Favoritism (1)
My head hurt so badly.
It wasn't as if I'd never been beaten or injured before—far from it—but this pain was something else entirely. If I stayed still, blood kept seeping from my forehead, forcing me to press a handkerchief tightly against it.
They'd said it needed stitches. When I heard how much that would cost, I decided to leave it alone and hope it would close on its own. One gold coin had come from Laika's kindness; the other was the bounty for the goblin subjugation.
Laika had told me subjugations didn't come every day, so I should drop by now and then. If there was work, she'd give it to me. I'd thought that if I worked every day I'd get rich quick—at least enough to send them to the Academy—but it didn't take long to realize I couldn't hand out two gold coins to everyone every single day. I couldn't quit the grueling odd jobs in the village, but at least I could rest for a few days.
"So? How was it—killing something for the first time?"
On the way back, as the sun sank low, Laika asked me. By all rights I should have felt revulsion, yet I felt no great unease or trembling. It hadn't been about killing so much as a struggle to survive. And more than anything else—
"…Do I really need to feel anything about it?"
Rhea, Ceria, Claudia. Getting those three into the Academy, watching them grow up pretty and achieve their dreams—that had long since become the purpose of my life. So instead of guilt, I was filled with hope. All I wanted was to have talent enough for them.
"Yeah, fair enough. Where's your place? I'll take you."
Laika offered, but I didn't want to say I lived at the church. If she knew about Sister Flora, she might think of us as heretics. I just gave a light farewell and climbed down from the horse. It was my first time dismounting; I nearly toppled over, but Laika caught me before I fell.
In the end she had to lift me down herself. I was still that small. I tried to unfasten the dagger at my waist and return it, but—
"Keep it. First subjugation. It's a gift."
Laika said it shortly, then headed back toward the slums with the rest of the guild members from the village entrance. Soon blood began dripping again, soaking the hem of my clothes. I knew it needed stitches, yet I just kicked at the nearby piles of sand.
"There."
There were ants. I emptied every silver coin from the coin pouch into my pocket, then filled the pouch with dirt. Straightaway I headed into the forest and peered at my reflection in the river where I always washed.
The upper right side of my forehead was split in a clean line. Blood dripped into the water, so I gritted my teeth against the sting and dunked my forehead under. After that I wiped the blood with the already-reddened hem of my clothes and brought an ant to the wound. Their bite was incredibly strong; back when we had no money and something tore open badly, Sister Flora had always treated us this way. Folk medicine, but a way to stitch without coin.
Snap!
It was a small sound, yet it rang loud in my ears. Once the ant bit down on the wound, I snipped off its head and left the jaws locked in place. Watching the ant's body twitch for a little while even after its neck went crack felt sadder than killing the monster had.
I couldn't spare them, so I repeated it about ten times. No more blood flowed from the wound. The fact that my hair hid it well was a small mercy, if anything.
Afraid the emergency treatment might reopen, I only soaked my body to wash off the goblin blood. To get as much of the red out of my clothes as possible I wrung them again and again, rubbed them with dirt, and washed them until I almost hoped they'd turn black instead. I emptied the dirt from the coin pouch and washed that clean too.
I put on dry clothes and filled the pouch with the gold and silver. Then I stopped by the village. Not the people who had persecuted us—I sought out those like Mister Flint who had treated us without prejudice.
I wanted to feed them proper food. I wanted to dress them in pretty clothes. I wanted them to smile from sheer happiness instead of fighting and fretting.
I bought meat. Modest as it was, I bought two changes of clothes each. Then I waddled back to the church and gave the gifts to Claudia, Ceria, and Rhea.
"Where did you get the money…? D-did you go there?"
Rhea looked at me, eyes full of anxiety. I had gone to the slums, true, but I hadn't done anything illegal, so I answered with a faint smile.
"No. So don't worry."
Rhea still looked uneasy, yet she didn't press further. She knew I had bought these things for Claudia, Ceria, and herself.
"R-Riel. I-is this my dress?"
"Yeah. Why? Don't you like it…?"
