Chapter 101: The Lord is With Us (22)
Chapter 101: The Lord is With Us (22)
“Just because.”
It was a short answer. A simple remark, barely two syllables.
Yet, that alone was enough to bleach Elsie’s mind white.
Elsie’s eyes instantly went vacant. Her mouth bobbed as if she wanted to say something, but she quickly shut it. The rising threads of her thoughts failed to knot into words.
She simply wanted to ask.
How could he say that? Had he not almost died?
The injury he sustained that night had been critical. If the position of the claw that pierced his abdomen had been off by even a fraction, Ian would have lost his life.
Elsie couldn't understand it. She especially couldn't grasp Ian’s attitude—dismissing that level of resolve and will with the brief word, ‘just.’
No one would have blamed him if he had acted a bit more shameless. Even if he had, it wouldn't change the fact that Elsie would have to bow her head to him again and again.
A debt of life was just that heavy. But Ian’s current reaction went beyond being lukewarm; it was practically indifferent.
Because of that, Elsie was even more at a loss for how to respond.
Clutching the brim of her pointed hat, Elsie lowered her gaze. She looked hesitant.
She was a girl who had grown up without learning how to express gratitude or apology.
To her, a favor was merely a debt that had to be repaid someday. If she committed a wrong, she preferred to trample the other party so thoroughly that they wouldn't even think of bringing it up.
Only two kinds of people ever approached Elsie.
Those who tried to use her, or those who were hostile toward her.
This was the first time in her life she had received such pure goodwill. Elsie could only stand there, rooted to the spot, hesitating.
Ian watched Elsie’s behavior for a while. He suddenly thought that her fidgeting was quite cute. It was a rather rude sentiment to have toward a senior.
Before long, a bitter smile played on Ian’s lips. He spoke again.
“I just wanted to save you. That’s all.”
His answer remained the same as before. His tone was incredibly flat. That was how Elsie realized it was Ian’s unadorned sincerity.
But questions still remained. If anything, Ian’s answer felt more like it was leading Elsie’s thoughts into a labyrinth.
It was a story she simply could not comprehend.
Since childhood, self-preservation had always been her priority. Even the violence and cruelty Elsie displayed were nothing more than an extension of that desire for self-protection.
Was she not someone who valued her own safety above all else?
She couldn't understand the act of throwing away one's life to save someone. However, explaining all that felt too pathetic, so Elsie managed to squeeze out a single question.
“……But you could have died?”
“I lived in the end, didn't I?”
His voice was remarkably nonchalant. Elsie felt a sudden surge of irritation for no reason.
She wanted to convey her true feelings, but she didn't know how. So, she raised her voice, just as she always had.
“You, you… do you have any idea how dangerous it was then?! Your guts were practically spilling out!”
“If you’re going to put it that way, Senior Elsie was in more danger.”
Ian’s point hit the mark. Elsie’s mouth snapped shut.
Well, that was true. At that time, Elsie had been defenseless. If she had been attacked like that, there was a high probability she would have died.
Even if she had only been kidnapped by the demonic beasts, the end was obvious.
She would have been used as a sacrifice or food. Elsie’s shoulders trembled slightly as she imagined herself being cooked as a special treat for the monkey-like demonic beasts.
But she wouldn't be the ill-tempered Elsie if she backed down now.
By now, she seemed to have strayed a bit from her goal of expressing gratitude, but it didn't matter. In fact, she might have been intentionally escaping from those feelings.
Because they were unfamiliar.
Every emotion was unfamiliar. Her breath, her heart, her head—everything about how she was reacting to this man.
She didn't know why her breath was so short or why her heart was pounding. She was so embarrassed she couldn't even meet the man’s eyes.
To hide her bashfulness, Elsie raised her voice even higher.
“S-Still, you didn't need to sacrifice yourself like that!”
“So, do you hate it?”
Again, he hit the mark.
Elsie hurriedly avoided Ian’s gaze. She asked herself inwardly.
Did she hate it? There was no way.
It was the first pure goodwill she had received in her life. Aside from her younger brother Lupin, she had trusted no one. She believed that anyone would flip their attitude the moment their life was in jeopardy.
Every human Elsie had seen until now was like that.
A level of pain beyond endurance was enough. Then, even those who acted haughty would eventually grab Elsie’s ankles and beg.
Please stop, I was wrong.
Elsie was no different. The reason she despised the weak was that she saw her own reflection in them.
The sight of herself crying and begging for her life overlapped like a hallucination. If the roles of perpetrator and victim were reversed, she would have been the one in that position; Elsie couldn't stand that thought.
She hated her own weakness so much.
No one had ever affirmed the girl. Not even herself.
So, Elsie had no choice but to give a short answer.
“……No.”
She liked it. The fact that someone had risked their life to protect her felt like an affirmation of her existence in itself.
Because it meant that, to him, Elsie was a person of that much value.
