44. My Buff is a Drug
44. My Buff is a Drug
"So you... remember."
A faint smile, so subtle you'd miss it if you weren't looking closely, settled on Na Hee-yeon's face.
Damn. Should've told her sooner. Slipped my mind.
Feeling a small pang of guilt, Hye-yong hesitated before speaking.
"Sorry. Should've told you way earlier."
"Mm. It's okay. You told me now. That's what matters."
A short silence.
With an exaggerated eitcha, Hee-yeon rose to her feet and then sat down right beside Hye-yong.
The boulder he'd dragged over to serve as a night-watch seat suddenly felt a fair bit smaller.
Feeling Hee-yeon's arm brush against his, Hye-yong glanced at his wristwatch.
4:05 AM.
She should've hit the sack ages ago, but here was Na Hee-yeon, right next to him.
Pressed up against his side.
Wait. Is this...?
Before Hye-yong's thoughts could fully form, Hee-yeon spoke first.
"So hey. What'd you do after that?"
"Af-after that? What do you mean?"
"You know. When Ha-yoon suddenly knocked on the door and left you there all alone... what'd you do?"
Well, obviously he'd been crying a river on the inside...
He figured that went without saying, but whatever came next was going to count.
What now?
He agonized for dozens of beats — own up to it confidently, or play dumb?
Hye-yong dragged it out, so Na Hee-yeon asked again.
"Alone... did you do it?"
She was seated beside him, and to look at his face she'd ducked down like someone trying to soothe a little kid, tilting her head to peer up at him.
Hye-yong met Hee-yeon's eyes exactly once, then couldn't hold that steady, searching gaze and turned his head away.
Hye-yong still wasn't used to receiving the undivided, sticky-sweet attention of a pretty girl.
But he couldn't just leave her hanging forever.
"...Yeah."
"Thinking of me?"
"Who the hell else would I be thinking of. In that situation."
"Heh. How many times did you do it?"
She wanted that detail too?
The side dish was so good I polished off two bowls, but still...
In a situation like this, what was there to hide from Na Hee-yeon?
Might as well just lay it bare.
"Twice."
"And up until now, total number of times you've jerked off thinking of me?"
"Nine times."
His face burned with heat.
Hearing all this, what was going through Na Hee-yeon's mind?
That it's disgusting? That he's a total horndog?
Well, the horndog part she probably knew from the very first time we met...
Hye-yong had no way to read her heart, and the uncertainty was maddening, making his heart pound.
He stole a look at her face.
Even in the deep pre-dawn dark, he could tell.
She was blushing a little too, a bit embarrassed herself.
"Heh... that many, huh. We haven't even known each other that long and I've already been used nine times as your... sexual release valve. Kind of gives me the creeps."
Her softly-spoken words immediately had him searching for an excuse.
"You shouldn't have asked then. Then you wouldn't have known."
"Why? I asked because I wanted to know. Don't you wanna know? Whether I've done it thinking about you."
The instant those words registered, it felt like every hair on his body stood on end.
She masturbated?
A girl?
Using him as the side dish?
Those words, which seemed utterly impossible together, made Hye-yong's head spin.
"Don't you wanna know?"
"Yeah, I wanna know!"
"It's embarrassing but..."
This time Hee-yeon was the one who turned her head away as she spoke.
"I did it too. After we split up that time with Ha-yoon, I lay down in bed and I just kept thinking... what would've happened if we'd gone all the way."
Now he understood — in his bones — exactly what Na Hee-yeon had meant by that "creepy feeling."
It was enough to make goosebumps break out all over his skin.
Never in my life did I think a girl would actually use me as fap material.
If he were being completely honest: half joy, half sheer astonishment.
Just... amazement.
Because he'd literally never once imagined something like this could happen.
This is dangerous. Just imagining it and I'm...
He could feel himself swelling up again.
Hye-yong was wearing sleeping shorts.
Not the baggy type — they fit fairly close, so any growth was instantly obvious.
He snuck a glance at Na Hee-yeon and saw her gaze aimed near his waistband.
Saw it from the start, huh.
Hee-yeon, who'd been staring fixedly, moved her eyes back to his face and gave an awkward little grin.
"Hard. You got hard. You got hard just from hearing me say that?"
"You think any guy listens to that and doesn't get turned on? I think the weird one in that scenario would be you."
"Pfft, not even gonna try and hold back, huh. Want to finish what we didn't get to back then?"
Na Hee-yeon kept smiling.
Hye-yong felt something starting to simmer up from inside.
Why was she smiling at him like such a fox?
As if she were practically begging him to pounce right now.
"I want to. Like crazy."
The timing felt right, so he lightly placed a hand atop Hee-yeon's pale white thigh.
And indeed, she offered absolutely no resistance.
But the words that came out of her mouth were something else.
"No. Everyone else is right behind us. I don't... want my friends seeing me in an embarrassing state."
