What Lies to the West? (5)
It was at that very hour that the sentries guarding the gates of Mycenae spotted the barbarians.
"What are those things?"
They carried weapons and shields, but no matter how hard they looked, not one of them wore armor.
"Barbarians dares to invade us? Sound the pipes and muster the soldiers!"
"Yes, sir!"
To the soldiers' eyes, the raid of the pathetic savages must have seemed a trifling matter indeed.
Mycenae's soldiers were a formidable force in their own right. Peace had reigned long since the Trojan War, but the weapons they had honed in the meantime were still sharp.
Several hundred soldiers gathered at once in a city of barely ten thousand souls. And across the field, about a hundred barbarians were sprinting toward them.
"Haha. Fearless fools. Attack!"
"Waaaaagh!"
What did they think the city walls were for, a pot of soup? The soldiers abandoned their terrain advantage and charged straight out to meet the enemy.
"We cannot lose to barbarians! Anyone who dies, follow them down to hell and kill them there!"
"Yes!"
Weren't the soldiers of Mycenae perhaps taking their opponents a little too lightly?
Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud.
A faint rumble, as if the earth itself were trembling. Could running human legs truly make such a sound?
"What? Are they riding horses or something?"
"They're unbelievably fast, sir!"
"They're just men all the same! They'll be exhausted from running all this way. Hold the formation!"
From a distance, it must have been a strange sight — a disorganized mob of savages charging into a disciplined line of soldiers bristling with shields and spears.
The soldiers took their positions, raising their shields and leveling their spears, eagerly awaiting the moment the barbarians would impale themselves and scream.
The two groups closed the distance in no time, and at last, they collided.
CRUNCH — WHAM!
"Gaaagh!"
They had charged shields-first into the enemy line, snapping spears clean off, and one soldier who took a hit from a barbarian went flying through the air. Even getting hit by a dump truck wouldn't send a man flying that far.
SMACK — Crack!
"Gyaaak!"
One barbarian kicked a shield dead-on. The shield buckled inward, the arm behind it snapped, and its owner rolled across the ground howling.
"Aaaagh! Spare me!"
"They're not human!"
Seen up close, the barbarians stood a head or two taller than the defenders — to the soldiers, they could only look like giants.
Already pressed for time, the newcomers grew even more impatient at the obstacles in their path, and they swept the soldiers aside without mercy.
And swept them aside they truly did — kicked out of the way like so much litter. The soldiers weren't even worthy of being called obstacles.
"What is all this! Clear it away, now!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
WHAM. CRASH-BANG. BOOM.
The raiders were in an extreme hurry. They knew these humans could never actually hurt them, but they were terrified that the filthy little creatures might, out of sheer spite, scratch their mistress with a blade.
Soon the raiders were inside the city walls.
"Where is she?"
"We don't know!"
"What!"
One of them had gone in after her and one had come back — so all they had to do was find the one who'd followed, but how on earth were they supposed to know where to look?
"Then we smash everything until we find her!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
The raiders settled on simply searching every house and building.
THUD.
Crash!
A man slammed into a wall, and the wall came tumbling down. Part of it was their merciless strength, but a wall of mud and branches was never going to put up much of a fight anyway.
"Miss!"
"Not here apparently! Next house!"
Since it wasn't there, they simply smashed sideways through another wall. And the unlucky house that got breached in the process collapsed outright.
"Nooo! My house!"
"The barbarians are destroying homes!"
It had only been a humble commoner's dwelling, but now the owner could only stand there, dumbstruck, watching his entire livelihood vanish in an instant.
Rummmmble.
Seen from above, the collapsing houses advanced like a stampede of rhinos or cattle, leveling everything in a widening swath.
"Boss! Over here!"
"Found her?"
"Yes! Let's go!"
Even as they went, the raiders tore down every house in their path.
A road was being carved through the city wherever they passed. Though calling it a road was generous — a field of ruins would be more accurate.
Their destination was the palace. Fortunately, the palace was built of stone, so it wouldn't collapse quite so easily.
"She's underground!"
"Move, quickly!"
"Uwaaaaa!"
The terrifying figures came crashing down upon the palace.
"Mm. A little shabby, but shall we have a taste here?"
"Hah. Why are men like this, no matter where you go?"
