Farewell (2)

I waited for Riel.

I waited for so long.

When Rhea came back claiming she would earn money, we were fools who never even stepped outside, were we? Even though Riel had told us to rest because we were crying and hurting, we still ran out yelling at the top of our lungs. Maybe, deep down, the things Rhea used to say about “girls” and all that when we were little still lingered somewhere inside us.

The moment Rhea returned, she started looking for you, Riel. She kept calling your name over and over, so Claudia and I thought you had come back with her and stayed inside the room for ages. But something felt wrong.

Rhea was crying. She cried so heartbrokenly it tore at us. Thinking the two of you must have fought, we giggled like idiots and went out to see.

“… Riel, Riel—did you see him? Did you?”

Her eyes were ringed with dark blue bruises, and across the bare skin that showed, ugly red lines had been carved deep. Just like the last time we saw Sister Flora, Rhea looked the same.

“… He… he’s here, r-right…? Riel’s here, isn’t he…?”

Yet as if the pain meant nothing, Rhea just kept crying like a fool and asking us. Where was Riel? Had he come back? Had we seen him?

“… Rh-Rhea. Wh-what happened?”

“Th-there are so many w-wounds…!”

We might have resented Rhea, but that was only ever when you were still with us, Riel. We never wanted her to get hurt like this. She was so badly injured that we ran for bandages to wrap her up.

“… It’s my f-fault—. M-me….”

Rhea sobbed and then tore at her own flesh. She clawed at the wounds with her nails as if she wanted them to open wider. Even with scraps of skin jammed under her fingernails she would not stop; she beat her own body while she cried.

Blood sprayed. It splattered across Claudia’s tail and onto my cross. It was hotter than I expected, and more nauseating than I expected.

“Kyaaaah—! Rh-Rheaaa—!”

Claudia screamed and grabbed her wrists. I was so startled I threw my arms around Rhea and held her tight. Even then she just kept crying and babbling nonsense. She never managed to tell us anything clearly—only that you would never come back.

How were we supposed to believe that? We soothed her, bandaged the wounds, and laid her on the bed in Sister Flora’s old room—the place where I used to pray—because it was still the softest bed we had.

“… Why wouldn’t Riel come back? When he returns, Rhea will be all right too. Claudia.”

We had promised, after all. To protect one another for life. To never let anyone else come between us. You had never once broken a promise, Riel.

Tick. Tock.

I stared at the clock and waited. At some point Claudia started truly weeping that you might never return. She stopped eating, stopped sleeping, never even combed the knots from her tail. Like a broken doll she just sat there, crying one moment and smiling the next.

“R-Riel…. He’s coming…. He s-said he’d brush my tail for me…. He will come….”

From a certain point resentment began to grow. I had prayed over and over. We had waited for days. Whenever Rhea woke she would cut herself until she collapsed, then cling to us sobbing apologies until she blacked out again. Claudia would crawl into your bed and cry for hours, only coming out briefly to care for Rhea before disappearing back inside.

Where on earth were you? Why did you leave us behind? You said you would protect us forever. You said we would live only among ourselves.

Why? Where did you go? For what reason? Why was Rhea hurt so badly? Why did you say you would go find her and then never come back? Why did you tell us nothing?

At first I only felt sorry for Rhea. She was hurt. Someone had beaten her half to death.

But now I hated her. She knew something about you, Riel, and still would not speak. She suffered alone, cut herself alone, struggled alone.

I know it is not her fault. I know she keeps her mouth shut because she is afraid we will hurt even more. And yet the thought that you are not coming back because of something connected to Rhea makes me hate her so fiercely I could go mad.

A week passed. Now it has already been ten days. We had never been apart longer than a single day. Ten times that long has already gone by.

I resented you. If you were going to leave, you should have taken us with you. Or at least told us you hated us.

The more I resented you, the more I had to admit we had been abandoned. Just as our parents had abandoned us, you had abandoned us too. I started inventing the story that you had left Rhea to be beaten and then run away.

