Reunion (3)
Silence fell.
Lediche still could give no answer at all; she only wept.
Rhea, Ceria, and Claudia were holding their tears back, but inside they must have been crying too.
I was no different.
If anyone wanted to cry, I wanted to cry the most.
If it came down to who hurt the worst, wasn’t it me?
Rubiru is dead.
Baron Köln is dead as well, and every conscript and Rueshatia knight who had been my comrade is dead.
Among the people I know, the only ones left alive are you, Lediche, and Hummel.
When I first stepped onto the battlefield I lived for Rhea, Ceria, and Claudia—
When I killed and was nearly killed, I lived for the Baron who had taught me what honor meant.
And after I fled, I lived for Rubiru and for you, Lediche.
Yet you deceived me for years.
You three were so wretched you even slit your own wrists trying to die.
“… Ha.”
Then what the hell was I living for out there?
Rubiru wanted me to go home to my family and be happy.
Lediche, you said it yourself. You brought the letters. You told me you were happy.
How am I supposed to think about this?
How am I supposed to accept it?
Am I just supposed to swallow everything whole, telling myself there must have been reasons?
The day Rubiru died, I wanted to die too.
But my family was waiting. Everyone said they were happy.
Because you were at my side, Lediche, I endured even when it was hard, even when it was unbearable.
With you I felt happiness, and I believed Rhea, Ceria, and Claudia would feel that same happiness—
I lived believing that.
Just as you cherished me, I cherished you.
And this is the price?
“Answer me, Lediche.”
The words came out colder than I intended. Lediche flinched so hard she collapsed onto the cot behind her. She tried to push herself up again, hands braced against the mattress, but they shook so violently she could not rise and simply sank back down.
“… I-I—, I’m s-sorry, Ri-Riel—. Hic—, I n-never meant to d-deceive you—.”
If it wasn’t deception, then what was it?
I swallowed the words that tried to claw their way out and, without meaning to, looked at Rhea’s wrist.
A pure white line.
Across skin already pale, lines even whiter than the flesh itself ran thick and many.
Grief and fury tangled together; my grip tightened before I knew it. Pain must have flared in the wrist I held, because Rhea let out a short, sharp sound.
“… Nngh.”
She hid her hand from me. Then she drew several deep breaths, stared at me for a long, hesitant moment, and finally spoke.
“… It’s nothing you need to worry about. This… happened for personal reasons.”
What?
“… What the hell is there that I’m not supposed to worry about?!”
When I shot the question back, Rhea turned her eyes away. Her voice was small, yet every word was clear.
“… Claudia and Ceria became happy thanks to Lady Lediche. But… Riel, you already know. I’m just a slum orphan—. Ceria and Claudia are an abandoned orphan and a wolf-beastkin.”
What is that supposed to mean?
How hard did I work so you would never think that way…
“… If there’s a problem, it’s only that… we were lacking and couldn’t adapt. So Lady Lediche did nothing wrong.”
Rhea deliberately kept her face turned away.
Five years apart, and not a single small habit had changed.
I knew she was lying.
I could just tell by looking.
The face she wore when she said she loved me, the way she begged me not to leave her, the prayers—
The girl who once clung to me in grief looked nothing like the girl standing here now.
I understood at once that she might even hate Lediche—
and that the self-harm had never been about failing to adapt.
Beside Sister Flora’s gravestone there had been a cross left tilted, as if they could not bring themselves to drive it fully into the earth.
My name was carved on it.
They made it because they believed I was dead, and that belief is what tore them apart.
If the letters had truly been exchanged, there is no way they would not have known I was alive.
I know they would have tried to live happily, if only for my sake.
You never received a single letter, did you?
Lediche…
You suffered because of Lediche. That’s the truth, isn’t it?
Why lie to me?
“… Ceria. Claudia.”
Rhea forced her face blank so she would not cry, then reached out and touched the other two. Like fools, Claudia and Ceria nodded stiffly.
They spoke to me.
Words they clearly did not want to say, forced out one by one.
“… M-my tail—. It’s fluffy and pretty, right…? Th-there’s even someone who brushes it for me—. Just… because everyone’s apart. Sometimes I thr-throw little tantrums and fall a few times and get hurt—. Y-you used to fall and get hurt really bad too, Riel….”
