The Reason for Discomfort (4)
“So you’re leaving for your new post soon?”
“Yeah. In two days, I’ll be gone.”
Maxim nodded at Marion’s question. He could sense her hesitation as she prepared to ask the next one. He didn’t rush her as she lingered in uncertainty.
“Where… are you going?”
Marion’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“They assigned me somewhere quite far from the Royal Capital. It’s a rural area called Ebel…”
Maxim let his words trail off. For some reason, it was difficult to say he was going far away. Ebel was a province that required passing through at least two other cities from the capital. It was a sparsely populated place. There weren’t many monsters that appeared, nor was the terrain particularly harsh. Public safety was stable enough that knights didn’t need to intervene directly. Still, because it lay along a major trade route where merchant caravans frequently passed through on their way to the capital, a knight order had to be maintained there.
“Will you have to stay in Ebel the whole time?” Marion asked.
“Unless I get transferred somewhere else, I’ll probably be there for good.”
I see. Marion murmured to herself and nodded. Her black hair swayed gently. The conversation came to a halt. Neither Maxim nor Marion said another word. To Maxim, Marion looked like a canary that had spent its entire life inside a cage. A canary that felt suffocated yet could not step outside. He set down his teacup.
He didn’t know if he could make the best choice in this damned situation. Just dealing with his own suffering was already overwhelming. He couldn’t simply stand by and watch someone else endure their pain in silence. Maxim didn’t follow reason.
“Marion.”
She lifted her head. Her eyes held the same anxiety as always. Saying he would save her would have been arrogant. He was in a position where he needed saving himself—what right did he have to speak of rescuing others? It was simply that he no longer felt capable of harboring any wariness toward this person.
“Want to take a short walk?”
Marion looked flustered. She blinked rapidly, her mouth opening and closing without sound. Had someone told her she wasn’t allowed to go out? Maxim clenched his teeth so she wouldn’t notice.
“If we’re walking… then, um, that is…”
“I meant we’d just wander around the streets of the capital. Sitting here any longer would only get boring.”
Marion’s hands fidgeted in front of her chest, as if she didn’t know what to do with them.
“Don’t you want to go out?”
If she said she was fine, that she didn’t want to leave, Maxim had decided he wouldn’t push it. But that wasn’t the case. She shook her head.
“No… I don’t mind. It’s just that I’ll need a little time to prepare for going out…”
Marion lowered her head deeply after speaking.
“I’m sorry… It’s been so long since I’ve gone outside like this…”
Maxim’s face hardened slightly. That bastard Emil Bourdin had clearly never shown Marion even a shred of concern. Far from it—he must have regarded her with nothing but disgust and contempt.
“It’s fine.”
Relying on his hatred, Maxim spoke firmly. His eyes grew resolute as they met hers.
“You don’t need to apologize.”
He looked directly into her eyes, emphasizing each word so she wouldn’t misinterpret what he was saying. This was the greatest resolve Maxim could muster right now. The determination of someone who had lost everything could reach a person who had never possessed anything to begin with. A brief light flickered in Marion’s blue eyes, trembling. They were no longer the lifeless, doll-like eyes she had worn before. By now, her hands had dropped beneath the table and were clasped tightly together.
Before she could hesitate any longer, Maxim asked one final time.
“You’ll go, then?”
Marion didn’t answer aloud. She simply nodded. In a small but clear voice, she called for the servant waiting outside the room. The one who entered was, unsurprisingly, Emil Bourdin’s loyal subordinate—Jean. He bowed his head respectfully to Marion.
“You called for me, my lady?”
When Jean entered, Maxim noticed Marion turn her gaze toward him. Her eyes weren’t asking a question. They looked as though they were searching for something. Maxim couldn’t help her with that search. He simply closed his eyes slowly instead of nodding. Marion looked at Jean and spoke.
“…I’m going to step out for a while.”
Maxim caught the faint tremble in Jean’s shoulders. But the man showed no further reaction as he replied.
“I will go ask the master for permission.”
“Does going outside once require the baron’s permission?”
