Im Chaeyeon's Past (2)
Her parents' divorce left Chaeyeon wary of any real connection with men. Better never to fall in love at all, she decided, than to end up shattered the way her mother had been.
That resolve began to crack later, when Suyeon remarried.
Seeing that a man like her new stepfather could love a woman so steadily and completely, Chaeyeon made up her mind: she would find someone like that for herself.
But… how do you even find a man like that?
Blessed with her mother's looks, Chaeyeon was stunning. Confessions came at her almost daily, as routine as breathing. Filtering out someone who could match her stepfather, though, proved nearly impossible.
So she asked her mother. That was how she learned her stepfather had confessed a full five times before Suyeon finally said yes.
Five times… Is that even possible?
Even Chaeyeon, who had been confessed to more times than she could count, had never received more than two from the same person. The thought that she might never meet a man like her stepfather left her quietly crushed.
Then one day—
"If it's all right with you… would you go out with me?"
Her college classmate Kim Sihyun asked her out. The line was cliché, his voice lacked any real confidence—a pathetic confession. Chaeyeon turned him down without a second thought.
Was I too harsh…?
The gnawing fear that she might never find a partner at all had sharpened her tongue more than usual. Barely into her college life, she had already made an enemy of one of her classmates. The thought made her head ache.
And yet—
Even after that brutal rejection, Sihyun's confessions refused to stop. The day after each refusal he would look crushed, but soon enough he would return with a face full of quiet resolve, laying his heart bare once more.
Maybe Sihyun is…
The man who might love her for a lifetime the way her stepfather loved her mother. That fragile hope took root, and even as she kept rejecting him, Chaeyeon began watching every little thing he did.
She studied his expressions. When he went to eat she dragged Sohee along so she could follow. Whenever he walked with another girl, her eyes fixed on him with open anxiety.
By the time the fourth confession ended—
Chaeyeon was still saying no, yet deep down she was already hoping he would come back again.
Just one more time. Then I'll say yes…
To anyone else it would have looked like pure manipulation. But this was going to be her first love and, she believed, her last. She wanted to choose carefully.
What does it even feel like… to date someone?
The anticipation left her bouncing on her heels, waiting for the next confession.
But—
Perhaps the string of rejections had finally broken him. A heavier gloom than usual settled over Sihyun's face. When days passed and he still couldn't manage a smile, it was Chaeyeon who grew restless.
Is this how it ends?
If only she had accepted the fourth time. She wanted to pound the ground in regret.
Still she hovered near him, praying he would try once more…
"Sihyun, just give up already. Im Chaeyeon doesn't feel a thing for you. Keeping this up is nothing but a nuisance."
Some girl was pressuring him to stop. The one who stuck to him like glue—Han Yerin.
It's not a nuisance.
She wanted to step out and say so, but the secluded spot made any sudden appearance look unnatural. So she stayed hidden and listened.
"Just once more. Treat it like the absolute last time. Let me try one more."
Unexpected good news. Chaeyeon's heart hammered. How deeply must he love her to go this far? Warmth spread through her chest.
This is no time to stand around.
She quickly fixed her makeup and walked past him as if by pure chance. And as a result—
"This is my last confession. If you turn me down again, I'll let it go."
She finally heard the fifth one. Like her stepfather, she had found a man who would look only at her.
This time she had no intention of refusing. Only gratitude. Heart racing, Chaeyeon said yes.
After that, Sihyun settled into her heart with startling speed.
He always checked whether she had eaten. When she couldn't sleep he sang to her over the phone. He looked at her with constant affection and, above all, put her first and loved her completely.
She fell for him hard and fast. And on the day she finally felt sure of her own feelings—
"Chaeyeon, I like you."
"I like you t—"
The moment she tried to return the words, the image of her broken mother flashed through her mind. No—her own face overlaid it.
You must never love a man. Or if you do, never show it. The second you do, he'll leave you.
Words drilled into her ears since childhood. Even with her mother nowhere nearby, that voice still circled her head.
Look at Mom. She never showed her heart and still built a happy family, didn't she? Dad pours out the love, Mom receives it. If Mom can fully accept Dad's love, our family will stay together forever.
Every time she tried to speak her feelings, the curse rang inside her skull. Cold sweat soaked her body. Her breath shortened. Her chest constricted.
She could not express the love overflowing inside her.
"This can't be…"
Sensing something was wrong with her, Chaeyeon hurried to a counselor. There she learned that everything she had endured as a child had locked chains around her heart.