“… At the convent we go help people poorer and more unfortunate than us—. Y-you know, right? How cruel people like us can be…. Th-that’s when I got hurt. Yeah. Really—.”
Believe that? It made no sense at all.
I looked at the two of them, intending to reason with them calmly, and instead I shouted.
“… Don’t lie to me!”
At that, Claudia forced a smile—exactly the same smile she used to wear—and came toward me.
“… L-lying…?!”
She took my hand and stroked it.
As carefully as if she were touching something infinitely precious.
She had always been light and thin, yet now she felt even thinner.
The tremor in her fingertips, the faint texture of her skin—sadness rose so sharply I almost choked on it.
Then, just as she always had, her tail curled around my body.
“… W-we’re…. r-really happy…. Hic—. S-so, hic—, so…. l-live happily with L-Lady Lediche. D-don’t worry about us….”
But the words were nothing like before.
She even said things I could not understand.
How am I supposed to live happily when you are hurting like this?
How am I supposed to simply walk away when you belittle yourselves and spit out the very words I hate most?
A cruel thought rose in me.
Looking at Rhea, Ceria, and Claudia—who hid their hearts from me and deliberately spoke words they knew would wound—I felt anger.
Perhaps greater anger than I felt toward Lediche, who had lied and told me you were happy.
“… Are you really happy?”
Are you?
I could not stop myself from asking.
If you are truly happy—if the only reason you have to lie while hurting this badly is because I came close—
then there is no need for me to stay.
“… It’s not a lie, is it? You’re saying those things because you want me to leave with Lediche. That’s it, right?”
Claudia’s tail, which had been wrapped around me without her noticing, loosened and fell away. She took several steps backward.
I walked straight toward Lediche, making sure they saw every step.
“If you’re really happy—. If Lediche truly did nothing wrong…. then I will never come back. You’re happy, after all. Everyone is happy—. There’s no reason for me to force my way in and tear open your hearts again. Right?”
The three of them gave no reaction.
Or rather, the shock was so great they simply could not react. That was closer to the truth.
The first to move, as if trying to stop me, was Lediche.
She half-fell from the cot, seized my hand, and called my name.
“… Ri-Riel—!”
“Stay still, Lediche.”
I paid her no mind.
“… Last chance. Are you really happy?”
At the word “last,” every one of them looked at me.
Rhea’s lips trembled. Ceria braced herself against the wall, trying to hide the way her legs shook. Claudia hugged her own tail and swallowed her tears.
“… Yes. We’re happy.”
In the end, the only words that left her mouth were those.
Rhea could not even force a smile. The corner of her mouth twisted downward as if she were already weeping.
Ceria and Claudia looked no better.
They looked more broken than the day I returned to the church after killing Loren—more broken even than when they told me they wished I had died in Sister Flora’s place.
“….”
My lips would not open.
I took the fallen Lediche’s hand and hauled her upright. I wrapped an arm around her unsteady waist and let her lean against me so she could walk.
“… Ri-Riel—, w-wait—.”
“We’re leaving, Lediche.”
I opened the bedroom door and stepped out.
After three paces I stopped for no good reason, picked up the first thing I saw, and hurled it.
A plate shattered with a sharp crash—
and because of that sound I lingered a little longer inside the church.
I wanted them to stop me.
This was never a bond that should end like this.
I know you waited for me.
I remember how you sobbed when you first saw me, how you said you loved me, how you said you had prayed for me.
I came back alive.
If you truly want me to live with Lediche, I will. If this is what makes you happy, I will accept it.
But there is no need to hurt me on purpose… and no need to hide that you yourselves are hurting.
There is no need to wish for me to leave.
Thud—.
I took one step and exhaled a breath thick with grief.
Thud—.
I took a second step and, absurdly, straightened my clothes.
Thud—.
I took a third step and looked into the room that had once been Sister Flora’s.
Thud—.
On the fourth step my knees gave out and I sank to the floor.
“… Because of you I hesitated to come back—. Because of you I looked forward to coming home—. Because of you I managed to keep fighting on that battlefield…. Do you really want me to leave? Is that why you’re feeding me these transparent lies?”
I muttered the words deliberately loud enough to be heard, almost pleading.
Only sobbing answered me. No one came to hold me back.
