1. Confession
1. Confession
Priest-nim, my daughter is a monster.
Not the kind of monster with horns and sharp teeth. A monster missing the 'heart' that a human should fully possess.
Thinking back now, it's suspicious that she didn't cry even right after being born. In the newborn room filled with babies' cries, that child alone didn't cry.
Amid the ear-piercing noisy wails, my daughter 'Miyagi' was sleeping soundly as if in perfect peace.
Looking at her like that, the nurse comforted me when I grew anxious wondering if my daughter was different from the other kids.
She told me not to worry too much. That sometimes there are kids like this. That the checks showed nothing wrong.
Saying that, she carefully handed Miyagi to me, who was fretting.
Miyagi was so small back then. Not just because she was a premature baby weighing 500g less than others, but really...
It felt like I was holding the smallest being in the world.
The sensation of cradling such a fragile existence that seemed like it would break if I held it even a little too tightly. That lump in my throat I felt back then...
That was surely the maternal love I can no longer feel for that child now.
Miyagi grew so fast it was like she'd never been a premature baby. She started babbling sooner than others, crawling sooner, taking her first steps sooner.
People around us showered her with admiration, calling her a genius. Up until then, I also thought Miyagi was a genius and gave her my boundless affection.
Was that why? The year Miyagi turned three, a Producer (PD) from a broadcasting station suggested to me that Miyagi and I appear on a show together.
It was a standard variety program. One where parents and kids come out to show their parenting life—a program guaranteed high ratings.
There was no reason to refuse.
I'd paused my acting career after giving birth, and I thought it wasn't a bad idea to start exposing Miyagi's face to the entertainment industry right away.
An investment for the future—
Yes, that's how I thought. Since I worked in the entertainment industry, I had no doubt my daughter would work there too.
Child Actors are more popular the younger they are, and you have to stamp their faces in people's minds from infancy to build familiarity.
I immediately replied to the Producer (PD) that we'd appear on the program. It was perfect for my return to the industry and my daughter's debut.
But that choice... even now, it fills me with regret.
If only I hadn't been so greedy back then...
If only I'd been a parent who could show Miyagi a path outside the entertainment industry...
I might have lived without knowing that child was a 'monster.'
I keep thinking how I want to go back to the past when I didn't know that fact.
Can you imagine what it feels like for a mother to have no choice but to fear her own daughter?
Even when I want to love her, I can't.
When I look at my daughter's face, the emotion that rises isn't maternal love—it's fear.
Sometimes when I look at Miyagi, I get this disconnect, like the monster killed my daughter and is wearing her skin. Like the monster is acting like my daughter...
...I see, Priest-nim. I need to explain why I started seeing Miyagi as a monster.
As I mentioned earlier, when Miyagi was three, I got the offer from the broadcasting station Producer (PD) and decided to appear on a Parenting Variety Show.
Priest-nim, do you watch Parenting Variety Shows? Do you think all those funny and heartwarming scenes of parents and kids on TV happen naturally?
No. No. Even in Parenting Variety Shows, there's at least a minimal script and lines. What they call guidelines.
Instructions on how parents should act to draw out the child's reactions... written directions from the director. Or sometimes the director suggests things directly to the kid during filming.
So in other words...
It means that, if needed, even a three-year-old child has to 'act' on air. And Miyagi did it incredibly well.
...Yes? What's the problem with that?
Right, there was no problem at all. The shoot went perfectly, and after it aired, Miyagi gained huge popularity with her angel-like kid image.
The scene where a three-year-old spoke more maturely than her peers and told me she loved me... it still comes up in broadcasts sometimes.
...Priest-nim knew about it too. Then this'll go faster.
Priest-nim, but what if I told you it was all 'acting'? That it was a scenario scripted by the director for that child—would you believe it?
Yes, you wouldn't believe it. Anyone seeing that scene would think it was a mature kid, a kid who clearly loved her mom. But I know it was 'acting.'
Acting put on by a mere three-year-old.
The problem for me is that a mere three-year-old perfectly understood the adult director's instructions and 'acted' them out. And so flawlessly too.
It gave me chills.
A kid who normally couldn't even speak properly would change with every instruction from the director. Smile, and she smiles; get angry, and she gets angry.
Her expression changed every moment like her personality was switching. She immediately did actions she'd never do for me normally, just on the director's say-so.
As if she'd always done them that way...
......Uuk.
After the broadcast ended, as I held the child and headed home...
I had the illusion that I was carrying a different child home. It felt like the baby in my arms wasn't the daughter I gave birth to.
...After that, the Producer (PD) contacted me. Saying the child had amazing acting talent, so how about taking on the role of Child Actor in a drama they were producing now.
That he'd never seen a Child Actor who listened so well. That he'd never seen a three-year-old who understood adults' words like that. That the child would become a great actress when she grew up.
As expected of Kaho, the 'National Actress'...
...As that Producer (PD) said, as you know, Priest-nim, Miyagi became a great actress. She even stole my National Actress title, becoming an actress everyone in the nation knows now.
Every show she appears in is a smash hit, and last time she starred in a ten-million-viewer movie. There are even rumors that this year's Best Actress Award is hers for sure.
...Everyone who hears this story asks me the same thing as you, Priest-nim.
'What exactly is the problem?'
Isn't she a great daughter? What's wrong with overflowing talent? Since I'm a successful actress, isn't it natural for my daughter too? As expected of my daughter...
But I am Miyagi's mother.
The child I birthed in pain. The one most sensitive to her changes, the one who can notice them. Would I fear that child for no reason?
Her talent is outstanding? No, that doesn't explain it. There's something fundamentally twisted in that child's acting.
