Breaking Down the Wall (1)
Her consciousness blurred, tinged with haze. The fog in her mind was as thick as the mist over a lakeside at dawn, so dense it seemed to forbid any act of thought. No, literally, Marion was standing on the shore of a lake shrouded in fog. The Marion on that lakeside was a child. A little girl whose right side had not yet been scarred. With her blue eyes sparkling, Marion walked toward the water’s edge. Dew-laden grass brushed her feet. The cold touch of soil against her bare, unshod soles felt pleasant.
It had been a long time since she last had a dream like this, she thought even within the dream. After the accident, her dreams were rarely this bright. They usually felt like wandering through an endless maze. Staring at vague, dark abstractions or reliving childhood nightmares—those were Marion’s dreams.
Still, after meeting Maxim…
Occasionally, dreams in which Maxim appeared. Dreams that recalled the time they had spent together. Little by little, those nightmares had been replaced by such dreams. The fiancé she had never expected had changed so many things. Not only her dreams, but everything.
The meaningless days that had slipped by helplessly had gained the meaning of waiting. The letters Maxim wrote showed her the world, and every gift he brought became a medium that made her think of him.
We are the same.
Maxim had revealed his own darkness. He had spoken of it only vaguely—what kind of darkness it was. Marion never asked. If she had, it seemed he would have told her. His eyes when he looked at her were that deep.
Yet in the end, the reason she chose not to hear about his circumstances was fear. Why he had called her a hypocrite, why he had called her a terrible person. She was afraid that knowing would keep her from looking at him with such pure eyes. She was afraid the Maxim who had shown her all his shadows would no longer treat her as he once had.
Unable to take another step forward, Marion lingered. Maxim had crossed the line drawn between them many times. He had reached out again and again, knocking on that wall over and over.
What about me?
Before she realized it, the young Marion had reached the lakeside and crouched by the water. The lake was calm as a mirror. When she brought her finger to the eyes staring back at her from within it, ripples spread.
“Will you stay like that?”
The one who sat beside her was Maxim. Wearing a pitch-black hood, wearing that faint smile.
She knew. Marion thought as she looked at that face. Maxim had always been the one pushing her forward.
“What do you mean, stay like that?”
The words that left the young Marion’s mouth were different from her usual speech. With a child’s lisping pronunciation, she threw a tantrum at the Maxim who was encouraging her.
Maxim laughed. It was not his usual bitter smile, but a bright one, less stained by the world. The Maxim who smiled like that somehow looked boyish, and Marion stared at him in wonder.
“I don’t care.”
Those words came from Maxim’s lips. Marion frowned in dissatisfaction.
“What do you mean, you don’t care?”
“It means that no matter how you choose to be, I won’t change.”
Isn’t that all right? Maxim’s smile seemed to ask, but it was no longer pure.
“It’ll be fine.”
The woman’s voice that followed was one she knew. The one who sat down on her left was her present self, wearing a mask.
“Even if you don’t change, even if you don’t approach him, Maxim won’t change.”
The voice was detached and quiet. Marion stared back at herself as she spoke. She was not smiling. It was hard to imagine the masked version of herself smiling.
“He will help you. He will look at you, empathize with you, cherish you. He will always think of you, and if something happens, he might bring you to a safe place like this.”
And just like now, after taking only you to safety, he will disappear again.
The moment those words were spoken, the lakeside vanished. The child she had been, Maxim, and the masked version of herself all disappeared.
A sense of loss. Marion stood before the entrance of a dark cave with no visible end. Light vanished from her eyes. The pitch-black pupils flickered with ominous shadows, beckoning her to enter. Marion shook her head wildly in refusal.
The child who had lost her daily life once believed she would never feel loss again. Then something new came into her hands and filled her heart. As that something grew inside her, filling the emptiness and giving her more, she was finally able to look at what she had gained.
And when the person who had filled her heart disappeared—when he left her without her even knowing whether he was alive or dead—a terrible sense of loss swallowed her whole.
Like the cave yawning open before her now, the sense of loss Marion had never shown outwardly had festered inside her, growing larger with time.
I hate it.
What do you hate?
I hate losing Maxim. I hate him getting hurt somewhere I can’t see. I hate him being wounded by things I don’t know about. I hate him leaving my side.
When I open my eyes, will he still be beside me? Are you still just hoping he’ll stay by your side without saying anything?
I—
The entrance to the deep darkness was slowly shrinking. What filled its place was a faint golden residue scattered here and there. A beautiful golden light, exactly like the color of someone’s eyes.
Don’t run away.
With light that seemed to say those words, Marion took a step forward.