Just — everything. Maybe I should just turn the bastard into a eunuch?
"You're not a virgin, are you? Well, you are rather pretty..."
What did he just call me?
"Ugh, fine, fine! You're a virgin, happy? Never even held a man's hand in your whole life!"
"Heh heh heh."
Ha. He's laughing in the creepiest possible way.
Tap.
"Haha, what do you think you'll do by backing up a few steps?"
Basic maneuver number one: secure distance!
Two! Pull one foot back.
Three! Dig the toes into the ground!
Four! The moment he's in range — kick with everything you've got!
THWACK — CRUNCH — thud.
"..."
Hm? Something feels off. Well, let's try again.
"Khh... khhrrrk..."
Thud. Sliiiiide.
"Huh?"
Something. Something? SOMETHING! I stepped in something! The sole of my foot is all slippery!
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
"MIIISS!!!"
I stepped in it! I STEPPED IN IT! AAAAAAAGH!
Thump.
The bastard had passed out, but honestly, I felt like fainting too! Should I just faint? Yeah, the kids are here anyway. Nap time.
No, you idiot! Wash your foot first! You're wearing sandals, for crying out loud!
"UAAAAAAGH!"
Scrub scrub. Splish splash splash.
I did my best! I scrubbed it SO hard!
Patter patter.
"Miss!"
The houses here didn't have doors, so the kids came straight in.
"Kids... sob... let's go home..."
"Haneul-nim! Hiccup!"
I was the one crying because I was filthy — why are you all crying?
"Carry me... no strength left..."
"Yes ma'am. Sniff."
By the way, what on earth are you kids wearing? I get that it's a localization strategy, but are you really all going around in nothing but underpants?
And so, together with a hundred bawling grown men, I was carried off to their island.
"Hooo..."
The shock of that day is something I will never forget as long as I live. Forgetting that I was wearing sandals, of all things.
Note to self: add a shoe check to the pre-eunuch-kick routine.
Anyway, those kids did pretty well for themselves, huh? The island was thick with trees, and they'd built their houses by stacking whole logs on top of each other.
Creeeak. There's even a door.
"Gasp!"
"You're awake!"
I stepped outside to find the kids kneeling on the ground, sitting as if about to commit ritual suicide on the spot.
"What are you doing?"
"We failed to protect you, Haneul-nim, so we intend to repay the debt with our lives. We were waiting for your permission!"
What are they planning to do?
"If you've done something wrong, you get revenge while you're alive. Why would you die?"
Slap.
"Kgh."
Where on earth do they keep learning these weird things?
"You're right! Dying is running away! Sniff... I'm sorry."
"As long as there's breath in your body, you fight to live. Got it, you fool?"
"Thank you for your teaching!"
Good. That's how my kids should sound — loud and proud. They're back to their old selves. But seriously, what exactly did you all do wrong here?
Letting me get abducted, is that it? My precious idiots.
"So when are you all heading home? I was about to go back myself."
"We will return once we have completed our blood vengeance."
"I don't know what that means, but take it easy. Injuries hurt, you know."
"Yes ma'am!"
Who's getting hurt, exactly?
"Well then, I'm off?"
"Safe travels!"
Boing.
"Good luck out there~"
Whoooosh.
We're near the coast, so the wind is strong? That sound of slicing through air is something else, though.
Come to think of it, this is going to be a long trip... Maybe I'll arc up into space like a ballistic missile and come back down?
Vuuuum.
I'd been climbing for ages when the air grew muffled and, all at once, every sound vanished.
'Ugh... this feels awful.'
Huh? Even my voice won't come out? Better hurry, then!
Ooh, I can see China down there somewhere! Off we go~
SHOOOOM. VRRRRM.
Uh... it's getting hotter and hotter and the sound is getting kind of terrifying? Wow! This is FAST!
I should travel like this from now on. At this speed I could go anywhere in a single day.
'Whoa, I can see trees already?'
Huh? We're still in the atmosphere, why can't I talk? Almost there — time to ease off the speed. This is basically a nuke, you know.
KWAAAA-BOOM!
"Yikes! What the—?"
The moment I started slowing down, something went bursting apart around me? Huh? I can hear myself again. What was that back there?
Screeeee!
"Landing!"
Easy as pie!