It's like... the soul of a famous actor possessed her or something. She hasn't even learned acting, yet she acts like a fully seasoned actress.
...I have no idea what I'm even saying right now.
Every time I talk about Miyagi, it turns out like this. I'm scared of that child... My daughter I birthed... It feels like she's been replaced by someone... I get terrified wondering what exactly I gave birth to...
...Yes? So the Confession is over?
No, Priest-nim.
I haven't even confessed my sins yet.
Yes? Isn't confessing the sin of not loving your daughter enough? Hahaha! Is that even a sin? Does a mother have to love her daughter no matter what? Even that monster-like child?
Just like not every parent in the world loves their child, I don't think hating that monster is a sin. Every family has its own circumstances, after all.
On the contrary, the sin I'm confessing is the story I'm about to tell.
So, Priest-nim, please hear my story to the end...
And mercifully consider the sin I committed.
...So, where should I start?
About two months ago? It was the day that child stayed over at our house after a long time. Due to her broadcasting schedule, she said she couldn't go anywhere else but my house.
I wanted to tell her to go book a hotel right away, but I couldn't because of the other actress who'd brought that monster over. That kid admired me.
She listed off all my movies and dramas one by one... How could I chase out that monster in front of such a pure child? Especially since, publicly, that monster is my daughter.
Well... Since I'd let her into the house anyway, I had no choice but to tell her to stay the night. The monster seemed to have some sense too—she went straight to her room when she arrived and didn't come out.
I also ignored the monster and stayed in my room without coming out. It was clearly my house, but just having that monster in it made it feel like someone else's home.
Ignoring the monster like that, I went to bed too. But it was uncomfortable, so I woke up early in the morning.
I felt uneasy about going out where the monster was, but my throat was dry, so I got up and headed to the kitchen. As I went to quench my thirst...
I heard a strange noise from the room where the monster was. Like groaning in pain... the voice of a monster who didn't know what to do with the agony.
At first, I planned to ignore it. Whether that monster was sick or not had nothing to do with me. So I just wanted to wet my throat and go back...
But for some reason, I was slowly moving my steps toward the monster's room. Slowly, carefully so the monster wouldn't notice.
Just how much pain was she in to groan like that all night...
If it was really urgent, should I call an ambulance? I peeked through the slightly open door at the scene inside the room.
Huhu, ahahat...!
Do you know what the monster was doing in there, Priest-nim? The monster I thought might be dying in pain from all the groaning...
Wasn't she twisting her body in pleasure, wetting her genitals, and masturbating? Without even knowing I was watching, she was busy stirring her genitals with wet fingers.
That monster masturbating...
The sight of her burying her face in the pillow, trying to stifle her moans without knowing I was watching—it was... terribly pitiful.
Strangely enough, the emotion I felt watching the monster masturbate wasn't the intense disgust I expected, but a sigh of relief.
Because the monster who'd only acted in front of me was now unable to hold back her lust and comforting herself. And in my house, not her own.
Ah, so even that monster is human after all... That thought brought relief. At least it wasn't some unknown monster that killed my daughter and wore her skin.
But somehow, wasn't her masturbation clumsy? Her fingers were just barely touching the labia minora, and she didn't even touch the clitoris, like she was scared of the pleasure.
It looked just like someone who'd never properly learned to masturbate until adulthood, fumbling alone for the first time.
Thinking that, strangely, I felt it was partly my responsibility too. Because I'd never given that monster proper sex education.
The moment that thought crossed my mind, it felt like this time I could turn the monster pretending to be human into a real 'human.'
I came up with a way to see the monster's true feelings, not her acting as my daughter in front of me. Huhu, want to know what it was?
...What do you think I did next, Priest-nim? Do you think I just watched the monster masturbate and went back to my room?
...No, I didn't leave the monster alone. Didn't I tell you? I felt like I could make that monster human.
I flung open the door to the monster's room and helped her relieve that lust.
...Yes? What do you mean? Exactly what I said. I helped the monster masturbate. On how to feel even more pleasure... how to reach climax...
I stirred the genitals of what used to be my daughter with my fingers, helping her reach climax. The sound of her ecstatic moans as she clung to me still echoes in my ears.
...Priest-nim, what are the seven deadly sins that humans must not commit?
Yes, as you say, pride, greed, envy, wrath... and so on. They are sins, but I think they're also the fundamentals that make a person.
Pride...? That monster hasn't shown pride so far. Even with the National Actress title, she always acts like the lowest staffer on set.
Greed...? The word that least suits that monster. She sends me all her money except the minimum for living expenses.
Envy... I've never seen that monster envy anyone. Probably because of her outstanding acting talent, she was busy attracting others' envy instead.
Wrath... As I told you, that monster's emotions are faint. She only acts out someone else's personality... She's never truly gotten angry.
Gluttony...? You see that slim figure—how could you say that? The word that least suits that monster.
Sloth... How could she have earned the National Actress title if she was slothful? It's because she's consistently put in the effort that the monster reached that position.
Lust...
Out of all the sins I listed, the only one that monster committed is 'lust.' Unable to overcome her desire, she comforted herself and sought pleasure.
It might sound strange to you, Priest-nim, but only after seeing that monster commit a sin...
Did that child start looking like my 'daughter' to me.
Really, it felt like I'd found my lost daughter again.
If that monster started envying others like normal people, having greed, becoming slothful, getting angry at me, and living sunk in sexual desire...
Wouldn't my daughter come back to my side?
Even if not, I felt like I could turn that monster back into my daughter.
Yes, I'm certain of it.
So Priest-nim...
Please forgive the sin of lusting after my daughter's body and indulging in it.