Our First Meeting
What was my first meeting with Lua like?
If anyone ever asked me that, I could answer without the slightest hesitation.
It was absolute shit.
This was way back—twelve years ago.
I had just turned six and moved into this neighborhood for the first time. Back in my old town I'd had plenty of friends, so the thought of having none here did worry me a little. But I was a kid; I didn't even really know that worry was something to worry about.
So I strolled into kindergarten like it was nothing, and—well, what do you know? Making friends was genuinely hard. The teacher had said something along the lines of, "He's new, so be nice to him~," but the kids of that age were busy ignoring me. I wasn't their friend, after all.
Which was how I ended up eating lunch alone when—
"Hey. You gonna finish that?"
—Lua, sitting right beside me, decided to pick a fight.
I was already irritated about having no friends, and of course it had to be the girl next to me starting something. I shoved her away in pure annoyance.
How did I shove her, you ask?
With my hands.
Thud!
Lua back then was different from other little girls. She's still different now, but she was different then, too. An ordinary girl would've burst into tears after getting shoved by a boy. Lua was nothing like that.
She shot straight back up and shoved me right back—and after that it was the usual chaotic free-for-all only little kids can manage.
For the record, I got my ass handed to me in that fight. That crazy bitch Lua Im was ridiculously strong back then.
"…Little brother, just get up and leave. Don't eat any more meat, you piece of trash."
"Come on, kids fight. It happens."
"And a guy hitting a girl first is still being a bastard, isn't it?"
"I took way more hits in the end, you know. I even got a scar from it. Right here."
I pointed to a place where the scar had long since vanished, and my sister stared at me like she couldn't believe what she was hearing.
Lua snickered and needled me.
"That's right. Completely trash. The kind of trash that shoves a girl first."
"Haa…"
I sighed. This was exactly why I hadn't wanted to tell this story.
Listening in, Minji-noona seemed to catch something odd and asked a question.
"So how did you two end up becoming friends?"
How we became friends… huh.
"…After that we just kind of started hanging out together somehow?"
"Huh? But you said you fought."
"Noona, that's just how kids' fights work."
Leave it to my brother. He gets me.
The truth was, after the fight Lua and I somehow stuck together and grew close. If anything, throwing punches once seemed to seal the friendship.
And Lua had been incredibly cute even back then. These days the first impression she gives is pretty and a little haughty, but as a kid the overwhelming impression was just cute.
Thanks to her, I made a bunch of other friends while we hung out, and we lived a perfectly peaceful little life—or so I thought.
Apparently Lua saw it differently.
"That's not it."
"It's not?"
"Mm. More precisely, you're skipping the middle part."
Skipping the middle part? What else had happened in between?
Another question mark was about to float over my head when Lua, casually working through her meat, volunteered a story that was embarrassing enough to make anyone squirm.
"…You don't remember, do you?"
"Remember what?"
"Back then. Your parents and mine both showed up."
"Yeah, they did."
"And then…"
She trailed off, then looked straight into my eyes and delivered the most mortifying line imaginable.
"Even though you were hurt worse, do you know what you said?"
"Hey, wait—"
"'I pushed her first. I was the bad one~'—was that it? You said that while bawling your eyes out?"
Lua giggled as she popped another piece of meat into her mouth. I'd thought of it as no big deal at the time, but hearing that particular piece of the past dredged up now made me want to writhe on the floor.
"Hey! How is that the 'middle part'!?"
"Why? It's true. If you hadn't said that, I never would have become friends with you."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Just take it as it is."
As if she couldn't be bothered explaining any further, Lua went back to her meat and left me to deal with the fallout.
What fallout?
"Ooooooh~"
"Oooooooh~"
The fallout of my brother and sister looking at me like I was some kind of spectacle.
"Our little brother, what a real man, huh?"
"Kyaa~ That's my brother! I raised him so well!"
"Both of you, shut up…"
"Don't wanna~ Don't wanna~"
"Shud up~"
I watched the two of them settle in for a full-scale roasting session, then turned a resentful look on Lua Im beside me.