I'm sorry… I'm so sorry I'm like this…
A girl who couldn't even say "I like you." How was she any different from her mother?
Sihyun kept loving her anyway, but every time he did, Chaeyeon writhed in self-loathing.
She kept going to therapy, guilt piling higher every day she failed to show affection. Then she saw Sihyun sitting happily with Yerin, and an indescribable anxiety seized her. He had told her Yerin was only an old friend, that there were no romantic feelings…
But unlike incomplete Chaeyeon, who couldn't even say she loved him, Yerin was pretty and honest about her own heart. In other words, someone who could snatch Sihyun away at any moment.
"Can't you keep a little more distance from other girls?"
Terrified of being cheated on, Chaeyeon tried to cut off every contact he had with other women.
"Yerin's pretty shy, you know… Without me she barely has any friends. Can't we make an exception just for her?"
Worried about leaving his childhood friend alone, Sihyun couldn't let go easily. Chaeyeon's brow furrowed; her voice turned firm.
"No. I want you to keep distance from Yerin too."
Sihyun fell silent. His relationship mattered, but asking him to cut off someone who had been family for fifteen years felt far too cruel.
The longer the silence stretched, the more Chaeyeon's anxiety swelled.
"Why can't you answer? You said you like me. Shouldn't I be enough? Why do you keep defending some other girl?"
First love or childhood friendship—which came first? While the scales tipped back and forth in Sihyun's mind, Chaeyeon grabbed both his shoulders and shouted.
"Is this really something you have to think so hard about? If it's like this, just date Yerin! Why are you even with me…!"
"Chaeyeon…"
"Then let's break up!"
The exact opposite of what she truly wanted. The second the words left her mouth she clapped a hand over it, but in that same instant Sihyun pulled her into his arms.
"Huh…?"
Stroking her hair to soothe her, he forced the words out.
"I'm sorry for making you anxious… I'll do everything you said."
"Y-yeah…"
Using love as a hostage. In that moment she had become exactly like her mother dealing with her stepfather.
I hate this…
She hated it, yet it was unmistakably the most effective method. Moments earlier Sihyun had been wavering; one threat of a breakup and he chose her.
For psychologically incomplete Chaeyeon, it became the only way she knew to keep him.
After Sihyun put distance between himself and Yerin, he kept watching his childhood friend grow thinner and more listless with quiet sorrow.
He never looked at Chaeyeon the same way; his eyes kept drifting to another girl.
Every time she saw it, Chaeyeon's anxiety twisted her personality further. She grew more controlling, more forceful, desperate to lock him down completely.
Each time, Sihyun's face filled with sadness, and Chaeyeon thrashed under the guilt. She drank to erase the memory, then let him carry her home afterward—over and over.
At least like this… I can be held without having to demand it.
His solid back. The familiar scent of fabric softener. The gentle scolding to drink a little less.
Loving him so much she thought she might go mad, Chaeyeon pretended to sleep and clung tightly to his body.
I'm so sorry, and I love you so much…
There had been hardships, but their relationship had settled into something that worked. Looking through the photos they took together whenever she had a free moment, bragging to her friends—those days, Chaeyeon could proudly call the happiest of her life.
As the months piled up, the relationship began to warp in subtle ways.
The guilt over her power-tripping faded; Chaeyeon started using it to mold Sihyun however she pleased. And Sihyun, who had always taken the subordinate role, began to feel disillusioned with the whole thing.
Then, on a sweltering summer day, while hanging out with old friends, Chaeyeon got a call from Sohee.
"A blind date?"
Not an ordinary one. It was a setup—a staged meeting meant to help a friend get together with the person she liked.
The friend Sohee mentioned was someone Chaeyeon was close with too, so she wanted to help… but a place full of other men. It felt like betraying Sihyun, and she hesitated hard.
"Sorry, I'm dating Sihyun. I really don't feel right going to something like that."
She refused. But Sohee insisted there was no one else left to ask, her voice thick with tears as she begged Chaeyeon just to fill a seat. Worn down, Chaeyeon made a careless choice.
What do I do…
While the two guys and two friends they had met early at the café hashed out the plan, Chaeyeon sat bouncing her leg with nerves.
She was biting her nails, praying for time to crawl by, when—
Ding—
A message from Sihyun.
She checked the messages through the notification banner. Guilt over the blind date made her too ashamed to reply properly.
I love you too.
She wanted to see him right that second. She wouldn't spend the money here; she would put it toward new shoes for him. Last time she looked, his had been falling apart.