It was Maxim who spoke. He glared at Jean with eyes that had gone beyond cold—they were icy.
“The master is still concerned…”
Maxim cut him off and deliberately let out a sigh loud enough to be heard. Jean stopped speaking, as if waiting to see what Maxim would say next.
“…I think you understand without me saying more.”
At Maxim’s words, Jean stepped back. Maxim continued to watch him until he closed the door and withdrew.
“…?”
Marion looked at him with a hint of confusion. Maxim acted as if he had no intention of answering that question and simply took another sip of the remaining tea in his cup.
It was some time later when Jean returned. He was accompanied by a maid whose eyes were nearly closed. She said she would help Marion prepare for going out and led her from the room. Maxim thought they were putting on quite the nonchalant act. Even after Marion left, the servant Jean remained, staring at Maxim.
“Is there something else?”
Jean didn’t avert his eyes.
“The master wishes to see you for a moment.”
Emil Bourdin was seated in his study. Maxim stood firmly at the doorway, facing him. Emil deliberately set down his pen with a loud clack and looked up at Maxim.
“Have you had a sudden change of heart?”
Maxim didn’t answer. As always, Emil paid no mind to Maxim’s silence and simply continued speaking.
“When the Count previously pressured you to break things off with Lady Theodora, you acted like you’d kill him instead. Yet now that you’ve seen our daughter, your mind has changed?”
Emil Bourdin let out a low, mocking chuckle.
“In that case, I suppose I really ought to start calling you my son-in-law.”
Maxim replied to the taunt in a flat tone.
“Back then you looked like you were about to piss yourself and collapse from my momentum. It seems you’re the one who’s had a change of heart.”
Emil’s eyebrows twitched for a moment before he shrugged.
“You really are amusing. That stubborn attitude of yours, refusing to back down even a single word.”
“You change the subject quickly.”
“When did I say I was changing the subject?”
Maxim asked in a hardened voice.
“So what exactly do you want to say?”
“No, I called you here because I wanted to offer my compliments.”
Emil spread his hands wide.
“I didn’t expect you to embrace my poor daughter so tenderly.”
“At least try to sound sincere.”
Anger seeped into Maxim’s voice. Seeing his expression, Emil burst into loud laughter.
“Haha! Have you really fallen for my daughter? I can hardly believe it’s the same person who used to live like a corpse. Getting this worked up for Marion’s sake.”
“I’m not sure you even think of her as your daughter.”
Even when Maxim sneered, Emil didn’t lose his smile.
“She is my daughter. Of course I think of her as such. That’s why I sent her to someone as fine as you.”
“You’d better watch that filthy mouth of yours.”
“Why twist even a compliment?”
Maxim glared at Emil Bourdin, who was laughing uproariously. Seeing him mock so openly, Maxim could only find the situation absurd.
“I understand now. In the end, the only thing you can do is spew that petty, pathetic resentment at me. When you get right down to it, you’re nothing more than the tail of the Benning family. You can’t take the lead in anything.”
Emil’s expression stiffened. Continuing the conversation would bring him no benefit.
“All you can do is toy with someone who’s already as good as a corpse. And you do it while still cowering in fear until the very end.”
“Go on, then. Do you intend to keep my daughter waiting?”
Without hesitation, Maxim opened the door. Emil glared at his departing back. This time, it was Maxim who laughed. Wearing a hollow smile, he moved away from Emil.
Marion was fidgeting with the hem of her outing dress. It was a white, pleated one-piece with minimal decoration—simple and modest. Its loose fit accentuated her slender frame. Her heart wouldn’t calm down. This felt completely different from when they had walked together on the Aparte estate. This time wasn’t dictated by anyone else’s suggestion. It was a moment created solely by their own will. Marion felt an unfamiliar tension and grew anxious.
“Shall we go?”
Maxim wore an expression that somehow revealed his fatigue. Marion felt sorry, wondering if he had grown tired of waiting.
“Did I keep you waiting long…?”
“Not at all.”
Maxim shook his head with a smile. Marion found it strangely fascinating. Once he smiled, he seemed willing to show even more of them. Maxim walked ahead first. Marion deliberately followed slowly, trailing cautiously behind him.
