Purpose Without Reason
The sunlight shattered gently across the wide, calm surface of the river, and a lukewarm breeze brushed against my cheek. The Yangtze was said to flow with unyielding dignity, yet even here the signs of spring were unmistakable. Resting my chin on one hand, I gazed at the distant ripples and felt my own heart fill with the same buoyant sentiment of spring. I murmured softly to myself.
"How can I become close with the two young ladies?"
"Please shut your mouth."
Dang Ju-yeon growled. I asked in return,
"Then will you become my lover?"
"...If a pretense of being lovers is necessary, I already said I would do it. Why do you keep doing this?"
Dang Ju-yeon frowned deeply. I thought it over. Pretending to have a lover was clearly not the right approach. Master—though she was no longer my master, and there was no one left to object, I had decided to keep calling her that in my heart—had wanted me to make friends and lovers for a reason I could not entirely fail to grasp. She had hoped my life would be filled with people who would interfere before they could judge or weigh reason and propriety. Separate from the discomfort the word "exile" still caused me, I understood that this path was right and that it had been done for my sake. Yet if I took Dang Ju-yeon and lied that I had made a lover, how disappointed and angry would Master be? The conditional exile might become something irreversible. I could not bear that, so I shook my head.
"That will not do."
"Why not?"
"What I need right now is a real lover."
"What on earth did you eat? I already knew you were not in your right mind, but this is a fine demonstration that a madman going mad does not suddenly become sane."
Before Dang Ju-yeon could say more, Yeom Ho-yun cut in.
"Young Hero Yu."
"Do you think differently, young lady?"
"No, that is not it. Just imagining it gives me goosebumps. No, well, a person ought to live within their station, should they not?"
"True, I suppose I am rather burdensome."
I nodded. After all, how many people reached the ranks of the One Hundred Great Masters before coming of age? On top of that, I now possessed both fame and wealth. After leaving Luoyang I had stopped at the Gongsun Clan and the Homeng Escort Bureau and fought twice more. Though Chu Yeonggak-ung had been dangerous, his opponent had been careless, and Taehogwon-ung had been slightly beneath my current skill. With five of the One Hundred Great Masters defeated by my hand, people from every direction sought me out under every pretext. Each visitor brought generous gifts, and some offered large sums simply for a friendly meeting or two and the use of a few items. There was no reason to refuse, so my purse soon overflowed with gold. Moreover, though I did not quite see it myself, one of my nicknames was Jade-Faced Divine Sword, which meant my face was considered jade-like by others. Thus I possessed martial prowess, reputation, wealth, and appearance. How could I not be burdensome to those who considered themselves ordinary?
"...That is the part I meant."
"Which part do you mean?"
When I looked puzzled, Yeom Ho-yun sighed and said,
"Well, never mind. You would only claim it was sincere anyway. Then let me ask this instead. So many people follow you and say they like you—why us and not them?"
"Them" referred to the various young ladies who had begun writing letters or appearing wherever I went. Popularity was only natural. Still, was there any need to explain why it could never work?
"Because they are people I have never met before."
"..."
"They know nothing about me and share no connection with me. Even if we suddenly became lovers, it would not be real. As I keep saying, I do not need someone to pretend to be my lover. I want to make a real one."
Yeom Ho-yun pressed her lips together while Dang Ju-yeon snorted again. Jegal Ji set down her teacup and spoke.
"Then is that also why you made the offer to the other two young ladies but not to me?"
"That is correct. I have no real connection with Young Lady Jegal yet."
She had joined the group in Luoyang after the Heavenly Demon withdrew. The other two young ladies had been quite curious about how the Heavenly Demon had taken Jegal Ji's appearance and how the real Jegal Ji knew the Heavenly Demon so well, but it was none of my concern. I merely traveled with her to avoid turning the sudden disappearance of the Heavenly Demon disguised as Jegal Ji into a troublesome matter. She cooked well, spoke well, and was excellent at finding the way—far more helpful over the past month than I had expected from someone accepted on a whim—yet she still lacked the bond I shared with Dang Ju-yeon and Yeom Ho-yun.
"What is your standard for connection? Simply time spent together?"
"No."
Time might matter to some degree, but it alone could not define a true bond. I remembered clearly that Master had been special to me from the very first day we met.
"To explain... I believe a true connection exists only when neither person can weigh the other's actions by their usefulness."
"What if reasons can be given?"
"When we act, there is always a reason if you look closely. We move toward some purpose. Yet sometimes we cannot explain the usefulness of our own actions. Only when two people draw such actions from each other can there be a real connection."
Jegal Ji met my eyes in silence for a moment, then answered quietly.
"In other words, you mean a relationship in which each is the other's purpose."
"Purpose?"