Maybe I should just quit now…
She opened her mouth, then closed it again when she saw the others deep in heated discussion. They already believed she would fill the seat. Backing out now would be too awkward.
Later, the blind date began at a wine bar. As planned, Chaeyeon only introduced her name and sat there like a warm body filling a chair.
Kak!
What did he want to talk about?
She checked the notification and promised herself she would contact him the second the date ended. While Sohee handled the conversation, Chaeyeon browsed shoes she could buy for Sihyun.
Then—
"Chaeyeon-ssi, what are your hobbies?"
An unexpected development. The man her friend liked had started showing interest in her. Or maybe it was inevitable—her looks were far too striking to treat as mere filler.
"I don't really have any."
She answered shortly and looked back at her phone. The man gave a hollow laugh and scratched the back of his head, then kept trying to talk.
"I like surfing. Since it's summer, it might be fun if our group went together."
Chaeyeon ignored him outright.
Come to think of it, Sihyun and I have never been to the beach. Maybe Haeundae for the next date?
She even had the swimsuit he loved so much. If she wore it then, he would be over the moon. And if the mood was right…
Embarrassed by her own thoughts, she gulped down wine.
"Huu…"
She fanned herself with her hand and checked her phone again. Not long after, Sihyun called.
What do I do… If I pick up now he might hear everything…
Guilt-ridden, she hurriedly silenced the phone and set it on the table, as if turning her back on reality.
I'm sorry. I'll call the second this ends. Just wait a little longer.
While she prayed for the date to finish quickly, another message arrived.
A wine bar… She couldn't say that honestly.
His uncanny instinct made her pulse spike. She glanced around.
Thank god he's not here…
Cold sweat ran down her spine. Leaving this any longer would be disaster. She lied just to put out the fire.
Guilt crawled up her throat; her chest tightened with fear of being caught. She exhaled shallowly, about to say she would call later, when—
The second she read the reply, time seemed to freeze. Her body rose on pure reflex. She turned her head, praying no one would be there—
But Sihyun stood right there. Wearing a terrifying expression she had never seen before.
"What the… Kim Sihyun, how did you even know I was here."
Her mind went blank; she felt like she might stop breathing. Her legs shook, her vision blurred, yet somehow words still left her mouth.
"What are you doing here? You said it was just girls, so why are there guys sitting across from you."
Every word from him made her regret her stupid choice more deeply.
No matter the reason, I should have refused a place like this…
She wanted to slap her own head. Sihyun's furious words kept coming.
"I think I get it without you explaining. Three guys, three girls, sitting in pairs. Only an idiot wouldn't know what this is."
"I know what you're thinking, but this is a misunderstanding."
"Misunderstanding my ass. The fact that you're here at all means you cheated on me behind my back."
"I said it's not like that."
The idea that she would cheat on Sihyun was pure nonsense. Throughout their entire relationship she had never even looked at another man.
"Then explain. I'll listen."
She glanced at her friends, about to tell the whole truth, when Sohee jumped up in a panic.
"Sihyun, Chaeyeon really didn't do anything wrong. She said she didn't want to come—I dragged her here myself."
"Whether you brought her or some other guy did, she should have refused to the end. How does it make any sense to go on a blind date while you have a boyfriend?"
It didn't make sense. That was exactly why Chaeyeon regretted it so bitterly. Like a criminal trying to hide her shame, she just wanted to get out of the wine bar.
"Let's talk outside. What are you doing in front of all these people."
"Why? Embarrassed because people are staring? Good. At least you know you did something shameful."
"I told you it's a misunderstanding. I only came to fill a seat. I never had any intention of actually dating anyone."
"How am I supposed to believe that? I watched you ignore my call because you were in the middle of a blind date. Im Chaeyeon, do you think I'm a joke?"
He had seen everything… The world spun. She had no idea how to fix this. The road ahead looked pitch black.
"It's not like that, so stop jumping to conclusions. I was just—"
She tried to continue when the blind-date guy who had been interested in her opened his mouth.
"You're the one who couldn't manage your girlfriend properly and caused this whole mess, so why are you acting like this?"
The sudden interloper left Chaeyeon speechless with disbelief.
"What did you just say."
"Did I say something wrong? Chaeyeon-ssi must not have been satisfied with her boyfriend, so she came to a blind date."
"You little—"
Pouring gasoline on a burning house. Chaeyeon was horrified. Enraged beyond reason, Sihyun grabbed the guy by the collar.
