I Want to Quit
Attempt five. I want to quit. I want to stop. Arin sank into an endless whirlpool of thoughts.
The stream had settled into a routine, at least. It was steadily holding onto about ten or twenty viewers. But the growth had stalled. It didn't seem like it would drop further from here, but it didn't look like it would climb higher either.
How long do I have to keep doing this?
Maybe it had been a mistake from the start. She'd thought streamers looked cool, but she hadn't realized the grueling hardships and trials it took to reach that glamorous position.
She'd rather hear his command. If he told her, Why are you doing this nonsense? she could pretend she couldn't resist and give up.
"..."
Even that thought felt cowardly. It was proof that she couldn't even decide to quit on her own.
Everything felt meaningless. But she didn't want to quit by her own will either. It would mean admitting she was someone who couldn't do anything on her own—that the expensive illustrations and streaming setup had been a pointless luxury.
She dragged herself through the remaining stream time. By the end, hardly any viewers were left.
She wanted to see him. She wanted to shuffle into Se-in's room, flop onto the bed, and melt away her exhaustion.
...No, I can't.
She couldn't act spoiled. She had to be a positive force for him always. She couldn't show him her drained self after wasting energy on something pointless.
"Ugh..."
It hurt a little. Her body was perfectly fine otherwise. Even during her unemployed days, she'd been sturdy as an ox. It was just temporary fatigue. From overthinking, overusing her nerves and her brain.
She'd feel better lying down. As she lay on the bed and closed her eyes, she thought of him. It was shameless. If she really needed him, she could just go to him first. In the end, this was just her refusing to admit she was the type who resorted to borrowing his hand after doing something useless.
"Can I come in?"
"Y-Yeah! It's fine!"
Arin bolted upright and gazed at Se-in's warm face.
"Stream over?"
"Yeah, just wrapping up... Huh?!"
She thought she hadn't been caught. She figured she'd bluffed her way through. But he already knew everything.
"How... did you know?"
"Of course I knew. I could hear the noise every time I walked by your room."
She'd thought he'd be indifferent. That unless it was absolutely necessary, he wouldn't pay attention to her. But that wasn't true.
"You've seemed a bit down lately. Mind if we talk?"
It was too much. Overly kind, unreasonably warm. But Arin's self-control wasn't strong enough to refuse his touch.
He approached the bed.
/////
I watched Arin's dejected form with a faint smile. Her confident side was attractive, but this guilty puppy look she showed sometimes was irresistible. Even knowing it was no big deal, I wanted to scold her and watch her squirm.
"Streaming's not easy, huh?"
"It's not super hard... but it just doesn't feel like it's growing."
"Was it something you wanted to do?"
"...No."
Arin shyly shook her head. Slowly, she poured out all her feelings: getting caught with the character doll, her inferiority complex from not being able to do anything for me, the anguish of streaming, and her desire to quit.
"I'm such an idiot, right?"
She let out a hollow laugh, as if inviting me to mock her.
"I thought it looked cool."
"..."
After a long silence, Arin cautiously spoke up.
"Command me. Give me orders."
"Do as much as you want. Quit if it's boring, stop if it's too hard."
It might be harsh for her. I could tell from her eyes—she wanted me to decide. If I said, Don't give up, keep trying, she'd dive into streaming seriously. She had that much resolve. If I said, You've done enough—why not call it quits? she'd drop it without a second thought and return to our routine with a smile.
She knew I knew that. That's why she was asking me to choose.
"I love you."
A master could demand it. He might want her to keep going to fuck a famous streamer Arin. Or order her to quit pointless fantasies and just keep milking his cum.
But I couldn't choose.
"No commands, then. You have to decide for yourself."
"Ugh..."
"But I can help."
"Huh?"
Her slightly raised eyes were charming.
"Think slowly about why you wanted to do it in the first place."
Her effort was cool. But seeing her exhausted was heartbreaking. The choice was hers in the end. All I could do was support her.
"Why I wanted to do it at first..."
She pondered slowly. She wasn't dumb, even if a bit clumsy. Even without me saying anything, she'd have drawn the line herself. I just worried she'd suffer too much in the process.
"At first... I felt bad being a fan of other Vtubers, y'know? Like I was taking too much. I wanted to earn money openly, buy you gifts..."
"Yeah, yeah."
"And then, if I became more valuable, more famous... maybe you'd feel more fulfilled holding me."
I had to correct her thinking. She was an idiot. Her basic premise was off.
"Slaves can't work. You know that, right?"
Without that rule, people would buy slaves for labor instead of births. Sure, loopholes existed. Talented slaves helping businesses, or doing chores like moving rice sacks or paperwork at the owner's shop—common stuff.
"If you have to stream... well, adult streams do it mostly. You've heard."
"...Ah!"
"You know—owner's nominally the streamer, slaves as guests."
It was 'blind man's buff,' but not against the policy's intent. Sex slaves were for birthrates, so laws prevented them becoming labor machines ignoring work regs.
"Still, if you use your account openly... you get it?"
"Eeeeeeeeeek!!!"
Arin let out a massive scream.
"Th-then the 'slave girl' streamers on that site..."
"Might have separate owners, or no owner yet, or it's just a concept."
Selling to rich bosses was life-changing for average-looking girls too.
"What about... your gift? The birthday present I prepared... was gonna prepare?"
"Can't buy it with that account, at least. Too bad."
"Eek."
She collapsed hugging me. Lying on the bed, I felt the soft warmth of her breasts.
"What the... You were really doing something stupid."
"So what? You didn't know, couldn't help it."
"That's why... ugh!"
She shuddered, unable to bear the pity.
"Still... got it. Sorry."
"Why all of a sudden?"
"You can't stand seeing your girls suffer."
Arin knew me well.
"Set-a, me— if we're a little off, you panic like a real dad, doing everything you can."
Straddling me, she caressed my face endearingly.
"So you knew but didn't say, then came in when you couldn't hold back. 'Cause... I was struggling."
We couldn't lie to each other. Our thoughts were obvious. Similar upbringings. As I saw her as 'easy to read,' she saw me the same.
"...Sorry. I was wrong from the start. The one who likes me is you, the one I should look to is you. I got delusions of grandeur."
Surprisingly, she let go cleanly. Must've had regrets. If roles reversed, she'd want to prove her worth no matter what.
"But... still, I want to grow. Prove my value."
"Grow?"
Arin flashed a mischievous smile.
"Let's see. My job's sex slave, right? But our sex now... it's just lovers' sex, honestly?"
"True."
"Sex only a slave can do. Wanna brainstorm from now on?"
Her eyes brimmed with emotions: shyness, anticipation, acceptance, excitement. I didn't want to miss a single one.