“You said you haven’t walked around the streets much, right?”
Marion nodded. Maxim hailed a carriage stopped along the roadside. The coachman smiled pleasantly as he watched Maxim help Marion into the seat first.
“A cozy time for the two young lovers?”
Maxim couldn’t find a response and simply offered an awkward smile. Marion, hearing those words, felt her face grow slightly warm. She lightly touched her flushed cheek with her fingertips. There was heat. A warmth from blood circulating that she had never felt before.
It was noon, with the sun high in the sky. Through the rattling carriage window, Marion gazed at the streets of the Royal Capital. Maxim didn’t look outside. The heart of the capital now held only painful memories for him. He tried hard not to think of Theodora.
“I had forgotten for so long just how vast the capital is, and how many people live here.”
Marion spoke in a voice steeped in emotion. The streets rushed past her vision, offering a variety of scenes. Merchants flowing in and out like the tide, nobles holding their heads high in antique attire, children running wildly through the streets. Marion’s eyes held both wonder and melancholy as she took it all in. After deciding she had seen enough of the scenery, she turned her head forward. Maxim’s golden eyes looked as if they had sunk into a very deep well. Marion instinctively sensed that the emotion within them was sorrow.
“Maxim…”
“What is it, Marion?”
Maxim quickly lifted his face to look at her. It seemed he was trying to erase the melancholy that lingered in his eyes.
“Are you in a bad mood?”
She couldn’t help but ask. She was anxious that this negative emotion might have been caused by her. It was something she would never normally say to anyone, so the moment the words left her lips, Marion regretted them. Fortunately, before she could fumble for more, Maxim answered.
“It’s not that I’m in a bad mood.”
His voice carried a trace of bitterness.
“Did something happen…?”
Marion gathered more courage. Maxim didn’t seem displeased by her question. On the contrary, he looked somewhat glad. As if unburdening himself of a worry, he told her.
“More precisely, something did happen.”
“Your eyes… they look sad.”
Unaware that her own eyes were the ones most drenched in sorrow, Marion said so.
“It was a sad thing, Marion. Something I may never overcome in my lifetime.”
Marion watched him with concern, but before long the melancholy had faded from Maxim’s eyes.
“I’m sorry, Marion. I can’t tell you the details.”
“No… it’s alright, Maxim.”
Marion couldn’t understand her own behavior. She couldn’t understand how her wariness toward him had so naturally dissolved. She couldn’t understand why she was offering words of worry for him, or why she was harboring curiosity she had never allowed herself before. The carriage came to a stop in the heart of the capital. Maxim stepped down first and offered her his hand. Marion looked at it. It was a hand with few unmarked spots—covered in calluses and scars. She extended her right hand and placed it atop his palm. Through the glove, she could feel his hand. Maxim gently clasped hers and helped her down from the carriage. The coachman watched the pair with a warm, satisfied smile.
“This really warms my heart.”
Maxim smiled bitterly and paid the fare.
“Have a wonderful time.”
The coachman drove off. Maxim spoke again to Marion, who was struggling to adjust to the crowded atmosphere.
“Shall we walk slowly?”
“…Yes.”
Maxim offered his hand to her once more. Marion hesitated. If she took that hand, it felt as though something irreversible would take root in her heart. Maxim simply stood there, waiting. Not wanting to make him wait any longer, Marion took his hand. Only then did Maxim’s face relax with relief as he began to walk.
The two of them strolled through the capital. They passed through a wide plaza, walked along streets lined with tall buildings, and paused in front of shops displaying rare goods to look at them. Just like any ordinary couple, they were enjoying the everyday life that others took for granted.
“You know the streets well.”
Marion said this as she watched Maxim skillfully guide her from place to place. He nodded with a bitter smile.
“Yeah. I’ve been here a lot.”
When they emerged from an alley into another plaza, street performers and musicians were putting on shows. Maxim and Marion sat on benches in the park to rest, or walked even more slowly with the musicians’ melodies as their backdrop. The people hurrying by seemed to have no time to spare them any attention, yet occasionally Marion could feel eyes drawn to her. Most of them were curious glances directed at the mask she wore. Maxim must have noticed those stares as well, because he pulled her closer with a firm tug—closer than just holding hands. Marion’s face flushed a deep red.