"What, you gonna hit me?"
The atmosphere turned ugly. Terrified Sihyun might get hurt, Chaeyeon hurriedly yanked on his arm.
"Stop it already!"
"Let go."
He shook her hand off coldly. Chaeyeon wanted to burst into tears right then.
"That's right, Chaeyeon-ssi. Let go once. I'll help you cut ties with this guy."
The blind-date guy's endless trolling made her want to lose her mind. Friend's crush or not, she finally snapped and glared at him like she wanted him dead.
"I don't know why you keep acting so familiar, but you shut the hell up."
She wanted to hurl every curse in the world, but calming Sihyun came first. Luckily the guy quieted down. She headed for the exit.
"Kim Sihyun, follow me."
"Have you completely lost it? Why are you acting like some thug? I told you to stop!"
Why was she doing this? Inside the wine bar she had wanted to apologize, but the fear of being scolded by Sihyun flipped her into the dominant role instead.
Desperate to snuff out his anger fast, she made the worst possible choice.
"If you hadn't gone on that blind date, none of this would have happened."
"Excuse me? Did I go because I wanted to? Sohee begged me to come and I just sat there. Is that such a crime?"
What right did she have to talk like this? Even as she snapped back, her head spun so hard she thought she might collapse.
"Of course it's a crime. Sohee doesn't only have you as a friend. Why did you have to go? If it were me, my conscience wouldn't have let me."
She had no comeback for that. While she kept her mouth shut, the silent Sihyun continued.
"Apologize. Say you're sorry. Then I'll let it slide just this once."
Even after something like this, he would forgive her for a single apology… How kind could one person be.
Her lips parted; she decided to lean on that mercy.
"I'm sorry…"
"Too quiet. Can't hear you. What?"
Maybe her voice had been too soft. She was about to apologize again when a thought suddenly cut through her mind.
If I bow my head here, I'll never be able to control Sihyun again…
Misunderstanding or not, she had met another man. She had forbidden him from contact with other women, yet she had been the one to slip first.
This would give him leverage. Later, if he met Yerin and she got angry, he could throw this incident back in her face and justify himself.
I hate that…
She knew she was selfish. She knew people would call her trash. Even so—
"I didn't do anything wrong. I'm never apologizing."
She wanted to stop him from going to any other woman.
"What…?"
His stunned face reflected in her eyes. She knew perfectly well how absurd her words sounded.
But for Chaeyeon, who couldn't show affection and had long abandoned kindness, this was the only move left.
"More importantly, how did you even know I was there? Were you stalking me?"
"Hey, Im Chaeyeon…"
She knew she was crawling into a pit of evil of her own free will. But the path she had chosen could no longer be reversed.
"You keep saying you like me, and now you're doing stalker shit?"
She knew Sihyun would never do that. It was pure thrashing for control. She felt so disgusted with herself that her stomach churned.
"Fucking cut it out already!"
"Did you just… curse at me…?"
"You turn your own boyfriend into trash just because you don't want to say one apology—wouldn't you curse too?"
It was the first time he had ever sworn at her. Shocking, yet part of her felt strangely relieved. Deep down she had been cursing her incomplete, selfish self as well.
"You're really going off the rails… Do you not want to date me anymore?"
Pushed to the edge, Chaeyeon finally pulled out her last card. Just like always, she tried to use love as a hostage to force his anger down…
"Are we even really dating?"
"What…"
The unexpected answer left her blank.
"Other couples can't stop saying how much they like each other. I've never heard you say it once the whole time we've been together."
He drove the blade straight into the place she feared most, pouring out every drop of resentment he had stored up.
That's not true… I do like you!
But she couldn't say it honestly. Her chest burned as she answered.
"So what? Just being able to date me should be enough for you. You've been fine until now—why make a scene all of a sudden."
Status quo. She only wanted him to wait until her psychological issues were treated. If that day came, she would pour out every feeling she had never been able to give. She had already sworn it to herself.
But Sihyun had no way of knowing that, and he kept going.
"Do you think our relationship right now is right… No. Chaeyeon, do you even like me?"
She did. After every date she stared at the photos they took until dawn. When the time for his call approached she stopped everything she was doing and waited with a fluttering heart.
"Why can't you answer."
She liked him so much that even seeing him talk to another girl left her depressed all day…
Yet she still couldn't express it. Every time she tried to say the words, the gloomy past clamped around her throat and tore through her brain.
"Selfish bitch."