"N-nooo—! I-it's just too pretty! Thank you, Riel. Really, th-thank you—!"
Claudia kept thanking me so excessively it almost felt like she was teasing, then, like a fool, she grew so happy she started to cry a little. I still hadn't heard Ceria's reaction, but Claudia looked so pitiful that I went to her the way I always did and gave her a light hug. Stroking her hair, I said,
"It's a good day. Why are you crying?"
"…Because I like Riel so much, and Cl-Claudia can't do anything for you. I-I'm sorry, th-that's why…."
"It's fine. Just seeing Claudia smile makes me happy."
"R-really…?"
"Yeah."
Claudia's tail swayed. Somehow the sway looked unnatural—jerky, stop-and-start. It looked more sad than pleased. Noticing my gaze, she hugged her own tail and backed away from me.
"I'm ugly, crying like th-this right now. I-I'll come back when I stop."
"You're plenty pretty. Why?"
"Be-because Claudia's going to be Riel's bride. I only want to show you my pretty side."
With that she clutched the clothes tightly and went into the bedroom. It was an innocent remark, yet the fallout was considerable.
Without meaning to, I checked Rhea's and Ceria's expressions. Rhea looked unmistakably displeased; Ceria did too, though she also seemed to be waiting for something from me.
"…Ceria, you don't like it?"
"…."
When I asked, Ceria whipped her head away.
"I like it."
"Then why are you sulking like that? I want to see Ceria smile."
"…Because Riel only plays favorites with Claudia."
"…Favorites?"
"…You only said Claudia was pretty. You gave her the clothes first, too. You only look at Claudia and smile. If it goes like that… the promise breaks. It isn't equal. It's the same as Riel only taking care of other people!"
"…I'm sorry, Ceria. I didn't think you'd see it that way."
"…I-I told you last tiiime—."
Ceria stood still for a long while, then shook her head hard. After that she carefully came closer and hugged me tightly, the way one hugs a doll. She didn't let go for a long time. Only after she had calmed did she speak.
"…Sister said so. If you answer kindness with tears, that's a bad thing. You remember too, right? When Sister fixed Claudia's teddy bear and she cried saying thank you, Sister just asked her to smile instead."
"…Yeah, I remember."
"You should have scolded her. What are you going to do if you spoil every bit of her whining?"
"Okay. I'll do that from now on. So, Ceria, cheer up. Hmm? I went all that way for you, you know."
"…Really?"
"Yeah. I bought every single one of the clothes at different shops."
"…I'll forgive you just this once. I'm going to pray later, so you have to come then too. Got it?"
"Got it. Go on in and try them on."
Ceria started to leave, then stopped short.
"Thank you…. Riel…."
She shyly waved and thanked me. Claudia went to the bedroom; Ceria headed for Sister Flora's room. That left only Rhea and me in the largest confessional—now our living room.
"…Riel."
Rhea had watched how much I earned. She had seen how much clothes like these cost. She seemed to realize these were the very dresses she had sometimes eyed, the ones she had said would look pretty on Ceria or Claudia.
"Be honest with me. Did you go to the slums?"
From beginning to end, Rhea never smiled at the me who had come home. Clothes or no clothes, she looked only at me, as if nothing else mattered. I pulled the fretting, tearful Rhea into a tight hug. No one else was there, so I felt no hesitation.
"…Something like that, but no. It's different."
"How can something be like that and not be that, for heaven's sake…."
"…Liking Rhea and liking the other kids are different things, aren't they?"
I felt Rhea's body heat. Mine must have felt the same to her. I could hear the heartbeat where our worries met, and even while she held me, Rhea's breath—still full of worry—brushed my ear.
"…Don't worry. It really isn't anything bad. It's something I should be praised for, actually."
"Then why won't you tell me…."
"…Because you'll worry, Rhea."
"I won't worry."
"Honestly, I'm a little embarrassed too."
"About what now!"
"…Later. I'll tell you later. Not anyone else. I'll tell Rhea first."