"Haneul-nim?"
"Hm? Hi there! Long time no see?"
"KYAAAAAAAK!"
What? What's wrong with you?
"Haneul-nim! Why are you walking around without any clothes on!"
"Huh?"
Only then did I look down — I was completely naked. I'd blocked the wind with a protective barrier, so that was why it had felt so hot — the friction heat had gotten through.
Nobody saw, right?
"This way, quickly!"
"Nyah nyah."
Better follow fast. Lag behind and I'll never hear the end of the nagging.
Huh? Something's off? The reception was clearly good before? Is it because I dealt with that king?
But even then, wouldn't the nobles try to reach out in secret, at least?
"Is something the matter?"
"Aren't there any orders from the west? For bronze vessels, silk, glass, that kind of thing?"
"Trade with them has ceased entirely."
"Eh? Seriously?"
Wasn't that just some tiny city-state king? I off ONE king and the whole region turns its back on us?
"Besides, there are rumors of a dark age over in that civilization."
"Oh? You mean it's fallen apart?"
Something must have happened after I left, then.
"Yes. The rumor is that barbarian tribes invaded and destroyed the cities, and they're mustering armies as we speak."
"Sounds like a war broke out..."
Man, talk about bad timing. And I'd just swept the Mediterranean clean of its gold, too.
"Apparently there's a civilization over there that uses iron tools as well."
"Hm? Didn't know about that one?"
"Really? The rumors are strange, though. They say a civilization wielding iron weapons wanders around in nothing but their underclothes."
"PWAHAHA. What even is that? How do you do that."
Something about that sounds familiar... but honestly, that's hilarious. Barbarians or something? Pffhehe.
"Oh, and apparently it's quite hot over there. The women walk around with their chests bared and all."
"Excuse me?"
Hard to believe, right? Shocked me too.
"Goodness. What remarkable cultures the world contains."
"Yeah. But the weather really is perfect for human beings over there. It's on the coast, yet there's no stickiness at all?"
"How can that be possible?"
It's doable if it stays dry even in summer. Probably just that one spot, though.
"And the seawater is incredibly clear — you can see the fish swimming below the surface."
"Oh come on, that's a lie and you know it."
"It's true! When have you ever caught me lying?"
"Well. According to the records, you'd think nothing of cheating and trickery whenever it helped you win a game?"
What on earth are they recording about me? Are they keeping some kind of Annals of the Joseon Dynasty?
"Where do you keep those records?"
"Why do you ask?"
"So I can set them on fire."
"Haha. Good one."
"Was I joking?"
What's IN that Chancellor family's household? I really need to visit their place sometime.
"You home these days?"
"Ah. No."
So he does live there. One of these days, your house is going to burst into flames for no discernible reason — remember it was me.
"Wh-why are you looking at me like that? It's frightening."
"Hm? Nothing. Eat lots of good food and stay healthy."
Since your house might be coming down soon.
"But this is strange..."
"What is? You're all the strange ones, far as I can tell."
"How so?"
"How high are you planning to stack those city walls, and how wide do these roads need to get?"
"It's all for job creation..."
Where on earth are they sourcing all that stone and material from?
"If you keep this up, we'll strip our own mountains bare."
"It'll be fine. Most of it is imported."
"Imported from where, exactly?"
Joseon, China, Hu, Mongol — what have they even got?
"Well, if we want things of our own, someone has to dig them up. Gold and silver were coming in so short that we've started asking for raw resources in payment instead."
"Smart..."
"Haha, I thought so too."
That's not the kind of 'smart' I meant, though? Should I smack him just once?
"Why are you looking at me like that again?"
"I've gotten pretty kind lately, haven't I?"
"Excuse me? No, you haven't!"
What? Not kind? Calling me rotten, are you?
"So I'm a menace, then?"
"Uh... uhhh? What's gotten into you all of a sudden!"
What's he panicking for? He's sneaking backward toward the door, little steps at a time.
Rattle. Rattle.
Door won't open, will it?
"You had to ask because you couldn't tell?"
"Yes! I truly couldn't tell!"
"Right. Good. You're correct — you can't tell."
"AAAAAGH! Have mercy, please!"
"Relax. Nobody dies. Nobody has died. So far."
Can't speak for today, though? Records might get broken.