He was a cocky junior. Even as Elsie thought that, her face felt so hot that she had to pull the brim of her hat down even further. As if doing so could hide her flushed face.
“That’s a relief, then. At least I’m not getting scolded after saving you.”
That was the end of Ian’s reaction.
He made no further demands, nor did he offer any blame. He simply gave a satisfied smile at Elsie’s answer and turned his head.
As silence settled over the sickroom, Elsie was swept up in a strange sensation.
The sound of her pounding heart felt incredibly loud. Elsie was suddenly terrified that Ian might hear it.
She didn't even know the root of that anxiety. Elsie simply scrambled to say anything at all.
“……I, I!”
At her outburst, the man’s golden eyes turned toward the girl.
Elsie’s thought process became tangled. She had opened her mouth, but she didn't know what to say. Consequently, she accidentally blurted out her true feelings.
A secret she had kept hidden and hidden, one she hadn't even revealed to her most cherished younger brother.
“I’m… not actually that valuable of a person….”
It was a pathetic voice. It was the self-confession of a cat that had been pretending to be a strong, wild beast.
Ian remained silent. Afraid to read the emotions in his eyes, Elsie kept her gaze lowered. Her timid voice continued.
“Actually, I’m a coward, and I’m weak. That’s why I was bullied a lot when I was little… and I’m selfish, I only care about myself.”
“Hmm,” the man hummed thoughtfully. Elsie’s body flinched. Not knowing how he would react, the girl quickly added more.
By now, every word she spat out was tinged with moisture. It was a sorrowful confession.
“S-So, don't do that next time… I’m… not really a good person…….”
And silence again.
Neither Ian nor Elsie spoke for a long time. Only the girl’s shoulders trembled slightly.
It was then that the man spoke.
“……I knew.”
Huh? Elsie’s bewildered eyes turned toward Ian again. He was snorting as if he found it absurd.
“I already knew Senior Elsie was a coward, selfish, a rude brat, and even a bedwetter… I’m not an idiot, so how could I not know?”
“……I-I am not a bedwetter?!”
Elsie shouted, stung by the outrageous false accusation, but Ian didn't seem to be listening particularly closely. He continued speaking.
“I saved you knowing all that, so I’m telling you not to worry about it. And here I was wondering what kind of grand confession you were making.”
With that, Ian scratched the back of his head as if he’d wasted his time worrying. Seeing that, Elsie was once again at a loss for words.
From her hesitating mouth, a small voice leaked out.
“……Why?”
She felt his golden eyes gazing at her. Elsie lowered her vision to the floor for a moment.
“You knew everything, so why did you save me……? I’m such a bad girl.”
“Well, I’m not exactly the best with words… so I don't know how to put it……”
The man’s index finger scratched his cheek as he fell into thought. He closed his eyes for a moment as if trying to squeeze out an idea, then reopened them with a look of resignation.
He simply offered one sentence.
“It’s literally ‘just because.’ There’s no reason.”
The man wore a bitter smile. As he crossed his arms, his muscles looked firm.
Elsie blankly admired Ian’s appearance before suddenly snapping back to her senses and looking away.
She had no idea why she kept acting like this. Yes, she didn't know the reason.
“You can't go through life weighing every single decision. I just wanted to, regardless of whether Senior Elsie is a bad woman or a good one.”
“……Just because?”
“Yes, just… I just wanted to save you. Isn't that enough?”
I see, Elsie murmured to herself.
It was just like that. No reason existed. This emotion that had seeped into her chest and was making her heart beat relentlessly was the same.
It was still nothing more than a faint feeling. Nevertheless, Elsie felt incredibly fond of this sensation, which she was experiencing for the first time in her life. Because it was the only goodwill a girl who could trust no one could harbor.
Her face was hot. There was no sign of her flushed head cooling down. With a nervous heart, Elsie kept avoiding Ian’s gaze.
The man looked puzzled. Soon, his questioning voice was tossed toward Elsie.
“What’s wrong? Did you catch a cold?”
Elsie toyed with the brim of her pointed hat, contemplating how to answer.
To define this emotion, countless words were needed.
Her pounding heart was budding like a sprout greeting the spring sun.
She also found herself staring blankly into the man’s golden eyes, like a wild beast entranced by a flame. Standing before him felt as cozy as being covered by a cotton quilt, yet as precarious as walking on a balance beam.
It was such a contradictory emotion.
But since she couldn't utter all those words, Elsie simply let out two syllables.
“……Just because.”
For now, it was merely an emotion that lacked a color intense enough to define its name.
Nevertheless, Elsie had an intuition at that moment.
That a day might come when this emotion, which sprouted today, would grow beyond her control.
Only then did Elsie tear down the heavy walls of her heart.
Toward only one person.
Even though that man still wore a bewildered expression.
*
Come to think of it, the point at which Senior Elsie changed was after that day.