Rhea clutched the hem of my clothes hard and sniffled several times. Then she took my hand and pulled me toward the kitchen.
"…The meat—you eat first, Riel. You always give everything to us. If you're not going to tell me, then at least do that."
Whatever it was, we boiled it into stew. There was more water than ingredients. Once again, it was stew.
The only difference was that there was meat in it this time. It was still bland and not particularly delicious, yet to me it tasted sweet. Under Rhea's gaze I slowly scooped and drank, chewed the solids, and swallowed.
"…I'm sorry we don't know how to do anything. We just dump everything on you, Riel."
Once again I couldn't stop Rhea from apologizing. It made me so sad that I took her hand.
"I promised, didn't I? That I'd protect you for the rest of my life. So it's okay."
"B-but…."
"…I don't want to make the person I'm going to marry cry, Rhea."
At my words Rhea hiccuped, holding back sobs. Afraid that if I cried she would cry too, I forced a smile and held my own tears in.
"…Okay."
Only after I saw Rhea manage a nod did I stroke her hair. I went to Ceria and offered prayers with her, then went to Claudia and brushed her tail early.
Nothing particularly unusual happened—aside from the fact that everyone seemed happy, and that Claudia looked ready to cry every time her eyes met mine. When night grew deep we tried to sleep together, but the moment I lay down my forehead hurt too much. Using the excuse that I had something to think about, I stepped outside.
I sat in front of Sister Flora's grave. I simply stared blankly at the tombstone. For some reason it looked as if a light had come on in the bedroom.
When Riel went outside, Claudia got up. Then she immediately lit the lamp. She must have been crying for a long time; the rims of her eyes were red. Because they shared a single blanket, the moment Claudia rose the other girls had no choice but to wake as well.
"…You're all mean."
When no one answered, Claudia grabbed the blanket and shook it up and down. Dust flew and a breeze scattered Ceria's and Rhea's hair.
"You're all mean, mean, meeean—!"
"What is it this time!"
When Rhea sat up, Claudia's eyes were still red. Tears fell—drip, drip—.
"Riel got hurt. He smells like blood. How can any of you act all sulky toward him?"
"Smell of blood?"
At those words even Ceria, who had been lying down, sat up.
"…What are you talking about, Claudia."
"…I-I'm… a w-wolf-beastkin, you know—. Every day I knew Riel was coming back from places that stank, and I knew the coins Sister used for donations already smelled like Riel—. I knew Riel was working so hard—. And yet, and yeeet, Rhea just treats Riel like an idiot every day and only scolds him. Ceria just keeps making tired Riel pray with her every day! You're all mean, so meeean—. What we're supposed to do is welcome Riel and love him—. Why do you all only pick on him! Why do you only make it hard for the Riel who came back…."
Claudia raised her voice. Or rather, she made just enough noise that Riel, who had gone outside the church, wouldn't hear. As a wolf-beastkin she had known about Riel's hardships ever since Sister Flora was alive, so her words were fair enough.
From Ceria's and Rhea's point of view, even if they accepted everything else, they could not agree that they "picked on Riel." That would be the same as betraying their own hearts. More than anything, to Rhea and Ceria these days Claudia only looked like a girl throwing tantrums—insisting she would marry Riel, trying to monopolize the kind Riel who was gentle to everyone, nothing but a bad little wolf-beastkin. That made it even harder to accept.
"What do you know…!"
Just as the flaring Rhea was about to shout that Claudia knew nothing of her heart, Riel—who had seen the light come on—walked in. Everyone looked at him as if they had been caught at something, then wordlessly lay down on the bed.
"…You're all awake. I… think I'll sleep in Sister Flora's room tonight."
After Riel said that and left, the room abruptly fell quiet. The three of them lay without speaking and drifted off. Because Riel had come back inside the church, they were afraid another fight would be overheard. That was how they fell asleep—and when they woke,
"H-hwaaang, hwaaaaaang—."
One of the two sets of clothes Riel had given Claudia had been ripped to shreds. The wolf-beastkin girl sobbed as if the world were ending.