When Marion opened her eyes again, it was night. The clear autumn sky poured unfiltered moonlight onto the streets. The window must have been open for a while; cool night air brushed her cheek. The guest room of the mansion that had served as her room for months came into focus.
“…”
When Marion turned her head to the right, a familiar silhouette was leaning against the windowsill. A pitch-black hood that covered his entire face. Marion’s eyes trembled at the sight.
“You’re awake.”
The voice that emerged from within was unmistakably Maxim’s. As she tried to sit up, Maxim’s hand—already beside her—gently pressed her back down.
“Stay lying down. You should rest a little longer. It’s late; you can go back to sleep. It’s the middle of the night.”
Marion gazed at Maxim’s profile, now so close. She wanted to see the face hidden beneath that tightly wrapped hood. Her hand rose slowly and touched the edge of it. She pulled the hood back.
Maxim did not resist. He let her remove it.
“Maxim.”
There he was. Light brown hair slightly disheveled, clinging to his cheek. His eyes were still the golden hue she remembered—deep as topaz or sunset—looking at her.
There were so many things she wanted to say. So many questions she wanted to ask. But nothing came from her lips. Simply looking at him was already overwhelming.
Maxim watched the shape of her murmuring mouth and gave a small smile. After a long moment, her lips finally formed a tiny, almost coquettish plea.
“Don’t go anywhere. Not right now.”
A faint strength reached Maxim’s hand. Marion was holding it. It was weaker than any force he had ever felt, yet he found himself drawn to the edge of the bed by it. The hand gripping his was small and weak, but it no longer trembled as it once had.
“Yeah. I’ll stay here.”
He could not go back. At least not yet. Maxim thought so as he looked into Marion’s eyes.
The silence as they gazed at each other was not awkward. The look they shared felt neither uncomfortable nor burdensome.
“I’m glad you’re safe.”
Marion was the one who broke the silence. Maxim could not answer; he only tightened his grip on her hand. What weighed on him was the guilt her words brought.
He had to tell her everything he had kept from her since the beginning. To her, and to her father as well.
“What happened?”
“…A lot of things happened in No Man’s Land. No, even before that. Before I met you.”
Maxim began. Where should he start? He wasn’t sure whether Marion would welcome the story. After choosing his words carefully, he looked at her with a warning.
“It’s going to be a long story.”
“I want to hear all of it.”
This time her hand squeezed harder. Maxim felt that faint yet astonishingly strong and warm touch. It had never been like this before. On the contrary, the hand holding hers trembled slightly. Strength filled Marion’s voice.
“Everything. I want to know everything.”
Her heart must have changed greatly while they were apart. The Marion looking at him now had a resolve in her eyes he had never seen before.
For now, it seemed all right not to give her the object. Maxim subtly hid what he was holding behind him. What she needed most right now appeared to be his story.
Maxim closed his eyes. He brought the faces to mind more clearly. Recalling the past was always painful, but at this moment it was necessary. To reaffirm his purpose and sharpen his blade.
“…It was when I was at the academy.”
Maxim’s long story began. He thought of Theodora. Because this story was, in truth, the story of her and him.
What was she to him now? A comrade who had once led him onto the path of knighthood, to whom he had wanted to devote everything? A former girlfriend who sometimes showed a cold face and sometimes clung to him because she could not forget the past? Simply the daughter of the enemy? Just a woman regretting with guilt?
The thoughts circled. Under the steady glow of the lamp, Marion’s face as she listened was illuminated. How did he look in her eyes right now? Did she still see a man who missed her, or only a fiancé calmly recounting the tale of an ex-lover?
Maxim’s story reached the point of their meeting. Why he had first approached her. Why it had to be her. Including the story Emil Bourdin had told him, Maxim’s hidden past unfolded.
He did not speak of how he felt about Marion now. Honestly, he still did not fully understand his own heart.
The story flowed into No Man’s Land. The battle with Behemoth, Roberto’s betrayal, the kidnapped Christine, and his present self. Meeting the king and the excuse that he had no choice but to come secretly wearing the hood.
When the story ended, Marion let out a small sigh. She would need time to organize such a long tale. Maxim watched her quietly as she thought.
“Is the person named Christine all right?”
Her first question was unexpected. Maxim, unsure how to answer, looked around like a mute who had swallowed honey, then shook his head.
“I don’t know. But I intend to save her. I believe she’s alive. Even if it’s only because I want to believe it, that’s fine.”
Maxim’s words were resolute. Just as she had saved him, he would save Christine. He did not hide his true feelings.