I had given up. I truly believed you had thrown us away.

“… Kids!”

That familiar voice. The voice I had wanted to hear more than anything in the world.

Is it really you, Riel? Wearing clean clothes, face washed and neat. While we were dying, while Rhea was cutting herself, while Claudia was losing all her color—you come back looking as if you spent the whole time somewhere comfortable. Are you really Riel?

I wonder.

“… Why did you come back?”

I hate you. I truly hate you. You are bad. Bad.

Not the playful “you’re bad” we used to say every day. This time I mean it. If you were living so well, you could have come back sooner.

“… Huh?”

The hand gripping my cross hurts. Claudia’s tail looks ready to be cut off. Why are you making that pained face when you have been perfectly fine?

I do not understand.

The ones who hurt the most… are us. Rhea, me, Claudia.

“… Why did you come back—!”

Resentment and rage. Ceria’s hand shook around the cross as she shouted at me. Her voice was filled with everything except welcome.

“… Why did you come back—!”

She was asking me why I had returned.

“… Riel, I hate you…. Hic—, I hate it—. You left Rhea and Ceria and Claudia behind…. Where did you go and what were you doing—!”

Claudia kept her head bowed low, avoiding my eyes as she sobbed. Her tangled tail no longer swayed the way it used to when she looked at me only days ago.

“… Wh-why is everyone like this? I-it’s me. Riel.”

When I took one step closer, Ceria flinched and backed away. My heart did not merely sink—it began to thrash wildly.

I could not understand their reactions. Why ask why I came back? Where else was I supposed to return to…?

“… Ceria, th-there’s some misunderstanding—”

I took another step.

“Don’t come near me! Don’t you dare come any closer—!”

Ceria waved her arms and screamed. Thick tears welled in her eyes and fell, plop, plop, down her cheeks. These were not tears of joy at seeing someone she had missed for so long. They were tears soaked in betrayal and fury.

“… Why… only now? Do you have any idea… how ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠we… how we lived…. How hard it was for us—!”

“Th-there was a reason. R-really…!”

“… What reason? What could possibly make you leave Rhea alone for more than ten days—!”

Ceria tried to spit more accusations, but she seemed unable to breathe; she bit down hard on her lip. Her legs gave out and she slid down against the wall, then began to rock as if hyperventilating.

I wanted to hold her. I wanted to calm her even a little.

But every time I tried to approach, Ceria curled herself tighter against the wall even though there was nowhere left to retreat—as if she did not want me near her at all.

“… Rhea… sh-she cut herself—. Riel, she said you weren’t c-coming back! She cried and cut her own body—!”

Claudia was the same. Her tail had become a ragged mess; her wolf-kin ears drooped. What showed on her face was not affection but a trembling mix of rage and betrayal.

“Claudia doesn’t like Riel anymore. I hate you. I really hate you. You said you’d take care of us. You said you’d protect us…. You made promises and then abandoned us. You came back wearing nice clothes, eating nice things…. And then you just say ‘it’s me’…. How are we supposed to accept that…?”

Their sharp words and sobbing choked me. Excuses rose all the way to my throat and hovered on the tip of my tongue.

I almost got executed. I smashed my head against the prison wall over and over. I wanted to see you one last time, even if only in my imagination.

Even when I woke up in the Rueshatia barony, I thought only of you. Even when I was told I had to go to war, all I wanted was to see your faces. If I had come back looking the way I did in that cell, would you have tried to understand me?

I wanted to speak. I wanted to shout.

But in the end I only shook my head. Rhea had gone to the slums for my sake. She had killed Loren. And now I was leaving for the battlefield. If I told them everything I had endured just to clear up the misunderstanding, it would only wound them deeper.

Maybe it was better to simply be the villain. Better that they hate me and resent me so they could learn to live without me.