Time passed incredibly quickly. Before long, the afternoon sunlight began to shift into the hues of sunset. Maxim and Marion climbed a hill and arrived at a place where traces of an old castle ruin remained. Watching the sunset was cliché, but it never failed. Maxim gazed at Marion as the wind scattered her black hair like a dark carpet while she looked at the sunset. The sunset was beautiful.
Marion recalled the day she had spent with Maxim. When was the last time she had felt joy like this? She thought with self-mockery. She had never even imagined she could feel such emotions. Yet she also felt troubled that she hadn’t been able to resolve the sadness on his face. The fact that he would soon be leaving for some time weighed on her, as did the stares from people on the street. In the end, I just keep circling back and falling into the swamp.
Thinking that, Marion tightened her grip on the railing.
“Marion?”
“…Yes.”
At some point, Maxim had come to stand beside her, watching her. Marion felt her heart drop with a thud. It wasn’t exactly fear. If anything, it was closer to the opposite. His golden eyes, catching the light of the sunset, shone intensely. They were completely different from the eyes she had seen when they first met. Those cold eyes from back then probably wouldn’t have shone even beneath this sunset.
“Are you alright?”
Marion nodded hastily and lowered her head.
“I’m sorry.”
“What’s wrong?”
Maxim spoke in a gentle voice to soothe her, but Marion only shook her head.
“Today… I really enjoyed myself. It’s been so long since I felt that way… I didn’t even get to say thank you.”
Pain flickered in Maxim’s eyes. Marion continued. If she couldn’t help him, at the very least she should take one step forward.
“But… instead of gratitude, negative feelings kept coming first. I kept thinking… whether someone like me had any right to act so pathetically…”
Her words were disjointed. Maxim carefully placed both hands on her shoulders.
“I’m fine, Marion.”
Marion couldn’t understand why he kept saying he was fine. Her hands trembled as she clutched at her mask.
“Why are you fine? I… I look so hideous like this, and even when you’re sad, I can’t help you at all…”
Her voice shook as the words came out.
“There’s no reason for you to treat me this well…”
Maxim held her steady so she wouldn’t collapse. To someone like her, his one-sided care and kindness were surely poisonous. But he refused to let her crumble any further.
“I’m the same.”
Marion looked into his eyes.
“I, too… will carry sins for the rest of my life. I’m horribly selfish, a hypocrite who only thinks of himself. I’m someone who doesn’t deserve any kindness from you.”
Maxim spoke to her clearly.
“I… that is…”
Marion looked utterly flustered by the sudden self-deprecation. She didn’t know how he had come to carry such wounds, but Maxim’s self-mockery was by no means hypocritical.
“Yes. So let’s think of it that way. We’re the same. We’re equals.”
Marion’s eyes trembled. It wasn’t pity or disgust from someone different. It was empathy. It was the emotion two people in similar circumstances felt toward each other. The sunset burned deeper. The crimson-stained sky cast a powerful light over the two figures atop the ruins. Tears welled up in Marion’s eyes.
“You can be grateful, but you don’t need to feel sorry. Because we’re the same.”
The tears fell. Marion grasped Maxim’s hand. This time it was his left hand, without a glove. It was rough, yet the slender hand conveyed warmth to hers.
I see. At some point, I had come to see this person—who is so much like me—as similar. When had I started thinking that? Probably from the moment I first saw those eyes.
The damned arranged engagement had, in a cruel twist of fate, cast a ray of salvation over Marion. She looked up at Maxim.
“…When you leave for Ebel, I’ll write you letters.”
Maxim nodded.
“Yeah. I’ll write back.”
“I’ll write often… very often.”
Marion spoke as if making a firm promise. Maxim quietly took her hand, saying he understood. The memory of that sunset at the castle ruins would surely remain, among all the memories of their three years together, as the most bittersweet and deeply etched one of all.