In the end Sihyun walked away. Chaeyeon watched his receding back with terrified eyes.
"Hey, Kim Sihyun! Are you really going to break up with me like this?"
"Yeah. Let's just stop. I'm tired of this too…"
The terror of being abandoned shook her mind to pieces. Unable to think, she became desperate to stop him somehow.
"If you take one more step… the second you do, it's really over…"
Her strained words made him pause, as if some lingering attachment still held him. But only for a moment. He started walking again, and at the same time raised his fist.
What is that…?
Her attention locked on him.
Sihyun's middle finger stabbed into her chest like a dagger.
"Hey!!"
Stunned, Chaeyeon collapsed right where she stood. Tears poured down. Whether people stared or not, she could only sob under the pain of the breakup.
"Please come back… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…!"
She apologized too late. Sihyun was already gone. While she wailed, rain began to fall from the sky, soaking her body bit by bit.
I hate myself so much…
Could staying out in the rain long enough give you hypothermia? Full of self-loathing, she stayed on her knees on the ground, quiet and still.
"He said let's break up… He said he's tired…"
She repeated his last words, blaming herself for nearly twenty minutes, when—
"Chaeyeon!"
Sohee arrived late and hauled up the girl who lay there like a corpse.
"Ch-Chaeyeon, why are you like this… Where's Sihyun…"
"He told me to break up…"
Sohee realized she had done something unforgivable.
It's all my fault…
To the best friend who bragged about Sihyun every day, who lit up looking at his photos—Sohee had no idea how to apologize.
"I-I'm so sorry!"
She could only drop to her knees and bow her head. Even with a puddle of water right there, she kept apologizing. Chaeyeon stared blankly at her.
She wanted to blame Sohee too, but in the end she believed the bigger problem was that she herself had gone along with the blind date.
"I-I'll definitely get you two back together. No matter what it takes, I…!"
To the frantically apologizing Sohee, Chaeyeon said quietly,
"I want to be alone…"
Alone at home, Chaeyeon climbed onto the bed without even changing clothes and hugged her knees.
I don't even know what's what anymore…
Love me. Stay only by my side. Don't even look at other women. She felt nothing but disgust for her selfish, contradictory self.
She didn't want to break up like this. No matter what, she had to apologize for tonight.
Her finger hovered over the send button…
"No… I'll meet him in person tomorrow and talk."
After a day passed and his anger cooled, they would talk. She would pour out everything—her psychological issues, every problem she had been suffering alone. With that resolve, she went to school the next day with a determined face.
To clear the misunderstanding as fast as possible she went with Sohee, and checked the classroom window to see if Sihyun was inside.
And she saw Sihyun and Yerin sitting together, looking intimate.
The second we break up he runs straight to Yerin…? What the hell was I to you…
Bang!
Furious, she shoved the door open hard. The desire to resolve things through conversation vanished; betrayal toward the Sihyun who had left her for Yerin flooded in.
To you… what on earth was I…
«Switching to the classmates' MT timeline.»
Thirst woke Chaeyeon in the middle of the night. She pulled a bottle of water from her bag and drank. Looking around, she saw everyone else passed out drunk. Confirming that, she muffled her footsteps and headed to another room.
And there—
"Sihyun… I like you…"
She found Yerin clinging tightly to Sihyun as if he were a giant teddy bear. Sihyun's sleeping face looked pained. Anger flashed across Chaeyeon's features; she hurriedly shoved Yerin's body away.
Roll…
Once Yerin was removed, Sihyun's expression relaxed. He was snoring, clearly exhausted. Chaeyeon pressed the shutter and saved the sight to her gallery.
Cute…
She pulled the rumpled blanket back over him and brushed his hair to the side. Moonlight lit his face clearly, and his lips stood out especially.
Even if it was artificial respiration, I wish you hadn't done it…
She stared at those lips with a dissatisfied look and touched them. A light tap made his brow furrow. She quickly hid, confirmed he hadn't woken, then approached again.
Don't go to Yerin… From now on I'll do better. I won't scold you, I won't go near other guys, I'll only look at you…
Chaeyeon lowered her head toward his lips. Strangely, while he slept she could express affection freely, so she often did it in secret.
Peck.
"I like you…"
And the words she could never say while he was conscious, she whispered over and over while he slept.
"I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you. I like you…"
Whispering so only he could hear, Chaeyeon was soon kissing him with tears streaming down her face.
The falling tears landed at the corner of his mouth. The moment he stirred—
Chaeyeon was already gone from the room.