If it hurts that much, all you have to do is grab me.
Tick—, tock—, tick—, tock—.
The second hand of a clock marked the silence.
After a long wait I rose and walked again.
I deliberately knelt before the stake that marked Sister Flora’s resting place, offered a prayer, then stared at the closed front door.
I climbed into the carriage.
I should have taken the reins myself, but I had no desire to.
I waited a long time in front of the church until Lediche brought a coachman. Only then did I leave the place that had once been dear—
no, the place that now only hurt.
“… Why did you lie?”
When I asked in a hollow voice, Lediche answered through tears.
“For Riel….”
I could not bear to hear the rest and cut her off.
“… I’m grateful for the thought, at least.”
I glanced at the ring she had given me, slipped it from my finger, and pressed it into her hand.
“Ri-Riel…?”
“… When I think about it, my original dream was to be an adventurer. I’m just a slum rat who can’t even protect the people right beside him. A knight’s title never suited me.”
“… W-what are you saying? Ri-Riel, you s-saved me too—.”
“… Not me. Rubiru saved you.”
“W-wait. Please? I-I can explain everything, I swear. J-just calm down a little….”
“… It’s not as if we’ll never see each other again. I just… need time. Please understand, Lediche.”
“D-don’t do this, okay? H-hate me, curse me all you want. J-just stay somewhere I can see you…. Ri-Riel…. n-needs to be—.”
Lediche tried desperately to push the ring back onto my finger, but I only accepted it and never put it on. I dropped it carelessly into the bag that sat on the carriage floor beside her.
She swallowed hard, then threw her arms around me.
“… I was going to tell you everything—. W-when the time was right I was going to say it. P-please—. Listen to me, Riel—, please?”
Lediche showed no sign of letting go. I was different.
At least for now.
I peeled her hands away and gently pushed her down onto the seat.
“… I’ll attend the banquet. If my achievements are needed, or if there is anything that requires me, I will come help Rueshatia. Baron Köln asked me to protect you, so if anything threatens you I will risk my life to keep you safe.”
So.
“… That’s enough. I think it’s better we part ways here.”
Lediche froze as if turned to ice.
Her hands did not tremble. Her breathing did not even quicken.
“… I am deeply indebted to you for everything on the battlefield, Lady Lediche. Until we meet again, please take care of yourself.”
I gathered the sword and dagger Cronian and Laika had given me.
The carriage was already moving, but I had no intention of staying. I flung the door open.
At that moment Lediche seized me once more.
“… D-don’t speak so formally. I-I won’t either. Riel, please? I-it feels like you’re looking at a stranger…. I-I’ll atone. Y-you saved me…. You always saved me…. I was wrong, p-please—.”
I reached out, pried her fingers free, and sat her firmly back down.
“… Young Lady, you should not treat a mere commoner with such familiarity.”
“… C-commoner? I-it’s Riel—. Y-you’re not a commoner!”
Her cry made something surge up inside my chest.
I think the same thing.
Not Young Lady—just Lediche.
Even after Rhea, Ceria, and Claudia lied and said they wanted me to leave, even after they deliberately spoke only the words that would cut me deepest…
I still cannot hate them. The pain remains just as sharp.
Even though you deceived me, Lediche, you are still precious to me.
But it hurts too much.
It is too hard.
I am exhausted.
If we stay together any longer, I am afraid that preciousness itself will disappear.
That is how it feels.
Please…
“… Don’t make this any harder for me, Lediche.”
I spoke the words briefly and leapt from the carriage.
“Ri-Riel—!”
Her voice reached me, but I did not look back.
I am simply tired.
I brushed the pendant hanging at my throat.
I could not keep Rubiru’s final wish.
I could not keep Sister Flora’s either.
Perhaps I will fail Baron Köln’s as well.
What am I supposed to do now?
I truly do not know.
I walked by the light of the moon.
For a moment I considered vanishing completely, simply leaving for somewhere far away…
But for the comrades who died, for Baron Köln, and for Hummel who fought beside me to the very end, I had to attend the banquet.
I could not let their sacrifices be meaningless.
“… The sword. He said to return it when I came back.”
Cronian’s face rose unbidden in my mind.
The guild.
I asked for the way to Bilua Village and began walking toward it.