“I have to bring down the Benning family—Leon Benning—and reclaim what was lost. My position as a knight, my family’s title…”
And revenge.
Marion’s blue eyes watching him were mysterious. Sometimes they seemed like a cloudless sky; other times like a lake of unfathomable depth. For Maxim now, they were the latter.
“Is that why you called yourself a hypocrite, Maxim?”
Marion asked. After a moment’s hesitation, he nodded.
“I hid the shadow behind me and treated you with hypocrisy. If only I had told you the truth from the start. If only we had met in a relationship where that was possible.”
Of course, that would have been impossible. Maxim smiled as he spoke. Marion returned the smile.
“What about now?”
“Now?”
When Maxim echoed her, Marion’s expression faltered slightly.
“Back then, I was a child in a similar situation. Someone you needed to protect. How do you see me now?”
Marion drove straight into the words Maxim had been deliberately avoiding. Her question carried resolve. Hearing it from her for the first time, Maxim swallowed.
Those eyes shone as though they would accept no lies. Breaking into a cold sweat inside, Maxim answered.
“Uh… well…”
The words I don’t know would not come out. It felt like an enormous rudeness to answer that way. No, he had to say it. Maxim Apparte. Didn’t we decide to face each other without hiding anything anymore?
Barely persuading himself, he opened his mouth.
“I don’t know.”
In the end, he said it. When he saw her expression—which he had expected to twist—change into a smile, he let out an unconscious sigh of relief inside.
“That’s a relief.”
A relief? Maxim furrowed his brows in confusion.
“I think I just gave what might be the most rude answer possible. If I were you, I would have started by slapping me across the face.”
“I was imagining even worse answers, so it’s all right.”
“Worse answers?”
“That I’m a burden. That I’m in the way.”
Maxim’s face hardened.
“There’s no way I would think of you like that. Don’t tell me you’ve believed all this time that you were nothing but a hindrance to me?”
“Um… perhaps…?”
Perhaps? At Maxim’s stern scolding, a smile bloomed on Marion’s face again.
Truly, what a beautiful smile this woman had. Maxim held an uncharacteristic thought.
“Even after hearing an answer like that, the words I want to say now wouldn’t have changed.”
Marion added playfully. Maxim tilted his head, asking what she meant.
“Maxim, you told me how you feel about me, but aren’t you curious how I feel about you?”
Ah. Maxim saw the eyes facing him tremble. The last wall he could not break—Marion was breaking it now and trying to face what lay beyond.
At that moment, Marion shone more brightly than anything else in the world.
“Even though I look like this…”
As Marion added those words and touched her face, she suddenly froze like a statue.
The mask. The mask that always covered the right side of her face was gone. She should have noticed the incongruity in her vision, but she had been too absorbed in the story.
What do I do? Until now, she had been showing him this hideous face…
Marion’s face turned deathly pale. Her head spun. At least when saying those words, she had wanted to look her best…!
Then Maxim’s fingers gently touched her face. She felt her pale cheeks suddenly flush crimson.
“No, Maxim…! Not now…! Don’t look at my face…”
Marion’s heart, which wanted to crawl into a hole from embarrassment, went completely blank the next instant.
With a soft sound like air escaping, she was suddenly in Maxim’s arms.
He smelled like grass. Marion’s eyes widened. Her face burned red as she flailed her hands in the air for a moment before going still.
“This way you can’t see, right?”
“Y-yes…”
Maxim’s playful reply. Marion answered in a mumbled voice as if she had bitten her tongue. Embarrassment and joy seemed to have half-paralyzed her tongue.
“I didn’t mind at all, but if you do, then I suppose.”
“Don’t say that. I’m really embarrassed.”
When Maxim spoke mischievously, Marion answered in a tearful voice. Maxim smiled and continued.
“I’m sorry I can’t give you an answer right away.”
“…I didn’t expect to hear it immediately either.”
At her reply that refused to yield, Maxim gave a small laugh. Marion puffed her cheeks in dissatisfaction.
“…I’ll wait until I hear the answer I want.”
“Yeah. After everything is finished.”
Maxim took out the object he had hidden behind him and placed it in her hands.
“The one you used before broke.”
Marion accepted the mask and smiled.
“You said you didn’t mind.”
“Someone kept getting embarrassed.”
Marion lifted the mask Maxim had given her and placed it over her face. Black. It was a completely different color from the white mask she had worn before, yet she liked it immensely.
“Thank you.”
“…For what.”
Once again, it began. Marion was facing the world beyond the wall she had completely torn down.
What I can do.
Marion thought as she looked at Maxim. In her eyes, a newly bloomed resolve flickered.