A Shared Sandwich and Lingering Thoughts
I turned on my phone during lunch at the office and opened our chat. The conversation with ChSR.
Calling her Chohee instead of Ssongjjo all the time still feels a little cringey. Even so, for some reason I didn't want to call her Ssongjjo like I did back in school. The twenty-four-year-old Chohee was too much like a goddess to be called something so childish. And I'd grown up too. No, scratch that last part about getting older. The truth is, the moment I woke up this morning I was already losing my mind from excitement just thinking about her. Like the lead in some third-rate teen drama.
Even now, I try to focus on the monitor and get some actual work done, but my attention keeps drifting back to my phone. Has she read it yet? Did she see it and ignore me? Did I mess up the spelling? Do kids these days hate texting every day? Wait, she's only a year younger than me—doesn't that make me one of those "kids these days" too?
Anyway, Chohee probably won't be able to eat lunch properly without me there to keep her morning sickness at bay. I was debating whether to grab a sandwich for her when the manager suddenly shouted.
"Meeting time, everyone!"
The Friday morning meeting to wrap up the week's tasks didn't last long. But even while it was going on, my mind wandered all over the place as I kept texting Chohee.
Of course the business trip was a total lie.
I left the office before lunch even started. I bought the most famous sandwiches in the area, grabbed some drinks to go with them, and fired off a string of messages to Chohee as I walked.
I think your bare face is prettier. That loose, flowing dress really suits you too. Chohee's sharp enough to catch the hint. It was my way of telling her not to bother with heavy makeup or agonizing over outfits just to look good for me. That said, I couldn't exactly encourage her to go braless.
So I sent this instead.
As long as it doesn't show anything, that is.
I waited on the bench in front of Chohee's building, neatly unwrapping the sandwiches so they'd be easy to eat. A little while later she came out. Just like my hint suggested, she was wearing a khaki cardigan over a dress. The skirt was long enough that even a strong breeze wouldn't be a problem. Beneath the hem, her feet in delicate flat shoes stepped gracefully, like a ballerina. A gentle wind blew just then, sending her hair fluttering. Even the casual way she brushed a few stray strands back looked like it belonged in a commercial. Chohee was still—actually, newly—beautiful today.
She sat down beside me.
I had a mountain of worries. Had her morning sickness been okay after I left yesterday? Did she sleep well in the early morning? Was her stomach hurting? Had she been cold? Had she had any nightmares? The list was endless. But now that we were face to face, I managed to act fairly relaxed. I caught a glimpse of that mischievous sparkle in her eyes from the old days, and it put my mind at ease.
"Oh, really? Honestly, since I skipped caffeine today I'm still a little out of it."
"Next time just drink coffee."
"If I don't want to get fired, I probably will. This one's for you."
"Thanks."
"And if you really can't hold out, tell me. My coffee's decaf."
"Oppa, you're going to be nodding off all afternoon then."
We sat side by side like kids on a picnic and started eating our sandwiches. I had ham and cheese, while Chohee went for the BLT loaded with vegetables.
"How is it? Edible?"
"Yeah, it's good?"
"Eat slowly. My lunch break goes until one-thirty."
"Nice. I could even take a nap?"
"That's why I sometimes sleep in the car. Did you eat breakfast?"
"Not since Auntie started packing it for me."
Hearing the word "Auntie" from Chohee's lips after so long warmed my chest. She'd always called my mom that.
"Hey, I remember. You used to force yourself to eat even when you were sleepy."
"Back then I went to your house every morning before I could even open my eyes properly."
Looking back, our two families had been closer than most real families. Our parents had more relaxed morning schedules, so breakfast was always at our house. On the other hand, Chohee's parents got off work early, so dinner was at her place. It was basically co-parenting.
"That's why that was the heaviest I've ever been in my life."
"How much did you weigh?"
"Fifty-five kilos."
"Dude, you're 165cm and 55kg? That's basically a skeleton."
"Nice reaction. You'll get plenty of compliments from your girlfriend."
The whole time I was chatting with Chohee, I couldn't hide the stupid grin that kept leaking out. Even when I was in the early stages of dating my ex-girlfriend yesterday—holding hands for the first time, hugging, even our first kiss—I hadn't felt this excited. With Chohee, just meeting her eyes makes my heart thud. In that sense, last night had felt like a dream.
"Ah, the tomato tastes a little off."
Chohee pulled a slice of tomato out from between the bread with her slender fingers.
"Oh, give it to me. I'll eat it."
"But my mouth touched it?"
"Why are you acting so shy about it now?"
I casually took the tomato piece from her fingers and popped it into my mouth. Luckily it was fresh. Childish as it was, I couldn't deny that the simple act made me feel a little strange. It was like an indirect kiss with Chohee. The thought that even a tiny bit of her saliva had entered my mouth felt perverted, but I liked it.
"Want more, Oppa?"
"Yeah, give me all of it."
Chohee split the bread open, picked out the tomato slices, and held them out to me.
"Ahh."