I had wanted to spend the three days I had left preparing a happy farewell. Ceria and Claudia no longer seemed capable of even imagining such a thing.

“… I’m sorry.”

My wretched lips forced out a hollow apology. An apology was the same as admitting guilt. The same as admitting I was the bad one.

Tick. Tock.

The second hand of the clock echoed. Between Ceria’s ragged hyperventilating breaths came Claudia’s quiet sobs.

“… If it was going to be like this….”

Through it all, Ceria’s rough voice cut in. The sound of Rhea’s breathing—still unconscious from repeated self-harm—spread through the room.

“… Riel… it would have been better if… if Sister Flora were still alive instead of you.”

Beeeeeep—!

A high ringing filled my ears. Only moments ago I had decided it was better to remain the villain, yet the words slipped out of me before I could stop them.

“… Really?”

Claudia clapped both hands over her mouth. I saw her pupils tremble. Ceria, realizing what she had just said, stared at me.

Don’t you know even a little of how I have lived? Aren’t you not supposed to say something like that to me? You know how hard I tried for years to take Sister Flora’s place.

Don’t ask. Riel, don’t speak. You must not ask.

The thought lasted only an instant before it scattered into empty air. Without meaning to, I dragged out the words that hurt too much even to speak.

“… Did you really wish I had died in Sister Flora’s place?”

A long silence fell. The ticking of the second hand sounded as loud as a hammer striking. For a moment I stood there dazed, as if that hammer had just smashed into my skull.

I tried to understand. Rhea had been cutting herself. I had nearly been executed. I had come the moment I woke in Rueshatia Territory, but none of them knew that. Ceria and Claudia had no idea what my situation had been.

My hands shook. My legs nearly gave out; I forced them to hold. Cold sweat ran down my back. My eyes would not focus.

Still, I tried not to show it. They all depend on me… that is why they are like this. Right?

“… I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.”

Even if the two of them hated me, I still loved them. After standing there blankly for a long time, I simply walked toward them. Even when Ceria and Claudia looked up at me with tear-filled, helpless eyes, I kept walking.

I reached out and pulled them both into my arms. I stroked their hair and patted their backs. Just as I always had, I held them tightly and shared my warmth.

Because they hated me, because they ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠resented me, they had said Sister Flora would have been better. Of course I had expected them to hate me.

“… Hic—, hhk—.”

“… I’m sorry… Riel, I-I’m sorry—.”

They clung to me and sobbed and sobbed. I hated hearing them apologize. It sounded too much like they were admitting they had truly wished I had died in her place.

“… Don’t apologize.”

I said it, yet Ceria and Claudia kept apologizing.

“I’m sorry—, for thinking that, I’m sorry….”

“… Riel, hic—, I was wrong, I’m sorry—.”

Loving me had been a real feeling. Hating and resenting me had also been a real feeling. A relationship once filled only with love had turned into love-hate.

I still loved every one of them. But for Ceria and Claudia it must have been different. Perhaps even for Rhea.

“… Let’s eat something. Wait here.”

I could not stand to hear any more apologies. I wished they would just tell me it had been a joke. The way they covered their mouths, the way ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠they cried, the way they sobbed—everything felt like proof that the words they had spoken were sincere, and it drained every last bit of strength from me.

So I went outside, cleaned the church, and cooked stew for everyone. I set aside a separate pot that I had simmered longer and softer so Rhea could eat it easily when she woke. I carried bowls to the two who were nursing her, then cleaned the room and laid out bedding beside Rhea’s bed so I could sleep there.

“… R-Riel.”

“… About earlier—. Th-that wasn’t….”

They came to apologize again, but I simply shook my head.

“… It’s fine. More importantly, let’s do the things we always do. We haven’t done them for days.”

Instead I picked up scissors and cut the matted fur from Claudia’s tail, then took a comb and carefully brushed it smooth. Together with Ceria I went to the empty places and offered prayers. I had expected them to refuse, yet because it was what we had always done, they followed me without complaint.