"Is it not so? The only reason one cannot weigh usefulness is because the thing itself is the purpose; its function need not be considered."
"Hmm..."
I found myself nodding. Perhaps she truly deserved the title Ten Thousand Studies Wise Flower. A few words from Jegal Ji had neatly organized thoughts that had felt tangled. I repeated,
"I see. You are right. I want a relationship in which each is the other's purpose."
"And you already share that with Young Lady Dang and Young Lady Yeom? That is why you can speak to them this way—because you cannot weigh your actions toward them by usefulness."
"Yes."
I answered without hesitation. After all, the time I had abandoned Master to save the two of them by fighting Mubidogaek could never be explained as useful, no matter how I tried. At my firm agreement, Dang Ju-yeon and Yeom Ho-yun wore complicated expressions. Jegal Ji picked up her tea again and summarized.
"So Young Hero Yu desires a genuine lover relationship in which each is the other's purpose, and unlike with me or the letter-writing young ladies, you already share that with the two young ladies—hence the offer to them. I suppose that is understandable. Of course, it is also possible that you feel this way while the two young ladies feel nothing of the sort."
It was possible. Yet at least from what I could see, it was not the case. If the two of them judged me solely by usefulness, they would have grown angry at my irritating behavior and sought shelter in the nearest clan, begging to be protected from the Heavenly Demon's minion, the Ten-Thousand Painting Sword. Since they showed not the slightest inclination to do so, it was clear they also regarded me as a purpose to some degree.
"...Not quite to that extent."
Yeom Ho-yun spoke first, her face as though she had spat out something bitter.
"There are certainly many irritating parts... but after traveling together this long, I am not so heartless as to claim there is no connection at all. I have gained quite a lot thanks to you. Still, I cannot say whether that makes us lovers."
Dang Ju-yeon, who had been about to add something unpleasant, suddenly furrowed her brows deeply, then relaxed them and brightened.
"I understand now, Young Hero Yu."
"Yes?"
"You said you wanted to become lovers in a genuine relationship where each is the other's purpose, correct?"
"Yes. That is what I said."
"Then why are you in such a hurry to obtain a lover?"
"Yes?"
Dang Ju-yeon stretched her lips into a long smile and explained.
"Look. Before this, I had never once heard the word 'lover' from Young Hero Yu's mouth. Yet ever since the day after the fight in Luoyang, you have spoken of lovers every single day. And when you speak, it always sounds as though either of us would do."
"Indeed. We had grown used to your usual odd behavior and let it pass, but thinking about it, you are openly trying to have it both ways."
Now that I heard it, that was true. Yet I did not panic. I had never been the sort to care about ordinary people's ethics. It was true that I had recently been trying to change my thinking in various ways, but there was no need to change this as well. If making people one's purpose enriched life, why should I be bound by the petty traditions invented by people I had never met? If they merely wished to scold me for being frivolous, I had plenty of rebuttals ready, beginning with how one could even argue such a point. Nevertheless, the unease I felt—what was it?
"Well, loving two people at once—if we speak purely of whether it is possible or impossible—has happened before in this world, has it not?"
"It is not that you want both as lovers; the important part is that either one would suffice. Under the purpose of wanting to make a lover, you are now looking for usefulness in the two of us."
"..."
As though struck under the chin by a raised hammer, my mouth clamped shut and no answer came. Seeing that I could not find words, Dang Ju-yeon's lips curved even more sharply upward.
"Even if the relationship we share now counts as one in which each is the other's purpose, the lover relationship you propose from this point onward would not be the same. What do you think?"
"...You are right."
When I answered with difficulty, Dang Ju-yeon let out a long sigh like a groan and leaned back against her chair as though throwing herself against it.
"Finally free of that tiresome nonsense. If you were going to do it, you should have at least made it plausible. With such sharp intuition, why torment people with this foolish act instead of deceiving them properly?"
Her words caught on something. I lifted my head sharply and met Dang Ju-yeon's eyes.
"...That does not mean I want you to deceive me. No matter what you do, I will never be deceived, so do not waste your effort."
"No, that is enough. Still..."
She was right. Indeed, if the goal had truly been to make the two of them my lovers, there would have been far better methods. Continuing to be kind without giving reasons, pretending there was a meaningful past and glossing over everything that had happened, acting weak—I had always prided myself on reading people's hearts better than anyone. Even regarding methods of moving others, I was no complete novice. So how had I ended up using such a foolish approach? Had I never truly wanted to make them my lovers in the first place, and had only wished to torment them with a convenient excuse? Then why had I felt no desire to properly court them, and why had I grown so irritated that I resorted to petty spite? As before, it was exhausting that I could see others' hearts so clearly yet struggled to examine my own. If only there were something like a mirror.