I opened my mouth happily. Along with the sweet sauce, I felt the even sweeter touch of Chohee's fingertips on my tongue. Unfortunately, they pulled away from my mouth far too quickly. A little of my saliva and some sauce now clung to her fingers. Without hesitation, Chohee licked them clean. It was a moment of exchanging saliva, however indirectly. It felt like we were lovers. I found myself desperately hoping that sandwich was packed with tomatoes.
"Oppa, you're eating well."
"It's delicious. Plus they say tomatoes are really good for guys, haha."
"Are you turning into a middle-aged man already, Oppa?"
"All the old guys at my company talk like this every day."
Another tomato slice entered my mouth. Once again, we shared saliva.
"From what I saw yesterday, it seems like you don't have to worry about that kind of thing."
"Cough! Cough! Cough! Y-yeah, obviously. I'm twenty-five now."
Of course nothing had actually happened between me and Chohee last night. But that didn't mean it wasn't a big deal to me. As a male, my physical reaction had been extremely, extremely intense. Chohee had been forced to feel it against her thigh the whole time, and occasionally against her lower belly too.
"Anyway, did you sleep through the night without waking up?"
"I did wake up."
"How did your body feel?"
"Your medicine worked really well, so I was fine. I even ate."
"That's a relief. You should feel that way today too."
"My condition's good today. That's why I even put on makeup before coming out."
Now that she mentioned it, Chohee was wearing light makeup. BB cream, lipstick, and sunscreen maybe? From that point on, I fell into filthy fantasies I couldn't control. Yeah, she'd kept the makeup minimal. And she'd dressed comfortably just like I'd hinted. So did that mean right now Chohee was... going without a bra?
I hadn't even realized my gaze had locked blatantly onto her chest. Chohee smiled faintly and asked,
"Tell what?"
"Whether I'm wearing a bra or not."
Only then did I hurriedly avert my eyes.
"W-what are you talking about? How would I know something like that?"
"Sorry to disappoint, but I did wear one."
Was it just me, or did Chohee's tone sound like she was humoring a curious middle-schooler? Embarrassed, I changed the subject.
"The weather's nice today. After we finish eating, want to take a walk?"
"Sure."
And so we talked about whatever came to mind, asked questions, answered, and laughed. There was no shortage of things to talk about. Just reminiscing about the old days would probably keep us going for months.
"I live with Jihwan. You remember Lee Jihwan, right?"
"Oh, Jihwan! That hyung who was really good at fighting?"
"Yeah. Thanks to him, school life was pretty easy for me."
"Really? It wasn't because of me?"
That was true too. Just being close to Song Chohee—the most famous girl in the neighborhood—had made me an idol among the male students.
"It's half right, half wrong. There were dozens of guys who begged me to let them meet you just once. Even the academy instructor complained. He said ever since I started coming, the whole study atmosphere was ruined."
"But you got to eat a ton of delicious bribes, right?"
"I'll give you that. I felt like a slightly corrupt public official back then?"
"I wonder if all those guys are doing well now."
"Who knows. Shall we walk a bit more?"
I'm 181cm and Chohee is 165cm. When we stand side by side, she comes right up to my chin. Every time we happened to pass a full-length mirror or our reflections appeared in a shop window, I'd always thought the same thing: what a perfectly lovely height difference. Close enough for me to naturally wrap an arm around her shoulders, for her to comfortably loop her arm around my waist, for me to rest my chin on top of her head during a back hug, and for us to tilt our heads at just the right angle to kiss. Even now, walking together, nothing had changed. We really do look at each other beautifully—one looking up, one looking down.
"Oppa. I looked it up and there's a movie with a dog in it."
"Oh, the one about finding the lost puppy?"
"Yeah. Let's watch that on Sunday."
Nice. Movie theater date officially approved.
"Isn't that a G-rated movie? Won't it be boring?"
"It's not just for me."
Chohee playfully stroked her own belly. For a moment, the image of high-school Chohee—bright-faced and saying that women get "cursed" once a month while rubbing her stomach—overlapped with the present. It felt strange. That lively girl now had a new life growing inside her body. Uterus, ovulation, fertilization, implantation, and so on. I'd always thought Chohee existed in a realm far removed from such starkly clinical words. I'd imagined her filled only with romantic, beautiful things like a Disney animation. And yet here she was, becoming a mother. On the other hand, I often felt like both my mind and body were no better than a beast. Even while taking care of her yesterday, I'd gotten hard, and despite genuinely cherishing her, I kept stealing glances at her chest. But maybe right now Chohee's body was even more animalistic than mine. After all, she was carrying out the fundamental act of life—reproducing the species. I could only marvel at it.
"Oppa, should we go this way?"
"Sure. Let's head into the shade."
The woman I love is carrying another man's seed, and she doesn't even know who he is. So what exactly are these complicated, subtle feelings inside me? Simple jealousy? Betrayal? Anger? Or maybe regret and pity? It's confusing. I don't understand any of it. But one thing is crystal clear: I like Chohee no matter what. And because of that, I want to stay by her side no matter where she goes. Yeah, for now I'll just focus on that one truth.
I guided Chohee farther inside the path.
"Chohee. Cars drive through here, so come closer to the inside."