Think of Me as a Friend
I'd rented a German premium sedan — rear-wheel drive, the kind driving enthusiasts swear by, with a ride silkier than any front-wheel-drive machine and steering sharp enough to cut. My own car was the most expensive German marque money could buy; I drove it so my daughter would never have to swallow anyone's contempt. This one, though, I'd been itching to try for a long time. Driving was one of the few hobbies I still had.
The engine growled. Two hours behind the wheel, I was more than satisfied. Where my own car leaned so far into comfort it had given up everything else, this one had kept both — that plushness, and a keen, cutting feel through the turns.
"Whoa... cars these days are absolutely plastered with screens. Even the gauge cluster is a display... wow, that's so cool!"
Doctor Baek Ah-rin was fascinated.
"You drive at all, Doctor Baek?"
"Ah! You didn't know? I have a car!"
"What kind?"
"Small and cute is the way to go, sir. It's a compact."
A little Korean city car. A pay doctor's salary was nothing to sneeze at. It certainly wasn't so low you'd be stuck in a compact, though...
"Hey, people are going to think I'm some cheapskate director who underpays his staff. Why not get yourself something nicer?"
"Haha... I was a little short on money, sir. I send living expenses to my father."
"What?"
Something lurched up in my chest. A father who'd never been a father. And she was sending that man living expenses?
"Why would you send money to a man like that?"
"If I don't, he keeps saying he'll kill himself... haha...."
It was a laugh with no humor in it. People like that never actually die. It was garden-variety gaslighting. Trash that only remembered blood ties when it was convenient.
"You're not sending it anymore, though. Right?"
A shadow flickered across Doctor Baek's face. Then it brightened again, and she opened her mouth.
"Yes. I've decided to cut ties with that man, so I shouldn't send money anymore either, sir."
"I feel like you'll send it anyway. Because you feel sorry for him."
She looked faintly flustered.
"I will not. I won't send it. From now on I'm spending everything I earn on myself."
"Good. He's not going to die just because you stop. People like that? Their guts are the size of a bean."
"Haha... that might be true."
"He doesn't know your home address, does he?"
"He... does. Why do you ask?"
Ah. If he knew, that was a problem. Men of that stripe couldn't follow through on dying, but they were more than capable of showing up and making a scene.
"The place you're in now is a rental, right?"
"Yes, that's right, sir."
"Move. Somewhere else. Right away."
"Why is that, sir?"
"Your father. It never occurred to you that he might come looking?"
"Ah......"
Her face darkened in an instant. There it was. Doctor Baek had a streak of naivete in her, more than she knew. She thought if she cut him off, that would be the end of it.
"You stop the money, and he'll come looking. I can almost guarantee it."
"W-wait... I can't have that happen......"
Her body started to tremble. Fear, almost certainly. She had lived under her father's fists. A soju bottle, no less. If that man showed up at her door and started in again, she would come apart.
"N-no... I can't... if he does that... what if......."
It really seemed she'd never thought that far. In the passenger seat, she had gone taut with anxiety. I could feel her shaking from here.
What now?
Right. My daughter had always liked this too.
I reached over and took Doctor Baek's hand.
"Ah...?"
"Don't be so scared. He's nobody. Nothing special."
"Even so... I... I... ah....."
"I know what you're afraid of. I'll help you. I'll walk you through it, so don't worry yourself sick over this."
"It'll be all right... won't it, sir......"
"It will. There won't be any problem."
The trembling eased. Those words — I'll help you. When I had been the one struggling, having someone I trusted say that to me had meant everything. It had given me strength. I wanted to be that for her, in the same way.
"Thank you... sir."
Her hand tightened around mine. A mark of fierce, unguarded trust.
"Anyway. We didn't come all the way out to Jeju Island to talk about this, did we? Forget it. Let's just enjoy ourselves."
"En... enjoy ourselves......"
Her body flushed hot in an instant. Even her hand turned warm in mine. She'd come here with quite the expectations, it seemed. Well. It had been a wish, after all.
"What's this, what's this? Sounds like you had something fun all planned out."
"Ah... well... that's right, sir!! I've been looking forward to it!"
Fired up, full of vim. Good. I preferred her looking like that to looking deflated.
One kilometer remaining to destination.
We were almost at the braised-mackerel place I'd set as our destination. I was hungry, so the plan was to eat first and then climb Seongsan Ilchulbong. Her idea of a plan might be different, though, so I figured I should ask.
"Doctor Baek — you want to see Ilchulbong first and then eat, or eat first and then go up?"
"You wanted to eat first and then hike up, didn't you, sir? Let's eat, then go up."
That was true, honestly. I was hungry. Eating before exercise or skipping the meal entirely didn't make much difference to me either way. But sometimes a full stomach on a climb meant a stitch in the gut, which was why I'd asked.