Hm. So it's a no.
Finally thought he had one in the bag.
If he were being completely honest, it was pretty damn disappointing.
"Ahem."
Hye-yong took his hand off her leg and cleared his throat with a dry cough.
"You really do want to do it with me, right?"
"Obviously. You think I was joking? I want to pull you into my arms and do all sorts of dirty things right this second. I'm all revved up. Guy in his prime, here."
Na Hee-yeon answered in a tone half-scolding, half-sulky.
"Hmph. If you wanted it that badly, you should've snuck into my room at night."
"..."
"Honestly, I figured it was only a matter of time before you'd come find me. You knew which room it was. I thought for sure you'd show up late in the dead of night and just — pounce!"
She made a gesture like a cat snatching at something as she said it.
It wasn't like Hye-yong hadn't considered it.
Na Hee-yeon was steeled for it too... Gah! I should've just gone!
Hugging her knees, Hee-yeon murmured musingly.
"When you never came, I thought: did he really not remember? Or was it all a lie? You never showed up at all. Made me wonder if I should just tell you outright."
Hye-yong's thought came instantly.
I am a genuine, grade-A dumbass piece of shit.
"After exams, right away I could've just—"
"Too late now! The moment I had to say it myself, it's game over!"
"Gahk! That hurts!"
"Wellll, if you're willing to take responsibility, now that's a different story."
Responsibility.
At that word, Hye-yong flinched for a moment.
No matter how clueless he might be, he wasn't that clueless.
This... you could basically take this as an indirect confession.
Meaning: once they were officially going out, he was welcome to pounce on her immediately.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Hearing that made him unbelievably happy.
Happy enough that his heart started pounding wildly, uncontrollably.
When had he ever imagined he'd become the lover of a sweet girl like Na Hee-yeon?
No chance in hell. Back in his original world, he couldn't have even said a word to her.
Dating Na Hee-yeon would definitely be amazing.
They'd be all lovey-dovey, and if they even got married — pure bliss.
But...
The word "responsibility" kept circling inside his head.
Ordinarily, once you became someone's boyfriend, you had to keep a certain distance from other girls.
Where on earth was the girl who'd happily watch her boyfriend snuggling up to someone else?
You could stay friends, sure, but you couldn't maintain anything too intimate.
That was just basic decency toward the woman you loved.
But if that was the case, it would definitely create a bottleneck for collecting Seeds of Recognition.
Right now, Hye-yong's number-one objective was helping Mina in the fight against the Virus.
Given that, hesitation was inevitable.
Because he wasn't confident he could properly fulfill his responsibilities as a boyfriend while dating her.
Regretfully, turning her down is the right move. I can't forget my core mission.
Even thinking this, he was on the verge of tears.
How many perfect openings had he had until now, all of which he'd personally booted away?
If I were the protagonist of some smut novel, readers would be cursing me out like crazy.
Of course, he'd had his reasons at each of those moments, but the regret was all the same.
If he'd known it would turn out like this, he should've savored those pancakes then gone and pounced on her the very next day!
But regret was always something that came into existence because it was already too late.
This is a pretty scumbag line of thinking, though.
Truthfully, Na Hee-yeon had been in a pretty fragile mental state back then.
She'd only just been freed from the Virus's clutches, had taken heavy psychological damage, and had even contemplated suicide.
She'd probably figured that giving up something like her first time easily wouldn't matter.
A thought abruptly surfaced in his mind.
Yeah. This is actually the right call.
"..."
When no particular reply came from Hye-yong, Na Hee-yeon offered a slight, wry smile and stood up.
"Alright, I'm off to sleep then. See you tomorrow."
"Ah, yeah. See you tomorrow."
In the space Hee-yeon left behind, only the breeze mixed with the scent of grass remained.
The natural fragrance calmed his heart, and the excitement that had been surging moments before subsided in an instant.
'Responsibility,' huh.
He figured this was a topic that would keep troubling him going forward.
Accumulating bonds, gathering the Power of Perception — it all ultimately meant receiving affection from someone.
Since he couldn't gather that power from just one person, charging in recklessly only to get himself caught by the nose could spell serious trouble.
If they dated and he ever cheated or fooled around, all the goodwill he'd painstakingly built could flip into hatred and end up chipping away at that recognition power instead.
So the takeaway is: I've gotta do a whole truckload of scumbag things.
It reminded him of some old kids' cartoon he watched back in elementary school.
The protagonists there were girls who'd bewitch guys' hearts, dodge all responsibility, and just harvest those hearts to boost their own rank.
Even his child-self had watched that and thought: what the hell is this?
Looking back, he'd just scoffed at what utter trashy fishing-rod-management shrews they were.
And here I am, basically taking the same vibe...
Facing the blowing wind, Hye-yong picked up a piece of firewood from beside him and tossed it — fwick — into the flames.
It was a night that brought too many thoughts.