed lips slowly parted.
"…Hey, or should we just work out at home……?"
"That'd be fine, except you don't have a change of clothes."
"You've got clothes."
The way she shot it back, perfectly unbothered, left me with nothing to say. Clothes could be washed, and wearing them for a little while wouldn't stretch them out. It was just that she said it like the most obvious thing in the world, and I had no answer left.
"Heeey… or else, even the clothes you're wearing—"
"Are the movers coming today?"
"……Tch. Yeah. I'll have to stop by for a bit today."
Maybe she didn't like how blatantly I'd cut her off. Serin pinched her brow, let out a heavy sigh, and glanced at the phone lying on the bed.
If the boxes were coming in today, I figured I ought to tidy the place a little before I headed out.
"I should shower and get to work soon. Stop by then."
"…Huh? Wait—? Work? You said you were quitting."
"I still have to tell them in person. And hand things over."
"……Ugh. I don't want you to."
Baek Serin crumpled her whole face and glared at me through eyes gone thin.
"…Can't you just call?"
"That feels a little wrong, doesn't it? I worked there for quite a while."
Serin pushed her lips out and kept glaring. Before long, as if she'd made up her mind about something, she suddenly spread both arms.
I stared, blank, wondering what she was doing, and the face she'd scrunched so hard slowly settled back into place. Then she slid her eyes to the side and let a small voice slip out. No—she was all over the place, if anything.
"……Ah, ugh, hey—!! This is pissing me off, so hurry up and hug me…."
"……."
Maybe she'd decided that saying it angry was easier than saying it shy.
……I understood that much. A hug, though, out of nowhere.
I stared blankly at the arms she'd thrown open. For a second I wondered if she actually meant it, but no matter how long I waited, she showed no sign of putting them down. If anything, the longer it went, the redder her face became. And still the arms stayed exactly where they were. In the end, after her lips had worked soundlessly for ages, Serin couldn't hold it in and rushed me.
"……Hey, hurry uuup……."
"……Ah."
Now I was getting self-conscious too. Leaving her waiting like this would be its own kind of torture. Grabbing her outright, though……
…Ah, whatever.
How long had we known each other? This was nothing. It was only a hug.
I moved the feet I'd been hesitating on and carefully climbed onto the bed. For a moment I just stayed there. Hugging her with no warning felt wrong, so I stole a glance at Serin.
Her eyes were darting everywhere, flustered beyond words. The arms that had been hovering awkwardly around my upper body began, slowly, to come down.
Honestly, I was embarrassed too. I'd meant to get it over with fast, but seeing her that thrown only made the hesitation worse. On top of that, what Baek Serin had on was ridiculously thin. If I hugged her like this, I'd notice.
In the end I moved from where I'd frozen and shifted around behind her. Her gaze followed, as if she couldn't figure out what I was doing. Avoiding her eyes, I settled in at her back and offered a single line. An excuse, of a sort.
"…This counts as using a wish."
"……Hey, isn't that kind of cheap…?"
"Then forget it."
"……Ah, I said I get iiit……."
It was clearly nothing. Between a man and a woman—between a couple, even—the sort of light contact you saw all the time. Holding hands. Stroking someone's hair. A casual hug.
…….
I let out a short breath and slowly reached forward, trying not to be aware of any of it, thinking only about where my hands were supposed to go. Avoiding her chest, I wrapped my arms carefully around her stomach.
She flinched.
At the same time Serin curled in on herself and turned her head forward. Through the hair swaying gently, one ear burned bright red. I kept an awkward gap so my palms wouldn't actually touch her, and held my breath in case she heard even that.
How long passed like that. No—had any time passed at all. About three seconds. Or five?
Even so, figuring that was enough, I started to pull my arms away—and Baek Serin's hands laid themselves over mine. The palms I'd worked so hard to keep hovering finally came down on her clothes.
It was only fabric, and yet the material was so thin it felt like skin against skin. Because of that, I couldn't move my hands carelessly.
"……What are you doing."
"Hnn— hey… don't whisper in my ear……."