She only smiled sweetly and watched the tragic scene of my public humiliation unfold.
Once we'd finished the meat, my sister paid the bill with great confidence.
"Thanks, Noona."
"Thanks for the meal, Noona."
"Thank you so much, Unnie…"
"Don't mention it~ It was nice seeing everyone after so long. And meeting Jinwoo's childhood friend was lovely too."
She gave Lua a smiling look; Lua, a little shy, edged closer to my side.
"Oh my, you two seem awfully close. Are you dating?"
"Absolutely not."
"We're not…"
The second we denied it, my brother beside us chuckled and fed my sister an even more embarrassing line.
"They say that, but they're basically dating already. They walk to and from school together almost every day, and during breaks Lua even comes over to our place to study with him."
"Wow, so it's just a matter of time. Why don't you two just confess right here and now?"
At that, neither Lua nor I could manage a single word.
Our silence only delighted my brother and sister more, and they cackled away.
Someday I was going to make those two taste the bitter fruit of my wrath.
Yes. Someday.
With that thought, Lua and I headed home first. My brother said he'd walk my sister to the bus stop at least.
So the two of us walked toward home together in a thoroughly awkward atmosphere—very quietly, mind you.
Along the way, I decided to ask her something I'd been wondering about.
"Hey… Lua."
"Mm."
"Can I ask you just one thing?"
"You can ask."
"……Is what you said earlier really the entire reason you started hanging out with me?"
At the question, Lua kept her mouth shut and stayed quiet for a moment.
Then she looked at me, smiled a small smile, and nodded.
"Yeah. That's all of it."
That's all of it. The moment I heard those words, I knew they were a lie.
Lua was the kind of person who stated the truth with total confidence. She didn't mix lies into things like this, and she wasn't the type to wear that particular expression either.
But I decided not to press her on it.
Lua wasn't someone who lied out of malice. There had to be a reason.
I trusted her, so I wasn't going to ask.
Before I knew it we'd reached her apartment building, and I walked her only as far as the entrance.
"See you Monday, Jinwoo."
"Yeah. See you Monday."
After sending her off, I stepped back outside. Well-fed on all that meat, I figured I'd head home and take care of the NewTube channel for a bit.
Maybe it was because Ruru had gotten so popular lately, but there were more trolls than before.
I'd just have to weed them all out. Mm-hm.
That was close. Really close.
It was true that the first time I met Jinwoo was back then. True that we got into a huge fight the moment we met, and true that I hit him more than he hit me.
True that Jinwoo, who was hurt worse, still covered for me—and true that I grew fond of him for it and became his friend.
But the real reason I grew close to Jinwoo is something else entirely.
A reason I can never say out loud. A reason I don't even have the right to say.
The distance that opened between us later was more my fault than his.
Jinwoo stayed the same, but I changed. I was the one who chose not to spend time with him.
Someone like me has no right to spell out why I grew closer to him—why I fell for him.
Keeping that reason to myself is better for both of us.
At least… I still don't deserve Jinwoo's forgiveness. I can't even forgive myself. I'm the one who made him feel hurt and left behind.
So I don't even have the right to tell him any of that.
And at the same time, the way I keep rationalizing it makes me sick and furious with myself.
If I like him, I should just say so. That I like him. That I've always liked him.
If it's Jinwoo, he would accept it. I know that, and still I don't confess—and that makes me angry at myself.
"I'm sorry…"
In a moment he would never hear, I cowardly apologized to him.
I'm sorry I made you feel left out.
I'm sorry I was so selfish.
I'm sorry that even knowing how you feel, I decided everything on my own and never said a word.
Thank you for coming back to someone like me anyway.
Thank you for being close with me again.
Thank you for treating me so comfortably, for still being so good to me.
There were so many things I wanted to say, but I didn't speak a single one of them. I just sat down in front of my computer.
And I got ready for today's stream.
Ready not as high-schooler Lua Im, but as Kuroa Ruru of Sweet Mare.
So that the stream Jinwoo would be watching—today, too—would be a fun one.