"You didn't change your mind on my account, did you?"
"Not in the slightest, sir."
"Hmm. I'd have to be able to believe that."
"I've lived my life on honesty and good faith, sir."
Fair enough. She wasn't the type to lie.
"All right. Let's eat, then go. It's my daughter's favorite place. Braised mackerel! No fishy smell, and it tastes incredible."
"Do you like it too, sir?"
The question had a slightly different shade to it.
"Ah... yeah. I like everything my daughter likes."
"Ah... I see, sir."
What was that?
The air had gone faintly strange. Or had it? Was I just being sensitive?
Yeah. I'd gotten a little oversensitive lately. Too many things piling up at once. Start reacting to every little ripple and you ended up with nothing — no rice, no porridge, just a mess. I told myself to let it go.
You have arrived at your destination.
BREAK TIME FROM 3:00 PM
"Sir!! It says they go on break at three!!"
"What?"
I checked the clock. 2:40.
"Crap — get in there, now. If we miss this window we can forget about lunch. There's no other decent place around here!"
"Yes, sir!!"
The tires chirped as I pulled up at the entrance.
"I'll stay with the car. You go in and order."
"Yes, sir. I'll put in two portions of the braise."
"Knew I could count on you. You know exactly what I want."
"They say even a schoolhouse dog can recite poetry after three years, don't they?"
"Hurry up and go in. We'll be late."
"Yes, sir!"
She slipped into the restaurant at a clip. In light hiking boots and outdoor gear, her movements looked far freer than they had in a miniskirt — as if she'd set down some heavy load. My goal was to make that lightness go further still.
"I hope she likes it."
I swung the car around and parked in a hurry.
"Hoo... hahh......!"
Doctor Baek Ah-rin couldn't stop making little sounds of wonder as she pushed braised mackerel into her mouth. It tasted exactly as I remembered. Norwegian fish, yes, but they'd sourced it fresh, and the sauce was a revelation. Down south they usually folded salted fermented seafood into a braise like this, which left a faintly muddy funk. Here they'd stripped that funk away and left nothing but pure, lingering umami.
"Wow. I honestly never liked fish braises that much, sir. This is genuinely delicious."
Chop, chop. Her chopsticks never slowed.
"Wow... this is... this is really good! Ahh... how does it taste like this!!"
She was usually a talker at the table. Watching someone like that go quiet and hunt nothing but the mackerel told me I'd picked well.
"You used to hate braised mackerel?"
"Yes, but here the flesh just comes away, and the sauce... it's so good!"
"You said you didn't like it, so why'd you want to come here?"
I tossed it out half as a joke.
"Ah... well........"
Doctor Baek Ah-rin's face went white.
What?
"I-I'm sorry, I... I wasn't trying to lie, I just....."
She was wound far too tight. She wasn't taking my words as a joke the way she usually did. She was taking every syllable in earnest.
"Hey... hey, why are you taking it like that?"
"I'm sor...ry, sir."
This wasn't working.
"Hey. Baek Ah-rin."
"Yes..."
"Snap out of it!"
I brought my chopsticks down hard against the table. Fortunately we were in the restaurant's annex; they'd given us this room because the main hall needed to be cleaned up. There was no one else eating. Just us.
"I'm... I'm sorry......"
Tears had started to well in Doctor Baek's eyes.
"What's going on with you?"
"That's... I......"
"Why are you so tense? Am I making you uncomfortable?"
"N-no. You're not."
"Then why? You're being strange right now, Doctor Baek. Wound up way too tight."
"I'm sor...ry."
"I didn't say any of that to hear you apologize."
The braise bubbled away over a low flame. I stood and moved to the seat beside her.
"Uh... s-sir... why are you sitting next to me......"
Color flooded into her face.
"Do you know why I came here with you?"
"That's... because I asked......"
"No."
I closed my hand around hers.
"I came because you looked exhausted."
She said nothing.
"Doctor Baek... you... my junior... looked like you were having a hard time. So even an old man like me — if you were all right with that — wanted to come out and help you unwind."
Tears brimmed full in her eyes, shining, ready to fall.
"No... sir... you're not old at all......"
"That's not the point."
I put some weight into the hand I was holding. I wanted her to feel the weight of what I was saying.
I smiled, hoping it would help her feel at ease.
"I'm not someone who ever hurt you. You can relax around me."
A tear slipped free. Then another, spotting the fabric of her hiking pants.
"S-sir... thank you......"
"Yeah."
I gathered Ah-rin into my arms. That, I thought, was what would steady her. I could feel her heart hammering against me. For a while that rhythm stayed wild, racing, as if it didn't know how to stop — and then, little by little, it began to slow.