"…You're not letting go, so what am I supposed to do."
"……Aah… no. Just a little longer…."
Pressed this close, Baek Serin's scent went straight up my nose. She wasn't wearing perfume, and it was coming off the nape of Serin in my clothes—nothing artificial, her own scent, tickling the tip of my nose.
Just being stuck together like this was already honestly too much, and her hands, clamped tight around my wrists, pulled me in closer still. Close enough that if I didn't tip my head back, I'd be buried against the nape of her neck.
"……Hey. Let go."
"……I said no, and, and……."
Head dropped low, Serin went on.
"You—you could get free if you just used a little strength, but you're not……."
"……."
I couldn't think of a decent excuse. Just as she'd said, it was a grip I could have shaken off with the slightest effort. I knew that. I had to let go.
"…You'd hate it."
"……That's an excuse."
"……Then I'll let go?"
"……No."
A brief silence.
"…How long are we doing this."
"……One more minute."
"……."
One minute. Exactly one minute. Such a short stretch of time.
The head I'd carefully drawn back lost its strength and began to sink. Maybe I'd already been wondering whether I even needed to avoid her. Baek Serin's short hair brushed my cheek, close enough that one more shift would knock me into the earlobe burning bright red.
Across that narrow gap, I quietly counted in my head, one number at a time. The scent grew thicker. Serin's cheek flushed redder as the seconds passed. And still, as if she had no intention of letting go, her fingers closed tight around my hand.
What number had I gotten to.
At some point the numbers stopped coming. Even when I tried to think of something else, this moment filled my head completely. If it kept going, my self-control was going to start screaming first, so I finally broke the silence that had stretched on and on.
"……Letting go."
"……Mm. Okay…."
The strength in Serin's grip slowly faded. How hard Baek Serin was holding on had never really been the point. Looked at coldly, it was more accurate to say I was the one holding on to her.
So I slowly unwound the arms that had been around her and shifted back a little, trying to get out of air that had gone hot. Baek Serin kept letting out short breaths—hoo—and her head was still bowed.
In the air that had turned strange between us, only the sound of flushed breathing barely carried.
We'd only been hugging. From behind, at that. Why was something so small this overwhelming.
Maybe she'd settled a little. This time, Serin spoke first.
"……Hey."
"…What."
"Why… did you hug me from behind."
"……."
I didn't think I could say it was because I was conscious of her chest. Not if it killed me.
…….
No. Honestly, would hiding it even matter. We caught on to each other fast enough anyway.
"My chest… does it bother you?"
"……Yeah."
"……."
At the answer I'd given so honestly, Serin stayed silent for a while, as if thrown. I was this flustered—how much worse was it for the person it was actually about. After swallowing her words again and again, she finally let out a thin breath once some time had passed.
"……Haa… hey."
"……What."
"……When you get back from work… hug me again."
"……."
I couldn't get an answer out.
As if pressing me for one, Serin slowly turned her head. Cheeks still burning red. Lips pressed hard under her front teeth. Even as they parted, faintly, eyes that looked straight at me. At last she let out a small breath and released the lip she'd been biting down.
"……This time, hug me from the front."
"……."
"…You hear meee……."
"……Okay."
Maybe she still hadn't gotten her heated breathing under control; Serin's chest rose and fell, slow. After steadying it several times, she quietly lowered her head and spoke in a voice so small I wouldn't have caught it if I hadn't been listening.
"……Does it bother you that much…?"
"……."
"…Hey, why can't you answer……."
"……I already told you."
Lips barely parted, Serin added on.
"Hey…… then why did you just let it go yesterday……."
"…That would've been a crime."
"……I gave you permission."
"……I never heard it."
"If it's you… I'm okay with it……."
"……."
That one line circled longer than I expected.
Even though we'd already come apart, your warmth still seemed to linger on my arms. The scent that had stirred the tip of my nose showed no sign of leaving. And on top of that, your voice, teasing at me like a temptation.
…….
I'm going to lose my mind.
"……Hey. Baek Serin."
"…Nnh—hk—"