After that I walked outside. I had not prayed at Sister Flora’s grave for a long time either.

“… Where are you going?”

After pouring out so much emotion, her tone was different from the beginning. Perhaps she was already grieving the terrible words she had spoken. I did not look back. I would see them again when it was time to sleep, after all.

“I’m going to pray to Sister Flora.”

“… Okay.”

Once Ceria had gone back inside, I slowly cleared the snow from the grave and sat down in front of it, thinking of Sister Flora.

If Sister Flora were still alive, none of this would have happened. We might have been a little poorer, but the place would have been filled with more love. The thought made the corner of my mouth twitch.

“… Heh.”

I laughed. Simply because it felt like I should.

“… Hic—.”

I was laughing. A little deeper. A little darker.

“… Ugh—, kkh—. Hnnngh—.”

Maybe I laughed too hard; heat flooded my eyes and tears fell before I could stop them, soaking the grave. Sobs tore their way out between my clenched teeth, scraping my throat raw until I could barely breathe.

I pressed my forehead against the grave and shook my shoulders. I missed Sister Flora so much. I wanted comfort.

But the only thing that fell on my back was snow. Nothing but cold, piercing chill.

“… It shouldn’t have been me—. Sister Flora should have been the one who lived—.”

I stared at the cross we had all carved together, at the name “Flora” written there, and exhaled. The words that it would have been better if I had died and she had lived would not leave me.

“… Hic—, hah—, kkh, kkuuh—.”

I could not stop the tears. My chest felt crushed. Something beyond ordinary pain was tearing through my body.

Night settled in. As always, we lay down together in the same space. I had hoped Rhea would wake, but she did not.

Everyone seemed to be asleep. Ceria, Claudia, Rhea.

I sat up and looked at them, and without meaning to I smiled. They had hurt me, yet they were still the childhood friends I loved with foolish stubbornness.

“… I’m sorry, Rhea.”

I went to her side, stroked her cheek, and pressed a brief kiss to the forehead of the girl who still would not wake. Then I rose.

Rustle. Rustle.

I slipped quietly out of the room and wrote letters in the living room. One for Rhea, one for Claudia, one for Ceria. I did not write anything grand.

“… That’s the end of it.”

I had been given three days, yet I suddenly felt it would be better to leave even one day sooner.

Someone who could not even send them properly to the academy was not good enough. Being adopted into the fine family Baron Rueshatia had arranged for them, growing up with patronage money in a comfortable environment—that would make them far happier.

I took one last look at the church. I took one last look at the place where I had lived with Sister Flora, and one last look at all of them.

The guild members sometimes carried magical images that looked like photographs. We had nothing of the sort. So I picked up the drawing that hung in the confessional.

It was from when we were about eleven. Sister Flora in the center, me and the others lined up on either side. A precious picture that held every one of our memories.

I carefully folded the drawing and slipped it into my inner pocket. Then I forced my reluctant feet to move and walked out of the church. It was not yet the hour Cronian was supposed to wait for me, so I headed for the guild.

“… Rookie.”

“… Master, thank you. And… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be…. Just… come back safe. Don’t die…. N-no—come back healthy….”

Laika looked at me, then whipped her head away and cried a little. The remaining guild members watched me with much the same expression. When I approached Cronian, he asked if I was leaving now. I nodded.

“… Here. Take this.”

Cronian handed me the sword he himself had used.

“I was going to offer it as a bribe to Baron Rueshatia. He told me to just give it to you instead. It’s no legendary blade, but it’s good work. So use it well and bring it back. You hear me? You must.”

“… Thank you, Cronian.”

I knew what it meant for an adventurer to hand over his own weapon, so I did not refuse.

“Riel, take mine too.”

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

Just as I was about to leave, Laika came running out late and pressed a dagger into my hand—the one she always carried.

I set out for Rueshatia Territory.